This FF8 LP is totally dead.

[laclongquan]

And here we go again!

 

[Ermm]

Will Colin and Jack Bauer be back?

There would be some interesting references to 24 especially with that president's assasination at the end of 1/4 of the game.

Even better. Replace Colin with Chuck Norris since sooner or later Irvine will show up.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Colin Farrell and Kiefer Sutherland, you mean. No, they will not be back. I dropped them into FF7 "for the lulz", no way in hell are they getting in here. However, stay tuned for more crazy hi-jinx with Flappyjack, Bubbles and God.

Also this thread is getting an update soon. I have boarded the train. Playing through Laguna's little bullshit right now as a matter of fact.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Hell yeah Flappyjack!

 

[Ermm]

Colin Farrell and Kiefer Sutherland, you mean. No, they will not be back. I dropped them into FF7 "for the lulz", no way in hell are they getting in here. However, stay tuned for more crazy hi-jinx with Flappyjack, Bubbles and God.

Also this thread is getting an update soon. I have boarded the train. Playing through Laguna's little bullshit right now as a matter of fact.

But they can always make a cameo.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

But they can always make a cameo.

Maybe. I'll see what I can do. For now though, stay tuned for a man named Laguna!

 

[spekkio]

Lacuna!

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Shitty band, shitty magazine.

 

[Satori (original)]

Short and sweet

 

[GarfunkeL]

Short and sweet for sure. Where's the update horsie?!?!

 

[Ermm]

Stan Lee's version of Heat.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Working, festival going, drinking, drug taking and now lesbian peeing as well. Gotta cut down on my workload. Update is coming but it'll be a while. Don't know when. Busy busy busy, so very busy busy busy!

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Oh hey, does anyone still give a fuck about this?

Update 10: Fucking shit

Welcome back to the new and improved LP of FF8. This time we're going to meet three new characters, widely considered by fans to be 300% better than the entire other population of Final Fantasy 8 Land.

Spoiler

Anyone who actually believes this should be shot and pissed upon.

Hey, aren't we here to fight a war? You know, against the almighty Timber army?

Meet Ward. Fucking huge. Throws a fucking anchor at enemies.

Also, from that one piece of dialogue we can deduce that this probably takes place in the past when Galbadia was just starting out to acquire Timber for their world dominating means.

Yeah, so why are we wasting our time messin' with these animals?

Meet Kiros. Not a girl. Has blades attached to his hands and dances at enemies.

Also, from that one piece of dialogue we can deduce that the monsters are actually this world's natural wildlife. But we knew that already, I suppose.

Well, you see... It's just that, uhh...

Meet Laguna. Bit of a moron. Shoots things dead with a machine gun.

Also, from that one piece of dialogue we can deduce that Laguna is, oh wait nevermind.

So we're in the past now. All stats are carried over. Squall link up with Laguna, Selphie link up with Kiros and Zell amusingly enough link up with Ward. Aside from Squall/Laguna, the Zell/Ward connection is going to come up again later in the game. For no real reason. Look forward to that!

Anyway... We're goin' home. Deling City, here we come!

They're also deserters. Well, no worries. Running away from the military isn't that big of a deal these days. In fact, most military operations play out like this: “eh, whatever, just drop the soldiers into enemy territory and have them fight their way back home, I'm sure they'll accomplish something along the way.” So Laguna and friends get into their car, which was parked conveniently in the next forest screen all along, and just drive off to the capital of Galbadia. Galbadia City.

Chill man, it's cool.

But it's the middle of the fucking road!

Hey! Chill. It's cool.

Whatever! Like you drink... We already know you're not in it for the drinking. Just admit it already.

Yeah, just drink juice like some weenie. And then gawk at the piano lady.

DON'T CALL HER THE 'PIANO LADY'! That's it, forget it! I'm not going!

We know you will...

HEY! GET YOUR FAT ASS CAR OUTTA THE STREET, FUCKER!

Holy crap! Run away, run away!

Pictured: another blockade.

Is this a dream...?

Laguna's pretty cute!

What's goin' on!? W-What's happening to me!?

Laguna and friends will eventually come to discover and understand these nagging voices in their heads. They'll call them “the fairies” which I suppose isn't too inappropriate.

Alrighty then, are we up for some hot, steamy sitting down then immediately standing up-action?

Wait for it....

There we go. I fucking HATE.

THINGS THAT BOTHER ME: Characters who sit down and then immediately gets up. There's plenty of this shit in japanese rpgs.

May I take your order?

The usual!

Me too!

Keep 'em coming!

Remember that Laguna was just established as a man who enjoys drinking juice or other non-alcoholic beverages. These people are heroes so that means they don't drink the firewater. Learn from them. Besides, they're enough bumbling fucktards as it is.

You goin' for it tonight?

Yeah, go for it!

What-ever, man! Can't you see she's working?

Don't go back on your word. C'mon, go wave to her.

“Wave to her”?

Give me a break...

Pretty much, yes. I mean... “wave to her”?

So you say, but we know you'll do it.

Oh shut the fuck up, you shaved gorilla pirate.

SO! We're in control of Laguna and our deadly mission is to walk to the stage and wave our masturbation hand at the hot piano player... jesusfuckingchristalmightyioughta--

That's Squall's voice, and, yes, unfortunately I believe Laguna is serious. Well, let's see how he does. He's looking at a hot girl in a tight red dress.

“Uh-oh”?

…..

Maybe it's just me, but I never bought the “leg cramping up” bit. I mean, it seems more like something you'd make up when you get an erection or your man boobs start to lactate or something. A cover-up, you know. Ah shit, I dunno. Whatever, Laguna's leg cramped up.

And so the hero has failed his mission. To say hello to a beautiful woman. No wonder people like this guy more than Squall.

Exactly what I was thinking, Squall. You and me, we're like buddies.

Also, you can see Ward laughing his ass off in the background.

Oh hey, what's this?

Laguna's coming back for another try?!

Good job! You survived a most sucidial suicide mission! Now limp back to your fucking table and drink your goddamn juice.

Square really knows its audience. Sometimes I like to think they're actually making these games as an attempt to help out socially retarded guys make contact with the opposite sex. I could be wrong. Anyway, MISSION SUCCESSFUL! We waved to a girl! jesusfuckingchristalmighty--

I didn't think you'd actually do it. Our popularity rating's gone up a point.

And I didn't think things could get any more depressing.

WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE LIKE LAGUNA AND FRIENDS MORE THAN SQUALL? IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE! GODDAMN YOU FUCKING FINAL FANTASY RETARDS!

Anyway.

Yeah, but you cut a pretty pitiful figure up there. I'd say you're about a -3 on the manliness scale.

There's no way Kiros is a legal man. No fucking way.

Say what you want! (sigh...) Julia sure is pretty...

Aaa...

Hunhhh...?

Oh what the fuck now?

Laguna, we're takin' off.

Awesome!

H-Hey! What's the rush?

Don't leave me here with all these strange people and hot women in hot dresses! Noooo!!

It's on us tonight. Relax and stay awhile, Laguna.

Wow, three full glasses of juice they haven't even seen yet. Big spenders. I bet they're just rushing off to cancel the order.

SUDDENLY!

May I?

Holy shit it's famous and handsome actor Colin Farrell! I loved you in Phone Booth!

Thanks, man. I just came by to drop off my sloppy seconds. Don't worry, she's all paid for.

Whoa! That is so cool of you!

Alright, see ya later.

I honestly prefer my interpretation of this event a lot more than Square's original version, where Julia just decides that Laguna is a charming devil for no apparent goddamn reason. No offense.

Also, there's your cameo, Rasputin.

(Oh man, oh man, it's really HER! What do I do!? Kiros? Ward? HELP! What do I say!? But man, she is pretty...)

What's this guy thinking?

I sure as hell wouldn't want to be stuck inside this guy's head. Ever.

Kind of...

How's your leg?

L-Leg? Oh, this!?

What leg? Oh right, MY LEG!

I refuse to believe its his fucking leg that cramps up whenever he gets near women. Fuck that, I'm going to make whatever I can to salvage this shitty character. He get erection and he's in an extremely uncomfortable metal suit. His huge cock basically circles around his legs, looking for a way to burst on out and strangles the blood supply. This makes sense because the cramps disappear when he switches to casual clothes later on. There we go.

Happens all the time when I get nervous. (cough)

Were you nervous?

Oh, yeah, I'm still kinda...

You can relax. You don't have to get nervous around me.

Oh, sorry.

THAT'S SCANDALOUS!!

Don't you want to do it?

Of course I do!

Then I'll go ahead and wait for you. Ask for my room at the front desk, ok?

No, this can't be a dream!

This is too weird to be a dream.

Julia...? Wants to talk to me...?

...He talks to himself too much...

And just the two of us! Get it together Laguna...

Whatever.

I always screw up by talking about myself too much. It's always been like that. But not tonight! I'm all ears for Julia!

Problem? What fucking problem!?

Whatever.

You said it, Squall. Let's head on up.

Whi-Whi-Which...

...Aah, Mr. Laguna Loire? I've been expecting you.

Please tell me you're a hitman with a contract to shoot this idiot in the face.

Allow me to show you to Miss Julia's room.

Goddamn.

If only the game could've skipped to the end. I honestly have no idea what is going on. What's Julia seeing in this guy? I mean, you guys know Colin Farrell must've had something to do with this. Otherwise... shit.

No... Not at all, uh... Thank you for inviting me.

Have a seat.

Oh goodness! Another dangerous mission! How will Laguna handle this?

He's off. Let's see where he decides to sit down.

OH GODDAMN, LAGUNA! NO! NO! BAD LAGUNA!

Never sit on a woman's bed if it's the first time you've met her! You horny motherfucker! Go sit your ass down at the chair by the window!

Much better. Now get up so you can initiate dialogue with Julia and keep this scene going.

I motherfucking hate.

No, it's not that.

Squaresoft made me do it. (True story.)

It's just that I'm a big fan of yours, so I'm really kinda nervous, y'know.

So that's why you come to hear me play so often.

You... You saw me?

YOUR COVER'S BLOWN, LAGUNA. RUN AWAY RUN AWAY.

You were always smiling while listening, right?

“Not many of my fans do that. Mostly they just quietly and listen to my music. But you, you're different. You think I'm pretty. You respect me not just because of my talent.”

By the way, during all of this he's repeatedly walking from the one chair to the next like a fucking psycho.

You have beautiful eyes. Though they look a bit scared now. Don't worry, I'm not going to pluck 'em and eat 'em. I just want to talk, gazing into those eyes.

Spoiler

Some would say this might be something a witch would say.

Would you like something to drink? Wine perhaps?

I must be dreamin'...

So a sip of wine later.

And it's fun, 'cause Kiros and Ward are always with me. Hey, we should all go out drinkin' sometime! Whaddaya say? And, uh... What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so I want to quit the army and become a journalist! So I can tell people 'bout all the things I've seen on my travels.

GOOD GOD, MAN. SHUT THE FUCK UP!

So, like, the other day, one of my articles made the reader's column. Pretty cool, huh?

I'm happy for you.

I can feel Julia's pain. Nobody should have to endure this much bullshit.

Oh yeah, and then...

Hey, Laguna!

Holy shit, it's famous and handsome actor Kiefer Sutherland!

I'm here to put an end to your shit, Laguna.

What do you-- argh!

When you wake up you will shut the fuck up and let the woman talk.

Oh, thank you, Kiefer Sutherland!

No prob, Miss. It's what I do.

LATER.

You're adorable when you're asleep.

Argh... How'd I fall asleep?

No idea. I'm going to go sit by the window now.

I... I must have fallen asleep, talking on like that... Tell me about yourself. Like... your dreams for the future.

I... I want to sing. Not just play the piano, but sing, too.

Oh, I'd really love to hear it.

But I can't. I'm no good at writing lyrics.

Yes, because all singers write their own songs. I suppose FF8-land is an ideal world where people do their own stuff. I can dig that.

I love how Laguna goes into hard pondering mode.

But thanks to you, I think I can come up with something.

Thanks to me?

Yes... The many faces you've shown me. Times when you were hurt, worried... Or felt pain deep inside you... Your smile, your face, your eyes... You've shown me something... I think I can come up with a song.

(She pinches him.)

SUDDENLY!

Laguna! New orders! Meet by the Presidential Residence, on the double!

Can we meet again?

Of course! I have to come hear you sing!

Goddammit, Laguna! Hurry up! Next stop is Timber!

Timber? But we were just there!

Next stop, Timber.

Welcome back to the real world.

Were we... all asleep?

Maybe someone released some sleeping gas? There's lots of people who resent SeeD.

(...Maybe. Better be careful.)

Am I missing anything? Anyone hurt?

...I don't think so.

What a relief! Everything's cool with me!

Oh?

I absolutely love how he looks directly at Zell here.

We will be arriving in Timber shortly. For those getting off, please be sure you have all your belongings.

It's a good thing we have our infinity pants. No luggage necessary, bitch.

SUDDENLY!

But seriously, Sir Laguna was soooo cool!

DUH DUH DUNNNN!!

Hey! There was a Laguna in my dream too! He's a Galbadian soldier, right!?

Laguna, Kiros and Ward...

Huh!? That's it!

That's what?

There's no way we can understand this... Let's just concentrate on our first mission!

(I guess you're right.)

“Not that I'd ever tell you that, you annoying little bitch.”

We'll put the incident on hold. I'll report it to the Headmaster once we get back to Garden.

We should be there soon, eh?

IN THE NEXT UPDATE: TRAINS TRAINS TRAINS TRAINS OH GOD IF I EVER SEE ANOTHER TRAIN I'M GOING TO KILL THE WORLD It's going to be awesome! Let's do it!

 

[GarfunkeL]

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

Where is brain bleacher when you need it?

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Endure, and in enduring grow strong!

 

[Radisshu]

Psyche yourself up, baby!

 

[Ermm]

Is this your first run on this game?
P.S. Also that Cid guy who is director of SEED I think looks awfully like Robin Williams.

I can see that Japs got inspiration from one certain Marvel comic book for SEED.

 

[Brother None]

So wait

Is Laguna a guy?

 

[Cassidy]

This thread latest update made me shudder at the thought of romanceable NPCs done by Bethesda.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Is this your first run on this game?

No.

P.S. Also that Cid guy who is director of SEED I think looks awfully like Robin Williams.

Yes.

So wait

Is Laguna a guy?

Well, you know, it's Final Fantasy. Nothing's really certain.

 

[Radisshu]

For some reason, when I first played this, I found the scenes with Laguna and that piano player woman really touching and kind of sad. But I was twelwe when I first played FF8, so I guess that explains a lot. It doesn't explain people who keep feeling the same about these scenes even though they've grown up now, though.

 

[ghostdog]

So wait

Is Laguna a guy?

Basically... he's a fag.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

He did end up fathering two kids (and abandoning them).

edit: eh, whatever. fuck spoiler tags.

 

[laclongquan]

I still got quite a case of romantic sadness when playing that scene last year. it's a timeless moment.

The abandonment is a bit unbelievable. I suppose he trust Cid and Matron take good care of that gaggle of kids (seven in all if I remember correctly) and simply too busy to visit. And noletter due to border closed tight, no radio due to blackout. It still bugs me. Bad father, I suppose.

The lack of seagoing traffic or by air also bug me. if nothing else, a lighter-than-air vehicle can work wonder to increase traffic between regions.

One of these days I just have to do a fanfiction to solve these conundrums. Next thursday, for sure.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

I still got quite a case of romantic sadness when playing that scene last year. it's a timeless moment.

You are a most horrible person.

One of these days I just have to do a fanfiction to solve these conundrums. Next thursday, for sure.

The most horrible person.