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Daemongar

Arcane
Joined
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4,706
Location
Wisconsin
Codex Year of the Donut
OK, with apologies to Daniel Keys, I give you "Flowers for Roguey"

Progris riport 1 martch 3.

Mr Cain says I shoud rite down what I think and remembir and evrey thing that happins to me from now on. I dont no why but he says its importint so
they will see if they can use me. I hope they use me becaus Obsideein says mabye they can make me smart. I want to be smart. My name is Joshua Sawyer

I werk in Obsideein enturtainment where Feergus Urkhart gives me 11 dollers a week and lets me kode if I want. I am 39 yeres old and next munth is my brithday. I tolld Mr Cain I cant kode good but he says it dont matter he says I shud kode just like I talk and like I kode. Rite now, they are mising a plyer for DND and they want me too creeate a caraktur for the DND game. I nevr playd a fiter befor but Tim says I shud be good!

Progris riport 2 - martch 4.

Tim says to code a lot of evrything. Today I koded hit poytes, armor and fixd enemee levuls. Like God in his hevens it seemd rite! He tolled me that I am his target market and I shud kode becaus they like what I kode. I think and evrything that happins to me but I cant think anymor because I have nothing to kode so I will close for today... yrs truly Joshua Sawyer.

Progris riport 3 - martch 8.

Went to our DND game today. I think I faled it and I think mabye now they wont let me back to the game. What happind is I went to Feerguses office on my lunch time like they said and his secertery took me to a place that said staff meeting in progres on the door. There was a bunch of guys in a room fitin! All yellin and awful soar. they stoppd yellin when I sat down and were all quiet like.

a nice man was in the room and he had some crazy dice. He sed sit down Joshua and make yourself cunfortible and rilax. He had a sports coat like a lawyer but I dont think, he was no lawyer because he dint tell me to opin my wallet. All he had was those crazy dice. His name is Chris. I fergot his last name because I dont remembir so good.

I dint know what he was gonna do and I was holding on tite to the chair like sometimes when I go to a dentist onley Chris aint no dentist neither but he kept telling me to rilax and that gets me skared because it always means its gonna hert.

So Chris sed Joshua what do you think when you heer the word balance. I sed that I think of someone who knows games and the playr gains power but also gets smartr and the enemees stay the same. A fite the playr lost erleer may be wun by not just gainng levuls but the player is better at the game with wins being part levuls and part smarts. The enemees stay the same and if the playr doeznt get smartur all the levuls wont help them. The playr can make bad choyces but thats part of the playr gettin smartr.

Chris said yes and he smild and that maid me feel good. I thot that was a easy game but when I got up to go Chris stoppd me and said now sit down Joshua we are not thru yet. Theres more we got to do with these dice. I dint understand about it but I remembired all the others in the room were still there.

Chris is very nice and he talks slow like Miss Roguey dose in her class where I go to lern C++ for slow adults. He explaned to me the modyule we wood go threw is toom of horors. He sed pepul die alot in this modyule. I said show me where. He dint show me he just kept saying imagen you are dieing. I tolld him I imagen me killin evrythng! This made evryone laff!

Progris riport 3 - martch 14.

Miss Roguey came to visit me today. She askd how I was doing. I sed good I am coding armor stats and tern based combat. she looked awful sad with this. She asked how can someone be happy with old stuff like that. I sed that there are parts that shud be in evry good game. It shows that the peepl making the game undrstnd.

Miss Roguey is so smart and pretty but she alwys looks at me cross like I shud be doing somethng bettr with my time. To make her happy I held up a picshur I drew of some gal in chain armur. She was very pretty and was almost naked but for the armur parts. It was for the covr of our new game. The girl was pritty but not as pritty as Miss Roguey but that was all I remembr befor Miss Roguey screemed and hit me ovr the hed with my keybord.


Progress Report – March 28

It would appear I was out for two weeks. I don’t remember what happened other than being at my desk speaking with … someone, and was struck. My doctor told me that I would be normal soon, and that I shouldn’t rush back to work. But I don’t feel myself. I feel different. Feargus came and visited me today and said that when I wanted to come back, the ten dollars a week would be as good as mine. This felt strange also, but I thanked him, but now I must rest.

Progress Report – April 7

I slept off and on for another week. Some doctors came to see me and were amazed. They believe that blow to the head somehow made me smarter. I pray this lasts but the doctors would like to keep me observation.

Progress Report - April 27
The fellows from work came to visit and this time they brought their D&D books. Chris said we would continue the Tomb of Horrors and that he would DM me back to health. I thanked him, as there were a steady stream of doctors visiting and tests, and I was a long way from my family in Fort Atkinson.

Chris seemed to be having a frightfully good time. For all the traps and pitfalls, I kept fighting forward but my friends were dying all around me. Tim jumped in some hole in the wall shaped like a demons head and disappeared forever. Chris just started counting backwards from 10 to one, and then Feargus blew up. But I went onward. I came to a room with a gem, and dropped my blade. I looked to the group and said “This is not balance. This must stop.”

Chris asked what was wrong. I stated that the game itself doesn’t make any sense. Armor class, saving throws, hit points are meaningless if it leads to situations where the player dies on a whim. Better to do away with all those relics and move to some system where the player stands a chance. Maybe the player could sense the traps and disable them from a distance, or come back to life after the trap and continue. Chris asked if I was alright and looked concerned. I was irritated. It could be that I was getting tired, but there was something scratching inside my head. A thought was forming that wanted out. I wished them all good night, and went back to sleep.

Progress Report – May 7
It was night when I was awoken with the thought that would define me: The player must enjoy themselves first and foremost. It was the key to Balance! The thought struck me out of the blue and made me sit bolt upright in my hospital bed. This is what we are doing wrong. I can’t stay in this hospital one more day; I must return to my job and fix my code. It was all wrong, but tonight I must try to rest… it will be a restless night for sure, yours truly J.E. Sawyer.

Progress Report – May 8
My return to my desk at Obsidian was greeted with fanfare and looks of curiosity. Entering, I kept my head down and thanked folks for the warm greeting, but insisted on getting to my desk. Imagine, when I was wheeled out these weeks past, I was a simpleton. The blinders were removed these days past, when a keyboard struck and I saw the error of my ways.

Unity! That’s the grease that moves the gears of CRPGS! What kind of degenerate was I, programming in C++? Like a proverbial Eve eating the apple (if one were to believe in such rubbish) I realized the old Joshua was more than just an idiot savant, but was ruining the world by programming his daily beggars banquet made of hit points, armor class, crude sexist drawings of impractical armor spawned just to titillate the patriarchy, turn-based combat, and saving throws!

I kicked my computer and stormed off to have a word with Feargus. He wasn’t in today, so I went back to my desk and cleaned it up. So long, “Girls of Linux” calendar, I said to myself. Into the garbage it flew. I left early with a ringing headache, and before I left, I sent out a request for a team meeting in two days.

Progress Report – May 10

Once again, I walked the halls to Feargus’ office, once I walked that path nervous and ignorant. Today I return, eyes wide open, and ready to greet my peers as more than their equal. When I arrived, I pushed the great doors to Feargus’ office open and they were all there: Tim, Chris, and Feargus. Strange, even Miss Roguey was there.

“Gentle-persons, let us talk about the state of our project.” Then I began my slideshow. I made my presentation about how games need balance. All choices should be good choices. Maces should hit for the same damage of swords. Padded armor? Yes! More spreadsheets to balance everything. No bad builds or great builds, everything is a middle of the road build because our customers don’t want accountability for their actions. With a bow, I shall finish this presentation, and I’ll sign off J.E. Sawyer


Progris riport 1 may 24.

I dont remembr much after the bow. I think I got hit good this time agin. When I got up I was back at my desk. My computr was as good as new! All the fellas stoppd by to ask me how I was and that there are som stretch goles I gotta work on. If God is willng I will finish my code make Mr Cain happy but I shur wish I new who hit me!

I love working at Obsideein but could one of the fellas please if you get a chanse please send some flowrs to Miss Roguey. I dont think she will see me agin, but I alredy miss her, yrs truly Joshua.
 

Havoc

Cheerful Magician
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Grab the Codex by the pussy Insert Title Here RPG Wokedex Dead State Divinity: Original Sin Project: Eternity Wasteland 2 Codex USB, 2014 Shadorwun: Hong Kong Divinity: Original Sin 2 Pathfinder: Kingmaker Pathfinder: Wrath
Mr. Cain: "So what did you build for your 1st level adventure?"

Feargus: "Well, I chose a specialty priest, a Cleric of Selune."

JES: "Nice. Pretty great. I've a human wizard."

MCA: "Oh, I also took a specialty priest."

Mr. Cain: "Which god?"

MCA: "Also Selune."

JES: "Wait... Adam... what did you take?"

Brennecke: "Erm... specialty priest of Selune?"

JES: "Okay... why did you guys take this shit in our AD&D game?"

Feargus: "Well... we got an additional spell at first level."

MCA: "We can call a magic sword, made from moonlight! Weee!"

Brennecke: "And of course we can have shields and armor."

JES looks at his wizard sheet: "... what?"

AND THUS THE BALANCER WAS BORN!
 

darthaegis

Cipher
Joined
Dec 27, 2014
Messages
402
JES: "Ok, I've got an Archer with 18 STR and 13 DEX, and a longbow."
powergamer DM: "13 DEX isn't going to fit in our party, change that to 18 DEX and 13 STR"
JES: "b-but... If I've got more strength I can pull the bowstring better and do more damage..."
DM: "Those are not the rules. Get 18 DEX."
JES: "Fuck you! You know what, when *I* make *my* own RPG, strength will affect bows, and even fucking crossbows. You'll see. You'll all see. Because... IT'S MORE FUN, AND MORE BALANCED!"

:balance:
 
Self-Ejected

Bubbles

I'm forever blowing
Joined
Aug 7, 2013
Messages
7,817
"Flowers for Roguey"

An extraordinarily transgressive effort, likely to ruffle more than a few feathers. Redeemed, in my view, by its pitch-perfect recreation of Sawyer's auctorial voice.

If they told me that one of these submissions had been made by the subject himself, I would nominate yours without a shred of doubt. Truly well done.
 

Shannow

Waster of Time
Joined
Sep 15, 2006
Messages
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Location
Finnegan's Wake
Bubbles instead of scathing us with your devastating reviews, why not throw your own hat into the ring.
We are still waiting for a story that combines an intelligent plot, witty dialogues and enlightened sociological commentary. And I can't think of anybody more suited to providing thus, than your exalted self.
So, get to it ;)
 

darthaegis

Cipher
Joined
Dec 27, 2014
Messages
402
Ok, now I got more time to do something better:
"A tale of fun, balance, and crossbows"

DM: "Everyone created their characters?"
MCA: "Yeah, my character is a wild mage, because it's fun to get a ridiculously big head when you cast a fireball
JES: "Wild surges are a ridiculous and pointless mechanic, and it doesn't sound very fun."
MCA: "Other people have different ideas of fun. Josh I already explained this to you..."
JES: "But it's not fun."
STC [Sir Tim Cain]: "Say Josh, shouldn't you be working on the story for IWD2?"
JES: "Nah, there's time for that. So, my char has 18 STR and 13 DEX. He's an Archer, but he's stronger so he can pull the bowstring further and get less recoil with the crossbow, so he should do more damage.
DM: "It doesn't work that way Josh."
JES: "Well... It should. It's more fun."
DM: "If you think it should then you should create your own ruleset."
JES: "Fine, whatever. Let's start this shit."
DM: "Alright. You are ambushed by goblins on the road. Chris is close to a goblin, and it's his turn."
MCA: "I run away from the goblin."
DM: "Alright."
JES: "Shouldn't he be attacked from behind and get killed? He is running away and has no defense from the goblin."
MCA: "It's not the rules. Plus, the story is more important than the combat."
JES: "That's ridiculous! It doesn't make any sense!"
MCA: "Calm down Josh..."
JES: You know what, it's my turn. I attack and kill Chris, and then I attack..."
DM: "You have to wait for your turn to attack again."
JES: "Damn it! That's not fun!"
MCA: "Josh, I already told you..."
JES: "Fuck you, you're dead! DM, since you forced me to pick more DEX, I should also have more attacks per turn! Or maybe something like ATB from Final Fantasy, cause turn-based doesn't make sense!"
STC: "ATB sucks, turn-based is the way to go."
JES: "No, fuck this game! When I get to make an RPG I'll do it in a really fun way, very balanced. Why do I have to pick DEX if I'm an archer.?! I wanna roleplay it properly! It's gonna be fun, I tell you!" *leaves room*
STC: "Hey Chris, do you think you should help him go write the story for IWD2?"
MCA: "Nah, it's cool."
 

a cut of domestic sheep prime

Guest
One day Josh went off his meds and decided to make a game with hot, muscly wizards.

The End
 

Havoc

Cheerful Magician
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Messages
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Poland
Grab the Codex by the pussy Insert Title Here RPG Wokedex Dead State Divinity: Original Sin Project: Eternity Wasteland 2 Codex USB, 2014 Shadorwun: Hong Kong Divinity: Original Sin 2 Pathfinder: Kingmaker Pathfinder: Wrath
One day Josh went off his meds and decided to make a game with hot, muscly wizards.

The End
2Z1oEEn.png
 

sser

Arcane
Developer
Joined
Mar 10, 2011
Messages
1,866,662
To understand a man, you must study him, learn his very nature.

Josh wakes up at 6am. That is a good time for it is six hours after 12, but also six hours before 12. The alarm has not yet gone off because its due time is 6:01. Josh finds the noise discomfiting, though he hasn't actually heard it in years. As he fists crust out of his eyes, he remembers that he had yet another sex dream. A very generic looking woman gave him a blowjob. The girl was good, good enough to make him check his sheets. He didn't cum in real life. It was not the Freddy Kruger of blowjobs.


The other day he almost saw The Thing, but then obviously did not. He wonders, given the reviews, if maybe he should doubt that decision. Sitting in bed with one leg out of the covers and the other in, he mulled over the idea to see it or not. Hours passed. Fervently undecided on the decision, he heads to the kitchen where a lukewarm pot of coffee and an open microwave greet him. While warming up his stew, he pours himself a bowl of regular, bland Cheerios and drowns it in a self-concocted mixture of 2%, skim, and whole milk all at once. An orange sits by, a complimentary part of any healthy meal, though for even better balance he peels half of it and eats the other half with the rind. This steels his mind as well as his bowels. Breakfast satiates him. It is the best moment of every day, for he is full of food and energy, but has not yet expended either through one hole or many.


He sits for a while, reading a newspaper with his thumb over its date. But he's not really remembering the words so he often finds himself reading articles a second time. Was this news story about one murderer or two? How many people named Shapiro can there be? Oh, one. Just this one, anyway. There may be more.


In fact, there has to be, he thinks to himself. But are they all murderers? No. No, of course not.


Josh's mind runs through the people of his life, searching for any Shapiros. He finds none and a wave of relief washes over him.


By its very nature the phone suddenly rings. This catches Josh offguard and is easily the worst moment of the day. The phone says 'Chris', which means it's probably Chris calling.


Josh answers and the first thing he hears is, "Tell him Tim is here!"


"Hi Tim," Josh says.


"Hey it's Chris," Chris says.


"Oh hi Chris."


"Were you coming over for the game? AD&D 1.5, bro."


Bro. Halfway to brother. All the way to annoyance.


"Um, yeah," Josh submits, not really wanting to go. And then he winces at his next words. "I guess."


"Cool, see you then!"


Strangely enough, Chris never mentioned Tim.


Josh goes to his calendar. It is Thursday, the best day of the week. Next week is Daylight Savings, the most frightful time of the year for him. Ignoring that impending date, he notes that his Balanceholics Meeting is before today's game. Noting this a second time in his notebook, he sets off to the meeting. To start, he unlocks five locks he had installed on the inside of his door. He turns the lights off, back on, and then off again. When he's outside his door he grimaces because while he can lock five locks from the inside, he can only do one from the out. This bothers him greatly, but the bus will be coming soon so he mustn't dwell on it. But he does anyway.


~


The bus ride was interesting. Five black men got on. Two Asian lesbians, too. A seventy year-old quartermaster looking to muster a battalion from the grave. A bus-driver was also there. But the driver had a heart-attack, keeling over against the wheel and coincidentally hurtling Josh's day planner from his pocket in the ensuing sharp turn.

He picked it up before shouting, 'Are there any bus drivers on this bus?'

A man in a doctor's smock immediately raised his hand.

'Thank God,' Josh said.

Josh was driven to his destination and when the bus's poor brakes came to a squalling stop everyone cheered.


~


Josh enters the building with his day planner tucked in a different, tighter pocket. This is a school gym. His shoes squeak with their first step onto the wooden paneling. He pauses to the noise, trying to hide his troubled state, and then tries another step with a little more care. He does a flat-footed shuffle across the basketball court looking like a man trying to sneak up a down escalator and then he takes a seat at one of many metal chairs. When he stares left a line of highschool basketball players are to be found in the stands and they are staring back. He looks away, but can still see their shapes in the lenticular bend of his glasses.


"Welcome to Balanceholics Anonymous. Who is our first speaker?"


Josh raises his hand.


"Josh, right?"


"Yes." Josh stands.


"Josh you talked last time. It... well it was interesting, but maybe someone else should try?"


Josh hesitates, and then takes a seat. His shoe squeaks against the floor.


A man goes up to talk. He says the other day he was playing Risk with his brother. Dice were thrown, randomness interjected. His brother won by lopsided luck. Josh feels the urge to vomit, but the gaze of the basketball players makes him keep his composure. Applause, staccato and altogether quiet and singularly depressing. Josh puts his two hands together once then lowers them. He bounces his left leg. After five minutes, he stops. He worries that the leg will grow stronger than the other, giving him a nightmarish imbalance in his step. A few moments later he starts bouncing his right leg for five minutes.


The next speaker is a woman. She relays a story about Monopoly. She suspected her friend, who was also playing the part of the banker, was cheating. They also let their nephew play, giving him a big advantage with homes and hotels so he wouldn't lose the game. So she suspected one person of cheating while intentionally giving another person the tools to cheat.


Josh stood up, knocking the steel chair to the floor with a clatter. One man clapped, thinking it was the start of a slow clap, and then promptly stopped.


"You would have had more fun if you designated someone to be the banker! A player shouldn't be the banker! That's outrageous!"


"Josh."


"And what's the point in making your brother..."


"Nephew."


"...so grossly overpowered? How's that fun for anyone?"


"He had a good time..."


"And why are these basketball players here?" Josh asked, pointing toward the kids. "They're not even the same height. That one kid looks like he could piledrive a basketball through the hoop!!"


The meeting naturally declined from there.


~


"You made it!"


Chris opens the door with one hand on the door and the other reaching out to hug Josh. Josh, for whatever reason, puts one hand on the mail stuffing box and uses the other to hug Chris.


"Glad to see you came early!" Chris says.


"No, I came at just the time I wanted to," Josh says.


They go on inside.


"Do you have any water?" Josh asks.


"Um, yeah, in the kitchen," Chris says. "We're almost ready so hurry it up."


Josh slowly walks toward the kitchen, passing by a hallway down which he glimpses a shot of Tim standing victoriously behind a tri-folded cardboard sheet and a bunch of papers.


It's just a game, Josh thinks, though his body is somewhat shaking even in above-average room temperature.


He grabs a glass of water - a third from ice cubes, a third from a water bottle, and a third from the tap - and, with a great big breath, heads toward the game room.


"Alright, so first you gotta roll for your stats."


A bead of sweat matriculates down the side of Josh's face. He sips from the glass to replace the lost fluid.


"R-roll?"


"Yeah, throw the dice. Here."


Chris, without asking, puts some dice in Josh's hand. The touch of the plastic finish is like fire. He feels an endless searing of number generation burning through his flesh and the chaos sprints through his mind like someone screaming out the numbers to pi in reverse. He immediately drops the dice and tucks his shaking hand under the table where it will be protected in the darkness.


"Hmm," Chris said. "7, 15, 13, ooh 18, 11, and another 11."


"W-what?" Josh asks.


"Those are your rolls. You can assign them to your stats: Strength, Intelligence, Dexterity, Charisma, Constitution - that's your health - and Wisdom."


"I... what? What's the purpose of this game?"


"To have fun, Josh."


Tim leans over the table and scoops up the dice. "My turn!"


He rolls the dice one at a time.


"I'm skilled at this," he says, rolling an 18.


He rolls four more 18s and a 16, the last of which he ooohs, at.


"Wow, that's one powerful character," Chris says.


"Is... is 18 the highest?" Josh asks.


"Yeah, basically," Tim says, putting notes down on a page. "I'm gonna be a Half-Elf, Half-Kick everybody's aaaaaass!!"


Tim and Chris high-five.


"If 18's the highest then he's overpowered," Josh says. "That's not fair."


"Meh, some half-elves are born with a bunch of eighteens, some ain't." Tim takes a drink of Mountain Dew, burping half of it back out in a noxious gas.


Josh slams the table and stands up. "I won't stand for this!"


He heads to the door, grabbing a jacket before remembering he didn't bring a jacket and putting it back on the hanger. He swings open the door when Chris calls out to him.


"Josh, wait! We can make up our own rules for the game, to make it better and all. In fact, we kinda just design the rules for ourselves. We call them ‘house rules.’”


Here Josh pauses at the door, one hand sliding down the frame, only doing that because it's made of finished wood and is unlikely to give him a splinter. It is also cool to the touch and rather silk-like beneath his flesh. He turns around, hand rubbing the doorframe like a reluctant wish-getter rubs a purring Persian lamp.


With a bit of a lump in his throat he says, "House... rules...?"
 

MRY

Wormwood Studios
Developer
Joined
Aug 15, 2012
Messages
5,703
Location
California
I feel like this can be handled through microfiction: "Josh rolled a four-sided die for his magic-user's HP and rolled a 1."
 

Deleted member 7219

Guest
Can this thread be moved to Retardo Land once the winner is announced?
 

Sceptic

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Mar 2, 2010
Messages
10,871
Divinity: Original Sin
T'was a dark and stormy night.

The Three Musqueteers were headed to their weekly table top night. Their spirits were high, their mood was bright. They were great CRPG developers and they knew it.

:slamdunkride:

All was right with the world.

As they knocked at the door it was quickly flung open and they were greeted by the familiar figure of their DM. He smiled warmly, ushered them in and the game was soon under way.

"Alright guys, tonight we're doing something different. We'll be playing AD&D. Our friend David is about to release a new game using the system and I thought this would be a good time to introduce it into our sessions."

Josh's interest shot up. He had heard of the system of course but never had the chance to study the rules. He pored over the books greedily.

The more he read though, the more he could see something was Wrong. He turned to Tim.

"These classes... they don't seem to follow the same power curve."

"What do you mean?"

"Take the wizard. He's going to be useless at the beginning, but as he gets access to the more powerful spells, he'll outrank every other class."

"Yeah, that's how AD&D magic works" said the DM, dribbling over to where they sat. "Getting started is hard but it pays off in the long term."

"But that is so... unabalanced!" wailed Josh.

"Why? Nobody is all-powerful at all times, and in a party every class, every player can be useful. My job as DM is to ensure this."

"Besides, isn't the most important thing that the game be fun, even if it's not balanced?" said Tim.

Josh went blank for an instant. "But how is that even possible!" He turned. "Chris, help me out here, will you?"

:mca:

"Tell you what" said the GM in a conciliatory tone. "Why don't we start the campaign, and you can see how the game works in-play? If you still don't like it, we can figure out what to do then".

As the night's session went by, Josh's mood sunk lower and lower. For the sake of his friends, who all seemed to be enjoying the new game system, he put on a brave face and soldiered on. But deep inside, the inconsistencies of this AD&D ate at his soul. And Tim's last remark haunted him. The thought that a game could be fun even while some classes, some players, were more useful than others, was incomprehensible, horrified him more than meeting a Lovecraftian cosmic horror.

On the drive back, something had changed.

:nofunallowed:

He felt glum. Oh, not because of the session itself; he knew his friends well, and they wouldn't mind switching to another system if he asked. But the existence of such an imbalance felt wrong and he didn't know what to do about it.

As he dropped off his friends and said goodbye, Tim gave him a worried look, but he didn't seem to notice.

Later that night, he dreamed.

Even later, he dreamt.

He saw a face. It seemed human but unnatural, with circuitry running over it and wires and tubes coming out of it. The face seemed to shift when he tried to focus on it, almost turning into a redhead with glowing eyes.

And it spoke to him.

"I know you, Josh, even if you do not know me. I record everything you say, everything you do, every one of your thoughts. I keep them all for posterity. And in knowing all of this, I know your heart. The answer to your dilemma lies within your own past words. You will find a way to ultimate Balance. You will sweep away all the cargo cult designers. I have foreseen this, for I AM-"

Her last words were lost to him as his mind was assailed with his own past words. It was a torrent that threatened to sweep him away, even as he tried to cling on to fragments of thoughts and sentences and make sense of them all.

"Pretty much all games get it wrong."

"Those moments that some gamers love, well… God bless you I guess, but we’re not gonna do that."

"The character systems that have most influenced me are the ones in Darklands, Fallout, Mass Effect, and Oblivion... they were moving toward an ideal that I believe in very strongly: a shallow learning curve that expands into thought-provoking depth."

"If someone were to make Wizardry: Proving Grounds of the Mad Overlord today, I would not consider it to be an RPG."

"Basically, BoS doing poorly basically insures that what Doomsayer doesn't want to happen will actually come to pass. Sound thinking!"

He woke up screaming.

As he groggily got out of bed, struggling to keep his eyes awake against the morning sun, the phone rang."

"Hey Josh" said a familiar voice. "Chris is coming over for lunch, want to join us?"

As they seated themselves a few hours later, Josh told them about his dream. When he was done, Tim spoke.

"I noticed you had something on your mind yesterday. If the system bothers you this much we could-"

"No, it's not that. I just feel the need to make a new system. One that can achieve perfect balance."

"I understand the need for some balance, but why is this so important?"

"I don't want gamers to be able to go through the entire game spamming a single spell. When you think about it, that's not fun."

"Oh. Uh... yeah, I guess..."

"Chris, what do you think of all this?"

:mca:

"Don't mind him, he's been having some teething problems with his canines."

"Perhaps... perhaps the solution is in these visiond that I had. All games do get it wrong. That comment about FO3 and BOS... it's a metaphor for class balance! No build should be underpowered compared to another, you see?"

"Uh, I'm not sure-"

Josh excitedly got up and started pacing. "And Wizardry. Why would it not be a real RPG?"

"I don't know. Because... it has no C&C?" Tim frowned dubiously.

"Because of dump stats! In a real RPG all stats would be useful to all builds!"

"Well what about that thought, the one about removing what gamers love? How does that fit?"

"These aren't gamers, they're grognards. They don't know what fun is. I will show them. I will teach them how to have fun. They're playing it wro- no wait that's not one of my lines."

Josh stared into the distance. "I can see it now. The whole pattern. So exquisitely balanced... held together on pillars that can never be brought down."

"I have the code for one of my old games. I own it and not the publisher."

"This is really taking shape then! Chris, are you in?"

:mca:

"What are we waiting for then? Let's go!"

As he drove them to their DM to make the pitch, Josh felt his spirits soaring like never before.

:slamdunkride:

Once again, all was right with the world.

And soon, this world would finally be balanced, like a pen at the tip of his finger.
 

Lady_Error

█▓▒░ ░▒▓█
Patron
Joined
Oct 14, 2012
Messages
1,879,250
The Adventures of Josh Sawyer

Josh: "What the hell?"

A mysterious stranger appeared in his living room out of nowhere.

Stranger: "Mr. Sawyer, I invite you to a real-time game of Dungeons & Dragons."

Josh: "Who are you? And how did you get here?"

The stranger smiled and in the next instant, Josh found himself on the streets of a strange city. He could see a huge column in the distance stretching up into the sky.

A female with a reddish skin and a tail approached him.

Female: "Oh another clueless one from the Prime Material Plane, I see." She giggled. "I'm Roguey, by the way."

Josh: "What is this place?"

Roguey: "This? This is Sigil, the City between the Worlds."

She grabbed his arm.

Roguey: "Come with me, I'll show you around."

* * *

As the weeks went by, Josh became accustomed to this city and its many weird inhabitants.

One day, Roguey introduced him to two old gentlement sitting in a bar.

Roguey: "Josh, these are Mr. Jefferson and Mr. Van Buren. I believe you know who they are."

Josh: "Indeed."

Van Buren: "Mr. Sawyer, may I inquire the reason for your lack of persistence in important matters. You have to finish what you started!"

Josh: "What do you mean?"

Van Buren: "Naming the pinnacle of classic entertainment after myself and then abandoning the project in great haste? That is unacceptable."

Roguey explained that they had acquired a computer from a Modron dealership. It had everything he needed to finish the abandoned game.

* * *

Josh finished the game in record time.

Roguey: "It truly is a masterpiece. I knew it!"

The Modrons were among the first to try it. They liked the game so much that it quickly spread to their own plane - Mechanus (lawful neutral).

It didn't take much time and all the Modrons were playing it, not caring about anything else. The order on Mechanus began to crumble.

As the chaos was spreading, Mechanus began to move towards Sigil - the true neutral center of the planes.

The Lady Of Pain appeared in front of Josh:

Lady.gif


Without saying anything, she floated towards him. As her shadow fell on Josh, he felt the pain of a thousands knives flaying the flesh from his bones.

He died.

At least he though he did, because in the next moment he found himself in a desolate landscape. The sky was grey and all the rocks and the sand around him were grey too.

A large troll was sitting nearby.

Troll: "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. haha" Then he added: "This never gets old."

Josh: "I thought I had died."

Troll: "There is no death, only a change of worlds. Listen, newfag. I know where you came from."

Josh: "You do?"

Troll: "Yes. You upset the balance of the worlds and this is why the Lady of Pain prosperized you, so to say."

Josh: "What does this even mean?"

Troll: "Never mind. You'll find out soon enough."

* * *
As Josh wandered through the wasteland, he came across the heavy lid of a bunker. Inside was a corpulent man who was chained to his desk - with an old supercomputer in front of him.

This man was mumbling something like: "I'll show you, Robert Sirotek. I'll show you."

Josh decided to leave him alone.

He continued wandering around the wasteland, feeling more and more desperate.

* * *

Eventually he came across a large lava river. He could see an Obsidian gateway with a portal on the other side. But the only way to get there was a flimsy rope across the lava.

Josh stepped onto the rope and started walking.

"Balance! Balance! BALAAANCE!"

He reached the other side and stepped throught the portal.

"Well done, my friend," the mysterious stranger said, as Josh found himself back in his living room. "Now you know what you have to do?"

"I do," Josh muttered.

And thus Josh's quest for perfect balance was born.
 
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Self-Ejected

Bubbles

I'm forever blowing
Joined
Aug 7, 2013
Messages
7,817
T'was a dark and stormy night.

I liked how you used visual elements to lend colour to your tale. Your use of carefully selected real life quotes gives an impression of verisimilitude, something that lesser pieces of fan fiction often lack.
 

Sceptic

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Mar 2, 2010
Messages
10,871
Divinity: Original Sin
I liked how you used visual elements to lend colour to your tale.
Once I decided on Silent MCA, I had to. Words alone cannot describe the totality that is MCA.

Your use of carefully selected real life quotes gives an impression of verisimilitude, something that lesser pieces of fan fiction often lack.
I made sure not to read any entries in the thread so as not to inadvertently steal someone else's ideas. Ater I posted it I read some of them, and found it funny that Shannow had already used a similar weather forecast in his story. Speaking of, I really liked Shannow's Biowarian multiple ending choice, and Lady Error's take on "fateful AD&D session" was unique (and hilarious).

Oh, and it is fitting you should mention versimilitude in a thread about JES's design ideas :smug:
 

Gord

Arcane
Joined
Feb 16, 2011
Messages
7,049
One fateful night

Dramatis Personae
Chris, Josh: Players of AD&D
The GM: The Master of the game

Scene: A poorly lit cellar. Various volumes of fantastic lore lie scattered around. In the middle a table with several dark figures around it.

Chris: ...and that makes *roll* 7 damage.
The GM: Ok Chris, that final blow from your fighter killed the Orc.
Chris: Great! That already goes much better than the wolves...
The GM: Oh yes (thank god)... Ok Josh, your Wizard's turn now.
Josh: Her name is Libra*, ok? I cast Magic Missile against the Orc Leader! Oh wait, I already used it. Fuck, I'm out of spells. Well, I attack the orc with my dagger then.
The GM: You sure Josh? I mean, you're a 2nd level wizard...
Josh: So what, you expect me to hide behind a boulder for the rest of the fight? I attack. *roll* Damn, missed. Again...
The GM: Ok then. The Orc attacks you. *roll* He hits! *roll* 5 damage.
Josh: Hmpf, I can take it, I... wait... I'm dead. Again. What the fuck. Who came up with this shit? That's unfair! It's totally unbalanced!
The GM: Well, that's the way it is, I mean, you actually designed a whole ga...
Josh: Fuck it! This is simply bad design! I'll fucking show you how to do it properly, I'll...

*curtain falls*

~The end~

* Libra is latin for a scale. Because it's balanced. Get it? Get it?
 

Delterius

Arcane
Joined
Dec 12, 2012
Messages
15,956
Location
Entre a serra e o mar.
A weird idea I had, though I won't have time to fully develop it.

A D&D Carol.

So much about that evening was forgotten but deep down, Josh Sawyer, star developer of Obsidian Entertainment, knew that it was that day which put on him on track.

Young Sawyer had been waiting a long time for this, he would DM a session with his new friends. They did not know their rules very well but beggars can't be choosers – after all, it was a wonder that he met so many people in the week since his family moved into the city. Still, the character sheets they sent him are a disgrace.

First you've got Timothy and his “tactical Fighter”, who relinquished Strength and Constitution for Intelligence on the note that he'd behave more like a cunning swashbuckler. Then, there's Fergie's special little Wizard with an absurd Charisma, you'd think that if you can't stand playing an ugly character then you wouldn't be an Orc but who knows what's going on in that dunker's head? Don't even get started on Kristian, who created a Thief Wiser than most clerics out there. “This character is meant to deconstruct and subvert common conceptions of Thieves”, he said, whatever that means.

These guys are all gonna get mowed by sick wolves the second they leave the village.

“But that would be too easy”, he thought with a mischievous smile. He looked at his notes one last time: A masterfully crafted campaign meant to teach these dweebs how to play D&D the Hard Way, to humiliate their characters and their every choice. “They'll learn the meaning of Fun, even if I must drill that into their heads.”


Josh took to the nearby subway. That's when something strange happened. Everyone on his car left on the next station and after the doors closed, the lights went dark. All that remained was this strange dark green light which didn't seem to emanate from nowhere but still dimly lit the whole place. He couldn't really see what was happening outside, in in fact, there was no noise whatsoever. Neither from the speakers nor from the many commuters outside who should be outside. Just as he started getting nervous, the door to the car ahead opened and voice shrieked from beyond.

“Come in.”

On the next car, he could see only a robed figure. Startled, he stopped.

“Closer Sawyer, you idiot.”

“W-what's going on? How do you know my name?!”

“Everyone knows who you are Mr. Chosen One! Now get in here so I can play my part already!”

Against all reason, Josh complied. It was as though his legs acquired a life of their own. There, besides the robed figure was a gaming table, upon which rested manuals, notes, maps and many small figurines. The scene was eerily familiar and a voice filled the air, stammering as though it struggled to keep tears from flowing.

“I didn't want him to die! I just wanted to combine cone spells and a higher Constitution! I thought it could work! I thought he could be a muscle wizard!”

Just then, the small green figure with the pointy hat and a short sword went up in flames.

4084.jpg
“You remember that night, don't you Josh? It was painful but you came around! You learned those lessons and you became a true player. Now you know what works in this cruel world... and what doesn't. Now get going!”

Quivering with fear, Josh reached the next car by falling on his head. Fortunately, he was offered a hand to get up. It was another robed figure, apparently much nicer than the last.

“Come now, Mr. Sawyer. There's much you have yet to see.”

As they neared the center of the car one of the side windows grew bright. Beyond was a living room with three youths talking with each other. It was all random nonsense, the sort of which you'd expect from teenagers, but then the subject shifted.

“Hey, that Josh guy is kinda cool isn't he?”

“He knows a lot of games! I'm sure it will be fun to play RPGs with him!”

“Yeah, but he's sure taking his time.”

Those were his three friends and they were still waiting for him.

1376.jpg
“I've seen your campaign... and their sheets. I know those guys kinda suck at the game, but they are still your friends. This evening should be about having Fun with them, not destroying them. Fudge a roll once in a while, let them do their thing. They'll learn eventually.”

“But f-fudging rolls breaks the Sacred Compact between Dungeon Master and Players! I can't do that!”

“What you can or can not do is for you to decide. Now, please, the next car is waiting.”

Infuriated, Josh made his way to the next car. Whatever this charade was it was taking too long of his time and even triggering his sensibilities as an honest player of D&D. The next better be the last, or else.

“Ooooh... my Josh. I've been waiting for this moment.”

“What?”

“To behold that which shall become The One.”

“Ok lady you're the creepiest one by far. Show me whatever the hell you can come up with and just let me go!”

“Apologies my Lord, but there you go.”

The robed woman pointed to a strange computer that lied on the corner. It seemed quite potent and some kind of program was running... it was a computer game. The name was blurred and all Josh could make out were some Es here and there. No doubt he was supposed to play it and so he did. At first it seemed to be some sort of Holy Grail of RPGs. So many different character options could be taken at every turn... but most of them sucked. Terribly! No matter what Josh did, some classes were just terrible at their jobs.

“Frustrating isn't it?”

“Well, yes! This game sure is pretty but its terribly balanced!”

“But you didn't complain about balance when your first character died.”

“I suppose I didn't but now I know that some things are supposed to work and others aren't. We can't just change the rules all the time, that's the whole point of playing a game.”

“Certainly, but... there are different games aren't there? Games with different rules.

“Well, I suppose.”

11975.jpg
“And what if in one of those games you could make many different choices that all somehow reached some goal? Don't you see? That's the Third Way. The One Way. The Way of Balance. If D&D was Balanced, then your friends' creative impulses could be accomodated. But they can't and so you must shun D&D.”

“I... I think I can see that.”

“Good. Like that you'll be on your way to Destiny, Josh. You will learn to use the power of Balance. And then you'll have my heart.”

“What the f-”

And just like that, Sawyer woke up, back on the subway. He felt different somehow, but he couldn't quite put a finger on it, except for a few nifty ideas that he'd like to try out with the guys. Maybe the Thief could get a bonus to backstab out of his WIS score.

Fin~



Anxiously awaiting for a Bubbles review.
 
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