Let's Play Knight of Xentar! 640x400 Sex Pixels! (NSFW)

[Gragt]

Talk about blast from the past. I remember playing and finishing that game!

 

[RK47]

Like all other sidekicks, Rolf is shit in combat and had to be put in defensive mode. If he dies, it's game over. Don't ask me why. At the moment I'm at a total loss at what to do, cause I've been out of the game for a week, remember?

Also, the naked faeries raped us hard without Mag. Def gear.

I found out that there's an NPC asking for this Shepard doll and decide to turn it in. Side quest?

Will you sell it to me? I'll pay you 1,000 sovereigns.

Sure, why not.

But later when I consulted a gamefaqs guide, I was supposed to hold off turning this shit in until a third party member join for a much better reward. Fucking jap games and their hidden bonuses.

From what the guide and previous screenshots told me, I was supposed to investigate who stole my awesome armor and shield from the starting village, north of Phoenix.

A huge rock prevented us from taking short cut early in the game, but with Rolf in the party...

It's nothing but a ball of yarn to you, big guy.

I'd hate to see the cat who'd play with it.

If you could handle all three Jaegerstein triplets in one night, you can surely handle this.

I'm not sure if he's referring to a triple sex night in previous game or a boss fight.

Well, maybe I can hold it long enough for you to get through.

You did it! Now lean it on me while you get through -

No, I still have no idea why we're back here.

Except this time, the whole town's empty. Odd.

Except for this old coot.

What happened? Where'd everyone go?

A black mist swallowed them! It was horrible!

Right. More evil plot.

What's wrong?

Aside from the whole town missing and you asking stupid questions? Not much.

It was like a fog of ash, swallowing everyone in its path.Then, suddenly, it vanished, taking everyone with it!

You just repeated what you said earlier.

(Surprisingly Perceptive) And you were spared?

I'm not finished. As the mist disappeared, I heard a voice, "Tell your friend that his legendary sword is at the Castle of Kalist."

The castle of Kalist? Isn't that the brewery up north?

You're not listening are you?

Well, I don't even know where the castle is.

Oh, fine, Rolf. Just keep rubbing it in.

Errr. What?

Yeah, I bet it was small.

It was a magical twig, dammit! Now take it and try not to lose it!

A magical twig? Riiiiiight.

Shepard takes the magical twig!

Now what am I supposed to do? Ah, the tavern. No barkeep means no bar tab which means free drinks! Yes! Thank you demons!

I really have no idea where to go from here. We'll see about a longer update tomorrow.

 

[LusciousPear]

MOAR or we'll have a Casus Belli on you

 

[RK47]

Yeah, ok, yesterday was V-day, u know. and u wanted me to go home n update a porn LP...alone.

*sob sob*

 

[RK47]

Oh, god. It's like coming home to another shift of work. Here we go!

I wandered a bit and decided to visit Nero's Retreat.

A village of nudists..huh. Entrance fee is 300 sovs.

Hey, what's wrong with this picture?

What's the big deal? So no one's wearing clothes!

Don't touch it! I left it here because it's too heavy to carry.

Fine. We left it alone since he's blocking the way.

There's a pot upstairs with 1 sovereign, however, if we check again...

When we got downstairs again, the guy blocking the jar is missing, now's our chance!

OK. Fine. Other pots in town hides a bunch of sovereigns as well, but there's not much to do here, plot-wise. I read a guide and it told me to get to Carnage Corners...a shitload of mobs should be arrested for attempted murder along the way. We had to run away cause it was too hardcore for us.

For masochists who downloaded and played this game, here's a survival tip: Always. ALWAYS run away when you're outnumbered, the reward isn't worth the spent potions to heal up.

Shit happens.

The trip is brutal, and I avoided fights whenever I could. Only start grinding when you're next to a town, so you can save cash and just run to the town's inn when you need healing. Grind up for upgrade, and repeat. Only stock up on potions when you head down to dungeons. Don't worry, the game will explicitly tell you when you're going to dungeons.

Finally, Carnage Corners. Far East of Phoenix.

Spend a lot of cash to upgrade here, you're going to need it to grind. I know a guide or two might mention saving money till you hit next town, but fuck, it's easy to grind, just walk back n forth outside city. I hit around lvl 30 before heading out.

Yeah, told ya it's explicit dungeon exploring. But why are we here? Plot-wise? I have no fucking idea. There was a loose end about a missing townsfolk taken to Kalist Castle, but so far our heroes didn't bother asking ANYTHING about it. All the townsfolk talk about is the monster killing tournament.

Oldman: I'm not into violence- I remember back- Mmm, what was I saying?

Yeah, like that.

Uh...

Chairman: We'll take that as a yes. The arena is closed. Last month, someone had the brilliant idea of tying elephants to the support columns. The elephants were all male so when the wind shifted. You get the idea. But the games must go on! We are cutting corners, though. That's why we're here at the cemetery in case there's any 'accidents'. And we don't have to pay the monsters any prize money. The monsters don't mind, as there's plenty of carnage for everyone! The mayor's daughter runs the entire show, she even said she'll date the winner.

Oh, swell. Sex included. Sign us up!

Chairman: Just ride the cemetery's underground of all the monsters! The entry fee is 500 sovereigns each, only party of two or more can enter.

OK, fine. We have to go there. But the update's getting dry of any porn content and fap material. There must be something here! Let's check the bar. Maybe a waitress is getting raped.

Barkeep: You do know what's next door? Don't play stupid, I know you're a man of the world.

Hmmmmmm. We have to investigate.

Manager: 500 sovereigns please.

Eeek. Saving Game. This better be worth the money.

I'll wait here. I pride myself on never having to pay to play.

That's great! I wanted to save another 500 anyway!

Manager: We have a customer! Lead him up!

I like where this is going. This is a classic whorehouse in RPG. Just like Tarant's and New Reno's! Awesome! Saving game and trying out ALL the rooms!

Fap time!

Lilith: Now, that's all the gratitude you get from me. From now on, my name is Mistress L. Do you understand?

Uh...

Now. Down on your knees! I want to see the heels of my boots shine. And that includes the spike!

(No option to speak. Not even Shep is talking. It's all one way traffic)

What? How dare you speak without permission! Ill have you spit-shining my boots til your tongue's as hard as my heel.

There must have been a mistake here, I'm the customer!

Mistake? You accuse me of making a mistake? How dare -- you're absolutely right. Today was submissive day, too late to change. Well, you want to finish? No? Well, thank you and please come again!



RELOADING

Let's try door no.2!

They've been with dozens of men, while I just started today. I hope you understand. So I'm supposed to?

Errr...I dunno.

Look! This is stupid! Even someone your size knows I've got plenty of experience. My fiance is out of town and I lost my engagement ring. His family is so poor, and I had no idea what to do. --sniff-- I don't know what to do. I try to be faithful.

Tough luck. Shall we fuck then?

Well, go ahead. Take me. Go ahead. Whip it out.

Uh, yeah. Shep? C'mon!

WHAT.

You're so sweet. How could a warrior know such tenderness? Perhaps you are the Heavenspawn. Tell me what you know of your mother.

I know nothing -sniff- except that she had a sweet voice.

Oh, that's so touching. Please tell me everything. Maybe together we can solve this great mystery in your life--

I actually prefer a sex scene.

Oh, sorry. It looks like we're out of time.

God-dammit.

Just....3 ...more...doors..to ..go....Next..Update...Gotta sleep...

 

[Cenobyte]

Well, two rooms without sex, but at least it's funny as ever

 

[RK47]

Hey, welcome back, I'm a lazy fuck so I just copy and pasta the screens without typing the dialogues. Enjoy a virtual simulation of prostitution joint in your RPG.

I'm just wondering, what is the original dialogue in japan like? Anyway, here' comes the next room.

God, just the last room and still no sex!

OK. Gently caressing done. Let's gtfo and kill some mobs for the competition.

The dungeon is quite far north. Pack at least 30 high potions for this trip and avoid all encounters. It might be a good idea to use a Skunk Oil to prevent any encounter in the wild. It won't work in dungeons, however.

This place is shit, shit, shit.

Yeah, I agree.

Even the game acknowledges that we are pussies in combat.

A few new mobs to beat up. I'm ok with fighting one at a time.

But 4 ? No. That's like playing in the traffic.

Despite my misgivings, I cannot resist opening chests, I mean, what if there's a 3000 sovs worth of gear inside?

It's best to just run like hell.

Goddamn, cock blocking environments meant to slow us down so the mobs can chip down on our health poultices supply. Derp Roads Design 101.

A chest island with broken bridge. HNGGGGGG.

I cannot really describe this picture well. Whoever took it is watching the whole thing from a hole in a wooden panel, yet....

Atta-boy!

Deeper into the dungeons, Rolf gives a very good tip that I earlier mentioned:

Yep. If it's too tough. Run like hell.

Damn, looks like we got beaten to the boss first.

Hm, not quite.

Sigh.

Fucking McGuffin time.

Watch for update tomorrow. Good thing we didn't waste too much healing supplies in the dungeon!

 

[Brother None]

How well they understand the Japanese mind.

Also, worst brothel ever. But that's ok since baby Shep here is the worst lover ever.

 

[RK47]

We return to our stalwart duo who just got kicked out of the boss room of a dungeon as they seek out the next McGuffin in this sexually charged JRPG brought to the shores of US of A in 199....uh...90s!

No, fuck you.

Didn't I meet you at the cemetery?

No. Maybe. So what?

I'm in a hurry. I just remembered, a sorceress named Luna, immensely powerful, used to come to the arena. Perhaps she could take advantage of the manna-rich nature of our land to help defeat the monsters. I'm going to Arcadia to ask her to join us!

Wow, thanks for pointing us to the next direction!

You don't mean Luna, do you?

I forgot. If it's a dame, you know her.

It's not what you think, Rolf. Luna devotes her life to good. She's no sorceress.

If we head out now, she'll probably join us. The alternative is we lose a valuable ally and he ends up with her!

It seems a bit underhanded, but desperate time calls-

Fake threat. You don't even have the McGuffin to grant access to another McGuffin.

This can't get any worse.

 

[RK47]

Near death encounters with Snakes in the Motherfucking Plains later, we arrive at Arcadia...

Uh...Google, help.

OK.

Such a cold welcome for the only eligible cock in town.

Yo! Long time no see!

She knows you. She an ex-girlfriend?

No. So, anything exciting happening?

Since the Xentar Knight assault. I've picked up some magic in hopes of protecting the town.

Xentar Knight assault?

It's a long story.

Actually, I only watched the anime of DK-1. It took place in a town called Strawberry Fields, and Luna was nothing more but a sidekick. She got turned into a mini-dragon mid-way, and Takeru (Shep) had to rescue her after leveling up in the dungeons.

I didn't know the Xentar Knights could be manipulated like that. They were the good guys in ancient days.

Speaking of manipulation, how did you guys get here?

We walked.

I cast a magic spell to prevent men from entering Arcadia.

So you're the one.

Be polite. She's a major league sorceress.

So why, of all the men in the world, did it have to be you?

Listen, do you think I'd even--

We were doing quite well without you!

Look at the sparks fly. Luna, don't you think it's time you stop lying to yourself?

Mother.

Do you know why she learned magic? She wanted to join you.

Mother.

We heard of Phoenix. That got her started.

That's DK-2 the sequel. With Rolf debut.

She even entered Carnage Corners' tournament but never ran into you. Am I missing anything, Luna?

Only your daughter's trust.

Then she cast a magic barrier, because she knew you'd be the only man resourceful or lucky enough to get through.

What she's not telling you is that I'm planning to fry the first one to get through.

Face it, even if Arcadia were floating in the sky, he'd find a way, with the right incentive. And Luna, you did have that dream.

What dream?

I wonder if it was like my dream?

Oh my gawd, what a coincidence!

A woman told me a brave yet foolish heart would seek me. She said I must help.

So Luna, are you going to stay here, or experience life?

How do I know the dream was about him?

Even if it wasn't, I already rented out your room.

Luna, please help us.

Oh stop that. Any more sincerity, and I'll feel like one of your sexual conquests but in every other way I'm yours.

That's great! I bet she bathes, too.

Luna, the big guy with no tact-

Is Rolf. I heard all about him in Phoenix.

She's heard of me! Not bad for a guy who didn't get a tower named after him! Now I'll get the proper respect! Lets' get back to the cemetery!

Oh great, she's the game breaker. Game over, game over!

 

[Cenobyte]

Game breaker?

We walked

 

[Hirato]

I cast a magic spell to prevent women from entering Arcadia.

Wait, what?!

 

[RK47]

I cast a magic spell to prevent women from entering Arcadia.

Wait, what?!

Haha sorry. I misspelled it, corrected. Thanks

 

[deuxhero]

If she's such a gamebreaker, then she can deal with not having clothes the entire game right? The only time I've heard of this game (and what I can assume from the intro of this LP), is that characters with no armor are actually naked.

 

[RK47]

...u want a miniature version of her naked? i mean. really?

relax. cool your jets.

what i meant by game breaking is that this gal will make most encounters stupidly easy by just spamming spells repeatedly or heals, depending what you need.

They made mana restoratives expensive, but it can be easily countered with 'running when you're not grinding' tactic so all mana usage is done during crucial fights- also sleeping in inns restore manas.

Just keep camping outside town, mauling every single shit around till you can afford the best armor, pots and watch as the game fails its challenge by just bypassing all dungeon combat and saving all mana and potions for boss fights.

go play with a cheat if u can, cause there's not much to play but grind. In fact, i really want to cheat now to save the boring grinds.

 

[deuxhero]

...u want a miniature version of her naked? i mean. really?

Sure, why not. I don't think there been any actual nudity so far. Some ass, lots of brests and a few undergarments, but no nudity.

 

[RK47]

Very sad to disappoint. They don't draw vaginas. Sad but true.

 

[deuxhero]

Do it anyways.

 

[RK47]

4 Levels behind, but Luna is lethal and very useful. But let's explore this all female town. There must be a weapon shop for upgrades etc.

Ho, ho. Bingo.

Long time no see. Haven't seen you for over two years. I did hear you and Rolf made quite a fighting team. There's no violence here. We don't even have a weapon shop. With just martial arts and magic, we're pretty tough. Besides, someone cast a magic barrier to prevent men from entering. Strangely, without men there's been no violence.

Zzzzzz. Why did I even bother?

It's been so long since I talked to a man. In fact, I'd like to discuss this further in private.

Oh!

I know the drill. See you in ten minutes.

Thanks, pal.

That's certainly worth showing.

And you know what? I have another just like it.

I've gone unnoticed for so long. Do you realize how miserable that makes me?

Uh, huh.

Well?

I think--

Are you going to or not?!

My friends are waiting outside.

How can you think of them when-- oh, my!

What is it?

You don't like me.

Don't be silly! I'd love to--

But you aren't doing anything!

LADY, I'D LOVE TO BUT THE RAILROADED SEX SCENE IS NOT ALLOWING ME!!!

What if I show you this?!

Pretty.

So?

So.

:poop:

Even the ewes come running when you're in town. What's wrong?

Nothing. It's just a town without men and word gets out.

Every girl will. You really are a conceited pig.

Thank you, I think.

But your body is betraying what your lips say.

Oh!

Shepard? You in here? You're wasting -- Not again!

Damn!

Aaagh!

Helen, you slut!

Jealous? I thought you were content with sisterly love.

I'll deal with you later. Right now, our fearless leader is wasting time.

This is probably the downside of having Luna around. But heck, it's not like Shepard is Rance material. I really don't understand whether Megatech wrote him into a loser, or the original script portrays him like this by default.

 

[Brother None]

Lil' Shep is pissing me the fuck off

 

[laclongquan]

Where's mah updatiz of Arthur, RK$T?

 

[RK47]

If you think it was bad reading it, try listening to the dialogues on CD. Hahaha. This game is insane.

Sure.

While climbing up the towers, we encounter a special Orc!

Oh, great, another monster.

This one looks familiar. Luna! Rolf! Leave the fighting to me. Might be too much for you.

Humph! I guess you won't be needing us then!

Not true. But this monster produces illusions I've seen before.

Why don't I trust you? If it wasn't so ugly - I'd say--

Look, the minute we get into battle, it'd confuse us into attacking each other.

You're the hero.

Shepard, take care, I think.

Sure.

OK. I guess we're soloing this shit.

How'd you know it was me?

I'm a friend of the screenwriter, how'd you think I got the part? Talent?

Yeah, I see what you mean. We'll talk later -- So how'd you know it was me?

I saw right through the ugly mask.

Well, I didn't want to really change myself into an Orc.

You're so naughty, and as a resident hero here it's my duty--

Shepard, what are you doing?

Call it rehabilitation.

Not until you swear not to scare people anymore.

You can't tell me what to do!

That doesn't sound like an apology.

Take this!

Whud!

Ouch! My bal-!

Serious shooting pains, huh?

Ow!

Are you a past learner or--

No. Please, no!

Ah but this is so much fun.

For you maybe. Ow!

It's my cry for help.

You have friends, no.

I want a boyfriend!

You're certainly not going to find one this way!

You smell and you're stupid but maybe you're right. OK, I'll stop.

That's good.

So reward me, the way a man can.

Me?!

Yo, Shepard! Have you taken care of that monster? I'm coming in to help!

Oh, better ruffle my clothes, fast! And you, hide!

Real romantic, Shepard.

Is everything alright?

We have to discuss timing, Rolf.

Looks like another false ploy for him to get the girl.

Forget the monsters! We've bigger demons to destroy!

With that over with, we went to the top floor.

2 Chests of loot. Be sure to search the bed.

I am Aquarina.

Shepard, she's beautiful!

Thank you, Rolf! I am the goddess of water, and this is my home. First, thank you for helping us two years ago. Had you not stopped the Xentar Knights, we wouldn't be here now. Unfortunately, peace doesn't last. All life is threatened once again. The Dark Forces are amassing for a final, fatal invasion. This time, even my inner mind cannot foretell the outcome. But there's hope with you leading the forces of Light! Take anything here that may be of aid.

Don't mind if we do!

Sweet! HP increase!

MONEY!

We check the whole town, and stumbled upon the palace.

You don't recognize them? Shepard, do you want to see the Princess?

It'd be sort of rude not to.

I'm not very good around nobility, I think I'll past.

I'll keep Rolf company.

Yet another solo en-cunt-er.

I'll be back soon.

I'm so glad to see you again. As always, I speak of you as a peacekeeper. You saved us, you deserve some credit. I heard about Phoenix, there is trouble? Our meta-physicists say the Dark Dimension monsters are crossing into the Nether Realms through us. I long for peace again. An overwhelming power is in motion, please help us.

Yawn

Please.

Yeah, OK, gimme a quest already.

Since you left, I've been-Girls! Can't you take a hint? Out!

Oh, she called her servants to get out. Why is that?

At last we're alone. I've been thinking about you...I was afraid to show my deeper emotions. But now, after longing so much, I can't hold back anymore.

Can we just do it already?

You saved us once already, and yet, I have yet to thank you. I have a present for you but it's in my room.

Quiet.

She's right. Just stfu for once.

While the absence of men does keep the peace. We, the women of Arcadia are becoming cold and indifferent. Even Luna, the most passionate and feminine among us, succumbed to the despair of loneliness.

Well, uh, with the stress of sorcery..n.ess and so forth.

You saved my life once, now I ask you, save my body.

Well, if you insist...

YESSSS

First, let me remove some of these clothes.

This'll be the first time my...What do you think?

My words won't do justice.

I think all the blood in his penis somehow flooded his brain. He can suddenly think and act like a real man.

Slowly, please.

Diana, I mean princ- you are strikingly beautiful!

Thank you. Even if monsters cut out our hearts and drink our bone barrow, I will have known the pleasure of...

You mind not talking about death? It's hard to keep a chubby when all you can think about is monsters playing catch with your spleen.

Of course, noble warrior, come closer.

Yes.

MANLY MODE ONLINE.

Is there something wrong?

NO. CONTINUE PLZ.

Nothing that Shepard can't solve.

Stop it, I'm so shy.

It must be difficult ruling a nation if one man makes you shy.

You are different. Ever since you saved us, I've fallen for you.

That's natural. Did you ever have a doctor - no, I guess not.

Shut up and listen. I'm in love with you.

Me?

Yes, you, for the bravery and skill you demonstrate despite your modest attributes.

All right already! Enough with the mod-- oh wait, you haven't seen -- so you probably wouldn't know -- I'm sorry, continue with your groundless praise.

You're so charming -- though I haven't seen a man in years.

I'll take that as a compliment.

CAN WE DO IT ALREADY?

You know, I was terrified of letting men in.

Was it our incredible warlike nature? Or our incredible metamorphosis into sloths when there's a good game on?

It certainly wasn't your sense of humor.

So, what's changed your mind?

An inner light that glows within you. The truth.

I give up. This sex scene is just....Argh.

OK. Something new to fap to.

Uh-huh.

I must make a decision, but first I must know.

Know what?

Hold me.

Oh, Diana.

Kiss me, Shepard.

....So ...very tired of this LP.

With or without tongue?

Huh?

Sorry, just don't want to shock you so much, you decide to behead me.

Oh?!

Nothing, nothing.

Well, I'm no judge, of course but yours is a strong body.

What's stupid is talking when we're both ready to--

Crowd : OOOHH *Whistles* *Catcalls*

Shepard, who are they?

They're the game players, and they're sick listening to us prattle when there's perfectly good bed stuff.

What if I'm not done prattling yet? Doesn't being a princess count for anything?

If you weren't, you wouldn't have gotten away with so much already.

Shut up already.

Can't they go away?

Sorry, Megatech believes in the latest innovation. In this case, it's a live studio audience.

What'll shut them up?

I'll show you!

Oh!

Shut up! I gave you what you wanted! Now leave us- AAAAhhhh!!

I guess...we're finished?

I thought they'd never go away.

Quiet, they're sleeping, like I should be.

Don't you have to save the world?

Help you with your political decisions, satisfy the audience -- I never get a moment to myself.

With great power --

Comes great headaches.

Now, shush, while I advance the plot.

I'm sure you noticed this 10 pound medal hanging from my neck -- especially since I never take it off, and rarely polish it. It's a present from the governor of Castle of Kalist.

Huh?

It's the Virgin Medal. But now I'm about to marry the governor so I have no need for it.

....Right. We're done here. Let's GTFO.

So, you met the Princess?

More like, are you finished and ready to go?

Yeah, let's get some sleep. I'm tired.

 

[RK47]

Where's mah updatiz of Arthur, RK$T?

I'll be done when it's done.

Too much work at the moment and I think I might upgrade my PC soon. We'll see.

 

[Brother None]

Hurray, a sex scene where you're not cockblocked by your party or Shep's stupidity! Just loads of dialog.

Seriously though why would you recruit party members just to cock block?
Now that would've been a fun addition to DA:Origins.

Where's mah updatiz of Arthur, RK$T?

Stop it, you slavedriver, he's a man, not a machine!

 

[Johannes]

I guess it's impossible to advance plot without getting them. Would it been possible though to do those 2 girls here before meeting up with Luna? Guess not but...