This FF8 LP is totally dead.

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Well, I could post some more Swamp Thing in the meantime alongside playing New Vegas...

 

[Radisshu]

At times, the Swamp Thing artist really cannot into drawing.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Are you dissing John Totleben motherfucker?










PS: There are many artists, so I have no idea who you are talking about.

 

[Radisshu]

I'm dissing the guy who drew this page.

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

That'd be Shawn McManus, who was a guest artist for this issue. Next issue our bros Totleben and Bissette are back for a longer story arc (which is very very awesome).

 

[Radisshu]

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Fun fact, McManus eventually went on to draw issue 32 of Swamp Thing which got himself nominated for a Jack Kirby Award for Best Single Issue. I wish I could say I looked that up on wikipedia, so there. I am not a nerd. (Issue 32 is the only single issue of any comic book I own. The more you know.)

I'm not quite back yet so feel free to continue hijacking the thread if you want. I've had a whole bunch of shit that I needed to take care of so I'm thinking I need to rest up a bit.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Update 13: I can't hold up this facade any longer

Last time on FF8 we assisted the Timber resistance group The Forest Owls. Squall and friends had an absolutely smashing time kidnapping what they thought was the President of Galbadia in what very well might be the dumbest train heist in fiction. While the successful mission quickly turned into absolute failure, we did learn the reason for President Deling's sudden, mysterious and quite frankly annoying visit to Timber. Prepare for info dump.

The TV station? Why in Timber? They can broadcast just as easily from Galbadia.

Squall, do you think the Dollet communication tower has anything to do with this?

What's that?

Dollet has a communication tower that can transmit and receive radio waves. It had been abandoned for a long time, but the Galbadian Army got it up and running yesterday.

Ohhhh... I get it. The only TV station that can handle broadcasts over the air is in Timber. Other stations use HD cable, which only supports online broadcasting.

So what's that supposed to mean?

It means your country is behind the times and the President's coming to wreck your stone age shit up!

No, it means they're planning to use radio waves. This way they can transmit images to regions without cable.

Oh, I know that! What I want to know is, what is the president going to broadcast!? There must be something they want to say to the whole world. What can it be?

Any ideas? Selphie?

Nobody takes my flower power gimmick seriously.

Suck more dicks, hippie.

Ahem, but if I remember correctly, radio waves haven't been used in 17 years!

That's almost as old as most of this game's cast are.

Think there's a tie-in there, Sasquatchall?

I wouldn't be surprised if the game suddenly turned into a time travelling scooby-doo mystery about three strange alien teenagers from space and the construction of television.

17 years. It's really been that long? Hey! Wouldn't it be wonderful if the first broadcast could be the declaration of Timber's independence!?

Hey! That might be possible!

Let's come up with a plan then!

Come up with a plan?

...

Wait, are they seriously planning what I think they're planning? They're planning to hijack the president's broadcasting slot to declare Timber's fucking independence... even though they HAVEN'T ACTUALLY LIBERATED INDEPENDENCED ANYTHING!!

Learning this, the team's morale immediately goes down.

Yeah, that should tell you something about this particular resistance group. Anyway, Selphie suggests we check out the contract. Sounds like a really good idea. I honestly can't believe we didn't do it as soon as we arrived in this shitty fucking town.

FACEPALM.

Before we get into that, can I see your contract with our Garden?

Oh, sure.

Oh for the love of semen these fucking assholes don't even have a fucking desk drawer or something to store their important documents!

What's it say?

… Balamb Garden (hereafter referred to as Party A) acknowledges The Forest Owls (hereafter referred to as Party B) as the hiring party. SeeD (hereafter referred to as Party C) shall be dispatched upon signing of this contract. Party C shall operate under the supervision...

The hell...?

I don't get it.

Final Fantasy is a game for kids. Sorry for the spoiler.

Yeah, that one is pretty confusing. When I told him I didn't understand, Cid punched me in the vagina, grabbed a crayon and scribbled a new one for me.

… “Hey, Squall, help these fucking morons. Love, Cid.”

*nods*

And you want us to fix Timber's independence?

*nods*

…..

Is there a problem?

No. No, there's no problem. Excuse me, I'm going outside for a moment. I'm going to slaughter the entire galbadian army stationed here, execute the president of Galbadia, then I'm going to mobilize the Timber army, all six people, and we're going to take the train to Galbadia and burn it to the ground and secure Timber's independence once and for all. I'll be back in fifteen minutes. Tops.

Wow, sir! That's pretty awesome, sir! Can I come, sir?

Absolutely, both you and Zone are coming with me. I'll need you two to catch bullets.

But... what about my stomach?

Catching information is my thing, sir!

Squall, you're a paid professional, stop being such a douchebag.

Alright then, so what's YOUR plan then?

We're going to run to the TV station and declare Timber's independence!

Best plan ever.

And it only took us ten seconds! Alright, let's settle on a group of three.

Three?

Our research shows that it's the absolute bestest party limit!

What research?

Ohhh my stomach!

Whatever. Zell is staying on the train, because I say so, so Squall, Selphie and Rinoa will run up to the TV station and do whatever the fuck Rinoa's planning. I hate this shit so fucking much. Let's go.

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Meanwhile...

He was asking about the president's stay! I found it strange that a cadet would keep asking about the president. He was very polite and kept addressing me as 'sir'.

I think I know who you're talking about! He was taking care of three suspicious looking characters from Balamb! I'm gonna go question every teenager in the area!!!

No, wait...

He already left, sarge.

We can't just...

How dare they try to kidnap the president! Not only is it disrespectful to the president, but also to us soldiers as well! I'll be sure to find them and throw their sad behinds in jail!!!

YEAH! RAPE AND PILLAGE! RAPE AND PILLAGE! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!

...OOOORE??

….

….

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!

GODDAMMIT TIFA!!

Fun stuff.

Alright, TV station. Here's an incredibly drawn map of the town, courtesy of the item shop guy.

It's designed to look intimidating and complicated but in reality it's actually very simple and easy to understand. Looks like we need to go through the pub to get to the TV station, and to get to the pub we need to pass something called Tim.Mani. Well, it's not like the town is very large anyway.

Before doing anything, let's acquire masturbation information on our pal Zone.

Sounds like Zone likes to ejaculate both ways. Not just from the ass if you know what I mean. He likes to shoot semen from his penis, if you know what I mean. Well, we're gonna keep an eye out for a magazine called “Girl Next Door” for him. He might reward us substantially, if you know what I mean. Then again, since I've played this shit more than once already, I know he won't. But we're gonna get the item anyway since there's no reason why I wouldn't want to unload it right in his face once I get the chance, if you know what I mean.

Moving on, if you know what I mean, we stumble upon the bridge overlooking the trains. The soldiers are gone doing their rampagous deeds offscreen, and Rinoa comments how strange it is how all trains have suddenly stopped.

It's definitely a mystery that the occupation force is now suddenly eviler than usualer just because some dumbshits tried to kidnap the importantest person in the world.

Also some lady totally fucking achooos right in Squall's face.

I had a bukkake joke but opted for a talk about three games I played as a majestic pony. Take it away, gang.

Total Annihilation.

KKND.

MDK.

That's not a strategy game.

That's right. It's a good game.

Ooooh!! Do the David Caruso thing!

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Our party enters the inn, looking for some info (and a save point).

Basically, the G-Men are tearing up the place (offscreen) so it's too much of a risk for Rinoa to rent a room right now. Rinoa is very understanding and calls the lady Miss DiMarco who insists that Rinoa calls her Francesca instead because they've known each other for so long. Either way this was a complete waste of our time (aside from saving, which despite playing on an emulator, I still do). Miss Francesca DiMarco is not important in any way.

OR IS SHE?!!

No, she really isn't. Timber is boring, let's try leaving.

Look, it's two of them evil soldiers that's currently “tearing up” Timber. Here we see them intimidate Timber's militia for no real reason other than being EVIL. We have to stop them! But first, let's listen a bit.

Better keep your eyes peeled. If you let one resistance member in here, your dear kids are... well, dead meat. Heh heh heh.

You reading this shit? That's pretty fucking evil, man. They're gonna like shoot his kids and stuff. Can't believe they didn't give out an M rating for that. Shit's wrong on so many levels.

We're not gonna do that. We're gonna take exactly one step forward and initiate the next bit of dialogue and then we're gonna save these Timber guards by killing the Galbadia soldiers guarding them so that when the people the Galbadia soldiers are reporting to asks what happened to the Galbadia soldiers they're gonna ask the Timber guards and they're gonna say they don't know and the Galbadia soldiers reporting to peoples are gonna be like suspicious and kill the Timber soldier's children let's do it!

So I heard everyone here supports the resistance. You guys are such fools. Just imagine how much this place would thrive if you were loyal to us. This place is gonna be stuck in the backwoods forever.

Damn! Your responses, Timmy and Timbaland?

(I named the Timber soldiers Timmy and Timbaland because I am clever like that.)

...And you? Are you happy with your life? Blindly following orders everyday, doing things you don't probably believe in? So what if we're undeveloped. We're not looking to thrive. All we want is to be able to stand on our own feet; to be independent and live according to what we believe.

You guys will probably never understand, having thrown away your pride and dignity. We're not the fools. You are.

WHOOOOOAAA... Your response, Justin?

Oh well.

No fucking shit.

And even though we risked life and limb to save these retards, they won't let us leave. Fun fact, everything in this update up to now has been completely optional pointless. So let's remedy that.

Here we are at the Timber Maniacs. I wish I could call it a Timber Maniacs Mansion, because Maniac Mansion is a good game and if I had a choice I would like to spend the rest of my days playing good games. No such luck. Let's see what Timber Maniacs is all about.

Hey, is it alright if we take a look around?

Are you a galbadian soldier?

Yes, I'm a galbadian undercover agent here to destroy Timber's underground resistance anti-Galbadian terrorist guerilla groups.

Alright, have fun.

Thank you.

… Was that a man?

Timber Maniacs is a publishing house made famous by its hugely popular travel magazine which people bought and scattered all over the world for Squall to find and Selphie to digitalize. Nowadays however, the just publish pornography and manga. This is where we pick up a copy of Girl Next Door for Zone...

...and, of course, another Timber Maniacs magazine.

Let's hit up J. Jonah Jameson over there for some info. I'm sure we won't regret it.

Oh man, you're looking around? Is there anything you want to know?

Tell me about Timber Maniacs.

Ok. Well as you know, the name of the company is Timber Maniacs. We are a publisher that was established 20 years ago. We used to publish a magazine called Tim Mani.

Tim Mani?

Short for Timber Maniacs. It was a compilation of freelance writing; letters, reports, etc... The majority of fans wanted to become journalists. I joined the company because I wanted to become the editor of Tim Mani. But times have changed. Now the only things that sell are books like the battle series. It's so sad. I've lost my will to work here.

(This is so typical. Adults reminiscing and talking on and on about the things they couldn't do or didn't do. ...I hate it.)

Well, that wen't well. Let's try another topic.

Dreams, what?

Dude, why would you ask him about a dream?

Why wouldn't I? Actually, it was too realistic to be just a dream. My friends had a similar experience too.

Yeah! Dreams are really strange! Why, this morning I dreamt that...

Excellent question.

(Now he won't shut up about his dreams; this morning's dream, yesterday's dream, childhood dreams... Big mistake.)

Wow, that went even weller! Let's try talking to him one more time before moving on to something more constructive.

Also we get paid now so we have 12000 more dollars in our pockets now. It'd be cool if I could buy something useful with it. Like an umbrella that is also a gun. Like Danny DeVito in Tim Burton's Batman 2 movie with Michelle Pfeiffer starring as hot caucasian catwoman. Umbrellas are awesome when they transform into swords or guns, but a gun wouldn't be nearly as awesome if it transformed into an umbrella. Does that seem right to you? Also penguins can't fly and that makes me sad. Someone should give them their own airplane.

What can you tell me about this Timber shit?

I don't care.

Great, well I'm outta here.

But let me tell you, when I was young it wasn't like this!

Oh boy.

Back then, we were in the middle of a war against the sorceress. So I kept writing letters to Timber Maniacs stressing how meaningless the war was.

Yes, having a ruthless magic woman enslave the entire world is much better.

That's what I thought! Because I was really happy, even though there was a war going on. It gave me hope about the future.

That doesn't make any sense.

Well, things were just different back then.

Did intelligence exist when you were young?

What are you saying, young lady?

It was different back then. Those were the good old times. It was great to be young. Look at all the young people these days. They're all so lazy. I don't know what they're thinking...

(Just another stupid story by a boring adult. This guy needs to grow up.)

Hey!

Read my mind, did you?

I want pictures! Pictures of Laguna!

We're done. Let's head over to the pub. According to the map the TV station is just beyond.

BUT ON OUR WAY TO THE PUB WE STUMBLE UPON GALBADIAN SOLDIERS TEARING UP THE PLACE!!

Oh no, they've robbed some poor country bumpkin! What are we gonna do about that, Squall?

We'll see in a week or so. I'm tired of all this running around.

But..

To be continued.

Oh well.


TO BE CONTINUED!

 

[Vaarna_Aarne]

Well then, time to download more scans...

 

[Radisshu]

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE

 

[GarfunkeL]

Ha! Take that, G-men tearing up the place!

My god this shit stinks.

 

[spekkio]

Patrick Swayze is pleased with this update (wherever he is ATM):

If you know what I mean...

Damn, I will have to LP a good japanese game to make up for the damage that reading this LP made to my brain. It really brings some painful memories from the cVGS-era...

NVM, ghostdog is LP-ing a good japanese game, so there's no need...

Great writing as always Horsie, see you around, hopefully before 2011...

 

[Andyman Messiah]

I am constantly amazed people are reading this. Even if you're doing it in a ironic kinda way, it's still stupid. The Codex is fucking stupid.

I hate.

And Patrick is most definitely in heaven.

 

[spekkio]

We're re-experiencing the classics in your LPs.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

I hate.

 

[good little toastboy]

I hate.

therefore we are?

 

[Andyman Messiah]

And you as well.

 

[Lockkaliber]

bump for hate!

 

[Crooked Bee]

Nothing like a good bump to stimulate the Horsie.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Duly noted.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Update 14: TV time at the TV station

Welcome back, all three faithful readers. Last time we explored the everloving hell outta Timber. We ended the update right in front of two evil galbadian soldiers currently doing their very best at tearing up the town by stealing pokemon cards from pub goers!

No, really. That's exactly what they were doing.

I'm sure it will come in handy in just a few seconds. They did say they had stolen it from some poor out-of-towner, right? Maybe he's currently drunk and crying and blocking the only way leading to the TV station? Maybe. Well, most definitely. Pokemon cards are serious business.

WAAAHHH!!! SOMEONE STOLE MY CATERPILLAR CARD!!

Everything's jacked up because the resistance tried to kidnap the president. Thanks to them, the trains have stopped... There's Galbadian soldiers all over the place... …...All because of them!!! Don't they understand I'm the one suffering from their reckless actions!? Stupid, bonehead, good-for-nothing resistance! You can just kiss my...

Hey!

Pshhh...

Hey, asshole, we need to get through.

Geez, and now I'm getting dissed by some punk....!? Owner, gimme another drink!

We have the means to eviscerate your penis and leave you bleeding in the sunlight.

I already got my penis cut off. I'm not allowed to reproduce for safety reasons.

My vagina feels safer knowing this.

Whatever. You lost your fucking pokemon card, right? Here you go, you fucking baby.

Holy crap, why do you have my precious card?

….Found it outside. In the pocket of a dead galbadian soldier.

Cool. Thanks. Hey, you know what, punk? I'm feeling generous so you can keep that card!

Why?

And you can take my other precious card as well!

Why?

Welp! A job well done! On the way to the TV station, our heroes stop to look at a creepy, noisy screen.

If you look carefully you can make out a creepy warning that some creepy fucker might be coming back to creepily wreck shit up. It doesn't matter either way since this boss isn't even a footnote in the game's plot unless you count lore in which case fuck you.

This noise is broadcast over most of the frequencies. Something has to be done about this before they can broadcast it over the air.

Right on!

Too many guards now, so we won't be able to storm the place, sir!

So we can't just rush in...

That's... exactly what he said, you dumb broad.

We've gotta come up with a new plan now!

Hold up, you cunty cunt. The initial plan which you and your two manservants came up with after five seconds of brainstorming on the floor of a train was to storm the TV station with only three people. The TV station where the President of the ONLY KNOWN REAL COUNTRY IN THE WORLD was going to be at. And now that you're realizing that it most likely is surrounded by galbadian elite forces, and we're standing just outside, you want us to come up with A NEW PLAN?

Well, alright then. Let's do this. It's going to be awesome.

If the president leaves, maybe the guards will be gone, too? That's when we do OUR broadcast. It might not be as influental but it's better than nothing, right?

Sure.

We don't stand a chance if we take 'em head on, right?

Don't worry about me.

Or me!

Shut up, stupid. I'll fight your enemies based on your decision, Rinoa. No matter how retarded, that's my duty.

My duty too!

You really act on my decision? That's your duty? … How sad... Oh what an easy life it must be, just to follow orders...

Call it what you want. All we want is for you to achieve your goal using our help.

Oh snap exclamation mark.

W-What did you say!? If you have something to say, just say it!

Oh, I'll tell you! Are you fucking kidding? How serious are you assholes really? The three of you plop down on the floor to discuss strategy? On top of that, you can't even make a decision without my input, right? How do you think I feel, working for such an organization?

Dude, you're being a little too hard.

I haven't even warmed up yet.

You know...

In before “just like this LP, HAHAHAHAHA!!”

I thought everything would work out fine once SeeD came to help us. But I guess it's not that easy. You were all hired. It's not like you're one of us.

I wouldn't call that a problem. I very much enjoy not being a stupid motherfucker.

For once.

As a feminist I believe a woman can take a punch just as well as a man.

Asshole.

Alright, fine by me.

You must think this is all a game for us.

Yeah, I loved your miniature trains.

Well, it's not a game! We're serious. So serious... it hurts...

Yes, let's instantly forget about the crying girl who just ran past you.

Oh, did she forget her diapers or something?

…

Kill him later, Selphie.

Cool! Fatboys in Heat 8! I haven't seen this one yet!

Quiet, here comes the president.

Oh, I bet he does.

He's big one, isn't he?

We the people of this world have the power to end all wars. Which is why I brought half my army to harass and kill you. But that's just a little lighthearted fun. Hehe...

See?! See?! It IS a peace proposal!

…

Yeah, suck my dick and fondle my titties, bitches!

OH HELL YES!

Don't forget that the plot twist of this game is that we're all siblings.

I've always felt a connection...

Shut up.

Unfortunately, there are some trifling problems standing between Galbadia and other nations that must be resolved.

At this time, allow me to introduce the ambassador who will be my representative for the conference; the Sorceress.

The Sorceress?

SUDDENLY!

Hot damn! Looks like they sent us some backup!

I don't think Seifer's here for our sake.

I think it's another one of his...

… Nervous breakdowns.

He killed the camera dude!

I'm about to have a nervous breakdown, my head really hurts...

Yeah, well, keep it under control, hippie. This shit just got interesting.

Stay back! Stay back, dammit! You're only going to provoke him!

Squall, we gotta do something, man!

No, we don't. Our job is only to assist the Timber Owls. Seifer's rapidly diminishing mental health has nothing to do with us.

Timber Team! Are you watching?!

Oh fuck.

You HAVE permission, get over here now!!

Squall!

Permission and orders are two totally different things, and, if you recall, we're not taking orders from ex-instructor Quistis Trepe anymore.

Goddammit, Squall!

No.

But thou must!

…fine.

And so our heroes get to the studio. Note that the galbadian soldiers seem to have left their president in Seifer's care.

What do you think you're doing?

It's obvious, ain't it!? What are you planning to do with this guy?

Planning to do?

FACEPALM!

I get it! You're Rinoa's...

Shut your damn mouth, chicken-wuss!

!!!

He broke out of the disciplinary room, injuring many in the process.

YOU STUPID IDIOT!

[Intelligence] I see... So you're all from Garden.

Shit you not, that's the way it goes.

[Counter-Intelligence] Which Garden, though? (Sigh.)

By the way, it's fascinating to see how fucking enthralled Selphie is by the sight of all the kewl teevee equipment while all of this is going on. Fascinating I tell you! Zell has basically doomed the entire Balamb continent by revealing the secret operation to President Evil.

Should anything happen to me, the entire Galbadian military will undoubtedly crush Garden.

Yeah, if the cameras were still working or you still had guards in the room, you dumb little shit.

….oh. Shit.

Yeah, but we'll cut you some slack this time. Seeing as it's almost christmas.

Oh thank you, thank you! I promise I won't waste anything less than my finest nuclear weapons on your pathetic little school.

Don't worry about it.

After him, gang! I think he ran to the poorly lit room with all the smoke machines!

Stay away from me!

Such a confused little boy. Are you going to step forward? Retreat? You have to decide.

Stay back!

Paralysis!

The boy in you is telling you to come. The adult in you is telling you to back off. You can't make up your mind. You don't know the right answer. You want help, don't you? You want to be saved from this predicament.

Shut up!

Don't be ashamed to ask for help. Besides, you're only a little boy.

I'm not... Stop calling me a boy!

You don't want to be a little boy anymore?

I am not a BOY!

Paralightning bolt!

And he's gone. Great. Well, at least we saved the evil president. Maybe now Age of Decadence will finally be released? Maybe not. Who cares anyway? It's not like it'll have lightsabers. Fucking shit game. Doesn't Vince know every good game needs to have lightsabers? What an idiot.

And speaking of idiots! (And very well made transitions!)

Where's Seifer?

He went to have sex with some gothed up milf or something. I dunno.

He'll be okay, right?

Gee, Rinoa, I don't know. I hear life's never really quite the same once you stick your cock in a vagina.

I have a vagina.

So do Zell.

What?!


What?!

To be continued! In the next exciting update we get the fuck outta Timber and Squall throws his first (of many to come) hissy fit! It might be awesome. Only tell will tell.

 

[Crooked Bee]

Hah, it worked.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

True story, I had the update ready to post when I saw the bumps. Decided to wait a little while.

 

[Crooked Bee]

On a more serious note, this is as good as an LP can get. Heck, even better. True story.

 

[ghostdog]

Good job, horsie ! With your subtle additions, story and conversations are actually starting to make some sense !

I truly think FF8 was meant to be some wacky surreal comedy like The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, or something. Or maybe it was just meant to be shit, we'll never really know.