OccupatedVoid
Arbiter
The Dungeon Lords MQ was better than Oblivion's.Shoelip said:
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Imperial Freelance Knights of the Ni - Oblivion DLC reviewed
- Thread starter Admiral Rimjob POOBUM
- Start date
Admiral Rimjob POOBUM
Arcane
Shoelip said:
Actually, you get those too. Not to the extent of "I NEED ANOTHER BEZOAR TO DISPEL TEH MAGICKINGS", but the only quest that isn't saturated with them is the incredibly tedious, boring visit-the-nine-wayshrines quest which makes up at least an hour and a half of the playtime.
cutterjohn
Cipher
No, it wasn't a typo. It's just that you're not the typical Oblivious fanboy. You're literate and intelligent. The other 18(or whatever) hours would be spent by the typical fanboy puzzling out the dialog(such as it is) and whatever riddles are present.Admiral jimbob said:
As I mentioned before, several weeks ago, a usenet poster phrased it something like this:
... 10 hours ... *cough* bullshit *cough* ...
mentioning that it, also, only took him 2h to complete it.
This is HILARIOUS! We MUST have MUCH more. You should work in something with the giant slaughterfish. It's too bad that you couldn't have Nick be eaten by it... :twisted:
...and hey! you used Mr. Ed :D
OccupatedVoid
Arbiter
If you tell the fanboys on the ESF that it took you 2 hours to finish KOTN, they will yell "POWERGAMER, POWERGAMER!".
Admiral Rimjob POOBUM
Arcane
Part the Last: Knights of the Ni
And so Nick set out, on the adventure of a lifetime.
He travelled to and fro across the land, frolicking merrily in the fields, worrying sheep and horse alike. He travelled to Nine shrines, one for each divine, each of which was unfasttravelable... pleasing his LARPy instincts.
However, if I might break the fourth wall for a moment, it fucking pissed me off.
But this was a gritty quest, dark deeds to be done and sobering sights to be seen. This was no merry fantasy adventure, after all, as his newest steed shows.
I think Barbie had one of these.
Oh, apparently Nick was supposed to meet some "Sir Roderic" on the same quest. He didn't. Didn't seem to affect anything.
After praying at the shrine of Talos - of course - Nick found himself spirited away, taken high into the sky above the Imperial City, and there the ghost of Teh Good Dood came unto him.
Teh Good Dood spoke of many things. Haha, just kidding, he gave the bare minimum. He told Nick that Teh Bad Dood - either "Umaril" or "Admaril", Nick couldn't make it out clearly - had a "Daedric nature" and so wasn't dead. Makes sense, dunnit. Oh, wait, no. It doesn't. Nick was told to collect the Crusader's Relics, then smite down Teh Bad Dood with the Power of Der Guds in a suitably Imperial Freelance Knightly manner.
And so Nick set out again. In a generic dungeon underneath Lake Amaya - constructed by Teh Good Dood's Ayleid-hating friends, and thus made completely of Ayleid architecture - he discovered a long-dead corpse, that of the legendary Knight of the Ni Sir Todd the Howard. The Knight, he learned, had also been searching for the Crusader's Relictaters, but had died within reach of the Helm. Nick took the helm, ate Todd's ring and left, three popups appearing to tell him respectively that he had the helm, should find the others, and should go to the Priory of the Ni. He did.
There, at the Priory of the Ni, Nick fought the long-dead Knights of the Ni in single combat. One by one, he crushed Sir Todd the Howard, Sir Pete the Grinning, Sir Gavin the Despised, Sir Sean the Bean, Sir Picard the Captain, Sir Soil the Eroded, Sir Ken the Old and Sir Michael the Obscure. It would be... proper to say that these noble, powerful champions of good were worthy foes. Indeed, Sir Todd took two blows to kill, so it would not be a stretch of the truth to say that they were some of the most powerful opponents Nick had yet fought.
Sir Todd granted him the Crusader's Cuirass, and did spake to him of many things. He spaked of Sir Frankie the Turncoat, who had slain Sir Ken on the Priory steps and fled with the Sword of the Crusader to the Bad Place. Nick learned of the other Relics, the gauntlets that had been turned really heavy-like and left in Chorrol chapel, the boots which Kynareth held in a sacred grove, the shield which lay in an ancient Fort and the mace which lay in a dream-realm accessible via Cheydinhal chapel's undercroft. Resolute, proud, Nick set out to recover the boots.
At a shrine of Kynareth, Nick was told that the boots lay in a hidden cave in the sacred grove, and that Kynareth was to test him to see if he was worthy of wearing them. Confident in his one-ness with nature and stuff, Nick rode his Unicorn - who he'd named "Mr Bubbles" - until he came to a stop in the grove.
Shortly thereafter, a huge shape came around from behind some trees. A bear! Nick watched as it slowly ambled towards him, then...
Oh, fuck.
Mr Bubbles slew the bear for no apparent reason, and Nick was told that he'd failed the test. In an effort to reprove his one-ness with nature and love for all animal life, he chased down the guilty Unicorn, slew it and ate its horn. Unfortunately, this was of no help, so he returned to the shrine and was told that he may retry the test. He did so, and refrained for attacking the beast, allowing it to beat the shit out of him for two minutes until a popup told him he'd survived and may enter the cave. The bear wandered away, he entered the cave and took the boots. The moral of the story is: when attacked by huge, vicious, murderous grizzly bears, do not run away or fight back under any circumstances or you're an accursed nature-hating maniac who quite probably kicks puppies.
Next stop, the chapel of Zenithar to retrieve the Mace. He entered, went into the Undercroft and prayed at the grave of Teh Mastar Craftar. He was transported to a boring dream realm where a Bridge of Faith led to the Mace. Being Indiana Jones, he strode proudly over and took the mace. He was then transported back to the undercroft.
(apologies: Never got a screenshot, thought I did)
Alas! On returning to the Chapel proper, he discovered it under attack by the Power Rangers. "FOOD IS NOT ROLEPLAYING!" roared one, charging at him. He covered his ears at such blasphemy and thrust forward vigorously. The creature died in a single blow, as did the others.
Next stop, the Sheeld.
He entered Fort Bulwark, braving such terrors as Osama Bin Laden in his search for the Shield of the Crusader.
Further into the cave, he discovered a prisoner. The Redguard prisoner told him that he'd overheard the Muslims discussing a puzzle up ahead, saying "when the statues gaze upon you, Julianos will light the way."
Shortly thereafter, Nick discovered a small room with four statues, rotatable 90 degrees via levers, and a small circle in the middle of them. Nick did not know what to do. Everyone else did.
After even that, he discovered yet another infernally difficult puzzle. A room with eight empty chests around the outside, and one chest in the middle. Standing on a raised plate in front of the middle chest caused one of the eight outside chests to glow blue, and an item to appear over it. Opening the middle chest gave him one of eight items. HMM WHAT TO DO?
Eventually, he solved Der Puzzel and gained the shield.
For the next quest, he travelled to the Chapel of Stendarr. Within, he discovered the gauntlets, too heavy to lift. The priest told him that the Knight of the Ni who first dropped them was cursed for striking a filthy peasant, and the curse had been handed down through his family.
How touching.
Of course, the Power Rangers attacked the Chapel immediately afterwards.
Returning to the Priory of the Ni, Nick met the Redguard prisoner, Sir Haknslash, who'd taken it upon himself to become of the new Knights. Nick had a good r00fle over the idea of a Redguard Crusader, then spoke to another visitor, one mister Freddo disguised as "Lathon".
'Who the hell is Sir Roderic?' Nick wondered, but listened to the tale regardless. Sir Roderic had died questing after the Sword of the Crusader, slain by the turncoat Frankie with that same blade. Freddo explained that the blade had been corrupted by Teh Bad Doodz, and that it must be uncorruptified upon the altar of Bethsquida. Nick nodded grimly and set out to accomplish this task, after knighting Freddo.
Ooh is dark and spooky look how evil it are
Nick eventually came into a large room filled with the ghosts of Bad Doodz. Ignoring them, he ran for the source of the evil, the Archfiend Frankie, striking him down with the force that only steak could bring him. He took the sword and fled, the pitiful cries of 'chooooice' and 'LAAAAAARP' echoing in his ears.
He returned to the Priory of the Ni to find Talos - sorry, Teh Mysterias Prophat - doing prophety stuff. He prophisizeded that Nine Knights of the Ni would enter Admaril's dread stronghold, destroy his underlings and banish the villain forever.
And so Nick Knighted everyone there, apart from Teh Prophat, who granted him Talos' Blessing which would allow him to enter the Dead Doodz Realm and destroy Admaril forevar. The eight others went ahead; Sir Freddo, Sir Haknslash, Sir Madmary, Sir Menno, Sir Summer, Sir Amazonqueen, Sir Assrook and Sir Powerslide. Nick followed at a leisurely pace, riding his fifth horse, until he spotted....
A Guar! Pants bulging outward instantly, Nick let out a whoop and chased it down. Hurriedly removing his greaves, he proceeded to have a hot, sweaty threesome with it and the horse. Afterwards, he spent some time recovering and nursing his ruptured intestines, before hobbling onwards to glory.
And the Knights of the Ni fought their way through the fortress of evil, smashing all who stood in their way. After a few areas of simple smackery, they entered another, much larger sanctum. The Power Rangers there, when defeated, returned to life shortly after. Panicking, Nick fled up a nearby stairwell, casting a few Power Rangers to their temporary deaths in a single blow apiece. Eventually, he came to one Admaril's huge, smooth, shiny orbs.
He touched it...
They all vanished, Knights and Power Rangers alike. Shivering, Nick made his way through the desolate sanctum, inexplicably filled with those fairy things from Kokiri Forest in Ocarina of Time. Eventually, the passage opened up into another huge room... the floor rose into a stairwell....
....And He descended towards Nick.
Admaril. Scourge of LARPers. Root of all evil. He gave a long, impassioned speech, explaining his motives and reasoning, expressing sorrow at the deaths he had caused and promising to make up for the pain he had brought to Tamriel... but Nick, despite his moral dilemna, made up his mind to defeat the creature. The battle was long and difficult, but Nick eventually emerged triumphant.
Ha! Just kidding. Admaril shouted some gibberish, rushed towards him and died in three blows.
Nick cast Talos' Blessing and a Fowl Wind did Fill Teh Chambar. He found himself again in the Dead Doodz Realm.
This time, it took two blows. After vanquishing the villain, Nick began to fall back to the City, only to teleport away In The Nick of Tiem.
And so it was Done. Nick, Penisal Whitecock returned, had triumphed over the evil fake roleplayers and asserted LARPer superiority forever. The Spirit of Frankie thanked him for redeeming it, and it went to join its Toddling brethren in the halls of Bethsquida forever. Oblivimans was, and would always remain, king among RPGs, and any who denied this simple fact - of which there was no sensible arguement to the contrary - would DIE, because they were weird creepy Oblivion hating geeks arararrrrrrghgh.
But today was not a day to dwell upon such things. Though dissent would ever plague his life, Nick and the Knights of the Ni would ever be the champions of Oblibimans, and all who stood before them would fall. Observe his beautiful countenance, his triumphant expression, as he stands before Cyrodiil as its champion having overcome the difficulties of being a mere level 1 Imperial Freelance Knight.
And what did the citizens of Tamriel have to say about this glorious triumph?
Also observe whatshername radiantly staring at a wall in the background.
Go in peace.
------------------
RATING
KNIGHTS OF THE NI: 243340967453452431/10
Oh, and for finality's sake:
And so Nick set out, on the adventure of a lifetime.
He travelled to and fro across the land, frolicking merrily in the fields, worrying sheep and horse alike. He travelled to Nine shrines, one for each divine, each of which was unfasttravelable... pleasing his LARPy instincts.
However, if I might break the fourth wall for a moment, it fucking pissed me off.
But this was a gritty quest, dark deeds to be done and sobering sights to be seen. This was no merry fantasy adventure, after all, as his newest steed shows.
I think Barbie had one of these.
Oh, apparently Nick was supposed to meet some "Sir Roderic" on the same quest. He didn't. Didn't seem to affect anything.
After praying at the shrine of Talos - of course - Nick found himself spirited away, taken high into the sky above the Imperial City, and there the ghost of Teh Good Dood came unto him.
Teh Good Dood spoke of many things. Haha, just kidding, he gave the bare minimum. He told Nick that Teh Bad Dood - either "Umaril" or "Admaril", Nick couldn't make it out clearly - had a "Daedric nature" and so wasn't dead. Makes sense, dunnit. Oh, wait, no. It doesn't. Nick was told to collect the Crusader's Relics, then smite down Teh Bad Dood with the Power of Der Guds in a suitably Imperial Freelance Knightly manner.
And so Nick set out again. In a generic dungeon underneath Lake Amaya - constructed by Teh Good Dood's Ayleid-hating friends, and thus made completely of Ayleid architecture - he discovered a long-dead corpse, that of the legendary Knight of the Ni Sir Todd the Howard. The Knight, he learned, had also been searching for the Crusader's Relictaters, but had died within reach of the Helm. Nick took the helm, ate Todd's ring and left, three popups appearing to tell him respectively that he had the helm, should find the others, and should go to the Priory of the Ni. He did.
There, at the Priory of the Ni, Nick fought the long-dead Knights of the Ni in single combat. One by one, he crushed Sir Todd the Howard, Sir Pete the Grinning, Sir Gavin the Despised, Sir Sean the Bean, Sir Picard the Captain, Sir Soil the Eroded, Sir Ken the Old and Sir Michael the Obscure. It would be... proper to say that these noble, powerful champions of good were worthy foes. Indeed, Sir Todd took two blows to kill, so it would not be a stretch of the truth to say that they were some of the most powerful opponents Nick had yet fought.
Sir Todd granted him the Crusader's Cuirass, and did spake to him of many things. He spaked of Sir Frankie the Turncoat, who had slain Sir Ken on the Priory steps and fled with the Sword of the Crusader to the Bad Place. Nick learned of the other Relics, the gauntlets that had been turned really heavy-like and left in Chorrol chapel, the boots which Kynareth held in a sacred grove, the shield which lay in an ancient Fort and the mace which lay in a dream-realm accessible via Cheydinhal chapel's undercroft. Resolute, proud, Nick set out to recover the boots.
At a shrine of Kynareth, Nick was told that the boots lay in a hidden cave in the sacred grove, and that Kynareth was to test him to see if he was worthy of wearing them. Confident in his one-ness with nature and stuff, Nick rode his Unicorn - who he'd named "Mr Bubbles" - until he came to a stop in the grove.
Shortly thereafter, a huge shape came around from behind some trees. A bear! Nick watched as it slowly ambled towards him, then...
Oh, fuck.
Mr Bubbles slew the bear for no apparent reason, and Nick was told that he'd failed the test. In an effort to reprove his one-ness with nature and love for all animal life, he chased down the guilty Unicorn, slew it and ate its horn. Unfortunately, this was of no help, so he returned to the shrine and was told that he may retry the test. He did so, and refrained for attacking the beast, allowing it to beat the shit out of him for two minutes until a popup told him he'd survived and may enter the cave. The bear wandered away, he entered the cave and took the boots. The moral of the story is: when attacked by huge, vicious, murderous grizzly bears, do not run away or fight back under any circumstances or you're an accursed nature-hating maniac who quite probably kicks puppies.
Next stop, the chapel of Zenithar to retrieve the Mace. He entered, went into the Undercroft and prayed at the grave of Teh Mastar Craftar. He was transported to a boring dream realm where a Bridge of Faith led to the Mace. Being Indiana Jones, he strode proudly over and took the mace. He was then transported back to the undercroft.
(apologies: Never got a screenshot, thought I did)
Alas! On returning to the Chapel proper, he discovered it under attack by the Power Rangers. "FOOD IS NOT ROLEPLAYING!" roared one, charging at him. He covered his ears at such blasphemy and thrust forward vigorously. The creature died in a single blow, as did the others.
Next stop, the Sheeld.
He entered Fort Bulwark, braving such terrors as Osama Bin Laden in his search for the Shield of the Crusader.
Further into the cave, he discovered a prisoner. The Redguard prisoner told him that he'd overheard the Muslims discussing a puzzle up ahead, saying "when the statues gaze upon you, Julianos will light the way."
Shortly thereafter, Nick discovered a small room with four statues, rotatable 90 degrees via levers, and a small circle in the middle of them. Nick did not know what to do. Everyone else did.
After even that, he discovered yet another infernally difficult puzzle. A room with eight empty chests around the outside, and one chest in the middle. Standing on a raised plate in front of the middle chest caused one of the eight outside chests to glow blue, and an item to appear over it. Opening the middle chest gave him one of eight items. HMM WHAT TO DO?
Eventually, he solved Der Puzzel and gained the shield.
For the next quest, he travelled to the Chapel of Stendarr. Within, he discovered the gauntlets, too heavy to lift. The priest told him that the Knight of the Ni who first dropped them was cursed for striking a filthy peasant, and the curse had been handed down through his family.
How touching.
Of course, the Power Rangers attacked the Chapel immediately afterwards.
Returning to the Priory of the Ni, Nick met the Redguard prisoner, Sir Haknslash, who'd taken it upon himself to become of the new Knights. Nick had a good r00fle over the idea of a Redguard Crusader, then spoke to another visitor, one mister Freddo disguised as "Lathon".
'Who the hell is Sir Roderic?' Nick wondered, but listened to the tale regardless. Sir Roderic had died questing after the Sword of the Crusader, slain by the turncoat Frankie with that same blade. Freddo explained that the blade had been corrupted by Teh Bad Doodz, and that it must be uncorruptified upon the altar of Bethsquida. Nick nodded grimly and set out to accomplish this task, after knighting Freddo.
Ooh is dark and spooky look how evil it are
Nick eventually came into a large room filled with the ghosts of Bad Doodz. Ignoring them, he ran for the source of the evil, the Archfiend Frankie, striking him down with the force that only steak could bring him. He took the sword and fled, the pitiful cries of 'chooooice' and 'LAAAAAARP' echoing in his ears.
He returned to the Priory of the Ni to find Talos - sorry, Teh Mysterias Prophat - doing prophety stuff. He prophisizeded that Nine Knights of the Ni would enter Admaril's dread stronghold, destroy his underlings and banish the villain forever.
And so Nick Knighted everyone there, apart from Teh Prophat, who granted him Talos' Blessing which would allow him to enter the Dead Doodz Realm and destroy Admaril forevar. The eight others went ahead; Sir Freddo, Sir Haknslash, Sir Madmary, Sir Menno, Sir Summer, Sir Amazonqueen, Sir Assrook and Sir Powerslide. Nick followed at a leisurely pace, riding his fifth horse, until he spotted....
A Guar! Pants bulging outward instantly, Nick let out a whoop and chased it down. Hurriedly removing his greaves, he proceeded to have a hot, sweaty threesome with it and the horse. Afterwards, he spent some time recovering and nursing his ruptured intestines, before hobbling onwards to glory.
And the Knights of the Ni fought their way through the fortress of evil, smashing all who stood in their way. After a few areas of simple smackery, they entered another, much larger sanctum. The Power Rangers there, when defeated, returned to life shortly after. Panicking, Nick fled up a nearby stairwell, casting a few Power Rangers to their temporary deaths in a single blow apiece. Eventually, he came to one Admaril's huge, smooth, shiny orbs.
He touched it...
They all vanished, Knights and Power Rangers alike. Shivering, Nick made his way through the desolate sanctum, inexplicably filled with those fairy things from Kokiri Forest in Ocarina of Time. Eventually, the passage opened up into another huge room... the floor rose into a stairwell....
....And He descended towards Nick.
Admaril. Scourge of LARPers. Root of all evil. He gave a long, impassioned speech, explaining his motives and reasoning, expressing sorrow at the deaths he had caused and promising to make up for the pain he had brought to Tamriel... but Nick, despite his moral dilemna, made up his mind to defeat the creature. The battle was long and difficult, but Nick eventually emerged triumphant.
Ha! Just kidding. Admaril shouted some gibberish, rushed towards him and died in three blows.
Nick cast Talos' Blessing and a Fowl Wind did Fill Teh Chambar. He found himself again in the Dead Doodz Realm.
This time, it took two blows. After vanquishing the villain, Nick began to fall back to the City, only to teleport away In The Nick of Tiem.
And so it was Done. Nick, Penisal Whitecock returned, had triumphed over the evil fake roleplayers and asserted LARPer superiority forever. The Spirit of Frankie thanked him for redeeming it, and it went to join its Toddling brethren in the halls of Bethsquida forever. Oblivimans was, and would always remain, king among RPGs, and any who denied this simple fact - of which there was no sensible arguement to the contrary - would DIE, because they were weird creepy Oblivion hating geeks arararrrrrrghgh.
But today was not a day to dwell upon such things. Though dissent would ever plague his life, Nick and the Knights of the Ni would ever be the champions of Oblibimans, and all who stood before them would fall. Observe his beautiful countenance, his triumphant expression, as he stands before Cyrodiil as its champion having overcome the difficulties of being a mere level 1 Imperial Freelance Knight.
And what did the citizens of Tamriel have to say about this glorious triumph?
Also observe whatshername radiantly staring at a wall in the background.
Go in peace.
------------------
RATING
KNIGHTS OF THE NI: 243340967453452431/10
Oh, and for finality's sake:
Elwro
Arcane
I like it, even if the guar bit was unnecessary. The "what did the citizens of Tamriel have to say" part is priceless :D
And I'm pretty sure it's a horrible violation of all possible copyright laws. Alert the Bethstapo!
And I'm pretty sure it's a horrible violation of all possible copyright laws. Alert the Bethstapo!
Admiral Rimjob POOBUM
Arcane
Elwro said:
Had to put something in for our resident furries. Scalies. Whatever.
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2005
- Messages
- 24,793
Ah, you should have linked to some Khajiit or Argonian porn, respectively.
Edit: I do have too much time: http://www.slofshive.co.uk/content/art/Khiz.jpg
Edit: I do have too much time: http://www.slofshive.co.uk/content/art/Khiz.jpg
OccupatedVoid
Arbiter
Another excellent review from the Admiral!
Twisted_Ferret
Novice
Wunderbar. I give this review 10/243340967453452431!
Admiral Rimjob POOBUM
Arcane
Twisted_Ferret said:
That's not a very good score at all.
OccupatedVoid
Arbiter
I will see you shortly on those forums, Jimbob.
I love Google!
I love Google!
Ahzaruuk
Arbiter
Admiral jimbob said:
...
Please tell me you're joking. That almost made me hurl.
cutterjohn
Cipher
Furries have standards? WTF?! I'd think that having, an, ahm, unusual(?) fetish would already discourage the from having any sorts of standards, and just be happy with what they get...Ahzaruuk said:
As to the KotN: I'm sorry, but I'd have to give that last installment a low grade for creativity as compared to earlier installments, excepting the furry scene and citizenry commentary plus *R*A*D*I*A*N*T* *A*I* example...
KreideBein
Scholar
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2006
- Messages
- 957
So, what's next after KotN? You could always do some of the user-made mods...
Eh? What forums?
OccupatedVoid said:
Eh? What forums?
LCJr.
Erudite
- Joined
- Jan 16, 2003
- Messages
- 2,469
cutterjohn said:
Oh come on don't you know the old joke...
Assrook's on trial for bestiality. The judge looks him over and thinks he doesn't look too bright so he decides to explain the charges to him in a simple manner.
Judge: "Now I want to make sure you understand the charges being brought against you. Bestiality is the engaging in *cough* sexual relations with farm animals like chickens, pigs, sheep, goats, etc..."
Assrook: "What chickens! That's sick!"
*badda bing*
Ahzaruuk
Arbiter
cutterjohn said:
Except Furries are ANTHROMISED, meaning that there is a HUMAN aspect to them.. That may have appealed to Zoophiles more than Furries.
Elwro
Arcane
You mean there's a letter cap in your vocabulary?
Admiral Rimjob POOBUM
Arcane
JoKa said:
But that doesn't appear on Google. Didn't stop him finding it, though, and he still hasn't told me how.
KreideBein
Scholar
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2006
- Messages
- 957
Admiral jimbob said:
I just found it by doing a Google search for ""forum of the dead" jimbob". That got me to a Namco forum (you post there?), and in a post there, you linked to the Codex and to your other forum.
EDIT: Oh, and the "forum of the dead" part was in the uninstall screenshot.
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