This FF8 LP is totally dead.

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wednesday was yesterday. update did not cum. you LIED to us!

Deliver, Horse. Deliver nao.
This is getting ludicrous.

Let's go for 8 pages.

Sorry, internet. First thing I did when I came home was fall on my bed. I didn't mean to neglect you, but don't worry, it won't happen again. I have moved the bed so now when I get home I'm gonna fall on the floor and bleed all over the computer as I update this shit. Promise.

Aww, that's so cute.

Update 02: The second update

Welcome back to another exciting episode of the excitingest let's play here on the RPG Codex Playground. In the previous update we saw two frames of a cool intro movie and immersed ourselves in the fabulous place that happens to be Balamb Garden. Now join me as Squall musters up the courage to explore Balamb Garden and its quirky characters! It'll be awesome, let's do it!




Ah, Balamb Garden. Quite a nifty base of operations, huh? Well, at least I think so. Has everything you could possibly need when you're a teenage mercenary fighting for justice and the occasional world peace. There's even a card club!



CC Club? Is that supposed to be the 'Card Club Group'? Seems a bit redundant, but then again I'm not a gifted teenager training at the most elite military academy in the world. We'll bump into the CC Club soon enough, but for now let's explore this place a little more thoroughly.

We've already seen the infirmary, so let's skip that and take a look at that quad thing. Selphie mentioned there's gonna be a festival there or something. It's just to the north of the infirmary.



Selphie's running around here, pestering everyone she sees about the garden festival.

Excuse me, do you play an instrument?
C'mon, don't ignore me.
Heeey, I know you! I ran into you by the classroom, right?
I'm on the executive committee for the Garden Festival.
If you're interested, come by and check out the stage.
It's my dream to form my own band.
Of course, I'll need four people. Wanna join?
Excuse me, do you play an instrument?

She chases you into the next area! Honestly, with idiots like Selphie around you, is it really that strange that you might just prefer to be alone sometimes?

Further in we find one of the saddest excuses for a stage that I personally have ever seen.



I know it's still being built and all but that has to be a fucking joke. It has to be. I refuse to believe anything else.

We'll find Selphie here too asking if we want to join the festival.



I say yes because if not she's just going to ask us again later on and then we HAVE to give her an answer, so... It doesn't matter anyway other than making her go whoo-hoo and shit.

So that's the quad. Fancy, huh?

Here's the entrance to the cafeteria, and hey there's the blue kid!



Hey, blue kid. You'll see plenty of students just walking around the Garden in order to make you believe this is a school with more than ten students. Most are just filler and won't talk to you (you can even run straight through them) but some are quite important and this is obviously one of them since he has a unique character model and everything. As a low-ranking member of the CC Club, he holds the rare, one of a kind MiniMog card, but not for long. Let's challenge that son of a bitch!



Aww yeah!



And I won. The Triple Triad/Tetra Master card game is pretty much as strategic the Final Fantasy-series ever got, and then saying it's strategic is pushing it pretty fucking hard. I don't think I need to bother explaining how it works. Basically, bigger numbers = better. In my opinion there's very little else you need to keep in mind, but later on we're going to mess around with different rules that'll change some stuff around so look forward to that. Still, bigger numbers = better.



Hell yeah! Our card collection grows! Alright, run along now, kid, we have a cafeteria and new, interesting characters to meet! Not to mention another rare card to steal. Let's do it!



Look, it's Seifer and his mötley crüe! Here to get something to

SEIFER. DRINK?

Meet Fujin, everyone. Angry girl with an eyepatch and apparently some sort of... problem that causes her to communicate entirely in loud one-word sentences. It's basically because she speaks in kanji, and kanji is basically pictures with grammar and stuff crammed into it, I suppose? The localization team made the call that screaming one-word sentences was the best way to translate kanji. The internet is apparently rather pissed off at the translators because of this, but the internet is a bunch of z-list retards so fuck that shit.



First ........ of the game, folks. Much like Barret did it in FF7, Seifer's introducing us to it in FF8. It sets the tone fairly well, I think.

...Can I drink somethin'? I'd like some water, ya know.

This is Raijin, token black guy. Same deal as Fujin, localization apparently messed up at translating the badassery of “ya know” in japanese to “ya know” in english. Look closely and you might see that “ya know” is pretty similar to “yakuza” and, wait, no it fucking isn't! The internet is retarded. There's nothing badass about “ya know” goddammit! Internet, you can't blame localization teams for everything Square fucks up.

Anyway, these two were originally supposed to be in FF7 as part of the Turks but apparently Square decided it against it. “Good characters go in good games” Hironobi Sakaguchi said and stroked his penis with an scuba action man doll. “Make Fujin and Raijin a comedy duo in part 8 of the saga!” I'm writing fanfiction. So yeah, as if Selphie wasn't enough, Fujin and Raijin joins the always expanding comic relief squad. This is one of the biggest problems in FF8; what are you supposed to do when most characters are annoying comic relief?



Uh oh, looks like they spotted us. Hey, Seifer, whassup?



Oh right, I forgot you're all .......... and shit.

Well, let's try talking to 'em!



Right.



Busy, busy, busy! Very busy!



Hell yeah, it is! Raijin is always such a nice guy. No matter what he does, he's always friendly. Sure, at one time in the game he's gonna fight you and put a huge staff up your ass, but he'll do it in such a friendly way, you'll swear it was actually you that asked him to put it there.

(Square would eventually recycle Raijin and turn him into Wakka, a slightly racist definitely stupid swimball player, but that's another liquor cabinet for another day.)






Comic relief, folks.

Squall, psst...psst....psst... (Fuijin's kinda harsh at times so you betta watch it too, ya know?)
WHAT?
O-Oh! I-It's nothin'!

But before Fujin can kick Raijin again, SUDDENLY! Another member of the comic relief squad group team enters the cafeteria!





D-Do you have any... hot dogs left?
You're a bit late, I'm afraid. We're all sold out!
Damn! Not again...! It's hopeless if you don't get here early... Alright, I'll try again next time...
I'll try to order more, but there's no guarantee!

Alright, what the fuck is up with hot dogs at this fucking place? Are they made of hasch or something? Is the other food really so bad that most students practically lives on nothing but hot dogs? I mean, WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE HOT DOGS AT BALAMB GARDEN?! THEY COME IN A BUN AND THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT!

Eh.

Squall and the disciplinary committee watches in awe as the energetic fellow makes his sad, empty-handed walk out of the cafeteria...





There must be something really fascinating about this guy.




Hell, there BETTER be something REALLY fascinating about this guy!



Why am I acting like I don't know this game?

!
!?
!?
...... ...ya know.
Speeding. Let's go arrest that student for violation of academy regulations.



AFFIRMATIVE.
Roger, ya know!



*sigh*

Honestly, that was actually pretty funny, but then again anything that involves Seifer bullying Zell is great, even when it's actually really fucking lame.

By the way, have you noticed how many names begin with s-sounds in this game? Squall, Seifer, Selphie, Zell, Cid... I don't know if it means anything.

Let's check out the cafeteria!



Christ! Enough about those fricking hot dogs already! Let's try the other cafeteria lady.



I must say, being young is so great. It's like this burst of energy flowing within you... constantly, and...

Christ! Enough about your life's story, already!



Let's... oh well, let's lend a fucking ear...

But seriously, with all these youngsters around, I'm beginning to feel young myself. I start thinking to myself, “Hey, I'm still all that!” You know what I mean! Ahahahahahaha! What am I saying!? Ahahahahahaha! Well anyway, I have a son about your age, but he is just so incompetent, and...



Make it quick, I was supposed to meet my instructor two days ago and I still have half the Garden to show to the internet.

So, my son, he's not as bright as all you here, so... I was worried about his future. Then about a year ago... “I'm goin' on a journey to see what I can do!” he said. Can you believe him? I was really surprised at first, but... My son had this serious look I'd never seen before. So I built up enough courage and told him to go for it. Well, when I look back at it now, all he did was make me and my husband worry. But now, my, has he matured. He's grown up, I tell you. It sure gets lonely without him. ..Oh my, I'm sorry. I got carried away. Whenever I see you youngsters I just get nostalgic. I wonder where he is now.

If I ever run into him, I'm gonna decapitate him, piss down his neck and bring you the piss, lady. Trust me on that.

So, further in we have a bunch of students sitting around, doing absolutely nothing interesting.



The first group discusses how sad they all are, and rightly so.



The other two are way more important. The black guy, see, is one of Quistis' fanboys (we saw him up in the classroom, remember) and a card player. He holds the rare Quistis card, as well as the not-quite-so rare Biggs & Wedge card. Let's beat him up.



Yay. Alright, let's rush through the rest of the place now.

Dorms.



Parking lot.



Training center.



And libr-hey, what the...



Uh yeah?

You're that problem child... Don't you have the final SeeD exam today? And you're making Instructor Trepe wait! What are you still doing here!?

Well, there's the internet and oh hey library!



Ah, the Library Girl with a Pigtail. We're gonna see more of her later.

Hidden beyond the fabrics of thin air we find a draw point.



And a girl!



Don't we all. Speaking of exciting books, let's go pick up the exact opposite right now.



This is a magazine called Occult Fan. As I'm sure you can guess, it's basically X-Files the magazine but only half as boring as an episode.

The library will become one of the most visited locations in the Garden, since there's a particular sidequest that will have me running in and out of it like an idiot in order to trigger a certain scene. Otherwise it's a fairly unimportant place.

Leaving the library we run into a guy who says something about how he want SeeDs to have more brains than brawn. Well, don't we all!

Alright, we're finally ready to meet Quistis!

But first let's talk to those two girls by the directory.



Why, thank you, pretty little thing.



I know.
What? You don't know where the front gate is?
What? Of course I do, it's...
You're kidding me, right? There's only one gate. Head south from where we are.
I know!
Did you also forget that you can check where you want to go on the Directory? It's easy! I'll show you!
Fuck this, I'm outta here!
Man, Squall's such a weirdo!
Yeah, what's his problem?!

In the next episode Squall finally meet up with Quistis, cancels three tutorials and enslaves a fire pokemon! Look forward to that, fellow Final Fantasy fanboys!

{Raise an eyebrow}

Still havent got out of school building? What've you been doing?

This game is awesome and I want to show everyone how awesome it is. Even if it'll take six updates to defeat Ifrit.

So, this thread will reach 30 pages before we even kill the first boss?

DriacKin... I like the way you think.

Horse, you one fucked up dude.

A cat is fine too...

Don't you dare cut one line from the fantastic dialog. Let us have it all in its full glory. It will be a test of will and bravery.

Also awesome. Moar. Moar Zell.

Yes horse, please. Let us witness this masterpiece in all its uncut glory. I want to see every side quest and read every line of dialogue.

Don't disappoint us. Abandon your life and dedicate yourself entirely to this noble endeavor.

I'm sure anyone who read let's play FF7 isn't going to worry about me abandoning my life in favor of playing games for the internet.

Still, I am going to transcribe a lot of dialogue and I am going to do EVERY sidequest there is. There's only a couple of them but then again they're all pretty lengthy so don't worry about that, you gloriously well-groomed New Orleans ex-bookstore owner you.

Just wanted to share these fine FFVIII lesbian fanfics:

There is one about Fujin and Selphie.
http://www.devianthearts.com/viewuser.php?uid=2517

Unfortunately, I'm blind so you have to do a dramatic reading.

Oh, it's fucking on.




I guess I'll have to stay at the codex for three more years.

Page 6 and you're still on CD1?

WTF, horse?

Also: MOAR

About the "hot dogs" thing. In the original game, BREAD is the much sought after treat in the cafeteria. Apparently, it's hard to find bread in Japanland (other animu and manga make it seem like it too, since they make a big deal of bringing bread to eat during recess). It's like melons are fucking expensive there so it's a good gift to bring to a rich person when you visit them.

The translators thought it would look retarded to amerikanski audiences to have everyone being crazy about bread, so they changed it to hot dogs.

...so, yeah. Didn't help much.

Just look at him. He manages to look gayer than the guy in leather with a puffy collar, and be more annoying than Selphie. If that ain't fascinating, I don't know what is.

Also, I just noticed you have to run after someone to arrest them for running. Fuckin' blows your mind, eh

Well, if I think really hard and force myself to come to a consensus with my three brains, I can actually kind of understand why some high school students would have a desire to eat hot dogs three times every day. But bread? Just bread? Do they at least get something else with that? Cheese, maybe?

It's one of them cultural differences things, isn't it? Christ, I can't wait until Sweden acquires nuclear weapons and bombs every other country into dust and snorts it all up in one grisly nosebleed.

And he still hasn't even done anything gay or annoying! That's skill.

The police have to drive fast in order to arrest people for speeding. Mind = blown.

Andyman, I'm playing Daggerfall right now and whenever I see a brown horse hanging out in one of the cities I think of you.

Are your thoughts sincere?

In the french version, he's after pretzels.

He showed up. Nothing needs to be done or said.

Whoa. That's some deep shit.