Stevehammer 40k: Grimdark of the 3 Kingdoms

[laclongquan]

:rapemode:

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

6: Sango Steve

Spoiler

: Gao Shun! Deploy the ram!

: Ready to scale the walls general.

: Enemy is abandoning the walls!

: Almost through!

: Hold the line, dammit.

: Ladders won't stay in place! We're not able to climb up!

: Shi Difen! You traitor! You'll die here lah and the crows will feast on your fat, diabetic body!

: Gao Shun! Disregard the ram and charge through!

: Won't budge!

: Execute the ploy. Ambushers in Guan Yu's unit, reveal yourselves.

: Ambushers in Guan Yu's unit? Attack!

: Zhang Yan, what are you doing?

: SEND SOMEONE TO REIGN ZHANG YAN IN, THAT DUMB FUCK HAS DECIMATED GUAN'S UNIT. CHAO CHEEBYE.

: Mist?

: Sir, we can't see anything!

: Doesn't matter, charge through! Kill everything you see.

: Heal as many of the wounded as you can. Let's see if we can salvage anything.

: Alright, ready for another go.

: Kill your way to Jia Xu! Don't let him work his tricks!

: Zhang Fei has broken through! Rebels, time to die!

: We're in!

:...jialat. If Jia Xu tricks Zhang Fei into attacking Zhang Yan...

: I'll take care of him!

: He's pulling back!

: Jia Xu! Where are you going? Help me lah!

: He's taking cover behind Xu Rong!

: Commander! They are climbing down on your side!

: STEVE! YOU WORTHLESS FAT TRAITOR! HOW COULD YOU BE SO UNGRATEFUL AFTER I WAS SO GOOD TO YOU?

: Good to me? Everyone hates you, you delusional idiot. You treat people like machines.

: There he is!

: Pull back, we can't stand up to their cavalry.

: Ignore everything else, your mission is to break into the city.

: Xu You! Kill Shi Difen, kill him now!

: Jia Xu is fleeing to another unit, heading for the gate!

: I've blocked the stairs! Gao Shun, deploy the ram!

: He can scale the damn walls without using stairs, you dumbfuck! He's hitting my rear!

: Forgot about that. Zhang Yan, let's smash him.

Spoiler

: Nevermind, gate is down!

: HOW DID THEY TAKE THE GATES? WALAU, RETREAT INTO THE CITY!

: Han Ba, Kup Ju! Kill Shi Difen, do not let him escape under any circumstances!

: Game over Steve.

: Bring it, faggot.

: This fucker won't budge.

: Pull back, we'll try another approach.

: Gao Shun, go around the city. try to hit them from the flank. Zhang Fei, assist him!

: Fuck, they had a pit dug!

: Commander, we're breaking in!

: Let's fry this chink.

: I'm in! Zhang Fei, block Ju's exit! You men, deploy the ram!

: Got it!

: Hold on!

: Zhang Yan, assist Gao Shun!

: IT'S DOWN.

: Lord, we cannot hold on anymore! The Emperor has already fallen into their hands, we must pull out now!

: SHI DIFEEEEEEEEN. THIS ISN'T OVER. THIS IIIIIIIISN'T OOOOOOVEEEEER. YOU HEAR ME STEEEEEEVEEE?!

: See you later, boss.

: Your Majesty! You are liberated!

: Emm, yes. Thank you all, I suppose.

: Are you really planning to support the Emperor, commander? Seems unlik-

: Gao Shun, there are 3 ways you can act in this era. Support the Han, usurp the Han or support the Han outwardly whilst planning to usurp them.

: Ah, I see.

: None of this would have been possible without the actions of lord Shi Difen, your Majesty.

: I only wish to serve you to the best of my abilities, your Majesty.

: Erm yes, thank you. The court will remember your service.

: If you don't mind, I've a list of appointments I'd like you to consider.

 

[RK47]

sigh. Now we're stuck here with this Toddler.
I suppose you cannot even relocate the Emperor to another city.
Oh well, at least you prevented Cow Cow from triggering his supremacy.

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

sigh. Now we're stuck here with this Toddler.
I suppose you cannot even relocate the Emperor to another city.
Oh well, at least you prevented Cow Cow from triggering his supremacy.

If I overthrow him, Liu bei and the bros leave.

I can't have that. Not yet.

 

[Tigranes]

We all know that once you have a decent power base, like in all strat games, it becomes a blobby pushover. It would have been interesting to overthrow and have the Bros leave, but if not that, should have some other kind of larp'd road to ruin.

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

We all know that once you have a decent power base, like in all strat games, it becomes a blobby pushover. It would have been interesting to overthrow and have the Bros leave, but if not that, should have some other kind of larp'd road to ruin.

Spoiler

don't spoil please

 

[Tigranes]

Can't spoil if story not movin forward, lah

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

Currently busy, will update end of this week when some shit is done

 

[Tigranes]

The Dong is displeased with your progress, Jewboy

 

[laclongquan]

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

Spoiler

: We're hitting Li Jue before he can recover. We're not returning to Chang'an until his head is off.

: We're in!

: Zhang Zhi is pulling back, they're emptying the city. We captured Jia Xu in the confusion.

: How about it? Care to join us?

: Li Jue is like a sinking ship. I'll glady switch sides.

: Alright. Gao Shun! We pursue the enemy!

: Steve! You again!

: I've an imperial edict to fetch your head, boss. Nothing personal.

: Hah! You simply took control of the emperor lah! Kanina, u no better than I!

: Watch your mouth, traitor! Guan Yu is here for your head!

: Bah! Han Ba, Kuo Ju! Bring me Difen's head!

: We're on the walls!

: All forces, target Li Jue. We get him and this is over! Gao Shun, block the inner gate!

: Almost there! They can't see us in the mist!



A day of fighting later, Li Jue is captured. Along with some of his officers.

: I told you so.

: It is what it is m8. I'm not turning back, do what you have to do.

: Give him a grand burial.

: Steve! You traitor! After all I did for you and you betray me!

: Did what exactly? You treat everyone like they're your slaves. Giving them impossible job that you can't ownself then scolding them for being lazy.

: Look lah, lemme go lah and I-

: Off with his head-

: C'mon Steve we're old friends lah we know each other so-

: Take him away.

: Steeeeeve! You unfilial lah! I know your father I give you job, dun kill me lah, Steeeeeve-

: Quite a cleanup, commander.

: Did we get anyone else that's important?

: No, these are all. After Li's death, only Zhang Ji is powerful enough to rally his former subordinates.

: He'll probably use revenge as an excuse to keep fighting you, commander.

: *sigh* Nothing is ever easy. Return to Chang'an. We'll resupply and march against him.

: Your Majesty, I bring you the head of the traitor, Li Jue.

: Erm, excellent! You will be, uh, greatly rewarded for your services to the state!

: I've a further list of appointments I would like you to consider, your Majesty.

: More appointments?! And what is this, you recommend yourself for Prime Minister?! You overstep, general, this is-

: Zhang Yan.

: Here!

: Take this buffoon out and behead him.

: W-what? I'm a minister of the state, you can't-

: Prime Minister's orders pal. Off you go.

: Eeek! Mercy, your excellency, I was only-

*inane excuses continue as chink is dragged out*

: Ehh...t-the court accepts your recommendations, Prime Minister Shi Difen. May you serve loyally and-

: Thank you, your majesty.

: He lied to us!

: Just say the word, brother, and I'll-

: No, we have to be cautious. The army is under his control. Gao Shun and Zhang Yan remain loyal to him and he is now the Prime Minister of the nation.

: Yunchang is right, we can't do anything as we are now. Our best course of action is to flee east. Cao Cao was sensible enough and seemed to be the most loyal among the lords of the dong zhuo coalition.

: It is as you say. Let us sneak out and go to him when the opportunity permits.

 

[RK47]

Such a shame. I told you we gain no profit by being brave.
Time to cut losses and consolidate all earnings before making the next move.

 

[laclongquan]

Here come the new boss, same as old bosses~

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

SEASON FINALE:

STEVE

: Report! Guan Yu, Zhang Fei and Liu Bei have taken some legions and fled east!

: It was bound to happen once they realized that-

: LORD DIFEN! LORD DIFEN! BAD NEWS!

: Wha-

: Liu Zhang and Ma Teng are marching against us! 20 legions from the south, another 15 from the east! We are outnumbered on both fronts!

: Cao Cao won't be far behind. His armies dwarf ours. We must defend the passes-

: No. I will not fight.

: Prime Minister, this is no time for joking-

: I'm not joking. Empty every city of valuables, rations and order all elite forces to convene on Chang'an.

: This is-

: Remember-

: Fight like a coward.

: Win like one.

: It is what it is m8.

: I would like to make a withdrawal.

: O-of course, Prime Minister, how much will you-

: All of it.

: PRIME MINISTER! THE ECONOMY WILL CRASH, YOU-

: I don't care. Jia Xu!

: Here!

: Go to the market, sell all rations we cannot carry.

: At once!

: Sir, the people will starve to death! There will be famine, rebellions, the entirety of the west will crumble!

: Let it.

: Everyone set?

: Prime Minister, where are you going?

: I'm abandoning the city, your majesty.

: B-but what about the state, you swore to-

: I'm rich now, what do I care?

: Y-you...you...

: I should warn you before I go-I emptied every province under my control of money and supplies. Once the people realize there is nothing left to eat or barter with, they'll storm the palace. You'd best start running.

: Lord Difen, we are ready.

: Farewell, your majesty.

: We will cut through Cao Cao's lines and head to the southeast! Everyone who cannot catch up will be left behind!

 

[RK47]

Leave China, head to Singapore.
Open Bedlinen Company.

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

Spoiler

At Shi Difen's camp

: It's no good-Cao Cao's men fill the plains.

: Perhaps if we double back-

: No, impossible. The west is already ravaged by revolts.

: Is this it then?

: Everyone-thank you for your hard work. But I'm afraid this is it.

: Commander-

: Give every man triple pay and as much food as they can carry. Same goes to you. Take as much as you can and sneak out of the blockade.

: Thank you, commander.

: Been an honor sir.

: But what about you?

: I'll go down in Jing. Maybe become a traveling gourmand. Enjoy my wealth. I hear Ye has good pork.

: Until the next time, commander.

Hiring luxurious transportation, Steve begins to tour city by city.

Doujins were bought aplenty.

Meanwhile, Cao Cao seizes the emperor. Where the Komodo failed, the schemer succeeds.

Wars ravage the central plains but they are no longer the concern of our hero. A carefree existence is all that interests him now.

He is content.

: Got the manhua version?

: It's gonna cost you.

: I'll buy every copy.

Yuan Shao is now master of Hebei.

Old friends visit from time to time.

Life is good.

: You still alive?

: Cow took Zhang Ji's last city and killed everyone or so they say. Was out of that place long before that.

: Fuck China before China fucks you.

: Brought KFC.

Life is good.

: I hear you got married?

: Yeah. Yin Yin.

: That name. Such azn. Much kawaii.

: Almost as good as 2D lah.


------

: Steve, come here for a sec.

: What is it?

: There's someone I want you to meet.

: Lord Difen, greetings.

:...if it's about a threesome, you can forget it right now.

: Walau, be polite Steve! Your mother not teach you any manners that it?

: Whatever. Who are you anyway?

: My name is Yu Ba, I am an old friend of your father-in-law.

: He has something very important to tell you lah!

: Our lord Tao Qian has grown old and senile...and no capable successor can be found. Only lord Mi Zhu is capable but his position is weak, his supporters few-

: Want me to help you stage a coup that it?

: Tsk-no tact at all Steve!

: We're rich, why should we care?

: My lord only asks you to aid him financially. He will repay you 10 times over when he is-

: If.

: Walau! No ambition! All you want is start bedlinen company south! Not gonna be just a rich man's wife, Steve!

: *sigh* Fine. Tell Mi Zhu I'll fund him.

: Excellent. Rest assured, Tao Qian will fall soon.

: Thank you for your support, everyone. Under me, Xu province will be safe.

: You see Steve? Now he owe you big favor.


------------------------------------------------

: -and so I tell him: "All of it." Who cares if they starve as long as I'm rich-

: Walao, lord Difen come quick!

: What?

: Your wife givin birth lah!

: Cibai. Tell them to pack the pork knuckles, will be right there.

-----

: Wahh it's a boy.

: His name should be Shi Yu, like the-

: No, we'll call him Steve.

: *holds baby up* He's gonna fuck China one day.

 

[RK47]

Daddy can retire now with 800,000 gold.

 

[laclongquan]

A measly 800k? I hope you clean up all the market of goods?

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

A measly 800k? I hope you clean up all the market of goods?

Already did in Shi Difen's Grand Tour.

 

[laclongquan]

Sacrifice father to promote son huh~

 

[Tigranes]

If necessary son can wait till grandson and then everybody in China will have died paving way for conquest

 

[Tigranes]

(That actually happened in RTK2, so worrld conquest could be impossible if you had less surivving generals than number of provinces)

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

If necessary son can wait till grandson and then everybody in China will have died paving way for conquest

thats gay tho

 

[Corporate_Jew_Master]

Spoiler

: What are you waiting for, Steve! It's been months already, that Mi Zhu is waiting to hear from you!

: Walau eh, alright woman!

: Ah, Shi Difen! I have been waiting for you!

: Lord Mi Zhu, I am here to help.

: Of course, of course! I have not forgotten about your...support during my previous predicament. I will be glad to have you!

-------------

: HAHAHA! WHAT? Managing farming colonies? I was Prime Minister of the nation and Mi Zhu has me farming colonies?

: He wants to see your talent Steve! Wah, you know nothing that it?

: I'm already regretting this.

: Ah, good work Difen! If this keeps up we'll have no more food shortages in Xiapi.

: Just doing what I can, lord.

Promotions.

In the west, Liu Yan dies.

The land there is ravaged. The populated is reduced by 2/3rds and the region is still wracked by revolt and famine events every 3 months. It will not recover soon. It may never do.

: Steve! That guy Yu Ba is here to see you again.

: Oh? What is it this time?

: He here for chit-chat. Remember Steve, connection are important! Quick, go see him liao.

: Great talking to you lord Difen. I'll be going now.

: Weird guy. Seems he doesn't like Mi Zhu as much as you'd expect.

: Wah! Thats good lah! Why should that nobody Mi Zhu be master of the province? Couldn't even do it without your help!

: Now is not the time for that.

: That comes later.

: Lord Difen! Bandits are approaching the city! I need you to accompany the punitive expedition.

: As you wish.


--------------------------------------

: Perfect time Steve! Now you can make sure he never returns to the city!

: Not now, Yin Yin. First you need a solid power base. Followers. Money. We've only the money right now.

: Fine. Let me get your armor then-

: Haha! What armor? Not even gonna leave the carriage.

----------------------------------------------------------------

: Alright, we're approaching the bandit army! Shi Difen, you have the vanguard.

: Of course.

: We're not gonna cut it like this. Begin Plan B. Send in the moles.

: Again! Plant the seeds of confusion.

: I-I can't believe it worked! Lord Difen is superhuman!

: Mop up the remains!

: Good. Now head for the rest.

: Roast the pork.

: W-what?

: Order the KFC.

: I don't get it...

: Burn them alive, numbnuts.

: Well done lord Difen! Taking on 16000 men by yourself! You're my Zhang Liang is what you are!

: It was nothing.


-----------------------------------------------------------

: Wah! Steve, you're back! How it go?

: Like Korean BBQ. Even brought little Steve a toy to play with.

: Wahh

: I also brought him a maid to go along with it.

: A maid? I don't understand-

: You don't, but he will, soon. You'll see.


-------------------------------------------

: Lord Difen, in recognition of your talents, I am appointing you as the prefect of Xiao Pei.

: I am unworthy of the honor, lord.

: I insist! There are none more capable for the task.

: In that case, I have no choice but to accept. Thank you.


--------------------------

: A palace! All my friends back home would be dead with envy if they knew!

: Meh. Not as big as I thought it'd be.

: It's a start, Steve.

: A pretty bad one. I have to go.

: What? Go where? But we just arrived-

: Now I have both money and a power base. Now I need the last and most important piece.

: An army?

: Talent.


-----------------------------------------------------

:...and you are?

: My name is Shi Difen. Perhaps you have heard of me-

: Komodo Difen?! The one who plunged the west into misery? You're no better than a common criminal-

: Am I? I had no choice but to act as I did. My main subordinates betrayed me as enemies closed all around me. It was either flee or condemn my men to their deaths.

: Even if that is the case...what do you want with me?

: I need capable men to help me restore the city of Xiao Pei. Out of all the men in the nation, none are said to be as strong as Zhao Yun.

: Very well. I will join you, for now.


===================================

: So you back in action now Steve?

: Got everything set lah. Now all I need is someone to drive this Mustang.

: Fuck China Before China Fucks You. I'm in.

============================================

And the development of Xiao Pei takes off.

: Lord Difen, we have begun drafting troops as you requested. Though I cannot see why-

: It will soon be revealed to you. In the meantime, could you help instruct me as to the best way to drill new recruits?

: Of course, it will be no problem.

----------------------------------------------

: Dad, why do birds fly all together?

: Because they are animals, son. They have no sense of individuality, just like chinks. And animals exist to be eaten by humans. You don't wanna be an animal, do you?

: No...

: Walau, Steve, he still a little kid! He already go to pen every morning to see pork being prepared, you gonna damage him more!

: Did he start molesting the maid with the sword I gave him yet?

: What- no!

: Then he still has a ways to go. Steve was not made in a single Bloodbowl session.

: Sometimes I just don't get you.

: I gotta go. The final preparations are being made.

: What? Why, what's happening?

: The boar is about to be let loose.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

: Lord Difen! Message from Mi Zhu! He has noticed your military buildup and orders you to march south!

:...and what do you think I should do, Yu Ba?

: Raise your banners and march east to Xia Pi instead. It's about time someone Xu Province had a governor worthy of the title.

: Great minds think alike. Return to Xia Pi. You will soon be needed.

------------------------------------

: Lord Difen, there are men at the gate asking to see you.

: Is there three of them?

: How did you-

: Let them in.

: Lord Difen!

: Commander!

: We are here, as promised.

: Gao Shun, Zhang Yan, Jia Xu. It is good to see you all again.

: Wouldn't miss this for anything sir.

: Lord Difen, what is going on-

: It's about Xu Province had a new master. A capable one, for a change.

: A rebellion?!

: Zhao Yun. Are the men ready?

: The armies are ready to march. But I am not convinced.

: Honor is cheaper than dirt in these days. My former subordinate did not understand that. And because of that, millions died and keep dying in the west.

: Your former subordinate?

: You can either follow in his footsteps and desert-I will not hold it against you, for the sake of friendship. But doing so will cause the millions in Xu Province to suffer the evils of war. Famine, riots, conscription. Mothers will lose their sons, sons their fathers and old men will die destitute. If that price is not steep enough, you may go.

:...

: Otherwise, go and prepare the legions.

: I will do as you command. *leaves*

: Zhang Yan.

: Here!

: If he leaves, kill him.

: Goes without saying, commander.

: Jia Xu! Draft the proclamation and send a man to Yu Ba in Xiapi.

: Already prepared, my lord.

: Han Ba will hold Xiao Pei. The rest of you, prepare to march.

 

[RK47]

M-maids?

Spoiler