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Inactive Let's Play Europa Universalis III: Jerusalem Sancta
- Thread starter Cassidy
- Start date
Infantryman
Scholar
Glory to the Empress and curse upon her foes! Death to the heretics, French race traitors and machete gang rapists!
It appears that increasing stability by a notch is taking decades to accomplish. This is the greatest annoyance of EU3 when managing a large empire - a single random, and seemingly insignificant for the vast empire event may mess everything up beyond repair. I salute your valiant efforts to keep it from falling apart despite the treason and the heresy.
It appears that increasing stability by a notch is taking decades to accomplish. This is the greatest annoyance of EU3 when managing a large empire - a single random, and seemingly insignificant for the vast empire event may mess everything up beyond repair. I salute your valiant efforts to keep it from falling apart despite the treason and the heresy.
LusciousPear
Savant
brosterminatus
Cassidy
Arcane
HAERESIS!!!
=======================
Haters gonna hate, but this song has everything to do with this update and the Emprehss being properly grimdark rather than a Disney Princess.
Woman of Dark Desires
Sine Exitus ad Traditores
There is no escape for traitors, and no escape for the heathen scum daring to invite such traitors to defect to them. Banten will be given no mercy. The Empress was resolute in making an example of this as a warning to the rest of would-be traitors and opportunist heathen kingdoms, a show of power, a show of punishment without limits, without mercy, and most importantly, an opportunity to take a greater share of the spice trade.
When Banten fell, the direct orders from the Empress were clear and without room for interpretation: slaughter half of the entire godless population of Banten, and from the remaining, blind half and cut off the hands of the other half, because these filthy thieves and subhuman apes stole the territory of the Imperium through deceit rather than honorable war. And their pathetic heathen king was captured as well. Suffice to say, being skinned and then thrown into a pool filled with salt was the least terrible thing that was done to such a honorless farm animal before his agonizing death finally came.
EXTERMINATIS HERETICA ET INFIDELIA!
DEUS VULT!
But excessive cruelty was a double-edged sword, as much likely it was to put fear in the hearts of the traitors, it also could drive them to a fight without fear of death, and that is exactly how things went wrong in spite of this Banten being a bunch of backwards savage heathens.
But Jerusalem was ready for any setback. Reinforcements were deployed and crushed the heathen forces, already demoralized from witnessing the sentence given to their capital for their deceitful and honorless seizing of Makassar. Delays happened due to the troops having to exterminate the occasional rebel traitor along the way, but nothing that would stop their great victory.
Half of their entire forces was wiped out, and it was a matter of time for the other half to share the same fate and join the pyre of farm animal subhuman tranny degenerate mutant bodies.
DEUS VULT!
Seriously?
The conquest of the heathen lands proceeded, with the trading city of Malacca being seized and all merchants, being a bunch of deceitful towelheads with slanted eyes, also joined the pyre of the unclean. Suffer not the traitor, the heretic and the heathen.
Every time Jerusalem goes to war makes me wish for a proper REMOVE KEBAB decision, and of course, a DEATH TO ISLAM!!! decision, that gives more infamy than settlement or conversion but can be done at any time and works.
The disease continues, the armies of Jerusalem suffering to stop it from spreading, more thousands dying to crush the traitors and heretics, but they seem as endless as the whispers of Satan which turn decent people during their moments of weakness and temptation into such dregs who don't deserve even the air they breathe. And once the disease infects someone, the only cure is death.
The first son of the Empress Maria II is fated to become a great general and a decent ruler and diplomat, the future of the empire thus is secured.
Seriously, I'd kill for a "Final Solution to the Arab Question" decision at this point of rebel popamole shit.
HERESY! can be called the new Black Death of Jerusalem, a plague that spans all across the empire and beyond, for the demonic legions of puppets are almost infinite in numbers, and deemed completely expendable to the puppeteer demons behind this. This is a far worse plague than the Black Death, for while the latter damns the body, HERESY! corrupts the soul and increase the already vast legions of Hell.
Alas, it was deeper than that, but the truth is like a hall of mirrors inside Prosperland. Some people reminisced a certain coincidence about the two female rulers of Jerusalem, besides the fact they were quite lookalikes despite being from totally different lineages. Because none of the male emprahs could be compared in the degree of mercilessness and cruelty towards the enemies of the Empire, while the Empress was rapidly building up the same divided reputation of the one the enemies of Jerusalem call the "Blood Queen".
And this all leads to a particularly obscured kind of HERESY! that is a bit less annoying than the Satan worship that plagued the Empire since the Horus Heresy. Very few heard the dangerous words and claims, but those who did can't waver them, no matter how insane and far-fetched. This HERESY! claims that Sibylla and Maria II are the same person, and now part of a secret cabal of monsters. It is said Sibylla reneged God after losing a child and was cursed to wander the world forever as a blood-drinking v EXTRA HERESY! *BLAM* *BLAM* *BLAM* THIS IS ALL OBVIOUSLY A FABRICATION OF THE HEATHENS AND HERETICS AND TRAITORS AND ALL ENEMIES OF JERUSALEM TO TRY SMEARING THE DIVINE NATURE OF THE EMPIRE! MARIA II GREW UP FROM CHILDHOOD TO ADULTHOOD NEXT TO HUNDREDS OF WITNESSES TO CONFIRM IT, PLUS SHE JUST HAD HER FIRST SON. THIS IS BOTH RIDICULOUS AND HERESY!
New Palestine was established in the far south to contain the colonial expansion of the British in North Lheria, and the borders of the Crusader colony are now finally taking a more definite shape. Most of the inland remains unknown however, but right now, there is still land to colonize, so exploring inland is not exactly a priority.
Royal Marriages are secured to ensure the maintenance of legitimacy in spite of the instability of the Empire.
A dangerous bunch of traitors become the next eyesore in this land of heathens and filth. Their impaled and agonizing bodies now left in thousands of stakes, many still alive and screaming or moaning in despair as they learn what happens to those who are heretics, heathens AND traitors at the same time. Plus five hundred inhabitants are randomly chosen to be slaughtered in public as a demonstration that, if they continue this road of dishonor, treason and cowardice, they will have their due treatment as the chocolate Jews they are.
In spite of all internal problems with HERESY!, the crushing of Banten continued, and soon their demise would be final. All left now was to take back Makassar.
But first, the Empress declared that all niggers must be exterminated for the GREATER GOOD, the profits of slavery be damned, of course, in the colonies, such order was mostly ignored, although it still inspired some Kool Krusader Korps to perform their duty to the Empress.
The crippling instability of the Empire had a relief in May of 1620, as finally, the Church proclaimed Sibylla von Hohenzollern, the first Queen of Jerusalem, as a Saint, and these news served to put away many doubt and fears, and to bury them forever.
The Empire grew bitter and merciless from having to put down a million HERESY! While once there was a degree of mercy, now there is only slaughter, torture and cruelty without limits to those to dare to defy the Imperium as a warning to the rest. The Great Genocide of Southeast Asia, as historians would later call what would happen in the region, was the final consequence of all the betrayal the Empire has faced, being driven into raw, irrational hatred against entire peoples deemed maggots, subhumans and alike by the average person in the Empire. The Empress considered the atrocities totally justified, because millions(perhaps in a hyperbole) already died because of mass HERESY! in the Imperium and the life of a faithful and loyal subject of the Empire is worth one million subhuman heathen traitor lives.
And then, at last, in August of 1620, Makassar was retaken. As a show of "mercy", the entire population of the island, rather than exterminated, was enslaved forever, because surely they don't deserve to be free men if the only thing they will do as such would be to act like dishonorable traitors. Some were randomly chosen as well, to be whipped seven hundred times during near the entirety of the year, and one thousand of the heathens in Makassar were sorted to be impaled, which is quite tame compared to what happened in the other Spice Islands of heathens and scum. Only the inhabitants who voluntarily converted to Christianity, a minority persecuted by the Muslim farm animals of Banten, were spared of the fates the majority now were put into.
The Empress does not forgive
The Empress does not forget
THE EMPRESS PROTECTS
DEUS VULT!
Infantryman
Scholar
NOTHING CAN HIDE FROM THE WRATH OF THE EMPRESS
Considering you've already killed gazillions of heretics in Egypt, the whole place should have become a lifeless wasteland by now. It is most unfortunate Paradox failed to address the issue of some remote provinces producing hundreds of thousands of rebels. So far, the matter was resolved in the smartest way in Victoria 1 - every POP had its own revolt risk, and once you engaged the rebel army, the POP size was reduced proportionally to the casualties the units it spawned had taken. Thus, after few extinguished revolts in the province, the troublemaker population was wiped out
.
Considering you've already killed gazillions of heretics in Egypt, the whole place should have become a lifeless wasteland by now. It is most unfortunate Paradox failed to address the issue of some remote provinces producing hundreds of thousands of rebels. So far, the matter was resolved in the smartest way in Victoria 1 - every POP had its own revolt risk, and once you engaged the rebel army, the POP size was reduced proportionally to the casualties the units it spawned had taken. Thus, after few extinguished revolts in the province, the troublemaker population was wiped out
.
Infantryman
Scholar
Why hasn't anyone else commented on another glorious chapter of this prestigious LP? Bros, I'm disappoint.
:declining:
:declining:
Cassidy
Arcane
The lack of comments is a good thing.
Because this game reached a point where I almost threw my screen out of the window in frustration, and I'm considering to give this up. Seriously:
100+ rebel forces SHOWING UP NONSTOP;
Scandinavia declaring war once every year, dragging Glyphwright with it and neither side achieving anything;
Inflation Skyrocketing and if I disband enough military to not need minting Jerusalem will just get raped;
And because it can't stop getting more rage-inducing, stability hitting events happening way too often;
Might as well LP Stalin vs. Martians for this.
*Edit: AND that is it. This unfortunately reached a state where it is literally unplayable without cheating or being a complete masochist. Therefore, to put it briefly what would happen anyway:
Heresy and treason utterly destroyed Jerusalem, which broke apart into countless heretical and unclean kingdoms. And then, when the Heretics took the Holy City, an old man looked at the fleeing emperor, at the carnage of the heretical, at the bloodshed, and concluded:
"JERUSALEM AND GOD ARE DEAD"
THE END
Because this game reached a point where I almost threw my screen out of the window in frustration, and I'm considering to give this up. Seriously:
100+ rebel forces SHOWING UP NONSTOP;
Scandinavia declaring war once every year, dragging Glyphwright with it and neither side achieving anything;
Inflation Skyrocketing and if I disband enough military to not need minting Jerusalem will just get raped;
And because it can't stop getting more rage-inducing, stability hitting events happening way too often;
Might as well LP Stalin vs. Martians for this.
*Edit: AND that is it. This unfortunately reached a state where it is literally unplayable without cheating or being a complete masochist. Therefore, to put it briefly what would happen anyway:
Heresy and treason utterly destroyed Jerusalem, which broke apart into countless heretical and unclean kingdoms. And then, when the Heretics took the Holy City, an old man looked at the fleeing emperor, at the carnage of the heretical, at the bloodshed, and concluded:
"JERUSALEM AND GOD ARE DEAD"
THE END
Infantryman
Scholar
Well, that is most unfortunate. I suspect what's killing your empire is extremely high stability cost caused by hundreds of useless provinces it controls. This situation is very similar to the one described in Furious Flaming Faggot's EU3 Magna Mundi LP with Knights of Rhodes he wrote ~2 years ago.
Turns out IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TOTALLY AVOID THE COLLAPSE OF A LARGE MIDDLE EASTERN EMPIRE IN EUROPA UNIVERSALIS 3.
Turns out IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TOTALLY AVOID THE COLLAPSE OF A LARGE MIDDLE EASTERN EMPIRE IN EUROPA UNIVERSALIS 3.
Cassidy
Arcane
I'll start another EU3 LP soon anyway(as soon as imgur stops messing up thumbnails), this time in my favorite mod, Mare Apertum, which is pretty much a considerably improved Magna Mundi Platinum 2 done by copx.
By the way, no poll this time, I'm taking the old challenge again of REMOVE KEBAB FROM THE PREMISES, without ditching ubikebab cheats... which actually become less relevant by late game, and very powerful in early game, which means the ultimate goal is to survive long enough to strike at the worst turk from a position of advantage.
And this time, Serbia shall march into Constantinople by the 18th century or by the beginning of the 19th... or:
By the way, no poll this time, I'm taking the old challenge again of REMOVE KEBAB FROM THE PREMISES, without ditching ubikebab cheats... which actually become less relevant by late game, and very powerful in early game, which means the ultimate goal is to survive long enough to strike at the worst turk from a position of advantage.
And this time, Serbia shall march into Constantinople by the 18th century or by the beginning of the 19th... or:
I've never had the patience to run a full game of EU3, though I've started several. I applaud your perseverence! 
Infantryman
Scholar
I've never had the patience to run a full game of EU3, though I've started several. I applaud your perseverence!
LusciousPear
Savant
Not a bad ragequit bro
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