Chapter Two: Biowarian Dialogue Hitting Ass And Leg Oh Gawd ITZ Haven!
Sorry for the long delay, guys, real life is interfering with the creative process again.
Last time we saw our plucky fadexplosion survivor, he made a flash of white light which astonished a random woman. Sadly, this was not the end of Maxwell's exploits in the land of Thedas.
We wake up in a wooden cabin, fully dressed for some reason. It's actually our 'default' outfit - Bioware became strangely prudish in terms of its main character's clotheless appearance, completing the fascinating evolution from skimpy loincloth in DAO, irremovable pants without a shirt in DAII, and now fully dressed no matter the occasion.
Boy, someone has done a great job washing away the soot and grime of the explosion - Maxwell looks like a whole other person!
AHHH WHO'S THAT?!
Hot elven boypussy? I must be in heavan.
“Is this another prison?”
“I… no? I mean, I don’t think so.”
“Then where am I? Tell me!”
You're going about this the right way.
Now crawl to me, dickpig.
“You are back in Haven, my lord.”
There's no real mark on his hand, btw. His hand just glows and shoots beams of green light - a mark implies a more permanent identifiable shape on the skin, which would require a whole extra texture and custom camera angle.
“It’s all anyone has talked about for the last three days.”
“Then the danger is over?”
“The Breach is still in the sky, but that’s what they say.”
“I’m certain Lady Cassandra would want to know you’ve wakened. She said, At once!”
Cassandra is unlikely to find elf-fiddling as an acceptable excuse for being late, I'd better get dressed and be on my way.
“And where is she?
Don't wander off, pig, I'll be back later.
Now, what is this inconspicuous-looking chest labeled "SPECIAL SHIPMENTS" doing here?
Oh right, this is where my extra ten dollars went - premium-content 'dragon armor' and a winged staff that is completely unlike the fan-made mod I was using in DAO.
Meet Daylen Amell - the current Warden-Commander of Ferelden. He won't be appearing in this game due to
incompatible facial models highly important Gay Warden business.
Fun fact: Daylen Amell is Garrett Hawke's second cousin from the mother's side, since Hawke's mother was also an Amell
before getting turned into Frankenstein. This also means that all three Dragon Age protagonists in my world-state are human male mages who come from the Free Marches. Consistency!
I'll just go with my regular outfit, that armor is beyond fucking ridiculous. I'll keep the staff, for now at least.
The outside is in no way similar to Game of Thrones and Skyrim.
People gossip as Maxwell runs along.
“That’s him, that’s the Herald of Andraste!”
“He stopped the Breach from getting any bigger.”
“I heard he was supposed to close it entirely.”
This Norse temple must be the local chantry. Strange, Orlais was always supposed to be the fantasy equivalent of France, but so far I don't see a lot of cultural resemblance.
I want nothing to do with this game.
The chantry is suitable somber, and more importantly - filled with phat loot.
Ugh, no sir, I... I'm just inspecting the stocks for... for... fine, I'm robbing this place, okay? I'm shanghaiing your collection of staff schematics, which is an odd thing to keep in a church.
Oh. Oh... that's just the chancellor dude talking to Cassandra on the other side of the door. Resume looting.
I stopped the tear in the
hymen Fade from growing, what more do you want from me?
We've already played with the 'protagonist is main villain with amnesia' trope in KotOR. I doubt Maxwell's involvement with the Breach is anything but pure dumb luck.
“I do not believe that.”
“Your duty is to serve the Chantry!”
“My duty is to serve the principles on which the Chantry was founded. As is yours.”
What principles are those, exactly? And what do they have to do with Maxwell being or not being guilty? You'd think these guys would be discussing their plans for stopping the demonic invasion and what role Maxwell should play in them. Chancellor could be the cruel pragmatist, insisting that Maxwell be restrained, studied, controlled (possibly, with one of those Qunari mage-leashes they ripped off the Wheel of Time) and used as a rift-closing tool, Cassandra could be a sympathetic humanitarian, arguing that Maxwell needs to be convinced of their good intentions and made their willing ally.
Instead, the point of contention is that Chancellor Roderick wants to kill the only known method of closing rifts on the spot. Calling for Maxwell's execution at this point is tantamount to writing "I AM EVIL" on your forehead - Roderick is a fool if he's secretly a villain, and doubly so if he's actually against the demons.
Time to show people our honor.
I heard you've been talking shit-
“You absolutely are!”
“No, he is not.”
“Someone was behind the explosion at the Conclave. Someone Most Holy did not expect.”
Leliana, are you implying the 'Most Holy' (what's wrong with Her Holiness?) would expect Maxwell to explode the conclave and open rifts to the demon world? You're really not helping my case.
Maybe it was Anders, he has some experience in blowing up chantries - wait, no, disregard that, he's been pushing up daisies for years.
“You, and many others.”
If our primary criterium is anyone the Divine would not expect, we have an exceedingly broad list of suspects, up and including Cassandra and Leliana themselves. Or that woman flinching suspiciously at the sight of the sorta-closing Breach. Or the rest of Thedas. Surely the Divine would not expect someone she never met in her life?
“But not the prisoner?”
“I heard the voices in the temple. The Divine called to him for help.”
“So his survival, that thing on his hand – all a coincidence?”
“Though all before me is shadow, yet shall the Maker be my guide.”
Maxwell is not above using religion as a tool of self-preservation. Blessed be the Maker.
“We lost everything, then out of nowhere, you came.”
I was hoping you wouldn't notice, but thanks.
“The Breach remains, and your mark is still our only hope of closing it.”
“This is not for you to decide.”
“A writ from the Divine, granting us the authority to act.”
“This is the Divine’s directive: rebuild the Inquisition of old. Find those who will stand against the chaos.”
That's one hell of a writ. Well, I guess this is it for the chancellor's shenanigans - the Divine herself left Cassandra and Leliana in charge of a new order.
...
He's just going to make a sour face and leave without saying anything, isn't he?
“But we have no choice. We must act now. With you at our side.”
Haha it's funny how you think I care. Let me just grab my new elven fucktoy, and I'll be on my way home.
“But aren’t you still part of the Chantry?”
“(snorts) Is this what you see?”
“The Chantry will take time to find a new Divine, and then it will act at her direction.”
“But we cannot wait. For now, we are on our own. Perhaps forever.”
It's pretty silly to create an organization using the authority of the Chantry's leader, and then declare yourself at odds with the Chantry.
“If you’re truly trying to restore order…”
Cassandra, that was supposed to be a
handshake.
Inquisition leaders stare intently at the book.
Leliana sends a couple of pigeons to... whomever?
Cullen nails down an official Inquisition poster.
And the Chancellor makes a sour face and leaves without saying anything.
Roll credits. Everyone, thanks for watching, and goodnight.
Now that Maxwell has attached himself to a paramilitary order, our journey towards fame and glory can start. With any luck, Maxwell's dreams of world domination will finally come to fruition.
I would not mind that at all, but please keep the elf-spoiling out of it.
Alright, let's explore Haven's environs.
For some reason, the health potions are shared by the party, but the mana/stamina potions are individual for each party member. Counter-intuitive and inelegant, if you ask me. Do we really need mana potions in this game, from what I've seen, mana regenerates almost instantly after each spell.
Ah, yes, Loghain has done many a fine deed as commander. Abandoning his post, regicide, starting a civil war, alienating his daughter, outlawing/killing/kidnapping the only warriors capable of ending the darkspawn threat, having a psychopathic sadist as his right hand, and seeing an Orlesian conspiracy where there was none. And after all that, he went down in history as the guy who sacrificed his life to kill the archdemon. Life is not fair.
This game seems to have a fairly extensive crafting system, not at all reminiscent of Skyrim. For what it's worth, I'm glad it improved upon DAO's and DAII's moronic mockery of crafting.
Oh shit, Varric's still with us?
“I mean, you go from being the most wanted criminal in Thedas to joining the armies of the faithful.”
“Most people would have spread that out over more than one day.”
Yes, that is pretty stupid, now that you mention it.
“This is all bullshit.”
“For days now we’ve been staring at the Breach, watching demons and Maker-knows-what fall out of it.”
[Perception] We haven't seen anything but demons going through the Breach. Biowarius Bullshitticus won't work on me.
“I’ve read your Tale of the Champion, and I have a few questions.”
“In the book, you say that First Enchanter Orsino turned himself into a giant monster made of corpses. How? Why?”
“Do I look like an expert on magical weirdness to you?”
“I can’t tell you how. For the why, all I can say is he was desperate.”
Orsino turns himself into a corpse-monster even if Hawke is on his side and they're winning. Don't bullshit me, game.
“You made up the Arishok fight. It would have started a war with the Qunari.”
“Apparently, they later disavowed their actions. He didn’t have permission to attack Kirkwall, and the Qunari didn’t want another Exalted March.”
“The Qunari just said ‘We will never speak of this again’, the Qun’s version of an apology”
It's strange that the military leader of a culture hell-bent on obedience and discipline would suddenly start a full-scale war without approval or any real goal besides acting out his irritation. It is equally strange that the Qunari would fear an Exalted March, considering how utterly ineffective they had proven to be in the past, and their general contempt for non-Qunari society.
You're just bullshitting me again, aren't you, Gaider?
“Where are Hawke’s associates now?”
Hopefully, rotting on the bottom of the ocean.
“Merrill decided to look after the elves left homeless by the fighting.”
Looking after homeless - wat? Wasn't Merrill obsessed with recovering lost elven lore from that magic mirror, to the point of abandoning her clan and mentor? Hawke even helped her fix it. Glad to see it was all for nothing.
“Fenris has kept himself busy, hunting down Tevinter slavers. I don't know where he is exactly,b ut you can follow the trail of corpses.”
Glad to see he hasn't moved past his daddy issues, even after killing his former owner.
“Isabela went back to the Raiders. She’s calling herself an admiral now.”
I originally gave Isabela to the Qunari, cackling in sadistic satisfaction. Sadly, Bioware made her "run away", just to further drive the point that nothing Hawke ever does makes any difference.
So I just made Isabela Hawke's lover instead. And a'plenty of STDs were shared between the two.
“Sebastian went back to Starkhaven. I’m sure he’s boring all sorts of people there.”
Cis-gendered heteronormative patriarchal Andrastian scum.
“Aveline is still guard-captain. I’m pretty sure Kirkwall would fall into the sea if she quit her job.”
She got fat, didn't she? I bet she got fat.
“Hawke’s brother Carver is still in the Free Marches, helping the Kirkwall guard keep order.”
What about Garrett Hawke himself? DAII ended with him becoming Viscount of Kirkwall, but when Cassandra questioned Varric, he said Hawke vanished without a trace.
Did it? I don't recall any mention of red lyrium from anyone.
“My brother Bartrand and I discovered an idol made of red lyrium during an expedition in the Deep Roads.”
“Bartrand brought it back to the surface and everything’s gone downhill from there.”
“Do you still have red lyrium?”
“My brother kept a sliver when he sold it. I took him to a sanitarium and found the piece in his home.”
“I keep it inside four special lead-lined lyrium containers, nested inside each other.”
“Nobody gets to study it for more than an hour, and they have to wait a week between shifts.”
Let's hope this doesn't cause any unforeseen accidents.
I've had enough of this joint. Time to see what the clowns are up to.
Cullen's career as a templar involved such milestones as being terrified of demons, being captured by demons, raving like a lunatic, calling for magicide, and doing nothing whatsoever to stop the mage-templar war in Kirkwall, despite being at the center of events at the time. He's the perfect man for this job.
If she's our ambassador, then what is she doing here with us, instead of out there, with whomever she's supposed to represent us to?
"She's our spymaster."
I think she's undergone another plastic surgery when we weren't looking.
“That’s an impressive bunch of titles."
“I mentioned that your mark needs more power to close the Breach for good.”
“Which means we must approach rebel mages for help.”
“The Chantry has denounced the Inquisition, and you specifically.”
Wait, what? What the flying fuck does Chantry denouncing the Inquisition have to do with mages and templars refusing to talk to us? As I recall, both mages and templars have left Chantry jurisdiction and considered to be rebels/heretics the same as we are.
“They still think I’m guilty.”
“That’s not the entirety of it any longer.”
“Some are calling you the Herald of Andraste. That frightens the Chantry.”
“The remaining clerics have declared blasphemy, and we heretics for harboring you.”
“People have heard about the woman seen in the rift when we first found you. They believe that was Andraste.”
Th... that's it? People saw a random woman, and immediately assumed it was none other than Andraste? Even though her style of dress clearly suggested she was the Divine.
“Even if we tried to stop that view from spreading-“
“Which we have not.”
“The point is, everyone is talking about you.”
It's like high-school all over again.
“I don’t mind it at all.”
“People are desperate for a sign of hope. For some, you’re that sign.”
“And for others, a symbol of everything that’s gone wrong.”
“So If I wasn’t with the Inquisition…”
“You not being with us is not an option.”
Smooth transition.
“She is not far, and knows those involved far better than I. Her assistance could be invaluable.”
“Why would someone from the Chantry help a declared heretic?”
“I understand she is a reasonable sort. Perhaps she does not agree with her sisters?”
Can I visit Redcliffe? I'd much rather see Redcliffe than a random expanse of dull wilderness.
Cullen.. you've got.. a little something... in your eye...
Jesus Christ.
The game world is split between Orlais and Ferelden.
We have no choice but to go to the Hinterlands, in search of a random cleric... stay tuned for the exciting conclusion?
You know, this game isn't even fun to hate, like DAII was. It's just... dull and uneventful. Even when something unique does happen, it's presented in such an obligatory, half-assed manner, you might as well be watching paint dry. Severely consoletarded interface, severely reduced roleplaying system, and overly-bloated dialogues don't help either. For almost every dialogue sequence presented here, I cut from one half to two-thirds of the content without losing any significant information. It takes two or three lines for characters to deliver a simple point that could have been said in one sentence.
Let me know if I should continue.
all the time, so I sought help on reddit. myffic was kind enough to provide sliders for a better-looking headmorph, for which I am very grateful. There's really no shortage of hideous characters in this game anyway.
