Tacticular Cancer: We'll have your balls

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Game News TC Reviews: Chess

Discussion in 'Tacticular News & Content' started by Whisky, Apr 1, 2015.

  1. Make America Great Again Whiskygender: ⚧ The Solution

    Whisky
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    Tags: Chess; Review; Tacticular Cancer

    http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6f/ChessSet.jpg

    Chess is an ancient game, long speculated to have originated in India but has travelled far and abroad with regional changes to it as it migrated. It's one of the most widespread board games and is considered by many to be a classic.

    It's also completely overrated.

    Let's break it down.


    Story:


    There's these white dudes who kill black dudes. WOW. Fucking racist. The white dudes even go first.

    You can tell this was created by an old, white dude. It has no relevance to modern day narrative.


    Gameplay:

    Gameplay starts out somewhat fast but still dull. You move the pawns (Front pieces) forward one step at a time. Sometimes you can do two steps, this is a vain attempt to make things more interesting and strategic in early gameplay. Eventually you will be able to utilize the more powerful units at the back, but it's too little and too late.

    If you capture the king the game ends. This results in end-game being a dull maneuvering game with lots of nothing going on. This game would be more interesting if it was real-time with pause.

    The rules are also confusing. I thought I understood it all but then my friend who I was playing with did something he called "En Passant," in a very smug voice. I throat-punched him for that one.


    Soundtrack:


    Pieces make a nice tapping sound when you move them.


    Replayability:

    None. You can't choose your initial formation, something even games like Battleship allow you to do. There is no incentive to play again, it's always the same thing.


    Summary:

    Chess is an old game and it shows. In our modern age, we have a million more choices that are significantly more refined and as a result Chess is even more backwards. At best it's like a cheesy 50's sitcom, at worst it's a hate-mongering piece of shit.
     
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  2. pakoitogender: ⚧ Arcane

    pakoito
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    :1/5: for the idea

    :0/5: for the execution


    try again next year
     
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  3. MicoSelvagender: ⚧ Prestigious Gentleman Monstroterratum Furiosum Patron

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  4. Make America Great Again WhiskeyWolfgender: ⚧ RPG Codex Polish Car Thief Patron

    WhiskeyWolf
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    Pity brofist.
     
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  5. Make America Great Again Whiskygender: ⚧ The Solution

    Whisky
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    Buttblasted chess players detected.
     
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  6. pakoitogender: ⚧ Arcane

    pakoito
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    Bro I only play Sirlin's Chess 2.

    Show Spoiler
    haven't played chess since high school :negative:
     
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  7. Make America Great Again ERYFKRADgender: ⚧ Arcane Patron

    ERYFKRAD
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    Bah, chess is shit game, no archers, no flanking, no terrain modification, no weapon variety, copypasta units, no attacks of opportunity, square grid instead of hexes... need I go on.
     
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  8. spectregender: ⚧ Arcane

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    [​IMG]
     
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  9. abnaxusgender: ⚧ Arcane

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  10. thesheeepgender: ⚧ Arcane

    thesheeep
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    I lol'd hard.
    I may be easily amused.
     
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  11. Phantasmalgender: ⚧ Arcane

    Phantasmal
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  12. Burning Bridgesgender: ⚧ Enviado de meu SM-G3502T usando Tapatalk

    Burning Bridges
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    retardo
     
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  13. GarfunkeLgender: ⚧ Racism Expert

    GarfunkeL
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    Should've reviewed the porn version.
     
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  14. Minttunatorgender: ⚧ Arcane Patron

    Minttunator
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    My favourite chess review:
     
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  15. DraQgender: ⚧ Prestigious Gentleman Arcane

    DraQ
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    That one is actually true and one of the reasons why Go is a superior game.
    :smug:
    For such an abstract game Chess' rules are a disgusting, bloated mess.
     
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  16. I'm With Her Mustawdgender: ⚧ for prison Self-Ejected

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    :hmmm:
     
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  17. Ed123gender: ⚧ Arcane Patron

    Ed123
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    Never forget the tits in Battle Chess.

    Also, Lovechess (NSFW)
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    [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
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