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Anime STEVE U SUCK AT BEJEWELED JUST LIKE FINDING GF IRL
- Thread starter RK47
- Start date
http://www.technologytell.com/gaming/141235/huniepop-review-not-safe-work-anything-else-really/
There comes a point in every person’s life when they look at the situation they’re in and think to themselves, “what the hell am I doing?” This revelation can strike any time: during a class for a useless degree, a waning relationship, a drug deal with a co-worker. My moment of clarity, if you will, hit me when I needed it most, in the midst of a frantic dash for three-jewel matches as I worked to build a lazily-drawn, not-anime girl’s o-meter.
It brought me back to reality, back from that dark place in the back of my head where I go when I need to retreat from the world’s ugliness. This happened just as the screen faded and the poor voice actress’ bored moans grew in volume and doused in effects. I was rewarded with yet another CG image of a naked woman in an inhuman pose, covered in fluids.
Yes, I’m reviewing an adult game. A match-three, adult game. A Kickstarted, match-three, adult game. A Kickstarted, match-three, adult game that received over $50 grand.
I play it for the puzzles, mom, I swear!
Here’s the deal: your character is a perpetually virginal loser. You’re so sexually hopeless you incur the wrath of the love goddess, and she sends an almost-naked, fairy lady to turn dates with women into a video game, because that’s your only skill. You’re actually so terrible at life, the fairy girl sees your case as a special challenge and goes the extra mile to make sure you get laid, and often. The projection in HuniePop’s (really bad, but who’s surprised?) writing is so thick you can cut it with a disapproving grimace.
With your new gamified romance powers, you get to stalk a group of women with your magic radar phone, and ask them invasive questions out of the blue, because that’s totally how approaching women works. You can also go out on date, which takes you to HuniePop’s pretend gimmick (I mean, seriously, there’s porn): the “puzzle stuff,” as HuniePop’s Kickstarter pitch so eloquently puts it.
P****le Quest
Here’s the part that almost sounds like a real game review, because there are at least $50,000 of people actually interested in HuniePop. It’s probably a safe bet not all of the cash came from the creative team’s families. So… puzzle stuff.
Behind all the cheese, sleaze, and blatant racism of HuniePop (seriously, it’s bad: like, there’s a Hispanic girl and you buy her cliche Mexican paraphernalia like maracas as gifts) is a match-three puzzle game. It’s literally the same as any other you can find on a mobile marketplace. Each color corresponds to a romance-y stat to appeal to the woman you’re dating, and each one of course has a favored and not-so-favored color. You have a limited move budget to clear each puzzle, and some broken heart pieces try to litter the board and screw you up.
Another piece type gives you points you can use to cash-in on gifts, which you unlock over the course of doing creepazoid things elsewhere in HuniePop. Most of them counteract the broken hearts is some way, but they can also clear a bunch of the same color piece or what have you. Generally, the frustrating part (and I can’t believe I’m writing about being frustrated by a low-rent porn puzzle game, but this is where I am in my relationship with video games right now) is that as you go on more dates, you have to get more and more points to win. You’re going to be focusing far more on making your moves count (and matching rare pieces to gain more moves) via combos than trying to waste moves on building points for fancy maneuvers.
Okay, phew. Anyway, even if you lose the puzzle, nothing bad actually happens to you. HuniePop is thoroughly dedicated to going all-out in weird wish-fulfillment land, so it’s more of a “dating sim as deranged pervert playground” type of experience than what you’d typically expect from the genre. Time passes, but there’s no end to it. You can royally bungle a date, but other than some brief disappointment your target’s (because let’s be real, that’s what the women in this game are: targets) opinion of you doesn’t change. It doesn’t matter what you say or how many times you screw up, you can eventually click your way into each and every girl’s pants, with sheer force of will.
Even better, simply choosing to speak with a character gives you points you can spend on your stats, because that’s how “deep RPG systems” work. These upgrades significantly boost your returns on matches, and all but entirely remove penalties from the broken heart pieces. Because there’s no actual time limit or any stakes at all, you can simply grind your stats up to maximum and have very little fear of a loss until much later in the game, if at all.
When Irony Attacks
So, here we are. HuniePop. A bland puzzle game that pretends to have depth, a dating sim you can’t lose that glorifies loserdom to an uncomfortable level and lame porn. Why bother? If you want anime porn, there’s plenty of visual novels or eroge or whatever out there featuring much less secondhand embarrassment. If you want a puzzle game, with gimmicks and depth, there’s like fifty better options out there. HuniePop is a lose-lose situation. It isn’t even worth much of a laugh, frankly. It’s just boring. Also, if you get it on Steam, it isn’t even porn anymore. HuniePop.
There comes a point in every person’s life when they look at the situation they’re in and think to themselves, “what the hell am I doing?” This revelation can strike any time: during a class for a useless degree, a waning relationship, a drug deal with a co-worker. My moment of clarity, if you will, hit me when I needed it most, in the midst of a frantic dash for three-jewel matches as I worked to build a lazily-drawn, not-anime girl’s o-meter.
It brought me back to reality, back from that dark place in the back of my head where I go when I need to retreat from the world’s ugliness. This happened just as the screen faded and the poor voice actress’ bored moans grew in volume and doused in effects. I was rewarded with yet another CG image of a naked woman in an inhuman pose, covered in fluids.
Yes, I’m reviewing an adult game. A match-three, adult game. A Kickstarted, match-three, adult game. A Kickstarted, match-three, adult game that received over $50 grand.
I play it for the puzzles, mom, I swear!
Here’s the deal: your character is a perpetually virginal loser. You’re so sexually hopeless you incur the wrath of the love goddess, and she sends an almost-naked, fairy lady to turn dates with women into a video game, because that’s your only skill. You’re actually so terrible at life, the fairy girl sees your case as a special challenge and goes the extra mile to make sure you get laid, and often. The projection in HuniePop’s (really bad, but who’s surprised?) writing is so thick you can cut it with a disapproving grimace.
With your new gamified romance powers, you get to stalk a group of women with your magic radar phone, and ask them invasive questions out of the blue, because that’s totally how approaching women works. You can also go out on date, which takes you to HuniePop’s pretend gimmick (I mean, seriously, there’s porn): the “puzzle stuff,” as HuniePop’s Kickstarter pitch so eloquently puts it.
P****le Quest
Here’s the part that almost sounds like a real game review, because there are at least $50,000 of people actually interested in HuniePop. It’s probably a safe bet not all of the cash came from the creative team’s families. So… puzzle stuff.
Behind all the cheese, sleaze, and blatant racism of HuniePop (seriously, it’s bad: like, there’s a Hispanic girl and you buy her cliche Mexican paraphernalia like maracas as gifts) is a match-three puzzle game. It’s literally the same as any other you can find on a mobile marketplace. Each color corresponds to a romance-y stat to appeal to the woman you’re dating, and each one of course has a favored and not-so-favored color. You have a limited move budget to clear each puzzle, and some broken heart pieces try to litter the board and screw you up.
Another piece type gives you points you can use to cash-in on gifts, which you unlock over the course of doing creepazoid things elsewhere in HuniePop. Most of them counteract the broken hearts is some way, but they can also clear a bunch of the same color piece or what have you. Generally, the frustrating part (and I can’t believe I’m writing about being frustrated by a low-rent porn puzzle game, but this is where I am in my relationship with video games right now) is that as you go on more dates, you have to get more and more points to win. You’re going to be focusing far more on making your moves count (and matching rare pieces to gain more moves) via combos than trying to waste moves on building points for fancy maneuvers.
Okay, phew. Anyway, even if you lose the puzzle, nothing bad actually happens to you. HuniePop is thoroughly dedicated to going all-out in weird wish-fulfillment land, so it’s more of a “dating sim as deranged pervert playground” type of experience than what you’d typically expect from the genre. Time passes, but there’s no end to it. You can royally bungle a date, but other than some brief disappointment your target’s (because let’s be real, that’s what the women in this game are: targets) opinion of you doesn’t change. It doesn’t matter what you say or how many times you screw up, you can eventually click your way into each and every girl’s pants, with sheer force of will.
Even better, simply choosing to speak with a character gives you points you can spend on your stats, because that’s how “deep RPG systems” work. These upgrades significantly boost your returns on matches, and all but entirely remove penalties from the broken heart pieces. Because there’s no actual time limit or any stakes at all, you can simply grind your stats up to maximum and have very little fear of a loss until much later in the game, if at all.
When Irony Attacks
So, here we are. HuniePop. A bland puzzle game that pretends to have depth, a dating sim you can’t lose that glorifies loserdom to an uncomfortable level and lame porn. Why bother? If you want anime porn, there’s plenty of visual novels or eroge or whatever out there featuring much less secondhand embarrassment. If you want a puzzle game, with gimmicks and depth, there’s like fifty better options out there. HuniePop is a lose-lose situation. It isn’t even worth much of a laugh, frankly. It’s just boring. Also, if you get it on Steam, it isn’t even porn anymore. HuniePop.
It's a good thing mine is the censored version of the game that can't be easily modded with the blessings of the dev-linked 0 KB file.
Fuck these assholes, I can't believe they DARED to do this. HEADS WILL ROLL!
Fuck these assholes, I can't believe they DARED to do this. HEADS WILL ROLL! 
oh look at this 15 year old taunting a 31 year old man.
fuck you kid, 1 on 1 CS:GO now. de_dust
laclongquan
Arcane
Idiott
Arcane
That song 
Idiott
Arcane
This is a porn VN, if Jessie has a daughter then it most likely doesn't complicate shit and only means you can fuck both of them. Probably at the same time.
Comrade Goby
Magister
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2011
- Messages
- 1,219
This game is pretty good
Hopefully there is a higher budget sequel. With a bit more effort this can turn into a very solid game for it's genre
Also Audrey best grll
Hopefully there is a higher budget sequel. With a bit more effort this can turn into a very solid game for it's genre
Also Audrey best grll
- Joined
- Jul 6, 2008
- Messages
- 11,370
Meta, right?
You should upgrade passion whenever you can, it's required to get high scores very quickly once you hit the 2000+ score-cap dates. Also, give the heart-marked gifts often to collect date gifts from Kyu, a good arsenal of these will be important. Buy the unique gifts every day for the permanent Hunie bonus, and always do a date even if you think you'll fail - you'll need the money for quick Hunie point gathering via gifts, drinks and food. The increased score cap is an acceptable trade-off in my opinion. Also, star-marked gifts are specific for the target you are talking to. Don't forget to get the goldfish gift when you see it and discard at an outside location (like the Beach) to unlock the catgirl.
During the puzzle matches, priority should normally be:
1) getting moves
2) getting sentiment (if you have gifts, ignore if you are out)
3) getting passion
4) target's preferred trait
5) everything else
6) target's disliked trait
I run a date gift deck with:
a) +1 sentiment for each passion match
b) Change all broken hearts to bell (+move)
c) Consume all bell tokens to get +1 move per token
d) Consume all tokens of a particular trait (depending on which target I'm going for)
The first one only costs 3 sentiment, so I can usually use it within 1-2 moves depending on the board layout. This allows me to build up sentiment quickly while raising passion at the same time. I save up enough sentiment to use b) and c) one after the other: this usually brings me back to about 15-20 moves left, with about 1/4 of the bar filled, and high passion. From there on it will be easy to finish normally. It's not 100% fool-proof since you can still get screwed over by board layout, but it's the tactic with the highest rate of success for me thus far.
During the puzzle matches, priority should normally be:
1) getting moves
2) getting sentiment (if you have gifts, ignore if you are out)
3) getting passion
4) target's preferred trait
5) everything else
6) target's disliked trait
I run a date gift deck with:
a) +1 sentiment for each passion match
b) Change all broken hearts to bell (+move)
c) Consume all bell tokens to get +1 move per token
d) Consume all tokens of a particular trait (depending on which target I'm going for)
The first one only costs 3 sentiment, so I can usually use it within 1-2 moves depending on the board layout. This allows me to build up sentiment quickly while raising passion at the same time. I save up enough sentiment to use b) and c) one after the other: this usually brings me back to about 15-20 moves left, with about 1/4 of the bar filled, and high passion. From there on it will be easy to finish normally. It's not 100% fool-proof since you can still get screwed over by board layout, but it's the tactic with the highest rate of success for me thus far.
- Joined
- Jul 6, 2008
- Messages
- 11,370
The guy is wrong, you can fuck the fairy after dating only one girl. There are also four postcard images, not two. And buying food allows you to maximize Hunie faster when you have them plied with alcohol, and you get more than enough money through dates so it's not a big deal.
Bitch please. What a skanky Hunien00b.
Bitch please. What a skanky Hunien00b.
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