Soundtrack
Alas, Maer is not the only one with assassins.
Prince-Consort Asllat dies childless at the venerable age of 32. Maer has him buried according to the laws of Ukko, but she is less concerned by mourning than by murder. Who could have done this? As her champion, Asllat's enemies were legion, but one stood to gain more than any: his cousin Rastos the Kinslayer. Beyond the suspicious name, he used to call Asllat "Asslat." Finally, he is the son of Ahkemiella--and, now, High Chief of Bjarmia.
The signs are clear. The most powerful noble in the kingdom murdered Maer's husband, and even now he seeks her hand for his own. He would be more than kin, and is surely less than kind.
We will pronounce judgment shortly.
For the moment, Maer has a deeper wrong to avenge, a higher responsibility to uphold, a bigger asshole to fuck. With Sweden and Finland solidly under her control, her claim to be The Pagan Lord is looking increasingly legitimate. But there is one thing left to do before she can fulfill Mjolnir's dream and become Guardian of the north.
Denmark has been a thorn in our side for far too long. It hangs off northern Europe like a deflated cock, halfheartedly waggling at us from across the Sound. Its very flopping is offensive to us.
We have long sought a solution to our hated neighbor, but now I think I've finally worked out a plan to mend our relations.
The Plan: We kill all of them.
This will require some finesse. True, we already defeated the Grand Duke of Skane when we had less than half our current manpower, and true, the duke is mightier than the king. But the king is pious and allied with Poland. We can't risk fighting the Danes, the Templars, and the Legions of the Potato all at once. This forces us to devise a craftier plan.
The Crafty Plan: We kill some of them, then all of them.
King Gregers has failed to rein in his reckless duke, and for that, he will suffer.
When the news of his death reaches Uppland, Maer expresses her condolences to the Danish ambassador. She says it is sad that Gregers should fall ill so suddenly, but he had unhealthy habits.
"He did not fall ill. You had him murdered. The best liege I have ever known, cut down at the height of his reign."
"We will overlook your hasty words, as you must be mad from grief. The ravages of illness are foul indeed, and to an untrained eye can seem the work of men."
"The king was found hanging from an ash tree in the palace gardens with his side pierced by a spear. A sprig of mistletoe was jammed into his chest, and nine raven feathers were fastened to his clothes, four on each side, one on his face. In a circle about him, the names of Odin and Loki were writ in blood, most likely his."
"A strange illness indeed. You should take care not to catch it." The ambassador is sent back home to Denmark, his Viking escort citing concerns for his health.
He arrives to see his kingdom mourning the death of Queen Emilie, Gregers' daughter. What made her so susceptible to illness? Physicians are split on the subject, but it was likely her marriage to a Polish prince. A diet of only potatoes can weaken the immune system.
Her sister Maren is now queen, and she is alone. We will give the Danes time to see if any of them wish to challenge Maren for rule; in the meantime, there is the matter of our dead husband.
First, let's get a worthy successor. Maer heads down to the local cougar bar and picks up this strapping young gentleman:
Hot. You can't see it here, but young Faste is a bona fide genius, with every stat in the teens. He's not a physical embodiment of powergaming like Maer is, but he'll do. Hopefully he can shoot a few genius kids out of his dick before Maer's uterus reaches its expiration date. Maer can teach the little nerds how to honor Odin and how to do advanced math.
(Advanced math, among the Vikings, consists of expert-level courses in number theory. Not as in advanced cryptography, more as in 4.) (Which, as far as some of the more curmudgeonly older Vikings are concerned, is "just a theory.")
They are wed:
and 19 days later, I get this:
"It's like I see Faste for the first time." Yes, Maer. It's almost exactly like that.
Noted Viking fanfic writer XxFreyjasDwarf69xX in an excerpt from Harder! Faster! Maer! said:
Maer's long slender fingertips idly but sensuously brush against a bright vivid lush portrait of Faste and her, together on their wedding day. She sighs, then frowns, because the paint was still wet and now her hands are gross.
She looks back at her husband, the man she once felt such fire for, and she feels a new kindling beneath her full tempestuous heaving torpid bodice. "Faste," she asks, "do you remember when you first laid eyes upon me?"
Faste turns to her, shadow playing over his stubble in the torchlight. "Why yes, puddin'-butt, that was . . . earlier this month . . . "
Maer gazes back into his gaze as he gazes. Sweet, amorous, reluctant delay. "I remember, too," she confesses at last. "And I feel that way again now."
Faste gives a manly smile while having a nice ass. "That's . . . good? Had your feelings for me cooled over the past two weeks?"
Maer ignores the question, her eyes running longingly over his longing longness. "It's back. It's the same passion, the same hunger I felt for you during our honeymoon," she continues.
"We haven't had our honeymoon yet," Faste points out. Also his dick is enormous.
"Faste," Maer says, "By the surly beard of Mfrik, I want you. Take me, ravish me, fill me with the parsnip of your love."
"We're in the middle of your court, surrounded by at least fifty people," Faste objects.
"Yeah, this is pretty awkward," Thord agrees.
"Not cool, Mom," says Prince Loki.
69 fanfic writer executions follow. Soon thereafter, from the far north, the Kinslayer finally responds to Maer's marriage:
Hel hath no fury as a Nice Guy[1] scorned:
__
[1] Beyond Kinslayer, Rastos has traits Shy, Kind, and Deceitful.
Rastos's declaration of war said:
why won't u go out with me
(
i am such a nice guy
yuo only like that ass hole fastee because he treats you liek sh*t and has parsnips
i rly cared about u! i was so good 2u, i was a kick a*s spymaster, i even killed your lame husband. ] : ( [Ed: That is a frowny-Viking emoticon.]
why do girls only liek jerks who just want bjs??
1 day u will wish u had a guy like me! a guy with a levy over 7000!
Notice the wife and four kids.
Anyway, this is what Maer was waiting for. Rastos had a heavily negative opinion of us, so it was essentially a matter of time before he revolted. Facing a Bjarmian rebellion in the middle of her planned invasion of Denmark would've been awkward, so it's best to get that out of the way now.
(Bjarmia is, generally speaking, a difficult territory to govern. First, distances in the far north are vast, and CK2 increases every vassal's chance of rebellion based on the absolute distance to your capital. Second, they're from a different culture and a different pagan sect, which means they don't like me, but since they're in the same religious group, I can't revoke their titles with impunity. Finally, because Bjarmia is both powerful and inaccessible, rebellions are massively annoying to put down.)
Anyway, as before, Maer's army invades through the Arctic and the White Sea. This time, she sails with her warhost. Thousands of stone-faced Finns wait for them on the shore, this time expecting the invasion by sea. Their numbers match those of Maer's expeditionary force. Her captains begin exchanging concerned looks, when she climbs onto the prow of her flagship and thunders in a voice like a god's:
"Enemies of the Allfather, hear me. You have strength but will not have victory. Your false masters have betrayed you. They lead you into disgraceful failure. You cannot win. Kneel before the One True Queen or be destroyed."
"Whosoever bends the knee shall rise a son of Odin. Who bends not shall be broken. Embrace Norse rule, or you will embrace Norse spears."
Marshal Markus clears his throat. "Well. I'm sure that will work." Kol and Thord chuckle.
And then, amazingly, it does:
A ragged breaks out among the shore, first from a few, then many, then most: "
Gods save the Queen!"
The Finns on the shore are all old enough to remember the first coming of the Norsemen to Bjarmia, and none of them will ever forget the devastation they unleashed. Maer's "surrender or die" ultimatum alerts many of them to an option they weren't aware they had. Over half the traitors, it seems, were loyalists who just needed a push.
Maer has defeated an army by yelling at it. Majestic.
The battle spreads across the shore for a full minute before Markus reacts. Maer finally prods him. "Gods save the Queen?"
"Gods save the Queen," he concedes, then gives the order to attack.
Battle is joined and fought and won. There remains little of the war left to fight, after the initial resistance is vanquished. The Kinslayer is not a popular lord. His chiefs thought him mad to war with Maer, and they withheld as many troops as they could from his muster. Soon his castles return to Norse hands, and for his treachery Rastos pays the dearest price.
Back in the south, a much stupider rebellion takes place:
Rorek of Vastergotland is plotting against Markus. The Marshal reminds Maer of her words about One Sun, and, grudgingly, she gives Markus leave to make the arrest. Which he proceeds to fuck up. So on our way home, we have to make a side trip to stomp on Vastergotland.
All right. Our civil wars are over. Our kingdom is unified. Denmark is isolated and--hang on. Apparently Queen Maren married her sister's Polish husband, and thus gained an alliance.
So as I was saying, Denmark is isolated. And now, by insane luck, it's at war with Norway. We'll never have a better opportunity.
It's time to take the Danish heartland. Maer vs. Maren. Let's do this.
"
. And yes, you can become king of khazaria this way
