This FF8 LP is totally dead.

[spekkio]

Holy fuck!
An actual update in FF8 thread? We should celebrate:

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Was there really any doubt? I don't abandon my threads, I just leave them hanging occasionally.

 

[laclongquan]

Blueballs are frankly a terrible condition.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Blueballs are frankly a terrible condition.

Not quite as terrible as noballs, though I suppose you don't have to worry about blueballs then.

 

[ghostdog]

Fireballs are definitely a worse condition than blueballs though.

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Fireballs are definitely a worse condition than blueballs though.

I don't know about that. I mean, in order to get fireballs you need to have actually stuck your dick into something and, likely, unloaded.

 

[Der_Unbekannte]

great update. Keep fighting the good fight!

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Update 11: Even more fucking shit

Last update we dreamt about a confederacy of dumbasses. Now we're going to meet an even dumber confederacy of dumbasses. It's going to be brilliant. Let's do it!

Oh, the forests of Timber sure have changed!

We're SeeDs on a mission to help retarded freedom fighters overthrow some equally retarded dictator or something. Don't waste our fucking time.

Welcome to Timber, sir. Come with me, sir.

Meet Watts. He's very polite.

I hope Kiefer Sutherland drops by and murders him to death.

Also sudden scanlines appearance. This was when my computer died.

Meet the Forest Owls' moving base of operations. Looks like shit but the inside is even worse.

No, we're galbadian agents here to shut down your little operation. Senor Cockface here will handle any pets you might have.

Uh...

That was a joke.

Oh! ...ahahaha..

It wasn't a very funny joke. Why are you laughing?

Uh...

I'm Squall, the squad leader. This is Selphie. Zell you already know. If you got any pets he can still take care of them.

We don't know each other well enough for that, buddy.

Uh, okay.

So let's get on with it. What do we do?

Hey, man, just take it easy. Here, let me introduce you. This is Watts.

And he's Zone, sir!

Well, that was fast!

….

Oh! Right! The princess! Where's the princess, Watts?

Ah, man... Sorry, Squall, but could you like do us a quick favor and get the princess? She should be in her room. It's the LAST ROOM. If you fail at navigating a straight line you can always ask some of our hired goons. They're in the NEXT TO LAST ROOM.

Don't worry, sir, there's only two rooms in that entire hallway.

….Were we hired to run errands? Well?

A-Are you angry?

It's kind of strange that this is the first use of the facepalm of the game (or at least the first noticeable), but then again I suppose we haven't really come across stupidity on a level like this before.

Zone's thing is that his stomach acts up whenever he feels threatened, pretty much the same deal as with Laguna's penis. It's extremely funny. Come find me and watch me laugh my ass off.

CARDS: Watts is the proud owner of the Useless Dog card. Wrestle him for it as it's not nearly as useless as the dog itself.

Whatever, we head all the way to the end of the hallway and enter the princess's room.

...oh god no please...

So... does that mean... You're a SeeD!?

No, I'm a Galbadian-- eh fuck it, yes, I'm a SeeD. My name is Squall, the squad leader.

It's just that I'm so happy! I've been sending requests to Garden forever, but nothing... I'm so glad I spoke to Cid directly!

I knew it!

Huh?

WHORE!

Come on, Tifa, we're in the wrong game.

WHOOOORE!!! “SPOKE TO CID” MY ASS, YOU FUCKING WHORE!!

I'm sorry about this, Squall.

Wanna trade bitches?

Hahaha, fuck no!

Worth a shot. So, uh... you were looking for Cid at the party then?

Well... you know Seifer?

Yes..?

Well, he's the one who introduced me to Cid.

YOU DIRTY FUCKIN--

We're leaving!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!!!!!!!

...I'm no whore. Why is she calling me that?

Who knows? Maybe she's working for Spoony?

Who's Spoony?

My official cosplayer. He's got issues. Forget about him. So, you met Cid?

I really didn't think SeeD would come out to help a measly little group like us.

You're right, we wouldn't.

But after explaining our situation to him, Cid gave the go ahead right away! And now that you guys are here, we'll be able to carry out all kinds of plans!

…................looking forward to it.

You're looking a bit pale.

Oh, no, I'm just...... so goshdarned happy to be here!

Oh cool!

Yeah, so we should get back to the others, though. You know, set all these cool plans into motion and shit!

Alright. Yeah, we should. Uh...

What?

Who? Cid?

Seifer.

…. No, he's not a SeeD.

Oh. Alright then.

And after this awkvard piece of dialogue, Rinoa realizes that she probably should tell Squall her name.

Oh, I almost forgot! I'm Rinoa. Very pleased to meet you.

And even though we've tried to get out of here two times now.

SeeD members dance quite well, don't they?

Approach your target inconspiciously at a dance party... There may be missions requiring this sort of subterfuge. It's expected of SeeDs to learn various skills.

WHAT SUBTERFUGE?! WHAT APPROACH?! GODDAMNIT, SQUALL, YOU DIDN'T DO SHIT! FUCK YOU, SQUALL! (I still love you.)

Ohhh.... So it's work related. That's too bad.

A dog appears.

Partner? ...whatever. His name is Angelo. I probably should have named him Dogmeat but... meh. Contrary to what Rinoa is about to explain he's not hot shit at all. He can learn abilities from Pet Pals magazines. They're not worth giving a hoot about, but it's really easy to level him up so we'll do it anyway for the sake of nothing in particular.

Third time's the charm. Let's successfully leave the room. Don't forget the Pet Pals magazine on the bed.

Angelo is all like “You bitch, how dare you leave me here all alone?!” Well, fuck you, Angelo. She's my partner now if you get my drift.

This is Zell. He punches things. And this is Selphie. She... nunch-nuchak—fuck it, her favorite Turtle was Michelangelo.

I nunchuks things!

Whatever. That's my team. You can have them run errands or something while I take care of the important stuff.

Hi, everyone!

Heeeeey, isn't this that hottie you danced with, Squall?

Whoooooaaa...

Follow me, please.

What?

I wanted the first dance...

…

…

Is this going somewhere?

Apparently not, you fucking whore!

Oh dear.

This is a full-scale operation.

Where are the chairs?

We don't have any. Sorry. Anyway, our resistance, “The Forest Owls”, will be forever—

I'd like to sit down. What about that folding train couch thing? Is that a folding train couch thing? Can we unfold it?

No, it's glued to the wall. There's plenty of room on the floor. We will be forever known in the pages of Timber's independence! Exciting, huh?

Did someone free Timber from the tyranny of chairs or something?

….

….Can I sit on the boxes?

No.

What about the table?

We're using the table. Anyway...

Can't you just put away your toys for a second?

Look, it's the floor or nothing!

Was your mother sexually assaulted by a chair?

Give it up, Squall.

Touchy subject? I understand.

….

Oh hey, did I mention that Zone and Watts are YET ANOTHER COMIC RELIEF DUO? Well, they are so now you know.

He's a dictator, not a president. Not even popular in Galbadia, sir!

President Deling is taking a private train from the Galbadian capital. Our plan is to...

...blow it to smithereens with a rocket launcher!?

Ahh... not quite.

Well, get to the point then! Just tell us what to do!

Shall we begin?

We hadn't begun yet?

…You're going to be a real piece of work, aren't you?

A lot of women find that attractive. Gives them something to work with.

I don't think it's attractive.

Yes, you do.

In any case...

Model? What?

We can't afford computers and fancy powerpoint presentations so we had to go out and buy a model railroad set. We stayed up all night painting the little trains and setting up the railroad. Isn't it great?

I'm going to quit the Garden after this job.

Can I run away with you?

No.

Aww...

Wow, guys. Way to be professional!

Rocket launcher.

….

Well?

I am so fucking wet right now.

Hey, stop screwing around. This is a pretty complicated operation!

Only because you're making it complicated. But whatever, I'll listen. Go ahead with the briefing.

Thank you. Alright, right now we're just waiting outside Timber for the Deling Express. The Deling Express is made out of a locomotive...

We understand the concept of a train, Rinoa.

Be quiet and listen to me. First comes the locomotive, then the first escort.

Huh.

Did you get that? The first escort.

Sure.

Good. Then after the first escort, it's the president's car and then there's the second escort. Our plan is to steal the president's car. With the president inside it.

Whoaaaaaaaaaaa... how do we do that?

We have an exact copy of the president car. We're going to switch the two.

Whoaaaaaaaaaaa... how do we do that?

Whoaaaaaaaaaaa... can we do this?

According to the simulation that we ran it should only take 3 minutes to complete the operation. Piece of cake for a SeeD, right?

What fucking simulation?

Uuuuurhghgh.... my stomach...

Fine. 3 minutes it is, no sweat.

Don't worry. You have seven minutes total.

That's four too many.

Alright then, let's talk about the escorts. Go ahead, Watts.

Yes, sir. The guards have a sound sensor and a temperature sensor, sir. Any sound will trigger the sound sensor so you have to move very quietly, sir. The blue guard carry this sensor, sir. The temperature sensor will go off you remain stationary, sir. The guard in red will carry this sensor, sir.

Wow. That sounds like the most advanced security ever.

Don't worry, sir. We have a save point!

Shit your pants.

That's Zone's thing, sir.

Shit. Your pants.

Right away, sir.

Let's talk about how to uncouple the escort cars.

I have a question!

No, you do not! Consider yourself overruled. Again!

Go ahead, Squall.

How the fuck do we uncouple the trains cars?

We can't.

Instead, we'll have to tamper with the control system that manages the coupling. There's a control panel on the outside of every car. We have to enter several codes.

I got the codes, sir!

…

Rinoa got the codes, sir!

I'll be in charge of relaying the codes to you, Squall.

Can't I just take them now?

That would be difficult. I mean, how many arms do you have?

So what, are you going to shout the codes to me?

Yes.

….......................................RIGHT.

Squall, you'll slide down on the side of the train using a cable and enter the codes into the system. Now, listen up, each code is made up of numbers between 1 – 4 and has 4 digits. But the keypad won't have numbers. Instead, it'll have four buttons. Let's call them X, Triangle, Circle and Square.

You'll have to be quick and precise. You only have five seconds to enter each code.

I only need three. Besides, I have save states.

Cheater.

It's not cheating if it's convenient.

Whatever. Do you want to practice entering the codes?

No.

Alright then. That's the briefing. Whew, that wasn't so bad.

By the way... this model's nice but the president's car looks kinda shabby. Why is that?

Which one? You mean the one Rinoa did? The red?

Rinoa made that one?

Yeah, we bought everything else at the store.

Man, the paint job sucks.

…. yeah, it kinda does.

Oh shut up! I made it look like that on purpose. It represents my hatred towards Deling.

Hatred, eh? Yeah, right...

It's one of the..... UGLIEST things that I've seen in my life! You must really hate him.

So it's quickly decided that Squall, Rinoa, Zell and Selphie will handle the mission. Watts and Zone will stay inside and do what they do best:

Gathering info is my speciality, sir!

Uuuuurghhh... my stomach!

Oh humor, how absolutely non-existant you are in japanese rpgs.

Before we do the mission, let's read some newspaper clippings. There are four (or three and one final, as the game puts it). The newspaper is called Anarchist Monthly. It'll provide some information on our target, President Deling, as well as foreshadow a couple things.

[Anarchist Monthly] First Issue!!!

Galbadia's dictator, President Vinzer Deling Special! How does he stay in power!? We reveal his darkest secrets!!!

I thought it would make more sense to save the actual, you know, article rather than just the front page, but hey, the fuck do I know?

[Anarchist Monthly] 2nd Issue!

President Deling became the president after the second Sorceress War ended. To gain support quickly, he carried out the invasion of Timber. It was only a ploy to decorate an already corrupt man's immoral career... Our land Timber was brutally destroyed. Here began Vinzer Deling's road to dictatorship.

I'm pretty sure the translation team fucked up here. Second issue, my ass, it should be second page! Whatever, two more pages to go.

[Anarchist Monthly] 3rd Issue!

To imprison anti-government symphatizers, the D-District Prison was built in the desert south of Deling City. Millions were spent to build the facility. The threat of being sent to the prison intensified Deling's unpopularity. The prison began imprisoning Galbadian anti-government symphatizers just as they did in Timber. Moreover, the leaders of the resistance movement faced the threat of having family members imprisoned as well. Around this time, Deling began surrounding himself only with loyalists, which turned him into an even more fierce dictator.

Sure. Whatever.

Also I guess it's not “Galbadia City” as I said in the previous update. Whatever, DELING CITY. Whatever.

Last one.

[Anarchist Monthly] Final Issue!!!

With the exception of Esthar, the Galbadian Military possesses the world's only long-range missiles. Although never used in combat, their existense has become a worldwide threat. It is said that the missiles have the ability to hit any target with astounding accuracy even without using radio signals. Will the time come for the president to push the button!? When the time comes, Ti...

The print is blurred on the last part.

I guess we better hope that button stays unpushed then. I'd definitely hate for a covert operation where we'd have to infiltrate a missile base and sabotage the fuck out of it. Yup, I'd definitely hate that.

Also: Esthar. Yup.

Well, one operation at a time. Let's do this train job thing. I'm sure it's going to be an exciting job.


TO BE CONTINUED!!

 

[spekkio]

Damn. You made me remember how totally awesome FF8 was.
Totally super awesome...

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Wanna trade LPs?

 

[spekkio]

I don't think I'm worthy of such honor.
With FF8 being not only the best FF game, but also one of the best games evar made...

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Oh well, worth a shot.

 

[Elhoim]

Cool update! So in the next one you are going to kill VD?

 

[Ermm]

Cool update! So in the next one you are going to kill VD?

You're in for a unpredictable plot twist hehe

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Cool update! So in the next one you are going to kill VD?

Well, we like to call it a kidnapping if anyone's asking, but yes, VD's vile dicktoting days will soon be over. You'd better prepare for sweet release, Elhoim, cause It's coming!

Oh, and while I'm in the thread, I totally forgot to mention that not only have they created a more or less exact replica of the train car the president is riding in, they have also made a fucking realdoll of the president which they're going to fool everyone with! We're going to see just exactly how well things work out in just a day or so. It's going to be... shit, I don't know what it's going to be. There'll be a lot of sitting on the floor, I can tell you that.

 

[ghostdog]

Oh humor, how absolutely non-existant you are in japan ese rpgs .

Fixed.


except for some very rare occasions, that is.

 

[Elhoim]

You'd better prepare for sweet release, Elhoim, cause It's coming!

When? On thursday?

 

[Andyman Messiah]

You'd better prepare for sweet release, Elhoim, cause It's coming!

When? On thursday?

Thursdays are for losers.

Friday, motherfucker. I'm in love.

 

[Brother None]

That fucking train plan.

Man

That fucking plan

 

[Andyman Messiah]

Update 12: Even even more fucking shit

Last update nothing was actually accomplished. Now join Squall and his merry friends as they accomplish more nothing. It's the train job. First episode of famous sci-fi western tv show Firefly created by Buffy the Vampire Slayer only it's actually not. It's Final Fantasy 8. Let's do it.

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

We'll catch up with the 2nd escort soon. Let's get ready. We should time our jumps well after we catch up to them to save some time. From now we have exactly....... 5 minutes to complete the mission. Let's try to use every second!

Says the cunt who's going to take every opportunity to waste these “valuable” seconds with mindless bullshit.

We just lost ten seconds because Rinoa/Zell/Selphie teleported ahead of Squall and the game had to slowly pan to them all the way from Squall and then back to Squall.

Anyway, let's deal with this first guard post.

Strategy: hold left for three seconds.

We're now on the roof of Vinzer Dwellington's train car. The clock isn't ticking right now so let's see what VD's doing. We'll experience this scene through the eyes of a nameless galbadian guard who may or may not be Wedge but we don't know that for certain. Even so, it's going to be great. Let's do it.

You again... That's 27 times now. How many times do you plan to disturb me with that meaningless report?

Sir, I'm sorry, sir. But it's my duty, sir!

…... It's hard to believe that anyone would put up with this nonsense. I guess it's none of my business. Dismissed.

…...! Sir, yes, sir!

(How am I going to propose to her now? I'm gonna have to put it off again...)

Aww... We'll revisit poor nameless guard later (with a special appearance of his irritated sergeant who may or may not be Biggs but we don't know that for certain). Now it's time to uncouple the first car. We rejoin Squall and his incompetent doucheholes on the roof.

Like Watts said, there should be 2 guards on this car. Selphie and Zell, you guys keep an eye on the guards. Let us know early if you see them coming.

The red guard is closer. Squall, you might wanna keep an eye on him too. Ok, are you ready to enter the codes? You remember how to do it, right?

I'm a galbadian agent here to crack down on your shitty little group.

Alright then. You have to enter three codes to disable the circuit for this uncoupling. Ok, Squall. Get the cable ready.

At this point we have four and a half minutes left on the timer (Rinoa rounds this down to just four minutes, though). More than enough to deal with this bullshit. Let's do it.

As you can probably imagine, this is very easy and won't take long at all. Keep in mind though that Zell and Selphie's warnings are for real. Make sure you heed their warnings no matter how much you hate their guts. You won't be able to evade the guards while you're entering a code.

All in all, entering three codes and evading one guard patrol should take about thirty seconds.

So the train car is uncoupled...

The freedom fighter's mobile base moves in...

Connects to the train...

Connects to the train...

We now rejoin our nameless galbadian soldier who might be Wedge I dunno as he checks in on the president of Galbadia, Vinzer Dwellington.

We've secretly replaced his president with a doll. Let's see if he notices.

Nope.

The newspaper is really the most suspicious part. Never mind the hunched over statue thing he's got going. Whatever.

SUDDENLY!

The galbadian sergeant who might be Biggs comes in, because apparently the train fucking uncoupled and then another train coupled with them and now the president's car is a shoddy replica and also the president is a fucking doll but nobody knows this actually happened because this plan is just simply BRILLIANT!!

S-S-Sir aye aye.......YESSIR!

FACT: Actual line.

You! Nameless galbadian soldier! Don't just stand there! Get back to your post!

S-Sir, yessir! (There goes another paycheck. That's two in one day.)

Man, being a galbadian soldier must suck pretty fucking bad.

As another funny thing to do, the sergeant decides to head out of the room through the back (which should lead to the resistance base). Let's see if he notices anything strange.

(The interior looks different. Looks shabbier...... Maybe not.)

(What am I gonna do? No ring, and now no more candlelight dinner. I'm never gonna be able to be married.)

Candles have always been a sure sign of wealth. And vampirism.

I think there are two guards on this car too. Zell and Selphie are up ahead, working on uncoupling our train from theirs. So you're on your own this time.

Good.

Do you still remember how to enter the codes?

I AM A GALBADIAN AG--

Alright, alright! Sorry!

I wish I could go double agent.

Don't we all.

Five codes and no help from Zellphie this time so watch out. Three minutes left according to Rinoa but she has no sense for seconds. It's four minutes.

Only thing I should say about this is that Square assholed the guards up a bit. This time they'll make a quick surprise patrol just seconds after the normal patrol so it's not a good idea to be greedy. Even if you only have time to enter one code and pull yourself up before the guards find you, four minutes is still more than enough. Also this is still as easy as shit.

Notice the “0230” on the train car? That's about how much time you should have left.

So we uncouple our train from theirs...

… and ride off with our newly acquired dictator of Galbadia.

And our SeeD rank goes up by one since we superbly avoided detection. How much time you have left doesn't actually affect anything. Isn't that just great? We're done with the Timber Mission, folks. Now let's have a stern talking to with Evil President Vinzer Dwellington! What's our plan, Blue?

Well...

Leave the intelligence to me, sir!

OH NO I SHIT MY PANTS!!

…. Squall, tell me when you're ready to go. As soon as you're ready, I'll begin 'serious negotiations' with the president!

Everything about Timber is just one huge fucking facepalm. Well, the sooner we're done with this shit the sooner we're done with this shit. Let's go have 'serious negotiations' with the president!

As long as you... don't resist, you won't get hurt.

And if I do resist... What would you do...? ...Young lady?

What's wrong?

Boo-hoo... Too bad... I'm not the president. I'm what they call... a body double.

WHAT A SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS!!

All these rumors about the many resistance groups in Timber... You pass along a little information and they fall for it... How pathetic... Seems like there are only amateurs around here.

Ama... teurs?!

He certainly got you there, Rinoa.

Ahh... My butt hurts from all this sitting... Young...LADY... Ahh.... So what did you have in stORE for me had I resiSTED...? Why doN'T you teLL mE...

Alright, a boss fight.

Would you buy a computer game from this man? Let's try hitting him with our sword.

Alright, he's dead! Awesome! Well then, let's- oh what now?

Right. Well, let's try hitting him with the sword again.

And so:

Man, I can't believe the president was a fake!

Yeah, man, that shit came outta fucking nowhere!

I can't believe we fell for it!

You'd have to be smart like Volourn to figure a twist like that out! Man!

Info, sir! I got new info, sir!

UH OH! What diabolical dictating thingies is Evil President Vinzer Dwellington planning now?! Find out in the next floor sittingly exciting episode of Let's facepalm our way through Final Fantasy 8!

 

[spekkio]

ZOMG, an update!

This LP clearly shows that FF8 was one of the first beacons of current JRPG-Decline.
Back in the day the genre was full of basic (and sometimes funny) linear-as-fuck Dragon Quest clones with plot being "young heroes saving the world - once again" 99.9% of the time.

Well, currently:

• over-the-top "artsy" visuals - check,
• irritating as fuck emo characters - check
• retarded AND easy mini games - check
• men looking like women, women looking like 12 year-olds dressed like whores - check
• faggy main character AND main villain - check
• battle systems devoid of any fun
• EXTREME haircuts and clothes

I salute you, Locue-kun for choosing such dangerous beast as your LP-target.
I mean: Vagrant Story - fuck yeah! Front Mission 3 - why not? Valkyrie Profile - haevan! Final Fantasy Tactics with animal-only party - exquisite!

But FF8...

*Forgot sth EXTREME

 

[Andyman Messiah]

 

[spekkio]

 

[SCO]

you've never played FFIX did you... pray that you don't...


BTW front mission 3 is moronic. I rage deleted it playing after front mission 1 (snes)

 

[spekkio]

you've never played FFIX did you... pray that you don't...

FF9 > FF8, n00b!

BTW front mission 1 has POPAMOLE wanzer-creation system. I amost rage deleted it playing after front mission 3

fixd, n00b!