Dominions 4 pbem: The Chronicles of Bogarus

[Joined on the 4th of July]

Iyul can take a little joke, let's just add some spit to his wine. Also, it's purple, not pink.

 

[Grimwulf]

let's just add some spit to his wine

Aknowledged.

Also, it's purple, not pink.

I hate you so much. Edited.

Spoiler

If there will be a beauty contest in Bogarus, you have a fair chance to win.

 

[Joined on the 4th of July]

I hate you so much. Edited.

Thanks, I was worried that the hair being pink was already part of canon.

Spoiler

If there will be a beauty contest in Bogarus, you have a fair chance to win.

Spoiler

Surely Lady Katrina would invite Iyul back to her chambers if that were to happen. A curse is a blessing in disguise.

 

[Got bored and left]

Iyul can take a little joke, let's just add some spit to his wine. Also, it's purple, not pink.

You are a gentleman and a scholar. Alnd Iyul is a cowardlu scu I think our characters will be BFFs

Also, DAAAAAYUM, that's one fat kill count for ol' Artemy (fat, get it? DO YOU GET IT?). I assume it's mostly those undead getting banished? Geez, I would not have expected that much that early. Now I wonder what that Vergilius dude is doing.

 

[Andnjord]

Before the battle.

Hey, maybe I'll get to enjoy a quiet, natural death, instead of being exploded by some supernatural monstrosity. Fat chance of that actually happening, but a man can dream.

After the battle.

"PREPARE FOR BATTLE MEN! THESE REBELS WANT TO RAPE YOU WIVES AND CHILDREN! THEIRS SIN IS LUST! KILL THEM ALL!"

Just wanted to remind you of your original wish. I dread to imagine what will happen to my character.

Also, I see you predicted your fatness well ahead of time.

 

[Grimwulf]

Also, DAAAAAYUM, that's one fat kill count for ol' Artemy (fat, get it? DO YOU GET IT?). I assume it's mostly those undead getting banished?

Yeah, he banished a lot f undead in Ivory Keep, so that's the killcount for you.

Just wanted to remind you of your original wish. I dread to imagine what will happen to my character.

It's gonna take me some time to start using frontline mages in battle - hope you're ok with that.

Also, I see you predicted your fatness well ahead of time.

Spoiler

 

[Got bored and left]

Before the battle.

Hey, maybe I'll get to enjoy a quiet, natural death, instead of being exploded by some supernatural monstrosity. Fat chance of that actually happening, but a man can dream.

After the battle.

"PREPARE FOR BATTLE MEN! THESE REBELS WANT TO RAPE YOU WIVES AND CHILDREN! THEIRS SIN IS LUST! KILL THEM ALL!"

Just wanted to remind you of your original wish. I dread to imagine what will happen to my character.

Also, I see you predicted your fatness well ahead of time.

That's what smitin' heretics does to you, man. Or maybe Batushka has always been just a really twisted, violent motherfucker that waited to be unleashed. I blame the old age and fatness, they're ought to mess with his head. At any rate, I'm sure your character will be a completely reasonable, well-adjusted person

 

[Dreaad]

If you want my random trooper can keep a war diary. Shit like "Blyat tvayu mati, today we faced lizards covered in swampy moss, those dirty bastards! I ain't lettin' them take my wife."

 

[Andnjord]

It's gonna take me some time to start using frontline mages in battle - hope you're ok with that.

Good, that means I'll be able to fling around some proper battle magic and not go through the awkward child like phase of "Look Ma! I'm doing magic!" :casts Flying Shards in LA:

I'm sure your character will be a completely reasonable, well-adjusted person

Yes, reasonable...

 

[Got bored and left]

I'm sure it's just a matter of perspective!

 

[Grimwulf]

'Dex followers are the best followers.

Spoiler

We are all doomed anyway.
:russia:

 

[Caul Shivers]

Why is no one dying for the glory and defense of Mother Russ Bogarus from all these miserable child raping shit-cock of a whore rebel peasants?


I've come here by way of deceit and subterfuge, which I've now come to understand is very codex, and i demand deaths dammit!

 

[Cassidy]

No Ice Mages in Dominions 4? Not even ice magics a regular mage can specialize in such as the extremely powerful "Prisoner of Ice: LP thread abandoned immediately" spell?



If there are no ice spells... Strelok the Hussar or Cossack would be fine too.

*Second Edit: Ice Druid then.

 

[Dayyālu]

No Ice Mages in Dominions 4? Not even ice magics a regular mage can specialize in such as the extremely powerful "Prisoner of Ice: LP thread abandoned immediately" spell?



If there are no ice spells... Strelok the Hussar or Cossack would be fine too.

Water mages. Tons of Ice-flavoured spells, like Falling Frost, Ice Strike, Prison of Sedna, Grip of Winter and the like. Ice is almost the only way for W mages to apply direct damage. Plus Seas of Ice, Ice Shield, and of course Ice Devils, in small or big package.

So you should ask for a Water mage. And yes, you can technically imprison in ice (Encase in Ice) someone on a battlefield or even worse, summon the Unfrozen, a tribe of antediluvian undeads with flint weapons. Trapped in ice, freed by your magic, enraged against your enemies.

 

[Caul Shivers]

No Ice Mages in Dominions 4? Not even ice magics a regular mage can specialize in such as the extremely powerful "Prisoner of Ice: LP thread abandoned immediately" spell?



If there are no ice spells... Strelok the Hussar or Cossack would be fine too.

*Edit: Water mage then.

There are Ice Druids though.

Check it in the Dominion inspector.

 

[Caul Shivers]

Also, this whole "moderator approval" thing seems hella flawed. You need to prove you're not a spammy banned flamebot troll yet this whole censorship things prevents you from doing just that.

I'm not a spammy banned flamebot troll dammit! Now if you're looking for high end quality kitchen parts look no further and just send me a PM.

I really do see how this sort of shit might be off putting to people that might join this crowd. Now approve my damn account you elitist pricks!

 

[Andnjord]

*Edit: Water mage then.

Beware though, as unless Grimwulf finds an indie water mage you will probably end up as this:

 

[panda]

Such a gruesome fate...

Spoiler

 

[Grimwulf]

Why is no one dying for the glory and defense of Mother Russ Bogarus

We've only played 5 turns. I doubt that any nation suffered any casualties yet.

No Ice Mages in Dominions 4?

On the contrary, one can find plenty of water/ice casters here. But Bogarus lacks recruitable ones, so it might take a while before I get access to water/ice magic.

Also, this whole "moderator approval" thing seems hella flawed

It does the job, though. You'll be fine after a while. Have Faith.

Beware though, as unless Grimwulf finds an indie water mage you will probably end up as this:

Or this:

Spoiler

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

followin'

 

[Grimwulf]

CHAPTER 6​

The crowd was greeting Sviatoslav with thundering cheering, as his warband proceeded through the streets towards the Grand Cathedral. Thousands upon thousands of peasants were praising Sviatoslav, Elizabeth Bathory and Krovoslavnaya Tserkov. Occasionally one could hear somebody screaming “Long live the Tsar!”

As the warriors passed through Festival Square, they noticed a massive stone statue of Sviatoslav standing on a hill nearby.

Spoiler

They made a statue in your honor, which is nice and all. But where is the fat swearing priest? Or the beautiful prince of astonishing stature, whose hair is pure amethyst?

SILENCE, you shameless spoiled child! You are not worthy to stand near this holy champion of faith!

Right, how could I forget? I guess I’ll just go home then.

My sons! My blessed, fearless sons!

Patriarch Alexej approached the warband, limping as fast as he could, surrounded by several Eparchs and a small horde of Exarchs.

Look at yourselves! The righteous battles you fought and won have cleansed your blood of all sins you previously committed! I can see the Purity by simply looking at your faces!

Oh?

Dozens of warriors have enlisted in our voisko this month, Sviatoslav. The poor souls that seek guidance. Will you show them the way? Will you continue to lead them in battle, so they could be purified?

Sviatoslav didn’t respond.

I knew you wouldn’t refuse to lend your aid to our struggling homeland. Before we proceed to the Grand Cathedral, may I ask you to make a short speech? You are the embodiment of Hope for these people. They need to hear your voice.

Batushka Artemy nodded in barely noticeable manner, encouraging the Prophet to make that speech happen. Sviatoslav sighed, but turned around to address the crowd.

Our western provinces belong to the Tsardom once again!

The peasants cheered after nearly every word.

You can return to your work in fields and mines! As long as you pay the taxes and abide the law, you may trade, rebuild your homes, give birth to new children! Live righteous lives, and avoid the Sin – that’s all that the Tserkov wants from you!

The cheering was becoming almost deafening. Alexej was pleased.

Suddenly, Sviatoslav’s tone changed to furious roaring.

BUT *I* WILL DEMAND MORE!

And the silence devoured the noises of the crowd.

IF YOU WANT TO PROVE YOURSELVES BEFORE ME – I WILL DEMAND MORE! IF YOU WANT TO EARN FORGIVENESS OF THE COUNTESS – I WILL DEMAND MORE!

The Patriarch was about to say something, but Artemy came uncomfortably close to him, with threatening expression on the face.

Just listen.

I DEMAND YOU TO FIGHT! I DEMAND YOU TO DIE!

He made a pause, looking at the people in the crowd. Most were terrified, of course, but several men were looking determined. Among others, a man of strong build was sitting on a bench, holding to his sword. His eyes were especially grim and bloodthirsty.

Spoiler

YOU! What is your name?

My name is not important. Just call me Dreaad. I will fight for you.

Sviatoslav nodded approvingly.

I don’t need any of you cursed gryaz following and praising me. If you are a MAN like Dreaad – then join me in battle! This land has many enemies, and your blood hides many sins to atone for! This man…

He pointed at the Patriarch.

Can save you from eternal torment. But only the Countess can Cleanse this world from Sin. The Sin that all of you have been contributing to. You are all to blame! It is YOUR fault and YOUR mistakes! The least you can do now is to AID the Countess! And if not…

He looked over the crowd once again.

Pray that I will be the first to find and kill you, damned traitors. When the enemy comes knocking at your door, you will all be enslaved. Forced to surrender your wives and daughters. Forced to kiss their asses. Forced to worship their fucking gods.

Dreaad sqeezed the scabbard so hard, he could feel the sword inside scratching his hand through the leather.

I won’t have it. I ain't lettin' them take my wife.

* * *

​

The debates were truly furious this day. Right before Sviatoslav’s arrival, Katrina delivered a troubling report from Trollhome: a band of horsemen from T’ien Ch’i attacked the province, slaying local militia without mercy or even an attempt to talk.

Katrina, I want you to tell everybody what have your agent witnessed in Trollhome.

Certainly, my dear Ambassador. Trollhome is a small and secluded community of simple folk. Although their leader is not that simple.

Spoiler

He and several other warriors were acknowledged by many as heroes. My sources tell me it isn’t the first time they had to defend themselves against T’ien Ch’I aggression.

Technically, Trollhome once belonged to T’ien Ch’I, so this might explain the aggression…

They have lost Trollhome long ago. I question their rights to attack the population like that.

Wasn’t you the one who insisted we stay away from this?

Grigori was in bad mood today, and didn’t even try to hide it.

T’ien Ch’i. What a joke.

Spoiler

Once a weakling nation ruled by eunuchs, now a worthless tribe of barbarians.

Fun fact! Even our dear Namestnik can write and read better than their Barbarian Kings!

Ubiyu, suka! Can they even speak common? Maybe that’s the reason they attacked the peasants without demanding anything?

Well, their Prophet’s name is Meaglin-chan, so this alone can tell you something. If you allow me to continue…

Of course, honey. I wonder where is my bottle…

As I was saying, a small band attacked Trollhome. Ancestor Vessels led by a man known as Lao-jun.

Spoiler

My agent reports that Lao-jun performed some sort of religious gestures and mumbling, after which the horsemen began moving incredibly fast.

Spoiler

I’ve checked our archives. Bu-Ti is known to possess incredible skill of water element, and also dabbles in astral mastery. Inhuman speed and limited magic resistances are mere effects of her blessing.

Long story short, the peasants routed. Their leader used his magical amulet to summon some undead, but they were not of much help.

Spoiler

Forgot to say that my agent doesn’t really speak barbarian language.

Can this idiot count, at least?

But of course, Gospodin Rasputin.

Spoiler

One Footman dead, the other two routed. One of the Vessels was heavily wounded too. I’ve marked new T'ien Ch'i borders on the map.

Spoiler

See, Grigori? It’s a good thing you didn’t insist on attacking this province last month. The Ambassador told me about your previous meeting.

I’m sure he did.

Rasputin raised from his chair, like he usually does when the anger inside him is too much to bear.

Sviatoslav could destroy this… PITIFUL band of barbarians, and thus delivered the proper message to these sons of a horse.

We must be tolerant, my brother.

PUT YOUR DIRT-LICKING TONGUE BACK INSIDE YOUR FOUL MOUTH, ALEXEJ!

Rasputin suddenly coughed and spitted blood on the floor. The blood was rather dark.

See? Now I am just as sinful as you. All because I wasn’t persistent enough.

He made a pause, but nobody dared to interrupt his speech.

What now, Ambassador? Do you really intend to negotiate with these people?

I’ve already invited their delegation to the Royal Palace.

I am on Ambassador’s side. We don’t need to provoke a war, Grigori.

The Patriarch put his hand on Ambassador’s shoulder, but the latter shook it off immediately.

Actually, Rasputin is right. Despite our close neighborhood, Bogarus and T’ien Ch’I didn’t have much diplomatic relationships previously. The Tsar allowed some trading, but basically we kept the borders closed from each other, and were rather content with it.

What are you implying?

Basically, I don’t know what to do and how to talk to these people. They worship absolutely inadequate being as a god. Do you know how she calls the Pantokrator?

Late husband?

Forester Bob.

Dmitry smirked.

Maybe it’s not the name of Pantokrator himself, but rather his hairy d…

Cut the crap, Namestnik. Unfortunately, I’m not even joking. And she forced her servants to call him like that.

We used to worship Pantokrator, along with the rest of the world. These madmen have no respect.

This morning I received a reply to my invitation.

What does it say?

It says, and I quote, “The messenger returns okay”.

… Does the letter say anything else?

“The Royal Highness and Future Supreme Being Bu'Ti of Warm Mountain's informs you that much fun will be had in our diplomacy. There will be a clear sign of how she feels about us as neighbours, to be disclosed very soon”.

Much FUN!

Ambassador’s face turned red.

I expect the delegation to arrive any day, and I will try to achieve some kind of agreement about our borders. Maybe even sign a non-agression pact.

AM I THE ONLY MAN WITH BALLS HERE?!

Rasputin threw his chair towards Boris. The Ambassador dodged it.

I swore to serve the Countess. Speak her will, and I will obey.

I serve the Tserkov, and the Tserkov should serve the Countess. The Truly Pureblooded one.

Artemy looked at the Patriarch with such a violent gaze, that Alexej dared not say a word.

I am yours to command, Grigori.

Irrelevant! The fresh recruitment enlisted in Tsardom’s voisko, and not in Rasputin’s personal band of brigands. The Tserkov makes decisions about the voisko, not you!

Your Tserkov doesn’t have a single commander of decent rank to lead these green boys in battle.

Are you sure about that?

The Patriarch turned his gaze towards a silent man standing in the corner.

… What? Why is everybody looking at me?

My son.

What? No. No-no-no-no-no, I AM SORRY, but no. I’ve had enough fighting for a lifetime! Besides, I… KATRINA! Can we talk in private for a moment?

Iyul took Katrina’s hand and led her outside of the Grand Cathedral before anybody managed to say a word.

What’s up with your hair?

It’s, err, a blessing of sorts. I had a dream of my grand-grand-grand-grandfather, a Vanir of high standing – did I tell you that my ancestor was a Vanir? He totally was, and a MANLY one – my mother always told me that I inherited his looks – so anyway – I had this dream where he said “RELATIVE! I BESTOWE THINE…”

The Royal Spy grabbed Iyul’s shoulders and shook them hard.

GET A GRIP, Knyaz! What is wrong with you?

Nothing, I just… ugh. You promised me that I will have to deliver my men to the pass, and that’s it. I did exactly as you told. Now PLEASE – honor your side of agreement. I want to go home.

Exactly, I trusted you a simple task – to deliver several warriors to a nearby province. But you failed me even at that! Rasputin was about to KILL me not so long ago! He is still blaming me in his failed expansion plans. And I had to blame you.

You WHAT?

What did you expect me to do, Iyul? To take all the guilt for your mistakes, and let Rasputin have his way with me? Idi nahui!

Sama idi nahui! So what am I to do now, you ungrateful bitch?

Watch your tongue, for a start. If you insist on walking away from your duty, Rasputin won’t have any barriers to punish you. By “punish” I mean “torture in most twisted ways before actual killing”. But if you agree to serve the Patriarch, Rasputin will think twice before acting against the servant of the Tserkov. Late reinforcements delivery is just not reason enough for execution, you see?

I am not going to serve the Tserkov forever!

You won’t have to, trust me on that. I do have a plan of how to free us from Rasputin’s grasp. Besides, Alexej needs you for certain other matters. Just make sure you don’t trust him, and NEVER let him find anything about the plot.

The plot? I thought everybody backed out on us.

On the contrary. We were never that strong.

Is that the reason for all those talks about new Tsar?

No. I suspect it’s Azira’s doings, but I can’t be sure. Anyway, we didn’t start those rumors.

… So you want me to serve Alexej. BLYAD! I should have listened to Janvar and refused to bring reinforcements in the first place, like the rest of the princes.

But how could you resist your beloved Katrina?

I think your chambers need some visiting.

I think the others might call us deserters if we don’t come back right now.

The Knyaz and the Royal Spy returned to the meeting.

I serve the Tserkov! With all due respect to Grigori Rasputin and Sviatoslav, our Patriarch is officially the head of our Tserkov! As a law-abiding Knyaz, I find no other way to serve the Tsardom than to…

Sosunok.

... obey commands of the Patriarch. I will train the recruits and keep our capital in order. And if the enemy tries to…

Who ever said anything about training? We gave them spears and shields. They are ready for battle.

For. Battle?

Yes, my son. It is time to reclaim Morassia.

Spoiler

Hahaha!

Nobody else was laughing.

Hahah. Good one, Patriarch.

Do you want me to beat some senses in his disrespectful head, Your Holiness?

No, Dmitry. Thank you. I am sure that Iyul is just tired from all that recent marching.

Morassia. The province that belongs to my family. To my brother Janvar. You want me to fight my brother Janvar?

He will be gone hunting next week, along with his best warriors. You will attack while he is gone, claiming the province for the Tsardom. Then we can talk this all over with Janvar. The Tsardom needs taxes, my son.

This is all… dyermo. Dyermo, DYERMO!

Frustrated and confused, Knyaz Iyul left the Grand Cathedral.

Meet me in the Hall of Elders later, Sviatoslav. You don’t need to go to Morassia. I have other plans for you and Artemy.

No. Batushka Artemy will accompany Knyaz Iyul.

I WILL NOT!

YES, YOU WILL, SMERD!

Now the Patriarch's face was blood-red of anger.

If you disobey the will of your Patriarch one more time – I will strip you off Eparch’s title!

Do not worry, Artemy.

Batushka looked at Rasputin surprisingly.

Do as the Patriarch says. Accompany Iyul.

The meeting was lasting for several more hours. When it was finally over, Batushka Artemy and Sviatoslav the Prophet found each other to say farewells.

At least you won’t have to stay in this filthy city, Artemy. The place you truly belong to is out there, on the battlefield.

Blood and wine, Sviatoslav. Nothing else has any taste at my age.

Sviatoslav punched himself in the chest; Artemy tried to do the same awkwardly – his fatness was preventing short hands from delivering a firm punch. Sviatoslav laughed.

You are a living proof that it’s not physique that makes a true man, but the strength of his will.

And the sheer size of balls.

They laughed some more, and Sviatoslav was about to leave.

Make sure the purple-haired kid doesn’t fuck up.

I will. Hope to see you again, friend.

* * *

​

There you are.

Azira hated this place – the dirt from the graveyard was sticky and hard to clean from the boots. But Fiodor Polkin barely ever left his “working space”.

Spoiler

Azira, you old fat faggot! I wasn’t expecting you!

I’m not that old; I’m thinner than you; and you’ve asked me to come visit you here yourself.

YES! NO! MAYBE! Can’t remember. Anyway, I spoke wiz de dead.

Did you now?

Yes! Dey don’t know shit! As usual!

I’m wasting my time.

Local dead is useless, Azira! I have to go to Ivory Keep. Dat’s de place where Chernobog used to live and work. You know Chernobog?

All magic practitioners are forbidden to leave the city by the order of Master Ad Avis, who speaks on behalf of Grigori Rasputin. We must all contribute to the research.

De research can wait! We need answers, and we need dem now! Only de dead know de answers!

Relax, Fiodor. I asked to find out the source of those rumors about new Tsar. But if you cannot do it, no problems – I have other ideas in mind. No need to disobey Rasputin just to solve such a trivial matter.

Trivial, yes! Your face is trivial, Azira! I don't care who started your rumor. I have my own question for de dead. BYE!

Where are you going?

To de Ivory Keep, you fat fuck! Out of my way!

I’m warning you for the last time – as soon as Ad Avis notices your disappearance, you will be executed! We have ORDERS, do you understand what that means?

Fiodor Polkin stopped for a little while, taking a moment for final decision.

Spoiler

Jester, KEY CHOICE

1. Upsetting Rasputin is dangerous. Letting down the Countess is Sin. If Bogarus needs to research – you should probably stay and research.

2. We live only once, and you have this tingling feeling in your pants. The road calls!

Not that I even care that much, but what can possibly be more important that Rasputin’s direct order? What is that QUESTION you want to ask the dead?

Fiodor Polkin turned around and looked at Azira’s very eye. This ugly little necromancer, unwashed and unkempt, suddenly began approaching Azira slowly, step by step, giggling in the most sinister way he could possibly achieve. His fingers made several fast gestures, his lips murmured barely recognizable arcane words. The ground beneath Azira became uneasy. The corpses beneath it – they were returning back to life.

Fiodor? What are you doing?

Wrong question! Again! “What are you doing, Fiodor?”; “Who started the rumor, Fiodor?”; “Why don’t you research, Fiodor?” Wrong, WRONG, WRONG!

A skeletal hand burrowed its way to the surface from the nearby grave.

Do you know dat, feoretically, anyfing can be resurrected, as long as you have de corpse?

Yes?

And if you put enough effort, and have enough skill, de resurrected one can be brought back completely sane, wiz his mind almost intact?

Aaall right? Where are you heading? WHAT is the question, Fiodor?

Polkin’s yes were now shining with madness.

Where is ze grave of our first Tsar Boguslav?

 

[Andnjord]

SILENCE, you shameless spoiled child! You are not worthy to stand near this holy champion of faith!

I think Artemy is quickly becoming my favorite character. Manly tears will be shed when the inevitable Gath's Giant induced tasteful rape will happen.

Where is ze grave of our first Tsar Boguslav?

So you're going to to summon a mound king?

 

[Grimwulf]

So you're going to to summon a mound king?

No idea, mate. It all depends on KEY CHOICES!

Besides, I might be gangbanged by trigger-happy neighbors before I can do anything at all. Fun fact: no other nations start as close to each other as Bogarus and T'ien Ch'i! I mean, any flying mapmove 3 crap can attack enemy capital from its own capital anytime.

But we are roleplaying here, right? Right?

Spoiler

 

[Jester]

Taking into consideration several factors:

A) Probably it's related to 3rd faction. I expect bionic tzar we got technolo... emm magic. The only hope is unlikely (anti)hero beating them to corpse (and let's be honest if someone is to show respect to such procedure it's Fiodor. He is profesjonalist at screwing people after all).
B) There was no insanely bad suecidal decision yet we have to redeem. This don't sound codex. Someone have to be made an example of.
C) Rasputin sound like magical stalin.
D) No one expect this. Unexpected things help you gain adventage. Adventage helps you succeed. Insane people like success.
And most importantly E)

Spoiler

IT WILL BE A SAD DAY FOR HUMANITY WHEN MAN CAN'T TRUST HIS DICK ANYMORE. Foul sorcery strong enough to lead to such betrayal is unheard of.

Choosing 2 the call for adventure. Lets check where cojones lead me this time.

I am sure countess will be happy to meet him later.

 

[Azira]

You say "magical Stalin" as if that's a bad thing?