In Progress Technological Slavery: Unabomberman 64

[Edward_R_Murrow]

On a faraway planet....

...shit was about to go down.

: Uhhhh, charge...I guess?

The hopping mad soldiers move out.

Meanwhile....

: Everything is going according to plan.

: So, we're just doing the same thing, right? Suck the planet dry and go on to the next one?

: Exactly. Soon the cube will be full, and this space station will be fully operational.

: So, we should probably start sucking, then?

: God, why do you have to say it like that? We're evil overlords now that we stole this OMNI-CUBE™, we need to speak a lot better than garden variety space punks.

: Whatever...you think that guy wants his cube back? Cause I'd be pretty pissed if a bunch of space punks stole my world-sucking super cube....

: Damnit, it's OMNI-CUBE™! OMNI-CUBE™! Not your garden variety cube. And it doesn't “suck”, it...well...it leeches a world's energy. Yes. Leeches.

: Okay, whatever, let's just fire the thing up and get on with it.

: Alright, it's started.

BLUE STUFF!

: Uh, we're, like, done and stuff.

: Excellent!

: So, uh, hey, um, what now?

: Same thing as last time right? We cut off a slice of the planet, chain it to the fortress, and get going?

: Uh, why are we doing that?

:....

:...

:....

:...it...well...it houses our shock troops!

: But couldn't we just house them in the space station?

: You want to share the station with a a couple hundred more people?

: I mean...it's pretty big....

: Come on, we're big time now! We do this grandiose shows of evil. It's what we do!

: Why couldn't you just say that?

: Ugh, you just don't get it do you? That attitude is exactly why I am supreme evil overlord, and you're just a regular evil overlord. Enough though, what's next.

: Well, we, um, like need another planet. The hyper cube-

: OMNI-CUBE™! How many times do I have to say it?

: Yeah, that. It needs another planet before it does...whatever it's supposed to do. I, like, looked at some graphs and charts, and I think...yeah, it needs another planet. Yeah.

: Good...bring up the galactic map!

: Uh...it's broken.

: Wait, let me turn it off, then on again. That usually works for the router, so it might work here.

:...

:....

: Got it!

: Hmmmmm....

: What the hell kind of planet is that?

: How's like, the, um, land all shaped like that?

: That planet can't be real. Somebody must have hacked our Space-Garmin™.

: No. I've heard legends of this planet.

: Really?

: Yes.

: Where?

: Well...in a men's bathroom I saw something scrawled on the wall. “For a booming good time call 1-234-567-8910 on Planet Bomber and ask for Shirley”. And it had a drawing similar to this planet's makeup.

: You're really going to go off that?

: Absolutely.

: I don't care anymore.

****

It was a dark day for Planet Bomber.

Invaders came from another world, bent on destruction.

: What is that?!

: By Ludd! The technocalypse came faster than I ever anticipated!

: They didn't listen. They never did. Oversocialized idiots, incapable of seeing the dangers unchecked technological “progress” brought.

: I guess it's time...

: Hey!

: Who are you?

: An entrepreneur.

: That didn't answer my question.

: I am Sirius, and I had a dream of the best satellite radio service the galaxy had ever known. But since Altair and his cronies blew up my home planet in some sort of heist, I've have been trailing them, looking for someone to help me fight them. Are you that someone?

: If it involves destroying that technological abomination, you can count me in.

: But what will you do?

: I'm good at destroying things. Blowing them up. Some call me...the Unabomberman.

: Then join me. I'll take you to the worlds attached to the station. Fight your way through those, and you can get into the space station to stop Altair.

: I just need a few things first.

: Very well.

: Marty, what do you think of him?

: I'm surprised you would ally so easily with a technologist.

: It's only temporary. There won't be any “satellite radio” on my watch.

: Hmmm. His alliance may be one of convenience as well. Be careful.

: NO! ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT!

: Hey, Freddie.

: He must be in one of his more Dionysian temperments. The syphilis been acting up?

: MY PISS BURNS LIKE YOUR VILLAGE LOLLOLOLOLOL!

: Scintillating.

: Stop being so apollonian, Heidi.

: You did not just call me that.

: Enough guys.

: Yeah, enough talk. I wanna go philosophize...with bombs! When do we do that, huh? When?

: Gimme a minute. Just gotta do one thing.

: Now. Now we blow things up.

 

[Azira]

 

[lightbane]

Bomberman? Oh well, it's still and better than Bioware shit.

 

[Hellraiser]

This is one of those LPs that will get additional views from the people working in ECHELON whether they like it or not.

 

[spekkio]

Nintendo 64 FTW!

 

[Cowboy Moment]

Truly .

 

[Kashmir Slippers]

I remember this game!

 

[Crooked Bee]

Übercool.

: I'm surprised you would ally so easily with a technologist.

 

[Edward_R_Murrow]

: This is the weakest link in their defense. You should attack it first.

Although you can take on any of the four hubs first, we're taking on the GAHHDEN first.

: Time to strike a blow against the technocracy.

: I'll drop you off here.

The spree of destruction has begun.

MORE POWAH!!!!!

: First blood. Burn you retarded retro-robot!

: How do you expect me to kick a bomb? And how are you speaking in pictures?

: That's the magic of satellite programming. Don't just make talk, DirecTalk™!

: This guy's nuts, right Marty? Freddie?

: Indeed.

: Yeah...kicking bombs. That sounds crazy. Crazy awesome!

: If we blow up, I'm blaming you.

: He kicks it and.......GOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!

: That green light....it beckons.

: What's going on here?

: What sort of machinery is this? What just happened?

: It looks like you had an out of body experience. That things were brought into light from a source other than your direct phenomenal experience.

: Dude, you just blew up some big ball. Don't worry. Whatever it is has three more left.

: You say I blew it up?

: Yep. Looks like it's attached to a forcefield of some sort.

: Then it's time to break more of these. Forcefield technology...used by those who hold the reigns to keep others out, try and insulate themselves from the societal decay imposed by industrial-technological society...

: It's all got to go.

: The only thing better than an explosive...is a bigger one!

: Hundreds of man-hours when into the construction of this bridge...one minute was all it took for me to destroy it. Technology is weak.

: Another light...

:...another busted forcefield generator.

: Curious. These out-of-body experiences seem to keep happening when important events are triggered. Quite curious, indeed.

: What a strange door.

: Technologists try to emulate nature in their work, trying to demonstrate some kind of connection to the natural world, to desperately convince themselves that they are not so far removed from it.

: Dinosaur...more like dinodoor AMIRITE!?

: Another one.

: And another out of body experience. Like we are in some sort of film, or such.

: Dude, you're busting more balls than a troupe of dominatrices.

: Last one.

: No technology can hold me back.

: That jewel just lept out, like it was longing to be freed from it's emerald prison.

: A red jewel that's jumping. There's a scrotal joke here...I just. Can't. Think.

: That symbol...

:...looks akin to the one on the fortress.

: WE GOT 'EM BY THE JEWELS!

: Did you have to make such a plebian attempt at humor?

: Dick joke quota. Just how it is, Heidi.

: Now for the next stage...in the war on the technocracy.

 

[Edward_R_Murrow]

Game is now 1/20 stages done. Well, actually 1/24 stages...but unless some people can find a save with 100 Gold Cards, I don't think we'll get to see the scret last world. I would try and get them all, but a few emulation glitches make it damn near impossible to get all the cards on some bosses. So if you find anything, lay it on me bros.

 

[Crooked Bee]

BOMB IT UP

 

[Hellraiser]

Technologists try to emulate nature in their work, trying to demonstrate some kind of connection to the natural world, to desperately convince themselves that they are not so far removed from it.

 

[Crooked Bee]

MOAR?