Tacticular Cancer: We'll have your balls

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Imperial Freelance Knights of the Ni - Oblivion DLC reviewed

Discussion in 'General RPG Discussion' started by Admiral Rimjob POOBUM, Dec 17, 2006.

  1. Admiral Rimjob POOBUM Arbiter

    Admiral Rimjob POOBUM
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    Click here and disable ads!
    (Apologies, this one isn't very good - Mehrunes' Razor and Knights of the Ni coming shortly)

    Oblivimans!
    Greatest RPG of our time, or so cry the TRUE RPers. But who, of these LARPers, was the greatest Imperial Freelance Knight of them all?
    Who is worthy to take on this review tour, to objectively weigh the Oblivion Downloaded Contentses and triumph against the forces of level-scaled evil?

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    Yes, friends.... Nick. Nick the Imperial.
    Nick, resting in a filthy LARPer-ridden mattress in the Imperial City Dungeon, was roughly woken from his sleep by Patrick Stewart himself.
    'You... your eyes.' Patrick whispered, 'they're brown. Then the stars were wrong, and this is not the day. Guards, kill the prisoner.'
    Nick could only watch in horror as all were frozen to the ground and an Evil Dood murdered Patrick Stewart. Being of the Fitartheefmaje bent, despite all his Freelance Knight pretences, he palmed a shiny amulet from the corpse and legged it.
    And thus the review tour-de-force begins, in a LARP fashion.
    Immediately upon leaving the prison, a torrent of letters fell on his head. As letters do not bend, this was incredibly painful, the pain augmented by his discovery that no less than three of his relatives had apparently died and left their homes to him. Not that he had any relatives.
    And so Nick set out to discover the secrets of these new homes. The first was known as Deepscorn Hollow, and Nick discovered frightful things there. It was EVIL. VILE. NASTY. IMPURE.

    [​IMG]

    Though Nick was a brave soul, an Imperial Freelance Knight of the highest order, even his courage had its limits. He fled screaming from the EVIL EVIL EVIL place, waving his Fine Steel Longsword as he did so.
    The next home was known as Frostcrag Spire. Nick cautiously LARPed his way across the country, picking flowers and dropping potatoes in streams, before coming to the mountains where the magic green arrow had led him.

    [​IMG]

    Oh noes, Nick realised. A TOWER! A SOLITARY TOWER! And inside... a MAGIC CRYSTAL HAND with a MYSTERIOUS TOME!
    This must be, Nick realised - using his amazing Level 30 Imperial Freelance Knight powers of deduction - a WIZARD'S tower!
    Nick screamed in horror, horror more dreadful than that which he felt in the EEEEVIL cavern o' Deepscorn. Wizards! Above all things, he hated wizards, for their confusing speech and big words and phrases like "choice and consequence" or "imaginary roleplaying". He would have fast travelled away, but he was brave and disciplined, so he walked instead, all the while in mortal terror that a wizard would ask why.
    The last deceased relative had left him a piratey cave. How he knew it was piratey, he could not say, and the mystery of the inhabitants only confuzzled him more when he entered:

    [​IMG]

    What was this strange insignia? What did it mean? And why were there... down there....
    SKELLINGTONS! EVIL ones! Nick forgot all confusion, forgot his LARPy fear of wizards, screamed in a suitably Imperial Freelance Knightish manner, and charged them all. Though he was only a mere level 1, his sheer Imperial Freelance Knightiness brought the horrible creatures to their knees. He smashed them into boney pieces with but a single stroke, apart from the captain, because the cabin was so fucking dark he couldn't see the thing, so it took three strokes.
    That done, he left the cavern. Preparing to embark on another note-given epic quest - to restore the Dwemer Orrreeerrry to its former glory - he suddenly remembered his true duty, as a LARPer and Imperial Freelance Knight.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]

    He invited his Dunmer friend to share his food-eatings, and they LARPed out the play "The Lusty Argonian Maid" long into the Imperial Freelance Knight.


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    Yes, that did suck, but I'm covering all the DLC and I had to get these out of the way. Orrerrreerrry and Mehrunes' Razor tomorrow, and they'll possibly prove to actually be worth my time reviewing.
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  2. Chinese Jetpilot Arcane Patron

    Chinese Jetpilot
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    That's the Thieves Den? Looks like you stumbled upon the set of the Goonies.

    And what the fuck is with all those green arrows in that photo? Holy shit, its like the motion tracker in Aliens.
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  3. Admiral Rimjob POOBUM Arbiter

    Admiral Rimjob POOBUM
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    It was all rather sad. Too sad to make anything funny out of. :\ Hopefully Knights of the Ni will have more material.
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  4. Twisted_Ferret Novice

    Twisted_Ferret
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    [​IMG]


    *r00fle*
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  5. ixg Arbiter

    ixg
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    Did u eat any poisen?
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  6. Chinese Jetpilot Arcane Patron

    Chinese Jetpilot
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    You forgot to review Horse Armor. Don't worry, I took the time to come up with a brief review:

    [​IMG]
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  7. Romanian_Dude2005 Scholar

    Romanian_Dude2005
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    Iasi, Romania?... Postcount: bigger then yours
    ZENIMAX!

    Giving brainless nerds and their idle wallets a porpouse in society...
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  8. elander_ Arbiter

    elander_
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    I can't wait for the scenes of the next episodes of Knights of the Ni.
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  9. KreideBein Scholar

    KreideBein
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    Fucking brilliant. Where's Nick when you need him?
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  10. whatusername Scholar

    whatusername
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    :lol:
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  11. Nick the Imperial Scholar

    Nick the Imperial
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    My character is actually very handsome, to get the gals!
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  12. KreideBein Scholar

    KreideBein
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    List of women Nick has seduced with his stunning looks:
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  13. Nick the Imperial Scholar

    Nick the Imperial
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    Can someone retardo land this!
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  14. Chinese Jetpilot Arcane Patron

    Chinese Jetpilot
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    Just shut up and face the nookie.
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  15. Nick the Imperial Scholar

    Nick the Imperial
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    Awe man its a classic! Shut up and face the Nookie! Cmon lets sing it! I did it all foer t53kjmlerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgu
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  16. Nick the Imperial Scholar

    Nick the Imperial
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    fhdssssssssssssssukkkkvlbgnjy
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  17. Nick the Imperial Scholar

    Nick the Imperial
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    fhdssssssssssssssukkkkvlbgnjy
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  18. aweigh Liturgist Queued

    aweigh
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    DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
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  19. Nick the Imperial Scholar

    Nick the Imperial
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    Die what?
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  20. LCJr. Erudite

    LCJr.
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    Now are those quest entries for real or photoshopped?

    "I've discovered a journal I should read it." Uh yeah, good idea. At least Beth doesn't have any delusions about the intelligence of it's fanbase.

    I've discovered a "long forgotten" journal that just happens to give me the name of a person who's still alive and a business that's still operating. What luck!

    I knew this game was pathetic but god damn that's just awful. I've pretty much tried to ignore the whole Oblivion debacle as much as possible but now I see what you people mean by handholding. With a low IQ design like this it's no wonder it's attracted people like little Nikky. Christ this game will end up becoming part of an event in the Special Olympics.
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  21. Nick the Imperial Scholar

    Nick the Imperial
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    STOP ACTING LIKE A MIDDLE EASTERN! I love Oblivion, its awesome. I mean rather than picking from a damn list of heads I make my own, so shut up. Oblivion and Morrowind are my favorite games, what do you honestly care!
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  22. Texas Red Whiner

    Texas Red
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    We dont. Now please leave or stop your trolling.
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  23. whatusername Scholar

    whatusername
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    we need an ip check.
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  24. kingcomrade's father Novice

    kingcomrade's father
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    Even my son is less annoying than that Imperial.
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  25. dongle Scholar

    dongle
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    No, that is very real. :shock:

    Keep in mind this is one of the cheap-ass plug-ins which are somewhat more dumbed-down than the main game. Still, the main game is pretty dammed dumb. It's completely beyond me how anyone can play for more than a few weeks and not complete everything there is to do, given that the stupid pop-ups tell you exactly what to do every step of the way. . . .
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