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In Progress Odin demands blood! Let's revive the Viking Age in Crusader Kings 2!

Kayerts

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Messages
883
A city pays out in 100-250 months, depending on taxes and initial cost (anywhere from 700 to 1000, likely depending on the number of baronies already present in the county).

Oh, good catch. My 60-month figure was calculated for revenue-generating buildings, not the city holding itself. Cities themselves are substantially better investments, then, though starting capital is an issue.
 

newcomer

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I have about 1000/month with pretty much whole Europe under my control (and baronies retained as direct vassals whenever possible). I figure a claim forged now would cost, like, 10k.

:eek:
How about realm stability? Currently I played a game where all the western europe but Lotharinga is under my control + byzantium + arabia + abyssinia & few parts of egypt, but I haven't reached 100/month yet (well, quite a lot of them are recently conquered, but you get the point...). Won't your vassal constantly rebel? Do you tax your cities & temples harshly?
 

Vernydar

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I have about 1000/month with pretty much whole Europe under my control (and baronies retained as direct vassals whenever possible). I figure a claim forged now would cost, like, 10k.

If you do that kind of money, you MUST be taxing cities, temples and nobles. Quite a bit as well. Now the question does come, how many revolts do you have? Frankly I prefer stability, and always go with the standard taxes. I have maybe one revolt every 20 years. In my opinion, getting more revolts is not worth any amount of money.
 

newcomer

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If you do that kind of money, you MUST be taxing cities, temples and nobles. Quite a bit as well. Now the question does come, how many revolts do you have? Frankly I prefer stability, and always go with the standard taxes. I have maybe one revolt every 20 years. In my opinion, getting more revolts is not worth any amount of money.

Not to mention your crown authority & amount of direct vassals... is most, if not all, of your vassals are counts? What religion did you play & if catholic, do you actually micromanage every bishoporics? How about your levy?

For me, while my realm is sprawling from Iceland to Abyssinia (~1600 total baronies hold), there had been almost no revolt (it's like 1 direct vassal every 20-30 years) even during succession.
 

mondblut

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:eek:
How about realm stability? Currently I played a game where all the western europe but Lotharinga is under my control + byzantium + arabia + abyssinia & few parts of egypt, but I haven't reached 100/month yet (well, quite a lot of them are recently conquered, but you get the point...). Won't your vassal constantly rebel?

They would, but they are not my vassals ;) After I gave away all the royal titles, those silly dukes and counts don't bother me any longer, and the underkings are loyal so far. Every once in a while I get a 1% rebellion chance from some non-kingdom border count, and send him a basket of flowers. Then of course there are 26+ intrigue spymasters ever ready to do some weeding of the overly ambitious and envious.

Do you tax your cities & temples harshly?

Who doesn't? :D
 

newcomer

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:eek:
How about realm stability? Currently I played a game where all the western europe but Lotharinga is under my control + byzantium + arabia + abyssinia & few parts of egypt, but I haven't reached 100/month yet (well, quite a lot of them are recently conquered, but you get the point...). Won't your vassal constantly rebel?

They would, but they are not my vassals ;) After I gave away all the royal titles, those silly dukes and counts don't bother me any longer, and the underkings are loyal so far. Every once in a while I get a 1% rebellion chance from some non-kingdom border count, and send him a basket of flowers. Then of course there are 26+ intrigue spymasters ever ready to do some weeding of the overly ambitious and envious.

Do you tax your cities & temples harshly?

Who doesn't? :D

Ahh, smart move :D
Sadly I prefer to keep everything in the box, but your strategy is very smart I should say :D
Another disadvantage is we cannot build anything on that city / bishoporics because the county isn't ours...
 

Vernydar

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They would, but they are not my vassals ;) After I gave away all the royal titles, those silly dukes and counts don't bother me any longer, and the underkings are loyal so far. Every once in a while I get a 1% rebellion chance from some non-kingdom border count, and send him a basket of flowers. Then of course there are 26+ intrigue spymasters ever ready to do some weeding of the overly ambitious and envious.

Do you tax your cities & temples harshly?

Who doesn't? :D

I see. To be honest, I never do something like this. Not judging you or anything, but I find it an extremely cheesy strategy. Basically you rely on the fact you have almost no vassals, and on the HRE bonus, to avoid rebellions. A valid strategy, but it somehow makes the game trivial. It is basically metagaming.

If we want to be honest, it's also completely inaccurate hystorically. Apart from bohemia which was an elective kingdoms due to historic events, the emperor hold all the king titles. To be honest, I could not imagine an emperor wanting such big vasslas under him, too risky...

As for taxation, you could not do that if you did not hand away the kingdoms. You'd have too many rebellions and too little troops. Besides, I'm not really seeing the point in artificially inflating your income like this. You must have finished the buildings a long time ago, and you certainly do not need mercenaries at this point.

Personally, I stick with keeping all the kingdoms to myself, and taxation at normal levels. And I also only get empires through plain old conquest + usurp only. No cheesy elections with assassination or claims on the imperial title :P I feel that powergaming the acquisition of empires makes the game uninteresting :P

For that matter, I always play or convert to orthodox. No cheesy "here have an entire kingdom cause we're bored" crusades
 

newcomer

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Vernydar

But if you try doing that, I don't think you can handle the rebellions; Think about having your capital in byzantion / sicily & conquer iceland (+128% distance revolt), are you telling me that you'll be keeping the crown of norway? And don't give me answers of moving capital to somewhere nearer, assume you also have vassals at the other end of the map

About the crusades, then you'll despise my playing style of "I want that kingdom, let's break a truce and declare a war" jihads :D (~40 crowns within 100 years), which is possible because I play as a muslim caliph of my muslim sect
 

Vernydar

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In my current game I started in naples. The first kingdom I created IS the kingdom of Sicily. I moved my capital in palermo, because it's the biggest territory there, but it's pratically at the same place.

I am currently (year 1237) at 544 holdings and growing. No empires yet. Monthly income is about 70 right now,and I have just about everything build in my 15 territories (no, not in my sub territories, I am talking of my personal holdings. But I did build the important universities and church schools and such). I did not go to iceland yes, but I am currently at the south-eastern territories of arabia, which iirc is +98% revolt risk due to distance, and I am doing fine. There's almost no revolts at all except for newly conquered people, and that's with a king with diplomacy 9.

The keys to this are:
- Convert anyone you conquer (or better yet, put up a newly invited holy man there)
- Possibily, same culture as well (read above: invited holy man)
- make sure it's a de jure territory (be sure to create or usurp kingdoms as soon as possible)
- normal, starting taxation
- and most important, medium crown authority. I will say it again, medium crown authority. Anything above it is stupid and completely unnecessary. You gain nothing of real value and you get a huge hit to opinion

I am not sure about 128%, but 98% is more than possible this way. It works in my game just fine. You just have to keep the people's opinion up, which is not hard.

Am I playing in a non-optimal way? yes, absolutely. It's also quite hard.

Am I having fun? yes, most definitely so.

Once again I do not want to judge, I just find the game boring and uninteresting if I metagame it using "tactics" that would have been impossible and nonsensical in history. Like, mass assassination, crusades spam, giving away kingdoms, raising taxation to impossible levels because the game is scripted so that does not result in a revolt if I do some other things. In the real world all this would have NEVER worked :P
 

newcomer

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I agree that 98% is possible, but with 128% it's already on the border of "impossible unless imprisoned"

Let's see... Distance is -128% (my capital is LECCE, because it has legalism 3. Planning to move to THARCE)
DeJure +15%
Culture +15%
Religion +15%

So you have to keep opinion > 73 & never raise CA beyond medium
I expect that this kind of distance will not be manageable once I moved to byzantium

For me, I took a further step in my conquest; all dukes and above are from MY DYNASTY (or at least, I matrilineally marry them before they become a duke). Contrary to perhaps some of your expectations, it's much harder to manage, because the opinion bonus is nullified by primo succession & even elective succession will not please them. Worst of all, they have claims on each other's realm & inherit each other. Matrilineally married children are no better, because if such "wild branch of family" died (I used strict agnatic because I play muslim), the succession reverts to seniority..

And yeah, I too agree that in real world lots of these tactics are impossible. But I'm enjoying my game too :). I guess it works as long as we enjoy :). My goal is to create a unified europe, defined as only one independent country on the ledger screen :)

For taxing, I tax my vassal normally except that I enforce small feudal taxation, it's just too tempting to tax them once you have a very large empire, and they make something around one-third of my total income
 

Vernydar

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You are forgetting the bonuses from having good traits. I always raise my heir personally. And not only him, but also the 2-3 next in line. That way I can encourage them to get good traits and virtues that usually result in being much more liked.
 

newcomer

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You are forgetting the bonuses from having good traits. I always raise my heir personally. And not only him, but also the 2-3 next in line. That way I can encourage them to get good traits and virtues that usually result in being much more liked.

Me too. But that also requires you to raise the duke of iceland heir because it's useless if the bonus is countered by opposing 7 sins. Or at least, let a content person raise his kid. But I think good traits only give opinion boost, not revolt risk reduction?

Currently to solve this problem, the duke of iceland is also the duke of orkney (the islands above scotland) and I give him the most prosperous county on orkney, so the AI will not move his capital to iceland. The risk is somewhere around 80%+

And btw, the crown of norway is still on my hand; I have a policy of witnessing a heir from my dynasty from the king-to-be duke before handing over a kingdom to him (and if his wife dies first, then that duke will have an "accident" a few days later)
 
Self-Ejected

Ulminati

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Vernydar

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Yes, but I suppose they will make some sort of complete pack later on at an even lower price, comprising that update and the base game.
Anyway, due to the usual paragon-is-full-of-bugs-until-patches, I think I will wait some
 

Kayerts

Arcane
Joined
Jan 28, 2011
Messages
883
IX. I AM THE PAGAN LORD

1. Better to reign in hell . . .

Soundtrack

With the defeat of Denmark, the last of the Vikings' ancient enemies have been broken in battle. But in her victory, Maer has driven Valhalla into a collision course with Christendom. The Reich and Rus' are immobilized for now, busied with internicine strife. With these borders, though, war is not a question of if, but when.

In view of this, there is some question of what to do with our new Danish possessions. The Danegelding War (as it is now known) was glorious, but many of Maer's councillors urge against investing too much in the territorial spoils thereof, since their forward position makes them all but indefensible.

ck2_1440.jpg


Maer disagrees.

"Sjaelland belongs to us now, and so, we belong to it. If the Huns come, we will throw them back." She moves her court south to the city she has ordered built up, sitting on the island of Slotsholmen. The natives call it Kobenhavn.

To be clear here, moving the capital to Sjaelland is strategically a really bad idea. It's at the fringe our kingdom, and vassals' willingness to rebel increases with distance from the capital. Beyond that, it's on the doorstep of the most powerful Catholic state in the world. There is a very minor benefit in that having the capital in a province that your chief diviner is trying to convert means that you're likely to convert some heretic nobles as a side effect, but that's not why we're doing this. Maer is doing it to stick her girl-balls in Christendom's face.

2. Tears, such as angels weep, burst forth

The first thing Maer notices about her new realm is that the Norwegians are still fighting the Danes, even though doing so provides no further benefit to her. Do they not realize that the war ends when she says it does?

ck2_1431.jpg


Since the Viking army crushed the combined forces of Denmark--twice--and then seized the better half their kingdom, Danish prospects in this war look grim. There is only one gentle soul in all of Europe who can save them:

Champion of Denmark and Friend of All Peace-Loving Nations, Queen Maer! This reckless aggression against the innocent Danish people will not be tolerated!

ck2_1435.jpg


Maer organizes a nonviolent protest. Then she remembers that those don't work, so she moves on to a violent protest.

ck2_1436.jpg


After Maer speaks firm censure against the plague of Norwegian war-mongering, the duke of Trondelag stands abashed. How can he continue to participate in his king's villainy? He cannot; he converts to the cause of peace.

ck2_1438.jpg


And thus, Norway lies in pieces. King Christian II will have a difficult time keeping his own throne, much less taking Denmark's . . .

Rationale: Since the Danegelding War, neither of the other Scandinavian kingdoms can threaten us. We'd like to keep it that way. Two weak neighbors are preferable to one strong. Keeping the balance of power results in keeping the blood of Christ's faithful flowing from side to side.

Chaos shall reign over our enemies, and the Raven Banner shall be its standard. The blood of the bravest knights in the Christian North shall water Eketra's tree of life and death.

yggdrasil.jpg


yggdrasil2.jpg

3. Who overcomes by force hath overcome but half her foe.

The Guardian of the North said:
Pagans! Know that Europe has entered into a new age of enlightenment. Know that the time has finally come for the one true Queen In The North to take her place at the head of her people! Under our guidance, the pagan world will flourish, and all the people shall rejoice and pay homage to their new . . . Guardian!

Soundtrack

Now to how we will deal with more formidable foes. Our new position means we've committed ourselves to fighting Rus and the HRE until one of us drops. The only thing we can do is gather allies before the storm hits. Some we will harvest gently, others with scythes.

We don't know what schedule we're on, but we can be confident that it sucks. For that reason, if we want more men, our best bet is to back claimants to foreign pagan titles. Doing so will gain for us the full levy of any conquered territory, since the pretense of legitimacy means that our puppet claimants will not incur any conqueror's penalties. So this is a good time to finish the Pagan Unification Wars.

On that note, the one true and steadfast ally of Gungnir and Mjolnir was the tribe of the Zemigalians. Alas, the last scion of their high chief did not inherit the Norse alliance, and without our moral support, he has been driven out of the country by a foul usurper.

ck2_1434.jpg


In the name of our ancestors' friendship and the honor of House Eketra, we levy righteous war upon the Zemigalians to restore the trueborn chief.

We also pull a similar trick with the Kola Sami, because fuck the Kola Sami.

Neither war is very interesting; both tribes have only two counties against our thirty. The Zemigalians manage to put up a surprisingly decent fight, since their provinces are both pagan and well-developed. Some would call that brave; Maer calls it futile.

ck2_1443.jpg


The Kola Sami fare no better. The Kola Sami, incidentally, are the chuckleheads who thought it'd be funny to stab Warchief Thord in the back during the Swedish invasion, so right now Maer is paying all her ancestors' debts, as well as making good on her own promise of pagan unity.

While we're waiting for sieges to finish, the Norsemen keep busy.

ck2_1437.jpg


Dal converts to the worship of Tyr. We set up a warrior cult immediately; let them prove their faith in the God of Battles in the temple of war.

ck2_1447.jpg


And Kemi converts to the worship of Odin. We raise a second cult; let them offer sacrifices to the Master of the Slain on the slaying fields.

ck2_1453.jpg


And in Sjaelland, Maer has made an impression during her short stay. The county converts to the worship of Freyja, venerating her and the valkyries above all others. Soon there will be many slain to choose from . . .

The Valhallans have been fighting for most of Maer's reign. At this point, the Viking lords would follow her into Muspelheim if she wished war against Surtur. Alas, while Maer's speeches might move men, they cannot push coins into empty treasuries.

ck2_1445.jpg


ck2_1448.jpg


We're rich, and we could easily afford to pay the nobles. But why would we give them gold, when we have a queen with a silver tongue?

Maer also takes some time to redistribute Danish land to our faithful Norse champions. Check out House af Skara's boss flag:

ck2_1451.jpg


I'm pretty sure this is a consequence of the fucked up flags on this install, but how cool is that? The new lords of Bornholm will march under a reflected rebel flag.

ck2_1483.jpg


Also on the subject of oddities with redistribution, Maer comes across the delightfully named Bishop Glum of Lund. This doesn't stop her from booting him out of her kingdom and burning down his church and raising a temple to the Old Gods in its place, but she does brofist him on the way out. The girl shows respect.

Anyway, at long last, the Zemigalians surrender.

ck2_1454.jpg


Great! Now with the new High Chief Janis as our vassal, we

ck2_1455.jpg

This screenshot brought to you by the letters W, T, and F

Wait, what? We should've gained the two counties in Courland. Also, why is it called Courland now? What's going on?

Maer personally sails across the Baltic to have words with the Zemigalians, standing before the castle at Skaistkalne to demand an answer.

"What is the meaning of this?" she bellows. "You surrendered. You yielded your title to our faithful subject Janis. You serve him now. Lay down your arms and bow before your new liege."

A deep voice from the wall contemptuously says, "We will never bow to cooties."

"Your high chief is a WOMAN!" Maer shouts.

"And your sexism is hardly relevant to this conversation," the voice replies.

"If you do not honor the terms of your surrender, we will run spears through every Zemigalian heart," Maer seethes.

"The cooties have spread to her brain, men!" the voice yells in alarm. "Apothecary, prepare the cootie shots! Men, make ready to repulse this madwoman!"

Maer would say more, but a messenger from Chancellor Thord comes, bearing news from the north. The High Chief of the Kola Sami has yielded to our superior force, and now our claimant Baeivi has taken control of the tribe.

ck2_1463.jpg


"Excellent!" says Maer, "At least one of these wars went as planned." Then she frowns as the messenger hands her a sketch of a map Thord drew, showing the extent of their conquest.

ck2_1464.jpg


Vast whats full of the fuck.

A heated exchange of letters with Regent Tarja of "Kola" follows:

Maer said:
O most untrustworthy leader of the infidels, hear now the words of the munificient Queen Maer the Valkyrie.

In violation of the treaty of Kemi, you have not yet yielded the county of Kola to our subject, Baeivi of the Kola Sami. You have exactly one chance to answer to our message; if you decline it, you will answer to our swords.

Again.

--Maer the Valkyrie

*

Tarja said:
Look here, little lady, maybe a lifetime of wearing pink and reading romance sagas has left you unprepared for the harder realities of politics. Regardless, we are under no circumstances letting you just waltz into Kola. Because if we do, we know your dance partner will be cooties.

Regent Tarja

P.S. If this letter confuses your pretty little head, consider getting a man to read it for you.

*

Maer said:
As you like. We will take your measure shortly.

Also, isn't Tarja a woman's name? --M

*

Tarja said:
You're clearly hysterical, sugar tits. Why don't you try to calm your uterus down and maybe bake a pie?

Manfully,
Regent Tarja


As far as I can tell, what happened here is due to some weirdness in the way tribes are implemented in CK2. Tribal leaders are given (a) a primary tribal title, which provides their tribal name (e.g., the Zemigalians) and is landless, and also (b) secondary titles for their actual land. Winning their primary title, like we just did, only gets you lands that do not fall under the jurisdiction of any secondary titles. So winning the war against High Chief Darate of the Zemigalians didn't do anything except change her title to Duchess Darate of Courland. Our claimant gained a high chief's title, but that didn't come with any actual land.

So, that's why Maer was left shouting outside that castle. "High Chief Darate? Who's that? I'm, uh, 'Duchess' Darate, of the NotZemigalians."

To make matters even stupider, we can't just counter by declaring war for Courland or Kola, since at the end of the wars for those worthless titles, we signed a peace treaty pledging not to attack the defenders again for another ten years. Awesome.

(This doesn't generally come up in a normal game, since in normal games the player has the permanent holy war casus belli, and thus has no need (or, usually, ability) to bother with claims against pagan tribes at all.)

In conclusion, we have witnessed the emergence of the first challenger capable of defeating Maer: pedantry.

4. Dark with excessive bright

Maer reflects on how she will respond to this dishonorable conduct on the part of her neighbors. She considers executing every Swede named Johan under her rule, although it's not clear why she feels that would help matters. Eventually, she decides it would be more constructive to direct her attention toward one of her fellow rulers.

cumans.jpg


The Valkyrie has sworn to bring all northern pagans under one sun, but she said nothing about the tribes of the eastern steppes. Since their arrival during the past century, the brave khans of the Cumans have fought the Russians, the Romans, the Turks, and the Hungarians. Among the pagan world, they alone are worthy of Maer's respect.

As a Viking queen, Maer would prefer to show her respect to the old Cuman khatun by testing her skill on the field of battle, but this is unfeasible for several reasons. The first is the vast distance; with the Cumans' and Valhallans' military standings relatively close to one another, Maer does not possess the supply chain needed to levy war on the far side of Europe.

She might have risked it even so, but the volvas have given her a second reason to be wary. An old seeress speaks to Maer of a dream that came upon her:

The warning of the gods said:
The seeress feels herself rising from her body, into the sky, until she can see over all the world, and all the stars, and the moon in its full glory. She looks east into the rising sun, and tears come to her eyes as she beheld its naked beauty, raining radiance down over the earth.

Then she hears a strange buzzing, like some unimaginable number of insects are beating filthy wings. They are. As the seeress lowers her gaze from the sun, she looks far, far to the east, at the end of a vast mass of land that seemed to stretch into eternity, and she sees a great swarm of locusts spilling out. They spread until they cover the earth, and then they rise and darken the sky, and nothing lives in their shadow. In their passing the old seeress sees forests shredded, and the flesh of all living creatures consumed, and their eyes chewed out, and bones picked dry, and there is no end to the dying.

The swarm masses into a vast cloud, and the cloud bears the shape of a terrible steed with two heads and many colors, and it gallops across the sky. And to it is given great speed and great wrath, and in its wake the stars themselves are torn from their fixtures, and the sun flees west throughout the day. The steed gives chase, and pursues the sun until it passes over lands the seeress knows, with the horrible hum of locusts growing louder and louder. And where the mountains in the east of Rus' meet the great steppes, the steed finally catches the sun, and it slams into it with great force.

Then is heard a howl that drives men mad, as thousands of locusts shrivel under the sun's blaze and fall in great ashen clods, and thousands more crash into the sun and tear at it with their claws. Then the great golden orb is finally pierced, and a final gout of flame bursts forth to singe the heavens. Sun and steed fall together, swinging in the sky as they crash to earth. Mountains are flattened, cities are reduced to ash in the blink of eye.

For the space of a heartbeat the world is still. Then, in the darkness, the old woman hears a million wings beating again, and sounds of crawling and chewing, and she knows the locusts live, and are coming west . . .

:what:

"Well, that was fucked up," says Maer.

"Indeed. May I advise against investing heavily in any wars against the eastern tribes?" the volva asks.

"I can do that," Maer says. "Good talk!"

Given what's in store, this proves wise. Since war is not an option, Maer instead offers friendship. Her son and spymaster Prince Loki is married to a genius Cuman princess:

ck2_1452.jpg


Loki himself possesses the Quick trait, and has the blessed blood of Maer burning in his veins, so their children should be retardedly talented. I also have our daughter Brunhilde married to the old khatun's son, thereby securing their military aid.

Much like our previous alliance with the Eastern Empire, the primary value of an alliance with the Cumans is as a deterrent. They could actually be useful if Rus' invaded, but with the Great Unpatriotic War still going strong, that seems unlikely. Otherwise, while the Tengri-worshipping Cumans are likely to honor a call to arms against Christian infidels, they're probably too far away to do us much good.

5. Long is the way, and hard, that out of Hel leads up to light.

All right, back to the North. Maer has devised a way of dealing with the dishonorable chiefs of the NotZemigalians and the Kola NotSami. The terms of our peace treaty say that we can't invade again until 1192, or else we shall be branded as dishonorable before all pagan rulers. Maer is impatient, so she looks into finding an honorable solution.

ck2_1467.jpg


We honorably annul the treaty with the NotHighChief, as well as her life. Since treaties are regarded as personal agreements between rulers, this allows us to honorably declare honorable war for honor.

The new ruler sends us an anxious letter expressing his hope for unity between our two peoples.

ck2_1468.jpg


ck2_1469.jpg


Unfortunately for him, Maer has the same hope.

Some not-terribly-interesting family drama follows:

First, Skidbladnir's granddaughter Beata warns Maer that Marshal Markus is plotting against her. Maer, not wanting to feel left out, warns Markus that Beata is plotting against him.

ck2_1470.jpg


She and Markus high five, proud of having outfoxed that scheming hussy, until:

ck2_1474.jpg


Loki comes to us and tells us that Markus really was plotting to kill our heir Thord. We're considering how to respond to this, when:

ck2_1477.jpg


Beata, or perhaps Thord, apparently seizes the day and has Markus murdered. Maer reprimands them both; Markus, she lectures, was an absurdly good marshal. He deserved the honor of death in combat.

ck2_1502.jpg


Later, our son Prince Birger gets sick and dies. You may remember his betrothal to a French princess; unfortunately, the poor girl caught the pox and died before reaching adulthood. With her perished our hopes of a claim on France.

In happier news, Prince Loki and his Cuman genius wife give Maer a grandson with the improbable name of Basbuga:

ck2_1472.jpg


You'll notice that despite being a newborn, he has mid-range stats in all categories. That's because he's a genius. This is good news, especially given the sudden rash of deaths in our household; if Thord dies, the boy might serve as a worthy heir.

Also, Maer and Loki awesome's wife bond:

ck2_1485.jpg


...over their mutual hatred of a "pagan's blasphemous words." Indeed, if there's one thing that the Norse Maer and the Tengrist Ipek can agree upon, it's how much pagans fucking suck.

Anyway, enough family business. After half a century of House Eketra constantly giving moral support to the Zemigalians and getting nothing but military aid in return, we finally win our war:

ck2_1479.jpg


And secure the moral support of the newly enthroned High Chief Janis. This is also the first time Valhallan expansion has crossed the Baltic. Janis feels this is a momentous occasion. Maer doesn't. She already crossed the Rubicon with regard to the Christian world; crossing the Baltic is a lesser journey.

6. The excess of glory obscured

For lack of a more logical target, I send Thord to Trondelag to try to get a claim.

ck2_1486.jpg


Notice what a clusterfuck Norway is. It's truly a pity that it's come to this, but then, with the poor moral model set by their rulers, I don't know what else you'd expect. Is it any wonder that their kings keep dying young? Their Corpse God himself must be expressing his disfavor with the wicked Norwegians. Let us pray for their souls.

Maer, being the bold, decisive go-getter that she is, is not content to merely pray.

Crusader Kings 2 Murder Mystery Mode said:
Maer has noticed a certain malaise afflicting the other crowned heads of Europe, a rot, a sickness that now borders on epidemic proportions. For a time, she thought it a weakness in the Norwegian royal family, but it is now clear something far more sinister is going on. In her own lifetime, she has seen a king and queen of Denmark die young, as well as two kings of Rus', a prince of Poland, and a king of Norway, to say nothing of the recent rash of deaths among NotHighChiefs. Maer is forced to consider the possibility that these weren't just accidents.

"This was murder," Maer says steadily, having read through the list of the slain. Prince-Spymaster Loki looks at her uneasily. "Murder, foulest murder," she declares. "It was all connected."

"It wasn't," Loki says.

Maer goes on. "Who could be responsible for such reckless slaughter? Who could have stood to gain from their deaths?"

"Mom, you . . . ordered me to--"

"That's not important now," she breaks in. "What's important is that we figure out who's doing this and put a stop to it. Or else, who knows? Perhaps they could strike here."

"I find that extremely unlikely."

"Detective Maer is on the case," she says, decisively ignoring him. "And what a case it is. This one is big. Anyone could be involved. I have a hunch it goes right to the top."

"That seems much more likely."

"Come with me, kid. We need to talk with the old spymaster. I want to know why he was taken off the case."

"I'm right here," says Prince-Consort Faste. "You fired me because Loki came of age, and he had a higher intrigue score."

"A likely story," Maer sneers. "How do I know that it wasn't you?"

"In fact, it w--"

"Don't change the subject. We're talking about a murder here."

"Oh for fuck's sake."

"When you use language like that, it's like you're murdering my heart. With words," Maer shot back. She frowned, then grabbed at the cup in Faste's hand. "What's that?"

"That is vodka. I find it makes these 'intelligence briefings' altogether more bearable."

"Vodka! But, yes . . . of course." She begins pacing. "King Maftei of Rus always wanted the throne, but his father and grandfather were in the way. So he murdered them."

"No, that was y--"

"And all those other people were dicks, so he murdered them, too," Maer continues, whirling around and pointing at no one in particular. "Do you know what this means?"

"I'm gonna go with nothing," says Faste.

"Nothing, strong choice," Loki agrees.

"I was thinking 'next to nothing,' but I trust you guys' judgment," Thord confesses.

"YES!" Maer nods, "It means that the killer is still on the loose!"

"I actually agree with that," Loki says.

"There's no time to lose! We're going to Rus'!"

"What?" says everyone.

ck2_1488.jpg


"Look at that smug bastard," Maer says contemptuously. "Thinking he's so great."

"His epithet is 'the Great,'" Faste points out.

"It was so obvious, all along," Maer goes on. "He used to be fighting ten of his dukes. Now he's down to five. He probably murdered them, too."

"You realize he's been fighting the same civil war all this time, right?" Thord asks.

"Civil war? Or civil murder?"

"Civil war," Loki confirms. "He's been at it for eleven years."

"Excuse me for not remembering when his father died," Maer sniffs. "I wasn't the one who murdered him."

"That's not actually tr--" Loki begins.

"I'd like to let you finish that sentence, Loki, but that would interfere with my plans to not let you finish that sentence," Maer explains. "Now. We've got to stop Maftei before he kills again."

"Okay," says Loki, "but how?"

"I think it's time he got a taste of his own medicine," Maer smiles. "Or should I say . . . murdericine?"

"You shouldn't," Faste answers. "But how are we going to do it?"

"Well," muses Loki, "Russians love to gamble, so I was thinking . . . "

"Of course!" yells Maer. "We'll bet him he's never been murdered, and when he comes to collect his winnings, we'll get him!"

ck2_1489.jpg


"That wasn't actually my plan," Loki said.

"You say that now."

"Now, and before, and several times during," Loki agrees.

"If you're so smart, I'd like to see you do it."

ck2_1490.jpg


"Good god," Maer gasps. " Maftei himself has been murdered. I wonder who could have done it?"

"It was me," Loki explains. "You told me to, then I said, 'I am going off to kill King Maftei,' then I paid a guy to poison his soup. Very easy."

"I guess we'll never know!" Maer sighs.

THE END

OR IS IT???

The genre of the Detective Saga dies an early death in Valhalla, along with the author of that particular satire. (He was murdered.)

7. Unrespited, unpitied, unreprieved.

Now that we've established a beachhead in mainland Europe, the logical thing to do is to extend it. To the east of Courland, Lithuania suffers under the yoke of a Catholic ruler, but the change was recent enough that there still pagan claimants.

So that's our next move. Lithuania's another two-province state, so the war is not remotely interesting. I'm including this shot solely because of the hilarity in the right side of the screen:

ck2_1497.jpg


Rus has inexplicably fallen to squabbling again. Maer sighs. It must be sad for them, to be such an ill-mannered, fractious people. Shameful.

ck2_1498.jpg


Lithuania belongs the the Allfather now.

ck2_1500.jpg


The NotHighChief of Kola NotSami is notAssassinated.

ck2_1501.jpg


And we make sure to notRuin his county's shit.

Incidentally, backing someone's claim for a title provides one of the greatest relations boosts in the game. If your vassals like you enough (which happens at around +40 relations), you can order them to convert to your religion. So all these Romuvans and Suomenuskos we've been backing have since shed their false gods and been lifted as spears in Odin's hands.

But the Corpse God is given a sword of his own, granted by the False Emperor:

ck2_1515.jpg


"The infidels come in many flavors. :smug:"

You know what, Canned Response Dude? Fuck off. I've been clawing my way toward glory for almost 130 years, and at the end of dozens of brutal wars, careful assassinations, bloody backstabs, and cunning plans--after I've gone from a minor chief to ruling the better part of four kingdoms--any no-name Catholic chucklefuck in the world can STILL kick my ass if he says enough Hail Maries. Fuck you.

* * *

I played this next section between 3 and 4 am, and it shows. I'd like to justify what I did strategically, but there is no way to make this not look retarded, so: under the assumption that Rus' was too busy fighting its 10-way civil war to really give a shit, I declared war on them. That part actually worked out. The stupid part is that I did it to claim Livonia, which Rus only owns one county of.

ck2_1505.jpg


So we're fighting the loyalists of the Russian empire over Latgale, which isn't even that good of a county.

Anyway, our much feared, much anticipated war against Rus' is essentially bloodless. With no armies opposing us in the field, we siege ten provinces simultaneously; the Russian king, completely indifferent to our efforts, taps out at war score 20%.

The Treaty of Letgale said:
To Her Esteemed Majesty, Queen Maer af Eketra:

I'm fighting ten of my fucking dukes here, do you expect me to give a shit about one county? Take it. Take two. Just get the fuck out of my face. God.

King Dmitry

ck2_1516.jpg


The most anticlimactic war in history is won.

On the subject of stupid wars, the Lithuanian high chief whose claim we'd backed has died, and his daughter is (somehow) an Occitan Catholic. She seems unlikely to serve us well if we should need her, so we see to it that she doesn't serve us at all:

ck2_1507.jpg


Which works. Except then I forgot about her, so a little later:

ck2_1510.jpg


FOUL TRAITOR, YOU HAVE NO HONOR.

On a related note, the Orthodox duchess of Lithuania was demoted to the status of minor countess when we took over. Maer decides to demote her further to the status of footrest:

ck2_1517.jpg


She takes this poorly:

ck2_1518.jpg


And then dies of old age, in protest of Maer's tyrannical policies.

In CK2, wars of rebellion end when the rebel leader dies, provided that the rebels' casus belli is that they think the queen is a poopyhead or cootie-infested womangirl or whatever. However, if the war is motivated by an act of tyranny, such as a refused revocation of a noble's title, then the war will be inherited by the rebel leader's successor.

ck2_1519.jpg


In this case, Countess Boleslava's successor is an Arpad of the blood royal. He calls Queen Maren of Denmark into the war! That's an interesting complication!

ck2_1520.jpg


Then he calls King Dmitry of Rus into the war! Shit!

ck2_1522.jpg


Fortunately, we take his last holding before either of the two kingdoms can do anything to us, allowing us to force a peace. Since he has claims on three Russian duchies, I was planning to give the count his title back and then fight wars on his behalf, but he died before I could get around to it.

And with that, Maer rules all Baltic and Finnish pagans.

8. Awake, arise, or be forever fallen!

Soundtrack, sort of

Thirty years ago, Maer told the pagans they would stand beneath one sun.

Her day is come, and the sun is bright.

oneSun.jpg

LOOK AT THAT FUCKING FONT, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Dawn has come to Europe. Christendom will burn, and Christian thrones will be as tinder.

(In Hebrew, incidentally, "Maer" means "the one who illuminates." One imagines that could be translated as "light-bearer.")

With the undivided pagan North blazing behind her, Maer chooses Norway as the first Christian nation to be enlightened.

(Thord has forged claims on wealthy Trondelag and one other county in the duchy. Since forged claims aren't inheritable, and since Maer is getting old, it seems best to press them now.)

ck2_1523.jpg


All right. Norway, while for once unified, and certainly stronger than many of our recent foes, is no match for the wrath of Valhalla. This should be a short, easy war.

Two days later, a flotilla of seven ships sail into Kobenhavn harbor. Six bear flags of truce, and the lead ship, a double-headed eagle.

Reichsfurst Emich has been granted entrance to Maer's palace without delay. But as he treads down its halls, an old man dressed in grey rises and stands in his path.

"Turn back, son," he warns. "Your ancestors stood with Great Wotan. You are walking into his shadow now. Turn back, go home, and you may see your grandchildren grow to become men."

"The imperial eagles watch over me, and I shall know no fear."

"You shall," the old man promises.

The Reichfurst looks him full in the face. "I am a Prince of the Eternal Empire," he said. "Who are you to speak so to me?"

"You may know me as Vegtam," says Faste.

"I do not know you," Emich replies, and pushes the old fool out of his way. He is almost to the grand hall when a a thick-looking servant jumps up to bar his way. "You are traveling in the wrong direction, my friend!"

The Reichfurst motions for his guards to remove the oaf from his path. "You are not my friend. I am here to treat with Maer and Maer alone."

"In time, you will wish you had listened to big ol' Skrymir," Prince Loki calls back to him.

The Reichsfurst speaks his title to the posted guardsmen, then waits as they rush in to announce him. Moments later, he makes entry into Maer's court.

The woman sitting at the end of the room is old, slight, and fragile. She does not look like a terror out of a barbaric age. She looks like somebody's grandmother. Which she is; a young boy with a serious face stands by her side. At the entrance of the strange German delegation, she lays her arm on his back.

"Queen Maer. I am Prince Emich, Chancellor of the Imperium Romanum Sacrum. I speak for the True Emperor of Romans, Kaiser Karl the Great, Third of His Name, Defender of the Holy Church and Rightful Lord of the West."

"The pagans' depredations against God's children are at an end. The Emperor tolerated your blasphemies when you kept them hidden and out of sight, but now you would walk among the civilized, and you raise open war upon his brothers in faith. You have shown your face in the light and we find it loathsome. It shall be scoured from the earth."

Maer pats her grandson's head.

"You have a fortnight to withdraw from Lithuania. Should you fail to comply, or should you dare set foot on mainland Europe again, then the Emperor shall leave his seat and fall on you with all his hosts. The enemies of God will not stand before him."

The boy frowns. Maer leans over and whispers something comforting in his ear.

"Your outdated longships shall be swept from the seas. Your temples shall be returned to the rightful worship of God. These rabble you call soldiers shall be annihilated by our holy knights. And the inexhaustible armies of the Emperor shall cleanse your lands of all sin. This is his judgment. Accept his mercy or be destroyed."

Maer waits a while, seemingly inviting him to continue, then speaks. "You offer us . . . mercy. How merciful of you. We wonder, prince, do you know the story of Thokk and Frigga?" Her voice is mild.

"The names are familiar, but I hardly see where heathen legends have place in these counsels."

"You will hear our queen's words or we will slice your worthless ears off," growls Ara of Bjarmia, war-priest of Ukko. Emich wisely keeps silent as Maer begins her tale.

"Frigga is the bride of Odin and greatest of goddesses. Of all the Queen of Gods' children, her favored son was Baldur the Blessed, most beautiful and most beloved of all the gods. He was snatched from Frigga in his youth, slain by foulest treachery." Maer gestured to the east, toward Gotland.

"For her most beloved son, Frigga would defy death itself. So she sent forth to the icy underworld of Niflheim, to bargain with Hel, Queen of Lost Souls. Hel sat up on her throne, the fleshless half of her face twisting in a terrible grin, and she struck a deal with Frigga.

Hel's favorite wine she distills from the tears of grieving souls, and she had a great thirst for that salty draught now. So if Frigg could bring all the world to weep for Baldur, Hel would release him from his tomb.

So Frigga went forth, singing lamentations for Baldur, and so sincere and so deep was her grief that all who heard it--even the hated giants, even the monsters of Loki--even they wept great, poisoned tears.

But then in a cave Frigga found one hateful giantess, whose heart was hard and steeped in venom. Malice had wrung it so tightly that Frigga could not squeeze a single tear from it. At all her songs, at all her tales of sorrow, Thokk only laughed, a horrible laugh that smacked like the feasting of maggots. And though Frigga threatened, begged, and herself wept, Thokk's eyes stayed dry, and Baldur stayed dead."

"But later, Thokk came again before Frigga and all the gods. She came to mock them. She thought that if she wore a different face, the gods would not know her for what she was. But Frigga would know Thokk's wickedness, wherever it might hide."

"And since Thokk was foolish enough to come again before the great gods, they laid upon her stern rebukes and drove her out of their palace. Thokk fled, but the gods in great wrath pursued. They caught her and tore out her own son's guts to bind her, and there she lay, in the darkness beneath the worlds. And they set a serpent to drip venom over her face, and there she will lie until the end of days. Thokk's torments are beyond imagining, and she is ruined, and without power."

"And Frigga cried no tears for her." Maer's voice dragged over each syllable like steel on stone. "Do you understand this story, Prince?"

Silence.

"Frigga will cry no tears for you."

* * *

One hour later, Emich leaves the palace with a letter bearing Maer's formal response to his emperor. As his ship pushes out of the harbor, the queen of four kingdoms and three creeds stands on the docks with all her councilors, and she watches the sails shrink.

ck2_1524.jpg


"Now we shall see which is stronger: an empire under one united faith, or a kingdom behind one undivided will?"
 

CappenVarra

phase-based phantasmist
Patron
Joined
Mar 14, 2011
Messages
2,912
Location
Ardamai
The Treaty of Letgale said:
To Her Esteemed Majesty, Queen Maer af Eketra:

I'm fighting ten of my fucking dukes here, do you expect me to give a shit about one county? Take it. Take two. Just get the fuck out of my face. God.

King Dmitry
:lol:
 

newcomer

Learned
Joined
May 23, 2012
Messages
919
The Treaty of Letgale said:
To Her Esteemed Majesty, Queen Maer af Eketra:

I'm fighting ten of my fucking dukes here, do you expect me to give a shit about one county? Take it. Take two. Just get the fuck out of my face. God.

King Dmitry

:greatjob:

Reminds me of my own treaty in my current game:

The Treaty of Byzantion Istanbul:
To the most despicable Caliph Henrike II:

Damn you and Paradox! How come conquering 3 of my counties immediately bring your warscore to 100%? I'll never forgive you for taking three-quarter of my REALM :rage:!!!

For those of you curious enough, the war was known as "Jihad for Byzantium" :troll:
 

Kayerts

Arcane
Joined
Jan 28, 2011
Messages
883
War score calculations are indeed pretty weird, especially with any war in which the spoils seem to be greater than the actual "target" of the war. (Mongol invasions and 1.05 crusades.)

Also, no one liked the Great Valhallan Murder Mystery, eh?
 

Vernydar

Learned
Joined
May 6, 2012
Messages
579
Location
Italy
War score calculations are indeed pretty weird, especially with any war in which the spoils seem to be greater than the actual "target" of the war. (Mongol invasions and 1.05 crusades.)

Also, no one liked the Great Valhallan Murder Mystery, eh?

They are weird, period. Once you get past a certain size, you can assemble a doomstack and end a war in about 1-2 months, no matter who you're fighting against. Which is why I don't particularly like crusades, or invasions. They make the game quite... pathetically easy
 

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