OK, forgive me for taking so long to bring you an update... but better late than never AMIRITE?
Anyway, here we go...
LET'S PLAY HEROES OF JIN YONG
V: WHITEY TELLS HMONGS "LET ME OFF YOUR LAWN!"
[YANJIPIC] Yan Ji: Well, it looks like you got to try out the poison I made to deal with Feng the Hmong!
Fucker poisoned me! Time for a beatdown! One on one!
(5 seconds later)
YOU ARE VICTORIOUS
Yep, he’s a big puss. Put up practically no fight.
Yan Ji is surprised his sucky poison doesn’t take me out again. He let’s me ransack his house (in this game, kicking someone’s ass is like an alpha dog mounting a weaker dog; they basically just roll over for you and let you take anything you want once they lose, or join your party.) He also tries to talk me into hanging around and having dinner with him… uh, no thanks.
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Oh my, what’s this? Two pages from a sabre manual! I bet Hu Fei is going to be interested in seeing this.
Anyway, with that little episode over, we head off to the north, figuring we will eventually make our way back to the tundra and Hu Fei. Before long we find yet ANOTHER cluster of mountains surrounding a little walled compound. Well, who lives here?
THE SCHOOL OF THE FIVE POISONS
Hey! The five poisons? Don’t I have a book about the five poisons…?
In the courtyard I find a handful of funny-looking dudes with whips lounging around.
Whitey: Judging by the way you guys are dressed, I’m guessing you aren’t Han Chinese?
[DAMMIT WHITEY SHUT UP… geezus man, what is your problem? Looks like Whitey needs to equip the “Rainbow Colored Multi-Cultural Manual” and spend some points on leveling it up.]
Hmong dude: So what if we’re not Han? Us Hmongs aren’t wicked like you Han are.
[Right! Another ethnicity added to the mix now. So far (for those keeping track at home) we’ve seen Chinese, Tibetans, Opera Clowns, Hui Muslims, Poisonous Spiders, and now Hmong. Er, did I forget anyone? Please don’t be upset if I left your people out.]
Whitey: Wicked?
Hmong Dude: You Han Chinese are experts at taking advantage of people’s good graces, then running away.
Whitey: Says who? Listen bro, I’m the most obsessively kind guy on the planet!
Hmong Dude: Is that right? Well, you seem alright I guess, you look pretty honest… Alright brothers, let’s grab this little fellow and present him to our master! After that Wei guy
[
] ran away, our master’s feelings were hurt for quite some time. Let’s let this little guy keep the master happy for a while.
[Oh snap, so this is where Wei Xiaobao got that “Five Poisons” book he sold me. Well, they don’t need to know I’ve got it in my pocket.]
Whitey: Whoa, whoa, I have a lot of important things to attend to, I can’t hang around here and keep your master company. And who knows what kinds of torments you might have in store for me!
Combat ensues!
Yeah, these guys don’t hold out very long against me and Tian Boguang. They do poison the holy hell out of us… with their whips? But Whitey’s got it covered with all the medicine he made from that book that Wei Xiaobao sold him, which of course was original stolen from these jackasses!]
Hmong Dude: Silly little boy, don’t you want to stay here and enjoy the rich and luxuriant life?
Whitey: No way! As my teacher always said, “There’s a knife hovering over the head of the character for ‘lust’!”
[It’s not entirely obvious from the dialogue, but it seems their master is actually a slutty woman who likes to make guys like Whitey into her boy toy. Well, not gonna happen…]
Whitey wastes no time looking for stuff to loot. Here are cages and urns full of live snakes! I don’t think he actually finds anything worth taking.
Well, we make our way back to Hu Fei and show him the pages we found at Yan Ji’s house.
Hu Fei: Eh? This… this is…
Whitey: I got these two pages of sabre technique from the
jiang hu villain Yan Ji. Could it be that this is what you have lost?
Hu Fei: indeed, this is the comprehensive manual of Hu Family Sabre Technique handed down in my family. For many years I have been unable to find it; who knew that it is you who find it for me today. When I was little, I heard Fourth Uncle Ping tell me that the man who stole our sabre manual is one of the people I owe revenge for murdering my father. From today forth, I will assiduously study the Hu Family Sabre Technique, hunt down and serve vengeance to those villains Feng the Hmong and Yan Ji. Younger brother you… you are full of kindness, I don’t know how to thank you! If there is anything I can help you with, let me know!
Whitey asks Hu about the novel he’s supposed to have. Hu says he doesn’t know where it is, but he thinks it must have something to do with the story of his family.
Anyway, Hu joins the party. He looks like a big wus, but his “light body skill” and sabre skills are OK. He starts out knowing a couple levels of his family’s sabre technique. He only has 50 hitpoints, though, which means that if the wind blows too hard he’ll collapse like a piece of wet cardboard. He’s definitely not cool like Tian Boguang, but I figure I’m going to have to take him to Yan Ji to move this sluggish plot line along, so he’s coming with us! [sorry, looks like I didn’t get early screen shots of his sucky stats, but whatever]
YOU GET THE HU FAMILY SABRE MANUAL
Sweet. Hu gets to equip this; I guess we’re going to have to help him learn how to kick ass.
A little while later I find myself at Northern Clown’s circus tent. Time to feed the clown!! I get the knowledge fruits out and…
Northern Clown: Let me tell you a few ways to open chests that won’t ruin your morality score: When there is no one on the map. When the owner is in your party. When its owner invites you to take things from it as you please.
Again! Have some more fruit, clown!
Northern Clown: My neighbor little Hu needs a woman. If you find him a woman, he will be forever thankful to you.
Yeah, maybe, but he ought to be thankful to me already. Hu, you getting’ anxious over there?
More fruit! Eat, clown, eat!!
Northern Clown: I know of a couple of places where you can practice up your kung fu. They’re both places where old people live. Early on, you can go to Spirit Snake Island [or “Potent Snake Island”? ] and fight with that old lady there. [Uh…] And later on you can go to Hundred Flowers Valley, look for Old Little Boy and learn from him.
I love this metagaming clown! Best character in an RPG evar!
The Clown also tells me about some treasure caches; the first one is hidden at an Inn! The other is the Chuang King’s treasure trove. IMPORTANT: I don’t have screenies of it, but when Hu Fei joined my party, an item called the Chuang King’s Dagger was added to the party inventory. I wonder if that has something to do with it? Dur…
Anyway, enough clowning around for now, soon it will be time to get revenge on that punk ass craven poisoning Yan Ji!
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