This is a very nostalgic RPG for me. It's my first JRPG with lots of unexpected content. I was only 12 years old and I was staying overnight at Uncle Allen's place on weekends to enjoy awesome PC games with CD ROM Drive like Monkey Island and Doom. I was very familiar with anime at that time, but nothing could prepare me for Knights of Xentar.
The
intro sets the mood.
And all the full voice. Such a sweet beautiful voice with pixels to go along with it.
And plot-wise, it's a crap-shoot. I have no idea wtf is going on then and still am lost now. I remember the manual had a backstory written in it, explaining what happened in Dragon Knight 2. But who cares, we're here to vanquish evil in RPG style.
I do not have the CD with me and had to settle with the non-speech version. Megatech is defunct after importing Japanese Hentai games of all sorts of shapes and sizes. I don't know why they think it'll sell but I'll be damned if it wasn't something awesome to share with your classmates when you're just barely hitting puberty.
With that out of the way, let's embark on our Journey!
Episode 01 : Let's get NAKED!
Fucking hell. Ten seconds into the game and we're already dead drunk. A most auspicious beginning. Western RPG devs should take note on how they should start their campaigns.
Brandy, grog, and fried pig gristle. Never again. At least not in the same glass.
When I was 12, I used to wonder what IS Pig Gristle? Of course, there was no internet at that time, so I never discovered anything about it. Then when times are better and I gained access to yahoo, I couldn't stop using Yahoo to find 'Pamela Dean Anderson naked' so my curiosity of Pig Gristle was completely forgotten. Now, with Google, I
know.
Eh...it's basically a skewered roast pork...I believe we call it 'Satay' in Singapore, dipped in peanut sauce for that awesome heavenly taste. Mouthwatering. I'm sorry, am I LP-ing? Oh yeah. Let's get back to it.
Let's see if I can find a cozy ditch to retch in.
Fucking shit, we're paralyzed by cutscene! Fucking pioneers of RPG Decline!
Give us your weapons and jewels or we'll carve our names on your backside.
Oh well, a tutorial fight while drunk? This should be good.
That's not very nice. It's a good thing for you I'm only permitted to draw my blade when facing the utmost in evil and not the epitome of ugliness.
Or maybe you can simply call it 'narrative restrictions', fuckers.
So, in other words, you're completely defenseless?
Yes. Um...I mean no.
Hey, what the fuck? We didn't get to fight? Bullshit!
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You! Wake up!
Ah, Qui Gon to the rescue. Probably a mentor figure of some sort. JRPGs always have those, don't they?
(Intelligence) Ah, so I should use a sword?
Spare me your wisdom old man and bring me a bucket.
Ha! You've been unconscious for over a day. You should be grateful those brutes didn't kill you and my name is Larrouse not old man.
An entire day? Where did you find me?
A ditch. You see some rats were mistaking you for sausage and not even someone of your low intelligence deserves that. Now you must leave tihs town at once. They say, "He who stuffs fish with worms must fly like chicken hawk,"
No. I have no idea what it means.
What's that supposed to mean?
How should I know? If I was a wise man, would I have taken in some bleeding drunk and let him soil my good sheets? Ha!
Let me guess. That's a rethorical question. Got anything to eat?
You bet. Pig gristle marinated in gin! Whoopee!
Eh? What's with this game and pig gristle?
Looks like our hero had too much talking to handle.
Glad to see your manners rival your odor. By the way, how did such a scrawny guy messed with those thugs in the first place?
They said they wanted my jewels.
So you naturally refused.
I would've fought them if I could've drawn my sword.
Yeah 'if I could've'.
What sword?
The one I have right here. Hey! Where is it?
Oh, what a surprise! RPG cliche start, take notes developers. Get the player drunk and take away his sword. -10 to attack penalty is too high to overcome!
My guess is the bandits sold it to a weapons shop and used the cash for drink.
If I knew they were that evil, I would've drawn my blade. Stealing a man's sword is bad enough, but selling it for booze?!
So you lost your fancy pig-sticker. What's the big deal? You're lucky to be alive.
How am I going to explain this to Rolf?
Errr...Based on the intro, that's probably his pal. Or something.
Let me guess. It's his sword, right?
Well, sort of. There was this poker game. Hey! Is there a window open? I'm freezing. Oh, no! Not my armor too!
Wow. Nice start. Totally no equipment and gold. What a surprise.
You certainly weren't wearing any when I dragged you out of that ditch.
You mean I was?
Naked?
Didn't I say rats were about to have you for dinner?
Great. And I promised Rolf that I'd never lose the jewels.
Jewels?
Yeah, jewels. I should have sold them the minute I got them.
Well, perhaps there were no shops in the wilderness?
Rest here another day.
Are you kidding? We just started the game!
I can't stay here. I need to get the jewels back.
Uh...OK. What is so important about those things?
You didn't stand a chance with your armor and sword. What are you going to do now?
Just point me in their direction. I'll get them somehow.
Hold on! You're going out like THAT?!
Errr...whatever does he mean?
Thanks for pulling me out of the gutter, old man. Bye!
I checked the character status.
Yep. We're completely buck naked. Wonderful start. At least we're level 25. Let's find those bandits.
Walking around the town map is very similar to Final Fantasy. Just walk around and bump into people you want to talk to.
We're naked, so the townspeople react accordingly, just like Daggerfall.
Fuck it. Let's move along to the tavern. They must be drinking there.
We're in the right place!
Alright, alright, I'm moving. Geez.
I got a boner when I was 12.
I was like, "This is amazing."
"I'm totally staying over every weekend at Uncle Allen's place. Fuck the church!"
Uh, sure...let me just..
Leave her alone.
You're a fine one to talk. Put some clothes on. Get lost or you're next.
I'll take you all on barehanded.
Nice move, smarty pants. But you're buck naked and unarmed.
That's it. Let's finish him off, boys.
Sigh. At least I get to see porn before dying.
What the fuck just happened?
All right, my little boars. What should I do first: stuff you, carve you, or roast you?
This is complete BS. You were KO'ed without effort and then you kicked their asses while totally NAKED just by being sober?!!
We surrender!
I want my sword and jewels back.
Too late, we sold them.
Then buy them back!
Beating commences.
We'll get your jewels back, I swear.
You better, for your sake.
So..I assume they're leaving to get the jewels back, but....
And they ran. PATHETIC.
Wait! At least give me my underwear!
You have a sword?
A sword and clothing, and everything else befitting a hero of my stature- er, success. I also had a code of honor that screwed me out of my jewels.
Jewels? Little shiny things that people pay a lot of money for?
Errr...why did the dialogue get 10x stupid all the sudden.
That's right. Those buttheads took everything. Who are they, anyway?
Bandits from the west. They live on Mount Litmus where a great demon protects them. In exchange, they impregnate our women with his evil seed.
Wow. Hardcore.
The spawn of such couplings often do not reveal their true nature until their 19th Birthday, when they take a knife to their parents. But you saved me.
Has anyone tried anything? A constable? An exorcism?
Squalor Hollow is a small and poorly defended town. The land Baron, Don Frump, offers a large bounty to anyone who ends their raids. But even leaving the village is dangerous! The wilderness is filled with monsters.
Great. At this rate, I'm never going to get my sword nor jewels.
Don't despair. After all, you beat the bandits once. True, you'll also be facing monsters that will cut out your tongue, feed on your eyeballs and no, wait! That's not in the west...that's in the east..
OK! I get the point!
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I frighten you?
Grrrrr.
Heh. Down boy.
Anyway, I must return to my duties. Thank you, Mr...
Shepard.
What a delightful name! I think it means "duck with cherry sauce" in the land of northerners. No, it's "cat with lead feet."
God, what is wrong with the writers?!
Good-bye!
At least we got our first gold from this. Hmm, what to do next. We're still naked. Maybe Don Frump can get us started on the kill the bandit.
Check all pots in the house, just like most JRPGs they contain loose change or treasures.
Then why don't you?
Sure, all I need to do is call my - all right, I'm too cheap to hire guards. Oh! My!
What is it now?
You're naked!
Very good, Don Frump. It took you this long to notice.
How dare he let a pervert into my house!
Frump, I'm here to help you.
Sorry, I prefer women.
No, I'm going to take care of those bandits who've been harassing you. They also stole my jewels!
You? How? Bludgeon them with your -
That joke's been done. No, I'll handle them just like I did in the tavern.
It's plain to see how successful you've been.
Well, um, they tricked me.
So how do you expect to defeat all of them in their hideout?
Barring any cutscene paralysis, I shouldn't have any issues...
I haven't got a cent to my name. I was hoping you'd help me.
Well I do have some used armor and a knife. I guess I could let you have them.
Well, it's better than nothing.
When you defeat the bandits, I'll pay you 200 sovereigns.
300!
300 minus the cost of the leather armor and the knife.
I'll take 100 if you get me my sword and armor back. The bandits sold them to one of the weapon stores.
And the jewels? Did they pawn those, too?
No, the bandits must still have them.
Their hideout is on Mt. Litmus. They enter town through the north road in spite of the barricade I built. I don't know how. Here! Now get out. I don't want to see you till the bandits are dead!
At fucking last~!
If you succeed, I'll give you your sword and armor, and oh, yes, your 100-sovereign reward. Heh, heh, ha ha ha!
Uh....OK. Let's see how long I can last in this game. Next Update: Combat and Non-Naked JRPG Action!
