Let's Play Heart of China

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Not that it takes much, even my dog is a better writer than Gaidar itself. Also, moar! These updates continue to be hilarious.

Yes for more gameovers. Also, comedy.

Bad gameplay design?
In mah adventure gaem?

Sorry! but there's indeed no way to succeed if Chi goes. The dialog heavily hints at this, as does Lucky's failure at using the herbs.

If you think the puns are gonna get better, boy do I have some disappointment in store for you!

Adventure games NEVER have bad gameplay design. Since this is a CRPG, however, it has multiple paths, C&C, minigames... AND bad gameplay design, like any true CRPG.

More of both incoming!

DAY FOUR: KATHMANDU







No, that's your mush, pal. PHEW!!

No. Smell is of baked goodies. Maybe we find donuts?

First things first. We need to find a way out of here or get some petrol and a few strong bodies to help swing the Yankee Eagle around.

Welcome to sunny Kathmandu! Let's get our bearings. The fort on the top right houses Bojon, the current ruler of Kathmandu. The temple at the top of the mountain is where we'll find the Lama. The building by its lonesome on the left is the local tavern. There's an exit on the leftmost of the screen to a junkyard. The rightmost house in the foreground is Ama's, and the Exit icon is pointing to the telegraph office. Let's start there.





For some fun, I'll have Chi talk to the telegraph operator first.



Hi, babe.

Was talking about friend.

Him? Cute? To each his own.

So, cutie, I get off work at five.

Heh, heh. I probably busy.

Here, Lucky. You take over.

Sure, Chi. Women... they're my specialty.

Switching to Lucky...



Would stranger like to send telegram?

So this is a telegraph office?

You quick.

Yeah well Wu did make the comparison to eggplants.

Hm?

So would like to send telegram or not? Nalini very busy.

Hold your horses, I'm trying to figure out who I want to send telegrams to.

Horses?

Do you think I should send something to Trixie?

Trixie? Is that your horse?

Ah, scratch Trixie. I like what I'm seeing with Kate. Okay, I want you to send a telegram to E.A. Lomax in Hong Kong.

Ran into trouble. Stop. Had to fly Kathmandu. Stop. Kate fine. Stop. Will get back Hong Kong ASAP. Stop. Lucky.

Lucky should read paper now and then.



DAMN!!! I can't believe it! Well, we can't go back to Hong Kong now.



That means refueling in Istanbul. I hate to risk it, but then again that's just the kind of guy I am!

This foreshadowing will make more sense in the next update.

So you send telegraph or not.

Yeah, yeah... send this.

Ran into trouble. Stop. Had to fly Kathmandu. Stop. Kate fine. Stop. Read paper. Stop. Will contact re new destination. Stop. Lucky.

Check. I send off right away.

For some additional fun, we can talk to Nalini again.





Nalini not send that!

What do you mean, Nalini not send?

Find pigeon if want to send message like that to mother!

What's wrong with what I said? Sheesh!

Ah well, no allowance for Lucky. Heading back to the town center...



Smell a storm? And it's going to hit at 3:15 p.m.? Funny, I hear a storm, but to me, sounds like it'll hit at 3:19 p.m. and 23 seconds. Sheesh!!!

Remember when I said not to waste time in Kathmandu? that's why. You can waste a day talking and/or drinking with Ama, and another one in the local prison. Either by itself won't be the end of the world. Waste BOTH days however and the storm hits, taking the Eagle with it.



To illustrate this point, we will go visit Bojon, using a save in which Lucky did NOT befriend Ama (see last update, where he gets dragged by the ears). The distinction is important.





Yeah, it ain't exactly the friendliest Tourist Information Office.

Stature? Chi, doesn't that look like an usher's uniform to you?

Yes. But I think...

You idiots! I am Bojon, ruler of Kathmandu. I will not warn again, OUT!!!





The presence of this gun will take on some importance later on.



Oh my! I go hide. HA HA HA!!!







Well, if this doesn't sound like an invitation to get another game over, I don't know what is... so let's head back in.









Oh my! I go hide. HA HA HA!!!



54 to 48, I lead, with... 9,375 cat games. What we play for again? I forget.

If you win, I owe you a 40 foot maple bar. If I win, you arrange a date with the Chinese National Women's Gymnastic team.

You still want?

Are you kidding me?! (cough, cough, wheeze) Next game!



Now, let's take a hypothetical situation, in which, instead of being on good terms with Ama, we accept to get drunk with her, or tell her Lucky's life story. THEN we get imprisoned for the first time by Bojon. As before he releases us... but since we're now two days later, the storm has hit...









AND for all my troubles, I going to get absolutely nothing. Splendid, simply splendid!

Notice how Lucky starting to talk like locals.

Damn, my ass is killing me!!!

Butthurt detected



Now let's roll back all the way to the telegraph and leave Bojon alone for now. Let's do what Ama suggested and visit the Lama instead.







Well, yeah, I was looking for the Lama's house.

Ah, tourist, yes? You want llamas to ride, yes? Can find back in town.

Boy, you yes men sure start young. HA, HA, HA.... Ahem. Don't you get it? Yes men?

No.

You still with us Crooked Bee?

Well, never mind. Anyway, no, I'm not interested in riding a llama.

I'm interested in TALKING to one. You know, the kind without humps.

From what I gather he's a brainy guy, probably wears his flowing robes kind of high.



Yeah, I'm not typing that.

The Wala... Wally Lama? Yeah, I bet that's the guy.

Lama not GUY. And what could YOU possibly want with THE Walallamallajan Lama?



No.

I can believe it! Can you believe it?

Uh, no.

You would think that the carrier pigeon would have gotten here by now.

Pigeons! Can never trust them. You know what I mean?

Yes, pigeons.

Anyway, I have some urgent news for The Wally Lama.

Oh, then please follow me.

And we're off to see the wizard Lama!





Huh? How do you know my name?

I am the Walallamallajan Lama. This is your answer.

Wow! I heard you were pretty wise and all but I didn't quite expect this.

And sorry about duping your disciple. I just really needed to see you.

My disciple understands principles not people. He will learn.

And you, Lucky Jake Masters, understand people not principles.

Let us both hope that you learn that people and principles are part of the same truth.



Heh, heh, that wasn't exactly true. Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

Ahmmm. Ahmmm.



Ahmmm. Ahmmm.

The Walallamallajan Lama prays now. Perhaps we come back later.

In the meantime, why not go check on Kate, like Ama suggested?





For all the wind-blowing, you nice, sensitive boy.

Mother, grandmother teach well.

Yeah, well let's not get too mushy about this. I just dropped in to say hi.

Go ahead. Do not be so shy, talk with woman friend. Go ahead, now. She not fertile forever, you know.

Okay, already. Sheesh, you sound like Grandma Masters!

Hi. Thanks for stopping by.



Now that you ask, simply rejuvenated.

What is it with you women? I open my mouth, and you're all over me.

Well, you don't have the most poetic tongue in the world.

In fact, it bears a rather striking resemblance to a gym sock.



I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that. So what if your tongue isn't dulcet like the morning sun?

Huh?

Nothing.

So how are you feeling? You okay?

I'm doing better, thanks.

She isn't force-feeding you any of her special soups, I hope.

Ama's been an absolute dear.

An absolute dear? Huh. Well, that's good.

How are you and Chi holding up?

Like rocks of granite. We'll have everything taken care of in a couple of shakes.

Just get yourself better so we can get you home.

Okay.

Well, uh, I guess me and Chi will mosey on now. Take care.

Thanks for stopping by.... Oh, I completely forgot. Jake, thanks for saving my life.

No problem. See ya.

Let's see if the Lama is done with his prayer.







You mean that ahmmm nonsense was just a game to teach me a lesson?

Aren't you the tricky Lama.

The Walallamallajan Lama does not play games. Earlier, you told me a falsehood.

I was praying for your soul. That you were patient tells me that hope does, indeed, spring eternal.

Hope? about what?

You.

Thanks, but... why me? I mean, I was kind of a jerk, lying and all.

It is you who will free the people of Kathmandu from the shackles of fear. That is my vision.

Are you sure that's me in your vision? I'm the one who needs help.

This I know. By passion you are bound. Help my people. By passion you are set free. They will help you.

Ah hah! I get it. Now, you said something about shackles of fear.

Bojon, the petty and corrupt leader of Kathmandu, has enslaved my people with guns and a sacred scroll which he stole from this holy place.

He said that if anyone opposes his will, he will burn the sacred scroll.

The people fear for their spirit, and Bojon exploits this fear and oppresses my people.

I've always said the only thing to fear is fear by its lonesome.

With passion and wiles, prove to my people this principle. Recover the scroll, and they will help you in return.

I'll give it a shot.

Hey, you know what would be a REALLY stupid thing to do? Barge into Bojon's and demand he hand over the scroll.

Need I ask if you want me to do it?





No, out at once tourists!

We're not tourists. We're your worst nightmare. Now hand over the sacred scroll!

HA! You think you can come in to Bojon's office and just like that he roll over and play dead?

I suppose that was a bit optimistic on my part.

You think?

Jyapu, imprison these fools!!!



Notice this option wasn't there when we visited before learning about the scroll. Hey, it sounds like a REALLY supid thing to do! Let's try it!





Reloading, we pick a slightly less stupid (and much funnier) option.



President is Hoover. You stupid and foolish!!



Remember how, when I showed Lucky and Chi being captured the first time, I said they had NOT befriended Ama? This time, they have. Notice the difference.



Partner? What are you talking about?



Oh my! I go hide. HA HA HA!!!



This is another branching that I have no idea about. As you will soon see it doesn't block off anything, and in fact it's just optional content that doesn't get you anywhere. No idea why it's there.



There's only one person that can help you, and that's Ama.





Not so lucky. Was imprisoned by Bojon.

Bojon?! That good for nothing nephew of mine!!!

He your nephew?

Yes. Son of my brother, Pyanu. He black yak of family. Has screw loose or something.

No wonder Bojon turn out so rotten!

Think you can appearl to Bojon for family favor, ask to let Lucky free?

Think can put Bojon over knee if not let Lucky free!





Cut crap, nephew. You imprison friend. I want you to let free at once!

If you mean partner of that one, sorry but...

You no hear well, is that problem?

YOWWW!!!! But Auntie Ama. OUCH! Okay, just let go!



Most welcome. Ama always happy to save you, cutie.

Of course, I could have escaped myself.

Oh shut up already.

In fact, just as you arrived, I was in the process of putting my plan into effect...

See, I was going to...

Hush, Ama rush home now to woman friend, and also left kettle of chicken braind noodles soup on stove.

How's she doing?

She better. Ready to leave in not too long.

Come by later, visit with lady friend, try soup. Brain noodles melt in mouth. Mmmm, mmmm, good!

Oooo. Sounds yummy. Maybe we'll swing by later. Tell Kate, uh... hi.

Hi?

Well, why don't you chime in some sentiments for us?

Ama cross toes for you two!



He's not joking either. If you try to go into his office again, Lucky and Chi get shot dead.

Now, while this is my favorite scene in the game, it does raise a big plot hole: why doesn't Ama just waltz in and demand Bojon give her the scroll?



Instead, we'll have to start the Revolution!









We first try to chat up the barman.

What does stranger want?

A shot of scotch. No, make it a double.

And what can you tell me about this Bojon character?

Know nothing.

What's wrong, cat got your tongue?

Come on, I want to help you get your scroll back.

Well, that didn't go too well. There's only one other person you can talk to here, Sardar, who's sitting on the left side.



I'm not a...

Sardar not care what you are. GET LOST!!!

Maybe you should. I've come to help you regain your sacred scroll.

You've come to kill yourself then.



No. Fear gun or never fear again. Bojon have gun.

I have gun, too. And, like me, it's BIG!

But he will burn sacred scroll.



Why would want to do that?

Precisely my point.

What point?

About burying your head in the sand just because you fear fear.

Fear fear?

Okay, so my sentence structure is a little sloppy, shoot me, why don't you?

You have Sardar shoot you?

Go ahead! It certainly would take me out of my misery! I'm getting nowhere here!

Prove principle to Sardar. Understand that nothing to fear but fear itself.

Huh? Oh, yeah, great. By the way, that's "nothing to fear but fear by its lonesome."

Sardar understand. Heart beats with courage. But still we need method.

Pretty obvious isn't it? They need something to counteract the gun. How about another gun?



Now the people of Kathmandu have a gun!



The People's Revolution is about to throw away the tyrannical bourgeois! /commie













Yes. We return to The Walallamallajan Lama's, and then we almost home.

Yeah, knock on wood. I was just waiting for some other disaster to complicate things for us. Chi, ol' buddy, I think we're finally out of the woods.

Now if we can just get some gas for the Yankee Eagle, we're out of here.



You can't really give it back, as the Lama is now officially away, but things will take care of themselves automatically. Now let's find some gas.



First, let's go take a quick peak into the tavern.



I'm not going to find any gas here.

At least none that the Yankee Eagle can use!

See you later guys. I got some more superhero stuff to do.

Well there's only one place we haven't visited, so the laws of adventure games say the gas must be there.





Before talking to the boy, let's take the box and have a look at it.



"...to toy with" is a not-very-subtle hint about what we'll need it for. Now let's talk to the kid.



What's it to you, kid?

My petroleum, so if you want, you give what Kubla ask.

Oh, is that right? And what does Kubla ask?

Want to go with Birdman away from here.

Sorry, kid, I'm not a babysitter.

Am not baby! Am man! Man with petroleum!

Okay, take it easy, would ya? Sure, you're plenty grown-up and all...

But kid, I mean, we're talking life and death adventure. And what would your parents say?

Who care? Kubla no longer want parents!



Now there's a more direct way to get petroleum from him, but the long way is more fun, which is why I'll take it.

Kubla know. Father and mother do it, and that make me.

How old did you say you were?

Kubla ten. So Birdman take me or not?



You just like rest of grown-ups. Kubla no give petro!

Typo not mine.

Now if we leave the screen and come back, Kubla's gone but has left a message.





OK, so maybe Chi should read it instead...



Oh great, the kid's run away. Now what?

Must find. We responsible.

On a hunch, I head back to Ama's...



Huh? What, have you been dipping into the tumba again?

Get in here right now!

My isn't she a bossy one.



Apologize?

Apologize or else!

Okay. Calm down. Sheesh!

What you want?

I, uh, wanted to apologize.

That mean nothing to Kubla.

Look, kid, I don't want to hear any belly-aching about not being able to fly away with me!

Be nice to Kubla or you fly out of Ama's pretty darn fast!

Just relax, would ya, Ama!

Okay, Kubla, my friend, the fact is I can't take you with me even if I wanted to. Your parents love you and all.

So.

Soooo... they would be crushed if you left. You love your parents, don't you?

Yeah.

And you wouldn't want to hurt them, to make them cry, would you?

No.

Okay, then. Maybe when you're older, you can fly away to distant lands. For now, enjoy being a kid. You're going to miss it one day!

Maybe Birdman right, but I no give petroleum away for nothing. What you barter with?

He's a kid. What could he possibly want? Hey, remember the box description? Maybe a toy would do. The box itself isn't enough, but what else have we got...



Chi's been carrying the chopsticks and coins since forever. It's about time they were used. Let's put the chopsticks through the box.



And now we attach the coins, which have this convenient opening in their center...



Tada!





We've got gas!







If for some reason you never enter the telegraph office, Kubla will show up here with a paper and Lucky will have the same monologue about going to Paris via Istanbul. However, since the telegraph was never sent, this will slightly affect a future conversation (though not in any significant way).









Notice we now have a new party member!

The whole kathmandu is a dialog mini game. I was quite disappointed with this section when I was young. Combine that with my poor english, it was a struggle to complete.

Screw Shepard, that woman is a true EXTREME one. It would be fun if she also was a playable character, too bad she isn't.

So, Shepard is part Nepalese I guess.

DAY FIVE: ISTANBUL



On the flight to Istanbul, we get to see the budding romance between Lucky and Kate.



I wonder if he likes me.

He did stop in to see how I was doing. And, am I imagining things, or did he wink at me? Hmm.

Oh, Kate, quit behaving like an immature schoolgirl! What do you care if someone like that notices you?

He's obviously a ruffian and a philandering lady's man!

No, Kate Lomax is far too sensible to fall for someone like Jake Masters!

Oh... my, I feel light-headed all of a sudden... must be the altitude.

And it's sort of warm in here, too... poor ventilation....

He is awfully cute.



Her cheeks have good color, her eyes are shining and that body... well, it's looking pretty darn perky!

And, boy, she's loving you, Lucky, you stud you!

She was just lying there and staring at me like I was some Greek love god or something.

I BET she was undressing me with her eyes!

Holy cow, it's getting hot in here! What I'd give for a cold shower right now!

What I'd give for a cold shower with Kate right now!!!

Wheww!!!

I shall once again leave the dialog uncommented.













And we're there! On the way out of the plane, we get this fun little exchange.

Here, take this.

What are you giving me this for?

Just take it.

Look, Mr. Masters! If you think you can just...

Good gracy!!! I'm just giving you some cash in the event of an emergency.

Oh... sorry.

Sheesh! Women!

As it turns out, this is not Lucky's smartest move, though the reason will only become obvious in the bonus update that I will do after finishing the game.



Note Chi taking a nap next to the Yankee Eagle.

Remember we're here to refuel on the way to Paris? Let's get some fuel and then get going before whatever ominous event Lucky's been hinting at since Kathmandu comes to pass.



I am not authorized to sell you any fuel without the airport manager present.

Why not?

He has the keys to the pump.

Oh. I see. Do you have any idea when he'll be back?

He should be back in a few hours....

Couldn't we work something out? I'm willing to make it worth your while.

You insult my integrity, American pig! However, I will trade 75 gallons of aviation gasoline from my personal aeroplane for 50 American dollars and your woman.

WHAT?!

You swine! Lucky would never stoop to such a thing! Right, Lucky?



RIGHT, LUCKY!!

Uh, er, yeah! I mean of course I wouldn't.

She's gotta be worth at least 100 gallons....

Well then, we have no further business. Good day.

Maybe we should call my father.

Yeah, right.

Since you've rescued me you might be in a better position to renegotiate your contract with him....

Hey buddy! Know where there's a phone around here?

There's a public phone in the British officers' club in the city.

Thanks.



Alright then, let's head into the city.







This totally isn't an indication that things are about to get nasty.



On the way into Istanbul, we stop by a fruit market.

Hmm, what's this? It looks good!

Never mind! I want to get into town and see the city! Istanbul has been the crossroad between Eastern and Western civilizations for centuries.

Well then, it'll probably be there 10 minutes from now!

You're always thinking with your stomach! Come on, let's go!

We will come back to this stall later on. For now let's push into the city.







Let me go! I won't tell you where Bird-man went.



Kubla's a true bro, but we get ratted on by the merchant anyway. Where'a Ama when you need her!



The right exit leads to the train station, which is currently pointless because the ticket seller is out on his lunch break. Going towards the palace is a VERY bad idea, as it will precipitate events and we'll miss on the opportunity to call Lomax. So, let's head right.



Let's chat to the friendly merchant first.

Hello, can I help you?

Yeah. Where is the nearest phone?

It is located in the Tavern at the end of this street.

Thanks!

You are welcome.

Let's head into the Officers' Club then. Unfortunately Kate can't accompany us in there ("gentlemen's" club and all that) so Lucky heads in by himself.





You can see the phone booth right there, but there's no hotspot to use it, so let's ask the barman.



Pleasure is having a dame do your laundry.

In before Melissan.

Yes. Would patron like other pleasure?



The third option isn't as funny as you think (the response is pretty boring), and the first one will be explored in the bonus update. Let's pick the second one for now.

Yes. Here you are, sir.



Yeah, I want to place a call to a Mr. E.A. Lomax... his office number. And reverse the charges! The name is Masters.

No, I'M Masters, and I'm trying to REACH Lomax! Sheesh!

Yes, I'll hold.



The name's lucky.

What the hell are you doing in Kathmandu? Is Kate there with you? Let me talk to her.

We're in Istanbul now, and no, Kate is not here with me. She's out meandering.

Meandering? Why did you let her out of your sight, you good for nothing bum?!! What the hell do you think you're getting payed for?!!

And, damn it, what are you doing in Istanbul?!

Listen, Lomax, your daughter is doing fine only because of my heroic feats, so pipe down!

As for the change in itinerary, we had to go to Kathmandu to get Kate a poison antidote.

Poison! What the...

I said she was fine, and she is!

We're in Istanbul just to refuel, and then we'll meet you in Paris. I read about the problems in Hong Kong.

Okay, that makes sense. I can live with Paris.



And we're now at one of the most important dialog branches in the game. How this conversation goes WILL have an effect on the ending. As should be very, very obvious by now, Lomax isn't just a shrewd businessman; he's also not above dirty tricks (very dirty tricks) to get what he wants (remember the introduction; he burned down Lucky's sampan and there are heavy hints he arranged for Lucky's secretary to run away with all the company's profits just so he could have him at his complete mercy). Therefore, there's absolutely no reason to think he'll stick to his end of the deal. And since he has all of Lucky's planes, the only way Lucky doesn't come out screwed anyway is to get back all the planes. There are various ways to negociate with him, but very few truly give you the upper hand. The way the conversation goes is also affected by whether you bothered to telegraph him from Kathmandu. The key is to negociate as aggressively as possible, and hey, if he's not above dirty tricks, why should we be?

Oh, is that right? And just how much are you raising your free, Mr. Negotiator?



Grabbing and squeezing, are you? Well you can forget it, Masters!

I'm not giving you a penny more than $20,000 plus 1 plane and 5 grand to bring Kate safely to Paris.



As I said, aggressive negociation. This isn't your typical bartering; show any sign of weakness and Lomax will immediately take advantage of it.

Stick it?! Who the hell do you think you are, you two-bit punk!

Lucky Jake Masters, the man presently in possession of that cute little tart, Kate Lomax.

If you so much as lay a hand on her, Masters!

$150,000, 10 planes and 25 grand for delivery. Meet us on the top of the Eiffel, noon, day after tomorrow.

Yeah, okay, Masters. You've just made yourself a deal.





We're done here, so let's get Lomax and get out of Istanbul!





... or maybe not.



OH!

Don't worry, you'll be better off without this piece of garbage, Miss!



And we now have exclusive control of Kate Lomax! Let's see what she's carrying.



Not much, though that locket could be useful.





First things first, we need some local currency, as American dollars aren't of much use in Istanbul. Let's get into the nearest shop and see about that.









Yep, Lucky's not in good shape. That's the kind of trouble your penis gets you into, people. You should all be getting your inspiration from Crispy.



Back to Kate. Let's talk to Kasim the merchant.



Have you wares to sell? Have you needs to buy? Kasim take care of all who enter his door!

How can I be of serice to you?



Well we do have something to sell, so let's show him the locket.

Do you deal in fine jewelry?

Does camel have humps? Of course! It is my specialty!

I have this jewel-encrusted locket. It's a priceless family heirloom.

Hmm... let me see. Is not good time to sell, market flooded with lockets at this time.

Well, you could at least take a look at it.

Of course.

Hmm... how much do you want for it?



Now this is your good old bartering. Acting like a tyipcal foreigner gets you nowhere, and being too meek will get you a pretty low price. So let's use every bartering trick: we know he wants to buy, and so we act as laconic as possible without closing off the door entirely.

Don't be too hasty, fine salesman like Kasim can always sell good merchandise, even in tight market. I offer 75 sheckels.



Once again, not too aggressive, and not too meek.

Kasim's wife beat him for this, but I offer 105 sheckels.



That's the best offer you can get, so we'll take it.

Excellent.

Is there anything else I can interest you in, miss?

A Bedouin sitar, perhaps, or how about a nice hacksaw? Kasim is also having special on pre-owned turbans, or if you like, Kasim fix you up with nice hookah.



We'll be back later on, but for now we need to turn this modest investment into something more interesting.

A pleasure to do business with you. Good Day.



... and this is where we do it.





Would you like to try your skill at an honest game of chance?



The shell game is a small minigame that you need to play, because you need more than 105 sheckels to get through Istanbul. How easy or hard it is entirely depends on your CPU speed (or DOSBox cycles in today's age), as there is no hard cap on how quickly the shells move.

Excellent.

The game is very simple. I will hide the pea under one of these shells and the young miss will try to guess where it ends up.

How much do you wish to bet?

Bets can go as high as 150 sheckels. We only have 105 at the moment, but we can still go above that. This is what Mohmar says if you do.



And this is what happens should you lose.



But I'm broke. Can't I have another loan?

No sense throwing good sheckels after bad sheckels!

Only way Mohmar get money back is to sell Kate to nabob.

Wait, you can't just...

Sorry golden-haired one, but business is business!







We can't have any of that, so we reload the game and bet more responsibly make sure we do not lose.



Keep eye on pea...





Mohmar will not only talk to distract you, but he'll also stop moving the shells at one point, then quickly resume moving when you think he's stopped for good and aren't paying attention anymore. The key is to just always keep your eyes on the shell with the pea.









And this is another of his tricks (almost cheating). As you pick a shell, he'll quickly switch two of the shells, one of which may or may not have the pea. In this particular case, it does.



So we change our mind and pick the new position of the shell with the pea.







Yeah! I won!

To see your bosom heave in such a way dulls the pain of my loss!

How much you wish to bet?

Now that we've got more money, full speed ahead and pick the highest bet!



Keep eye on pea...

Once again we go through the whole pea-shuffling business.







You sure that one you want?

As before Mohmar shifts two shells. This time the pea's under the third one, so we just confirm our pick.









And that's it. Mohmar won't play anymore. Not that it matters, because Kate is now filthy rich and can afford everything she needs.



Next update: Kate saves the day! Take that, male chauvinist pigs!

Too bad about the lack of Chi. But I suppose a ninja won't be too useful in a place like this.

I was quite surprised as well with the absence of Chi when I played this part. It seems like his skills could be much more useful when it comes to rescuing Lucky.

DAY FIVE: THE GREAT ESCAPE (WITH A TWIST!)

(the twist is that this time it's Kate who's all-out and Lucky is the damsel in distress)

Now that Kate is filthy rich, it's time to gather everything needed to bust Lucky out. Unfortunately, as has been pointed out, Chi isn't available, even though it would make sense for him to be involved. You just can't find him. If you go back to the airport, the Eagle is there, but no Chi. No explanation is ever given for this.



So let's go back to the market. Notice there's a new guy next to the camels. We'll be with him in a minute, but for now let's get an orange.



Oops.



Hey look, it's Andhaira!



This is one of the few instances in the game where you can get into a dead end without warning. So let's pick the nice option.

I didn't mean to do that. Allow me to assist you.

NO!

I mean, it not proper place for beautiful lady.

You're a very charming young man. Will you accept some money to pay for the damage?

You are most generous, but I cannot accept payment for an act of Allah.

I am called Hakim, please to let me assist beautiful lady in any way.

My name is Katherine, and I am very pleased to meet you, Hakim.

Pleasure is mine, Kat-treen.

I feel badly for making a mess of your oranges.

Won't you let me purchase something to make up for your loss?

Like that flower, for instance?

Aaahhh. That is rare and beautiful flower. Will not sell at any price.

But if beautiful Katreen like, Hakim will gladly give.

I can't accept a gift from you. I'm the one who tipped the cart!

Please! It is Allah's will. That is why cart tip.

Then I thank you.

You are welcome, Katreen.

And Katreen, please be on guard in the city. Many who would take advantage of foreigner there.

We noticed

Good-bye Hakim.

Good-bye Katreen.





Next, let's talk to the camel merchant.



Well... I think I might like to buy a camel.

Of course, this being an adventure, anything you can get your hands on is likely to be useful at some later time.

You come to right place! For pretty lady Acayib offer "Caravan Special." Buy five camels, get sixth camel free!

I can't imagine how I could possibly use more than one.

I see. Then Acayib offer you his finest camel for 200 Sheckels.

200 Sheckels will just about clean me out. I think that's a bit much.

It is fair market price for camel. Acayib even throw in free water gourds.



Contrary to expectations, Acayib is actually honest. But with some bartering we can still get a better price. As with Kasim, you've got to barter, but not too aggressively. Or start by being aggressive then go a little more mellow.

50 Sheckels?! You insult me!

My camels are the best you will find! Tough, hardy, and bred for the desert!



Then I make you the generous price of 100 sheckels.

I can live with that. I'll buy it.



Now let's go back to Kasim's shop and see what he's got for sale.



That turban is fine example of Turkish craftsmanship. Sturdy and well built, it not only functional but fashionable too.

I sell you turban for 20 sheckels.



Remember what I said about all items you can get being useful? I lied. This item is useless.



That sitar one of finest examples of its kind. Price is 60 sheckels.



So is this one.



Ah. That hookah give you many years of exccellent service. It's a real bargain at 40 sheckels.



And that one.



Ahh, the lady has an eye for quality. It handyman's best friend, no?

I sell it to you for 50 sheckels.





This, on the other hand, is indeed our best friend.



Time to head towards the palace.



Maybe we can convince the guard to let the Nabob grant Kate an audience and free Lucky? (yeah, fat chance)



State your business.

I'd like an audience with the nabob.

His highness is very busy. He cannot see you today, come back in three months.

THREE MONTHS!!! I can't wait that long!

I simply MUST see the nabob. My friend is being held in the palance.

Was this "friend" of yours by any chance captured this morning in the city?

Yes, his name is Jake Masters and...

... AND you should be thankful you'll never see him again.

What are you talking about! I'm sure this is all just a small misunderstanding and we can work it all out if I can just get in to see the nabob.

There is no misunderstanding. The man you speak of has committed serious crimes against the state and gravely insulted the royal family!

What?!

You do not know? Truly this man is a pig! It is a pity the nabob did not permit him to be executed!

What did he do? Kill someone?

Pah! If it were only something so minor. He disgraced the royal princess!

Oh. I think I'm beginning to get the picture.

What a vile man! Since he was last here the princess has shut herself up in her chambers and done nothing except cry and eat chocolates.

Can nothing be done?

I assure you, we are doing everything in our poewr to preserve the honor of the princess.

That's not what I meant...

Evem as we speak, our highly efficient prison staff is vigourosly encouraging Mr. Masters to "voluntarily" take the honorable course of action and marry the nabob's daughter.

So you see miss, you are much better off without this "Jake Masters."

Phoo! Yuck! Even speaking his name leaves an unpleasant taste upon my lips!

I would still very much like to see the nabob on this matter.

That simply is not possible. I suggest you go about your business young miss.

There goes that plan.



Well well, there's an exit towards the back of the palace. Let's have a look.



Meet Almira, my second favorite character after Ama. Warning: bizarre conversation ahead.



It looks like a young girl.

What does she want?

Hello, madam, my name is Kate Lomax. A friend of mine has been taken by the nabob's men!

Ah, she speaks again my pretties! But not very wisely!

Well Katelomax, I am Almira and THESE are my pretties!

Er, um, pleased to meet you.







Aha! So he's the one who disgraced the nabob's daughter!

I'm afraid so.

He certainly isn't.

Isn't what?

LUCKY! HAH! AH! AH! ACK! SNORT!

Oh... aha... whew... that was a good one! Wasn't it, my pretties!

While it would've made more sense to talk to Almira before collecting all the items to bust Lucky, that would've skipped this joke, which I absolutely wanted you to see.

Has anyone ever told you that you have an odd sense of humor?

NO! Why do you ask?

No reason.

Eh? What's that, my pretties!

Why yes, you're right! Katelomax could get her man out of the palace if we helped her.

What do you mean?

We know of many things which transpire inside the walls of the nabob's palace, don't we my pretties?!

We might even know where your young man is being held!

Lucky! You know where Lucky is! Tell me! PLEASE!

What's that you have there?

What? Do you mean this flower?

LOOK my pretties! Its a pseudo-epidymal angiosperm! Persemmia algorithmyia to be exact!

If you give it to us we will help you, won't we my pretties?!



What does it matter? We want them! Please give them to us!



It's not as if we're going to find any other use for a rare flower in Istanbul.





Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Your young man is being held in a cell on the other side of this wall.

OH!

But it's not going to be easy for her to get in there, is it my pretties?

You said you would help me!

And help you we shall, but we can't do everything!

You must find something to cut through the bars with.

Like what?

Some acid, perhaps. We prefer a mixture of HCl and H2SO4 ourselves. Goes through iron like it was butter.

Or you could use dynamite... of course you'd probably have to scrape your boyfriend off the far wall with a spatula.

That's not exactly what I had in mind.

I bet I could cut through those bars with this hacksaw.

Well, yes, but we still think dynamite would add a nice dramatic touch to the whole affair.

You will need a means of escape . . . Do you have a motor car?

I'm afraid not . . .

What a shame, It's a wonderful way to travel.

What about the camel I have with me.

WELL, it's not a motorcar but I suppose it would do in a pinch.

It appears that I have everything I need.

But I can't reach the window by myself, could you help me move the cart?

Ack! To work then my pretties! Heave-ho let's go!

Thank you for all your help, Almira!

You're welcome. Now get going! You won't have much time before the nabob's guards are after you.

Action cutscene time!









"Hang there"... get it?



Look, can we talk about this at another time?



Move your butt, Masters!



I'm sure it could if I dumped your sorry ass on the ground!

Yeah, she's pissed.



The gift of the camel is most welcome, but I am more blessed just to behold you again.

You are such a charming man, Hakim.

Yes, Hakim... simply charming of you.

Watch it, Masters!

What? I happen to like the kid. Can't I compliment him, too?

Anyway, I don't see anyone following us. And, in these crowded streets, we should be safe.

Not for long.

By the way, that was awfully nice of you giving the camel to Hakim.

What a wonderful gesture!

Don't bother trying to get on my good side, Mr. Masters.

What ever do you mean?

Stop the act. You know very well what I'm talking about.



There are a few ways to get back on Kate's good side, but for now we'll let her stay mad at Lucky.

For the time being, keep your mouth closed.

What?

You heard me. I'm not interested in talking with you right now.

Great.

You asked.



If you want to look at it that way, that's your choice.

I consider it a good sign that you cared enough to ask me what I wanted.

Humph.

We should leave now. Let's make our way back to the airport and find Chi.

Okay.









Uh-oh. Palace guards are after us already.



Run back to the plane!



Alright! Let's just get Chi and-









He's gone, Kate. We can only save ourselves.

Now come on! We've got to get the hell out of here!

That is an excellent idea. If you wait too long to do that:









We reload and run like hell back towards the city.









Great. We've got the palace guards running one way, Tong and his men the other. Maybe we can go hide in the British Officers' Club for a while?





As a British officer it is my duty to report sighting you to the authorities. However, the timing of the report is another matter.

In any case, it is highly advisable for you to leave Istanbul immediately by the most expedient means at your disposal.

Nope, doesn't work. And if you waste too much time, the palace guards eventually catch up.









Reloading, we consider our options. We can't hide anywhere in the city, we can't go back to the airport... only way out is the train station!





And this is it. Let's get a ticket and get the hell out of Istanbul.



We'd like to book a cabin, one way to Paris.

Fine, monsieur. That will be four $400 please.

Yeah, I got confused too, but it's just $400.



Now is REALLY not the time to argue about money...

Very good, sir. Four hundred dollars, please.



Merci beaucoup, monsieur. Have a pleasant journey.



Let's get on the train before everyone that's after us catches up!





The reason for this branching will be explained in the bonus update.



Note the lone horseman riding after the train!

Alright, we've made our escape in the nick of time, yet again! Next stop, Paris and the end of the adventure!

Looks like Andhaira is a lot more charming than we give him credit for. However....


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- They killed Chi ?!?!?!?!?! Inexcusable. What is this bullshit ?




To the fallen.

So, your two favorite characters are a woman so angry that even a dictator fears her, plus another woman mad as a hatter but also highly intelligent?? In any case, the lp continues to be highly entertaining, too bad it's going to end .

No way you can just kill Chi by blowing up a plane!

This game does have a wonderful cast of characters. Keep em coming.

I think the dialog pic would make for a great variant with DISCUSS!!! written inside the text box.

Of course. I mean, Kate is also a pretty cool character, but Ama's just great. And don't forget she CARRIED Chi and Kate through the snnow, all the way to her house. You've gotta admire that. Though I admit I'm not too keen on marriage, considering she likes to snap her husband so much...

DAY SIX: THE LAST EXPRESS







Welcome to the Orient Express! This screen has one of my favorite music tracks in the game (at least on an MT-32). Notice that the heart icon is frozen blue; this is an indication that the romance between Lucky and Kate is not doing well. Whether this state is fixed or not by the end of the game is one factor that determines what ending you get (the other being whether you managed to negociate a deal with Lomax over the phone).



In a unique twist, you get to pick which side you're on, so to speak. Unfortunately, you don't get to walk around the train or do anything in it; it's just another dialog sequence. And it doesn't matter which side you pick, the outcome is eventually the same. However, the conversation naturally goes in very different directions depending on who you control and what you make them say, and both give some interesting depth to the characters.



The other branch is, of course, playing the sequence as Kate.



Yeah.

Have you ever travelled by train before?

No, strictly foot and wings.

Oh.. how are we going to let my father know what happened?

At the next stop, I'll send a telegram.

Okay. Thank you.

I wish you would stop drinking.

Yeah, well we don't always get our wishes, do we?

I can't tell you how sorry I am about... Chi. I know you two were close friends.

He was my... friend. OH, SCREW THIS!

Please!

You know, you're really something...

You sit there, shooting the breeze, pretending like nothing's wrong...

But I can tell what's going on here... the way you're looking at me...

I mean, my best friend in the world just...

Look at you what way?

Don't play dumb with me, sister.

I can tell you're all steamed up about what happened in Istanbul.

Up to this point the conversation plays out identically regardless of who you pick. This is where it diverges. If you're playing Kate, you get to pick what she answers, and none of the options matches what she says next if playing as Lucky.

Actually, I was worried about you, about what you were feeling... and I was concerned about your health.

You haven't had a decent meal in days, and here you are filling yourself with booze.

But since you chose to bring up the subject, I do have a few things I'd like to say.

The fact is I saved your life? Why? I don't know. Men who treat women like playthings deserve to dangle from chains!



There are two sure-fire ways to fuckup this scene. One is to insult Kate directly (there's several ways; some are quite funny), the other is to keep acting as the arrogant self-centered Lucky that you've been seeing here and there since the beginning of the game. Since we want a good ending, we'll avoid these paths, and just maneuver the conversation by staying on the defensive.

That is so like a man to say that!

What do you mean by that?

Men! Humph! You disavow responsibility for your actions to justify your making rabbits look discreet!



And when I said "defensive", I meant only until you can go back on the offensive (but remember, no insulting!)

I didn't mean to offend you. I'm sorry.... It's just that you always hear about mean like you...

Right, hear.

I said I was sorry. Don't be so tetchy!



You can probably see where this is heading...

There's just something about you... you pique my... oh, I don't know what it is.



Yep, the traditional "we're constantly at each others' throats, therefore we secretly like each other!"

Can you imagine? I mean, you know...

Sparks sure would fly!

And pots and pans...

and books and champagne bottles.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Never a dull moment!

No, that for sure!.... But, you know, it almost should be like that, sort of, you know....

I couldn't agree more.



To never a dull moment.

Once again Lucky proves that women really are all over him!





Uh-oh. And so are some men apparently... and this one is NOT here for an enjoyable experience...





Uhhh!

In case it's not obvious, Lucky's tearing one of the supports to use as a weapon.



Yep, another arcade sequence! Unlike the tank, this one's no fun. You need to keep hitting Tong and forcing him back until the last train cart.



If your ferocity is high (as he hits you) you push him back more. If your fatigue gets too high, you can decrease it by resting, but this also decreases ferocity.



On high difficulty this is a really annoying arcade. It's also affected by CPU speed, so decreasing cycles seems to make it easier. On low difficulty it's just a matter of mashing the attack button until you win, which can actually take a while.



In this one you can see Tong is at the edge of the cart, which means one more hit will get him to jump to the next one (and Lucky will follow)





And the reason you need to duck is that the tunnel entrance and exit will knock you off otherwise.



And we've finally pushed Tong onto the last cart, so it's cutscene time!









Do NOT ask me how or why it got released.















Uhh.









And once again, don't ask me why the now-detached cart, which should just decelerate until the friction makes it stop in the middle of the track, ends up EXPLODING.

But who cares!



Wow!

Not bad!





Notice the heart is now all red and warmed up! Which means, in case the kiss didn't tip you off, that all's well between our protagonists. On to Paris! (without further interruptions I hope...)



And we're there! Though Paris is in some ways even worse than the Orient Express, as it's completely non-interactive.





Time for our ending! Let's see what our choices with Lomax and kate have brought.



Princess! Thank God, you're safe!







I'm not paying up now, Masters! And as for our deal, we'll discuss certain adjustments later, understand?!

Father, you're not going to manipulate my future husband like you do your customers. I simply won't stand for it!

"Future husband"? I have the feeling Lomax is NOT going to like this...



Nope, definitely doesn't.



Not that it matters

Come on, Lucky, let's go.

Yeah, okay.... Thanks for what you said.

You can thank me later, okay?

Kate! I didn't mean what I said. Can't we talk about this? I'll have a check drawn up for Lucky first thing in the morning.





What can I say?

I mean, I feel the same way.

Congratulations! You got the girl AND the money and planes back! Sigh, if only Chi were still alive...



Must be room service.

THE DOOR IS OPEN!





Oh my god!



I mean come on folks, you seriously thought he'd died?



We Ninja's bend but do not break.

You're something else, Chi! And what a surprise!

You think I let you put check in mail...

or jelly-filled?

Check, maybe, but jelly-filled? Never!

To good friends.

And great lucky.

Ya got that right, partner.







Thank you for your attention and kind comments! However, while this is the end of the game, IT IS NOT THE END OF THIS LP! I will be posting a bonus update soon showing the three alternate endings, as well as some extra fun stuff about the game.

salute: for the update



It exploded thanks to the power of (EXTREME) LOVE!!!





The second reply is too hilarious to ignore.




And this one is a textbook example of PURE RAGE!!

Chi survived !! Lucky got the girl !! And the money !! I'm so happy, I could cry. But I'll salute you instead.