Let's play Earthbound!! (Completed)

[Brother None]

Meh, seriously, I would really want to do the update in a new page, this one is really clustered, so self-bump.

Really? Are you sure?

 

[lightbane]

Fucking photobucket, nearly 2 hours to get it done

Update 5: Being high, the 3rd sanctuary and Fourside

Welcome back! Ladies and gentlemen! In the last update, the last thing done was defeating Belch, an huge aberration that stunk almost as much as EA’s marketing strategies. Now where we were, we follow the tunnel that the boss was guarding:

“AHHH… DOING! BUURP! BARF! STINKY!! PEUU”
It looks like that our characters aren’t “very clean” precisely, no shit, after fighting a literal sentient mass of crap…

And conveniently the tunnel ends in the previously unreachable part of the Mr Saturn Valley, so I assume that Belch had it very easy to enslave them as when it wanted. Despite being unable to even put a miserable door, the xenos in the left side recommends us to wash in the conveniently placed Hot Spring to purge our “uncleaness”, something we do.

Don’t ask about the clothes (and btw, if someone wonders how they made all of this village despite the apparent lack of prehensile limbs assume they mastered a low level of telekinesis, for your sanity’s sake).
As we attempt to leave, one of the xenos talks to Codex:

”SAY YES TO ME? SAY NO TO ME?”

”Why not? What doesn’t kill me…”
MR Saturn: “BOTTOMS UP! DOING!”

I would advice you to not trust the xenos.

”Oh come on paranoid! It’s just coffee! *drinks* What’s the worse that can happ…?? UURGHH… *collapses*
Told ya so: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foq-MUHpfm8 (NOTE: I tried to upload tthat cursed video like 10 times and couldn't managed to do it, so I'll just post this one made by some else).

”Oh man! What the hell was that shit? I was in a strangely coloured place, and a voice was talking to me… Did I meet God?”
Close, you saw the Narrator, who attempted to describe your journey until now. In any case, let’s pray the hallucinogenic tea you took didn’t have long-term side-effects and we enter the nearby cave… If the Stalking Photographer let us:

The cave, not surprisingly, is the path to another Sanctuary. Because in this bizarro world all of the inside dungeons were copy-pasted I’ll pass to post a pic of these and instead describe the enemies:

Not a bunch of dangerous people, except the Strutting’ Evil Mushroom, that can mushroomize you, something that happens to the poor Jeff. But because we’re true heroes we push further instead of turning back to heal, challenguing the boss with our strange party:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDa-ZAJ3wtI
Well, we’re starting to have a melody here, as you saw, the Emperor was on my side today because despite Jeff could had screwed his companions with his confusion, the party managed to defeat the monster successfully, and received another piece of Codex’s strange flashbacks.
It’s time to return to the village and see if one of the xenos say something inane:

”YOU GOOD NAME! WE NO NAME! DOING. … ALL HAVE SAME NAME!”

That’s what happens when you’re an autistic hivemind of pink-coloured, half-retarded aliens, you don’t have individuality. Later, before continuing our adventure, we wait for Jeff to repair some of the broken stuff I had been collecting until now, receiving these things:

A Laser gun, a better ranged weapon for Jeff (and doesn’t count as a real weapon because it’s “Sci-fi” XP), a Slime generator (can paralize enemies in combat, reusable), and the counter-Psi unit (may prevent the enemy of using psychic attacks, but doesn’t work very frequently); I ordered too several Large pizzas, a food item that heals like 240 hp to all of the party, not bad, we should start walking to Threed then...

Threed’s new theme: http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/threed-free-at-last

The zombie’s source neutralized, the town, previously caged with perpetual darkness, return to his former glory, sieged by a cheery, eternal sunlight. Let’s check if the citizens’ mood changed as well:

”Peace! Love!”

”Who would have ever imagine it?”

”If you actually tried to do something you could had stopped the zombies by yourselves and not have to rely in strangers lazy bastards.”
At least now the new-founded happines of the place was too much for the emo-ghosts and the tunnels are now free, so we can walk back to Twoson if we needed too, but before, let’s annoy/interview more sheeple:

”A share of that treasure ‘share’ would be nice.”
Lame pun. Another one please:

”Wow! What a rush!”
Wisdom: It seems I subestimated the people here, I didn’t know that they even could pronounce these words. Nevertheless, you’re a delusional lardass. Near the tent…

Just when I was starting to miss him, the Stalker reappears once more.

"I decided to come to see my boyfriend… I really shouldn’t have though. ”

”I’m totally bummed, ‘cause I have another girlfriend here in Threed.”

”I think he’s the bees knees, oops, I mean way cool. He used to be in a band.”

PWNED. More inanities:

”after you got some important info from me. He heh heh… You should at least thank me… or how about a shoulder massage… Why are you giving me a such dirty look, you brat? Ptooie!”

Just an asshole trying to take advantage of our party, fortunately Codex may not be very talkative but he isn’t a (complete) retard as like 70% of jrpgs’s main characters. A fun detail is that if you check the circus’s cages and such you will some of the “surviving” zombies and ghosts that were captured. But it’s time to take the bus to Fourside, in theory we still have to save the world and visit the other sanctuaries…
But before, the party backtracks until we’re back in Twoson, there was a man that asked for something he lost in Threed, and we’re returning it for him (in other words, a fetch-quest), the Insignificant Item, that’s what happens when you examine it:

“that cannot be understood by someone who does not use something insignificant.”

??? Better give it back to the original owner:

”Because you’re so kind, I want to give you this Magic truffle. It’s a souvenir from Scarabia.”

Well, we got loot, a rare item that recharges 80 PP to the user, so we quickly store it for later emergences. It’s time to take a bus to Fourside, for real! http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/get-on-the-bus

”It’s up to you if you want to get off he buss and walk around in the desert. Hey, it’s a free country. ”

Lovely, and what’s worse, the jerk doesn’t return us the money we paid him to drive… So now we have to travel the desert with just our feet and dedication: http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/24138
First as always is checking the nearest shop for new thingies:

The original name of most shops was that, drugstore, Nintendo Censorcorps quickly edited it, but for some lulzy reason this one was missed.

”It’s 210$ a night if you want to stay here.”

Hell no.

Lulz, surprisingly honest the vendor was. The priorities are however to buy better gear for our party, buying new weapons for Codex and Black Cat, and selling the useless junk. We buy too a Towel, an item that cures you from Sunstroke, a “disease” you receive randomly due the desert’s scorching sun, it’s another minor variation of the Poison effect.
Walking through the desert, the first thing that’s seen is:

”(Our paradise exists beneath that hole. Talah Rama is great and kind… and he knows everything, Talah Rama does… He made us the underground rooms)”

Odd, let’s check the underground:

”(practicing silent meditaion, he’s also abstaining from anything that would make him sick or smelly too. Please don’t bother him.) ”

My metagaming sense tells me that later we’ll have to return to this place to speak with the Sage. For now we continue moving around the desert, meeting enemies like:

Can poison you (duh)

Hits hard and self-destruct, a dangerous foe.

A pushover.

See above.

Strong and resilient but slow, you should kill it with fire before it charges and targets your weakest member, deals like 90 hp minimal for each attack.

A dingo’s enhanced version, now with poisonous fangs, but not everything is trying to kill you here, there’s of course wacky inanities like:

”But a corpse doesn’t usually wear a bathing suit, right? Hey stop staring at my tan lines… Go away”

”They were a memento from my grandma, and very important to me. If you find them, bring them to me and I’ll give you a reward. I’m Penetella Giovanni. Find me at the Fourside Bakery, second floor.”

Another fetchquest, and rather easy because several steps left to the sign, we catch something shiny:

Other odities are:

”First, someone asked me to dig for buried gold. I began to feel like I was obligated to find it. Man, I’m starving, Do you have any food you can spare?”

Noticing that the miner could be useful later, we give him a random Hamburger and he starts to work. We’ll check his progress in another moment. For now, more things you can find in the desert:

The Headquarters of before, a free resting place with telephone.

”I wanna apologize to the white sesame that I hurt before. ”
More wacky stuff, and incredibly hard to spot because the thing is just a fucking pixel, more creepy however is that the Stalker suddenly appears:

You could miss him if you didn’t checked the sesame thingies, so there are “optional encounters” besides the regular ones..

There is nothing more to see in that place, time to continue the game:

And we’re at Fourside, finally! http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/the-metr ... f-fourside
This place is filled with things to check, such as:

”but it feels as if I shouldn’t be here, maybe it’s your place.”

Foreshadowing…

More shameless self-advertising (and a source of anxiety to fans due the uber-long wait for Mother 3)

”I heard he made a deal with a pure evil entity in exchange for power… You know, stuff like that.”

Heresy detected. Why do you need spies when there are so many relentless gossipers?

”I heard that the Topolla Theater is always full.”

In MOTHER 2 it’s called the Topollo Theater. I’m guessing the localizers made this change because its name was too similar to the famous Apollo Theater in New York.

”If they found the gold, it would be worth a huge amount of money, they’d be able to pay off a million dollar debt very easily. If I were them, I’d go to Japan and live it up!”

We should remember the first lines, it looks like it was important to know. Also, In MOTHER 2, that same guy in Fourside says something like, “…I’d use that money to order three or so pork cutlet meal sets at the Kastuman restaurant in Tokyo!”, a reference to one of Itoi’s (the man after this game), favorite real-world restaurants in Japan.

”unattractive real state agent. Now he has the power to control the police force. I don’t think the city of Fourside is better than before.”

Typical, the heretic was a weak-willed pussy that wanted to have more than he deserved and instead of gaining it with sweat and blood he chosen the easy way. He’ll learn that we don’t have any mercy with blasphemous traitors. Now let’s stop a moment and check the bakery for the sidequest:

IT’S MR. T’S TWIN!! Or something, giving his contact lenses he replies:

”What? You came to deliver my grandma’s memento, the Contact lens?! Thank you, thank you soooo much! It’s our family’s tradition to keep things forever… Okay, I’ll give you something as a reward. Here’s my socks that I use only for special occasions. I’ve worn these socks for just 5 years. There are no holes, and they’re only been worn once since the last washing. They stink a little… but they’re still good. Hey, don’t refuse me here, I’m being generous! Please take good care of my socks… *sniff*”

"… Please tell me that never happened."
I shit you not, look:

An… “interesting” item, you can somehow sell it for 1 $, but I’ll save that to try it with a mechanical machine, to see what happens. Next stop is the Theater, to buy an entrance in advance, and following that, visit the Museum:

”I-m sure everyone knows that. If you still want to go see the dinosaurs, pay 5 dollars apiece for the entrance fee. Is that okay? Please enter, you’ll find an academic researcher inside.”
You know a museum has hardly any customer when the receptionist says something so obvious. Regardless, the museum:

Is rather shitty, and somehow the Stalker can teleport inside buildings too! (I lost the screenshoot, the point is that the Photoman appears once again). Let’s pretend we didn’t see that and ask the researcher for gossip:

”…I’m Mr. Spoon, the academic researcher. I wonder if there are any famous stars here today? Dinosaurs… Huge, aren’t they? We’ll, that’s all I’ve gotten out of my research! You wanna hear more? (Whispering) To tell you the truth, I heard that dinosaurs were found the lower side of Scaraba, and there were lots of them. There are unconfirmed reports that the dinosaurs ate some of the natives here. If you go, try to find the dinosaurs and bring back photographs. Please come back again to study, ‘cause I don’t like being alone… ”

This half-retarded speech was more disturbing in the original version because he was literally craving for young fangs, more precisely girls, to visit his museum (you know what I mean...).
So we checked the museum, now let’s try the local shop:

Cockblocked (and yes, it has that "Gwaargh" written). I’ll ask a random guard for info about this:

”Hehehe. That’s our job, you know.”
Useless and corrupt, the Arbites would have a few words with this creep, effectively the entire police is Monotoli’s cocksukers (oh and Monotoli in MOTHER 2, his name is Monomochi Monotori, which has some meaning to it. Monomochi might mean something like “guy who owns lots of stuff” and “Monotori” could be taken as something like “guy who takes stuff”. It’s a playword too with Monopoly, one of Itoi’s favorite boardgames). And now, one of the Censorship’s most (in)famous changes:

Jackie’s “cafe”, a painfully obvious ugly bar that got his name and some dialogues edited because they feared that suddenly children could go hitting the bars for no reason…??? http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/boris-cocktail

”I have no information or items to help you out. Don’t think it’s natural for a guy like me to be here? I enjoy the atmosphere, by the way, let me quiz you: there are 5 apples, if you eat one, how many are left? 5 minus 1 is 4… so 4’s left… Ah, it’s not funny? ‘Kay, here’s another one: Master Porky’s maid Electra is “maid” to order… Oh, puns aren’t funny either..."

”EPIC FAIL DUDE
At least we know that Porky is here somewhere…

and I had to get to the bathroom fast! When I got there, I accidentally knocked on the wall instead of the restroom door… The next thing I knew, someone asked “Who is it?” and really surprised me! Maybe I just imagined it? ”

Probably because in the original version he comments he was heavily drunk, hurr durr, and the bar is so crappy that even the jukebox is false:

”Then I realized his schemes made my company go bankrupt. My house and land were taken away…Now I’m homeless, Monotoli didn’t used to be so powerful. I want to find out his secrets, so I’m spending my time here, watching to see if he ever drops in.”
That’s a reference to another fellow’s comment I forgot to screenshoot, supposedly Monotoli was seen entering here. Hmmm…

Obviously she meant alcohol originally.

”Weep, weep, they’re evil incarnate. Lawyers, policemen, everyone that follows Monotoli, they’re all his toadies! No matter how you fight him, you can’t win! Yeah,yeah, I‘m okay, just leave me here to cry into my cappuccino!”
Again, the guy was drowning his sadness with alcohol (goddamit, the jar is still yellow, stupid nintendo). Before visiting the heretic, first we’ll go to the Theater: http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/topolla- ... only-venus

”So please come in.”

”Really helpless, and hopeless… Hyuk Hyuk Hyuk.”

”We’re stuck here with a phony contract. Oh yeah!”

”I don’t exactly know why… it’s just a hunch.”
*Facepalm* Some retards just don’t learn no? Sigh, let’s hear how they perform at least:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XR8Tcmk_Smw (original dialogue was something like: “Have I got a real bombshell for you nice assholes today! Nnnnnnnn! Blow ‘em away! Tonzura Brothers Band! 3..2..1..GO!”)
Now let’s ask the manager and watch what she has to say:

”Excuse me? No, no! This band owes me a million bucks. If they break their contract, they'll be in deep doodoo with the police. The police would probably say, "Hey, you guys!" or something like that... Unless you're able to pay a million dollars on their behalf? You'd have to find buried gold, or you would never be able to pay such a huge sum of money. Ho ho ho... ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!”

Great, the manager is even more greddier than the last one… Oh, and the city isn’t devoid of dangers after all, enemies are possessed humans as the Annoying Reveler (the Old Party Man upgrade, armed with terrible “lectures”), the Extra-Cranky Lady and this:

Gygas is starting to use inanimate objects to attack Codex, I wonder how far away he’ll go to try to stop us (and the Mad Taxi is an enemy that already appeared in Mother 1, has the same attacks such as Exhaust fumes, dangerous in the 1st game because it caused Asthma to the main character, paralyzing him until the end of the battle, here just causes crying).
Let’s meet the heretic, the Monotoli everyone is so fond to speak about, and “retire” him:

”It goes directly to the 47th floor. Quit staring at my hips… why don’t you stand somewhere else instead of behind me?”

In the 47th floor, we meet:

”It’s okay to visit him here, but don’t wander around the building. Someone might be suspicious of you and take a pot shot at you with a machine gun…”

In Mother 2 the gorilla was more honest and said that someone could accidentally kill you if you kept wandering around here, it seems that for Nintendo it’s ok to say you’re going to be shoot unless they mention you’ll be killed. Contradictions aside, we meet someone’s familiar, Porky’s father:

”I’m Aloysus Minch, Porky’s father, due to my son’s success, I now live the life of a rich man. “Every dog has its day” That’s the perfect proverb to describe me! Hahahaha! Hohohoho! GWA HAHAHHA!!!! HEE HEE HAHAHAA!! *cough, cough, COOOUGH*! Ow, my jaw is tired!”

(Sarcasm) Great parent we have here. In MOTHER 2, his name is Anburami Minch. His MOTHER 2 name might be more closely translated as something like “Greasy” or “Oily” or some play on words with those words. It’s supposed to be a theme in his family – his wife’s name is Lardna and his son is technically named Porky. Dunno what Picky’s supposed to be, though, if anything. I should also mention in passing that their last name is “Minchi” in MOTHER 2, which is also the Japanese word for “mincemeat”. Porky Mincemeat

Look! Our “beloved” neighbor! Porky!! http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/pokey

”Ah, what’s your name…Pig’s Butt!... no,no, Codex! Didn’t you come here to beg me for money?”

”Oh, it’s you Porky! Tell me, did you managed to reach the elevator alone, or you needed help?”

”Oooo la la. Don’t you recognize me? I’m Master Pokey!

"Master Porky? Of what, of “fattyness”?

”Pokey! Get it? I’m now Geldegarde Monotoli’s partner, and I give him political and economic advice… ”

"Sure fatass, then with your help that guy’s power will crumble to dust as you ruin his economy in a few days, making things for me much easier…"

”(ignores Codex) I heard there were some ratty-looking kids asking for Mr. Monotoli… Was that you Codex?”

"No, your greasy mom, dumbfuck."

”This isn’t a place for the likes of you! Get outta here! Now, loser!”

”And you’re butthurt so soon? Try me, retarded pig-head…

And Codex is interrupted as the gorillas kick him out. Because we don’t have any other place to go, let’s return to the desert once more, to check the miner’s labor, discovering they did a ton in the meantime, and attracted onlookers:

There’s a healer too and a guy that sells food, but we don’t need anything of this, so we enter the mines to find:

It seems we’ll have to fight more monsters. But not now, in the next update. Stay sharp until then!

EDIT: Sorry if it looks boring and heavy, but that part ingame wasn't very interesting, luckily the next update will be more enjoyable.

 

[lightbane]

Update this thursday if possible. And for those that still have at least a minimal interest, it would be nice if you let at least one comment besides lurking obsessively

 

[Silellak]

Update this thursday if possible. And for those that still have at least a minimal interest, it would be nice if you let at least one comment besides lurking obsessively

Fuck you, I refuse.

...shit.

 

[Brother None]

Well, we’re starting to have a melody here, as you saw, the Emperor was on my side today because despite Jeff could had screwed his companions with his confusion, the party managed to defeat the monster successfully, and received another piece of Codex’s strange flashbacks.

I just wish I knew what you were saying here.

Also, all these stalker photos better be going somewhere.

Also; shorter updates, more funny/background comments, less factual boring stuff would prolly garner more interest

 

[ghostdog]

NEXT UPDATE BETTER FIND ITS WAY HERE SOON
OR I'LL FIND YOU

 

[lightbane]

Well, we’re starting to have a melody here, as you saw, the Emperor was on my side today because despite Jeff could had screwed his companions with his confusion, the party managed to defeat the monster successfully, and received another piece of Codex’s strange flashbacks.

I was trying to say that the boss battle could had ended horribly because in previous attempts Jeff eventually turned against the party one-hit-killing one of the members (or even both) and in consequence losing, and that with 3 of the 8 pieces of the melody we're nearby halfway of the game.

And there will be more stalker photos, I'll try to alternate these and/or write down how many "meetings" there are in the game.

About the shorter updates, I wanted to do like 3 levels or so per update until there's one longer than average/it's filled with stuff. Next update will be shorter if possible.

 

[GarfunkeL]

Trippy.

It is!

Makes you wonder what sort of stuff the writers were smoking... but then you remember they are japs and do this sort of stuff when completely sober. Lovely people.

 

[Lord Chambers]

I never played the game past Foursome. I think it is because I always had to return the rental before I got farther. Then, later in life and on an emulator, I began to sober up around Winters.

 

[lightbane]

This will be the last long update

Update 6: If you thought Saturn Valley was trippy…

http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/save-the-miners

Time to continue, where we were was in that mine/maze/copy-pasted dungeon that must be purged of monsters. So let’s do it!

The maze is particularly intense because it’s long as hell, divided in several sub-sections accessible by ladders filled with enemies (and loot). The enemies are thingies like Mad Ducks, giant venomous ants and Noose Mans (a sort of-walking rope); the main goal here is to find each mole and terminate it, and it becomes progressively more difficult because the monsters attack you in hordes and there are no magical butterflies, thus limiting your PP use. Fortunately the 1st mole is near the starting point, at north.

“I believe I’m the third strongest amongst us. Take your best shot!”

And the first miniboss charges! The giant mole has powerful attacks able to take you like 100 hp with each hit and it starts the battle with a shield that reflects physical attacks, but it’s weak to ice, and casually Black Cat has Freeze Gamma that harms for more or less 500 points of damage, one-shooting the miniboss rather easily.
After shaking off the monster’s bloody remains, the party continues until the 2nd mole is found:

Didn’t the first mole claimed that it was the third strongest one? Anyways, it’s as weak as the previous mole, and dies quickly. Moving on the next mole…

”Do you wanna test me?”

I start to sense a pattern here. In any case the monster is another copy-paste, the only serious problem is that when I discover that apparently Codex was suffering of Homesickness (again), and in the worst moment possible! I’ll deal with it later. The next mole:

”I’ll demonstrate the power of being third to you!”

…They really should meet more often. Whatever, it’s not different from the other ones, and in consequence is killed mercilessly (however Black Cat’s PP is really low at this point, forcing me to scavenge more from random enemies using Psi Magnet). The final mole…

” the second strongest master of this hole,the fourth strongest master of this hole,and the weakest master of this hole! I'm truly the third strongest master of this hole. Now you see the true advantage of being third!”

… Is as retarded as the previous ones, and worse, Black Cat had no more PP to use Psy Freeze. Fortunately, something I found with the previous looting is a Super Bomb, a one-use attack item that hurts a lot (approximately 534 damage points did to the mole), killing the foe in a single turn.

After the last mole is slain, you know the dungeon is safe because the music changes and the remaining enemies disappear. It’s time to go outside…

Except that the Stalker finds you again (Stalking meter: 13); after the brief photo we ask the nearby miner for the reward:

“Ok, from here on, just let me dig... You'll see, I'll find the buried gold! Before I start digging I'm going to set a careful plan of action...”

As the party returns to Fourside expecting more plot development, someone intercepts the characters in midway:

”Gerardo is in his mine, but he hasn't found any buried treasure yet. We did, however, find a diamond instead. Gerardo told me to give it to Codex. Here it is... please take it. Well, I've got to go... I'm busy working at the other mine... busy, busy, busy!”

Yay! A fucking diamond! I’m rich!! After selling it I can do whatever I… Wait, let me guess, I cannot keep it, for some reason I must give it to some random idiot to advance the game, right?

INDEED, and what’s worse, you will not like who will be the lucky fool (the even greedier theater owner bitch of Fourside:

And again for unknown reasons in Earthbound greed equals blindness, so we approach to re-use it closer:

” That that that Diamond... you're going to pay with that Diamond?! O... o... okay, th... that's fine. I'll rip up this contract. *rrrrrip!* Don't tell anyone about the Diamond... Now the Runaway Five are free! ...You should thank me. That Diamond is worth maybe... MAYBE... $50. So I gave you a bargain. (Thump, thump... Thump, thump! I made lots of money...)”

Sometimes I wish that I didn’t have that fucking concience that prevents me of doing what I would really like to do.. *grumbles*

Sucks to be you . Now I’ll post the Runaway Five’s reaction plus their last show in a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lI-AFjiRoE

As a curiosity, if you try to re-enter the theater after the Five leave, they’re replaced by this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IALCZN-O ... re=related

After the concert, the party leaves in search of something new:

”Those guys worked really hard, but all they got was a diamond!”

And to the department store we went:

”I guess it’s just a mouse’s sixth sense”

More foreshadowing. Nevertheless, the first thing to do is call Codex’s Mom to regain his motivation, and then Dad, who tells now we have more than 20.000 $ in the ATM account (because as I was forced to grind and fight fucktons of monsters in the mine, the money eventually piled up; there’s still the question what he does to have so much money…), and later buy new weapons for the party (concretely a Trick Yo-yo for Codex, a ranged weapon; a new frying pan for Black Cat, and lastly but not least an Hyper Beam for Jeff). No-one of the people gathered here have much to say of interest except:

”Do you have any connections with those guys? Oh you didn’t have to answer. It was dumb of me to ask you that question.”

More shameless self-references.

I’m bored. Let’s go outside and search for more inanities to see.

Suddenly, as Codex approaches the exit, something happens:

”would the customer from Onett, Mr. Codex, please proceed to the office on the fourth floor. That was customer Codex, 4th floor office...Gwaaaaaaaaagh!”
”

What was that? It’s everyone okay?.

”I’m fine”.”

”And you, Black Cat? Black Cat??? Oh no! She has been randomly kidnapped!”

Even worse, the kidnapper was a tentacle monster, japanese girl + this monster, you do the math.

”FUUCK!!! Hurry up! We must save her!”

And run they did; unfortunately the store is now filled with strange and very powerful enemies like possessed teacups (attack with Psy Fire Alfa each turn), or these:

The first ones strike you for more than 100 points of damage and the second one can use Psy Thunder Beta, these will kill you quickly if you’re surrounded. But that doesn’t stop our heroes to save Codex’s(future girl)friend, finally meeting the alien kidnapper:

” You finally made it.This department store is gonna be your grave! Gwaaagh. You will be gone, and you'll be burning in... Well, you'll go to heaven!”

Another boss! This one is powerful and use psy attacks each turn, so for once I’m forced to use Big Battle Rockets to neutralize him before he wipes out my party (seriously if you don’t kill him in 2 turns you will be surely dead and PP-depleted to survive). After his defeat:

”Master Giygas will avenge me...At this moment, Black Cat should be...Monotoli... Gwaaaaarrrrgh!!”

So she’s in Monotoly’s skyscraper. Unfortunately we cannot do much here, we have to search for more clues, probably in the bar; and as soon as you leave the room, the power is restored and everyone acts as if nothing happened here, sadly you cannot do more than 3 steps before the Stalker steps in:

(Stalking meter: 14)

Now I would find that “slightly” suspicious, but Codex innocently ignores it, heading for the “Cafe”, where the waitress tells him: “There's a loud noise outside. Must be the seventh inning stretch, and the fans are singing "Take me out to the ballgame" at the stadium. Must be the seventh inning stretch, and the fans are singing "Take me out to the ballgame" at the stadium.”

That’s the ruckus she was referring to:

It’s Everdred! Codex swiftly comes closer after bribing the farthest guy in the right with useless junk (he asks for something, and you can give anything you don’t want from your inventory), and a dialogue starts:

“.... Aren't you Codex...? I can't see too well... Everything's blurry... You are Codex, aren't you?It's me, we met in Twoson... Everdred from Burglin Park. You must remember. I'm the best thief around.

”Not so good it seems, you were caught and shot.

Everdred: That... Carpainter in Happy Happy Village was hiding something... *wheeze, wheeze*... strange. I stole it, and thought about selling it in the big city... An old, city-wise man called it Mani Mani. It's a strange-colored, doll-looking thing ...Ohh...*wheeze*, I'm in pain. 'Monotoli tricked me and stole it... from me! He tricked a thief! He wanted me out of the way because I knew his secret... He gets his evil power from that statue!

”Then just die already, so the game moves on. It’s not as if I cared for you, you attacked me before, and you didn’t received enough plot development to be considered a good character, please waste your last breaths hastily.

Everdred: “Why you are so mean? Anyways, listen, I'll tell you only once. At the cafe, check... behind... the counter...*Gasp*... I said I'd tell you only once... But if you insist, I'll tell you once more... ...*gasp, gasp* Do you wanna hear it again?”

”No, just end your death throes and tell me your last lines before the plot reclaims your pathethic life.”

Everdred: “...Before I go, here's my last haiku poem: When on your way out. Be sure that you say goodbye then lock the door tight. This is my final request... Don't follow me. I must be on my way... Whoa... So... long!”

And with his final request Everdred goes to die somewhere else (???) Your guess is as good as mine. Next step is checking the counter:

And shit happens: http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/moonside-swing

”This is MOONSIDE.”

”It makes perfect sense in Moonside.”

”More insane than usual monsters, strange graphic effects, dialogues filled with non-sense… WHERE IN HELL I AM?? Please, don’t tell me I’m in Silent Hill or something.”

Well, let’s check: You don’t have a dead wife/brother/father/someone familiar, you don’t suffer from a terrible lack of common sense nor strong suicidal impulses, you have will to live and no reasons to angst, plus you’re a minor. No, definitively you aren’t fucked up enough to be in Silent Hill. Instead this is Moonside, a wacky alternate dimension that shows you that from this point onward the game has definitively thrown out of the window any “childish innocence” it still had, and is now in a free fall to the infinite void of insanity and randomness. Only the Emperor knows how will this end (On a sidenote, The background music for Moonside has a sample from the Ric Ocasek song, "Keep On Laughin").

This deliciously mad place has interesting views and citizens, such as:

(Can hit all of your characters with powerful attacks)

(Can literally freeze time to strike you several times)

”Yes, you will. No, you will… not. Yesno, you will won’t.”

Certainly he’s right. Let’s move on quickly before Codex starts saying something weird... But first, more inanities:

*looks at the emulator* You tried but failed.

“I just forgot something… Who am I? Am I a man?”

What can change the nature… Ops, wrong game. More inanities in either case:

”Ha ha ha…That’s so funny. Wwwwweeeeelcome to Mmmmoooonside.”

Unsettling. And there’s more.

”I just love sharpening. You don’t want me to sharpen? Sidem oonsi demon. Welc welc omewelcome.”

Lovely, either a pedo or a psycho. Better check the bizarre dinosaur museum:

”My bones. Bone’s bones. Bone bone bone.”

... No comments. After wandering a while, I find something blocking our path:

”The Mani Mani Statue is up ahead, but I'm going to stop you right here. Don't even think about getting past me, ‘cause you aren't with a guy whose eyebrows are connected and who also has a gold tooth.”


… No fucking idea, probably the wackiest plot device ever. Moving on:

”The color, the smell, the taste, the texture… Hey! You’re drooling!”

Obviously here depending of what you wrote for your favorite food the line would be more or less funny. Also, as you may have noticed there are lots of beach bums, these act as teleporters to random places, you must interact with these to access to new areas and find stuff to loot (the most important item here is the Night Pendant, who protects the user from a Flash attack).

That’s their teleportation line btw.

”I see a country in summer and a big silver ball. You’re burnt, but you’re fine… That’s what I see.”

”Before the knife gets rusty, we must care for Mani Mani.”

And eventually, with one of the mad “warp men”’s travels Codex find himself in a building with the bizarre dimension’s Mr T.

”If you need something, talk to my partner. He’s right over there… see? You mean you can’t see him?”


Bizarro Mr T is referring to one ghostly shadow that may be hard to perceive in the screenshot, but it’s here (and it’s the strange character the sailor was speaking of).

”Ha ha. You can, huh? He he. You've become a real Moonsidian, haven't you?”

As there’s no door so to speak, we ask Bizarro T:

””Well, you're not gonna find one! So, get out of my face, loser... I have no patience when people interrupt me while I'm busy doing nothing”

And bizarro Mr T kicks us out. Time to escape from this place less Codex’s brain starts to leak. Returning to the sailor changes the dialogue:

Huzzah! You really surprised me! You're the man whose eyebrows are connected and who has a gold tooth! How about we dump these kids and go get something to drink?!”

And both disappear with a blink, and more importantly:

OUR TARGET!

(disappears)

And the dimension’sboss. Disappointingly it has no strong attacks except Flash Omega that would surely knock down one of your characters if it wasn’t for the Night Pendant, easing the battle. After 4 turns of constant bashing and psychic attacks it shatters:

”Were you daydreaming?”


Mastery of the obvious (check): So everything was false, except the loot we had for some reason. At least now Monotoli no longer is aided by daemonic forces, his judgment is nearby. However, at the second we step out of the warehouse:

”I've come up with another wacky invention that I think has real potential. Maybe you won't, but anyway... it's called the "Gourmet Yogurt Machine." It makes many different flavors of yogurt. The only problem is, right now, it can only make trout-flavored yogurt... So, I'm having the machine delivered to you via Escargo Express.It's coming "Neglected Class." Hopefully, you'll get it soon. Yeah, everything is...(Kaboooom!)Uh, I'vegotsomeproblemsheregottago, bye!”


Gross (the original version was with tofu). What will happen now with that strange device? Will be Black Cat found and rescued soon? Will the Stalking Photoman show up again? All of these questions will be replied in the next update!

PS: And before you ask, curiously the photoman doesn’t appear in Moonside.
PPS: And I would like that someone posted a completely random picture so it fits the thread if possible.

 

[ghostdog]

 

[Brother None]

I loved the mole #3 sequence. That made me lol for some reason. Moonside was cool too.

 

[lightbane]

Ah, Bloodnet, a hardcore cyberpunk rpg, only tested it a bit to check that you can efectivelly kill npcs randomly to screw yourself totally, unfortunately the hellish menus were incomprehensible and not very explained, specially in the cyberspace (althought I didn't played much of the game anyways), someone should do a lp of it.

 

[lightbane]

Update this thursday if who it's not dead which can eternal lie allows it.

 

[ghostdog]

translation : We allow it

 

[lightbane]

It looks like either Internet finally became sentient and is purposely harrassing me or the Chaos Gods confabulated to prevent me to post videos in youtube, in either way the update will come later than expected.

 

[lightbane]

Monkeys, these hideous creatures, I saw one yesterday...

Update 7: The planet of the Monkeys

Welcome back! First and foremost, fuck you Youtube! Now, the update:

last thing we saw was destroying an evil statue that was the source of Monotoli’s evil power after a mindfuckery trip, and now Apple Kid had prepared a new wacky device for Codex. But first thing to do is go outside of the “cafe”:

Here a monkey spots us and attempts a super-fast approach that I couldn’t capture…

But it fails so hard that it crashes against the wall partially carbonizing itself.

”Keke ku iokki kokyo (I can't remember if we've met.)Ky ukki ukki ko (Talah Rama just finished fasting)Kyu ukyo uki (and now wants to meet you)Uko uke kauike (at the west end of Dusty Dunes desert)Kekoi kiko ukkeke (in a cave with lots of monkeys.)
'Kokyu uke ku akki (I'll use my teleportation to...)Kya (Bye!)”

And the monkey leaves, just as the actual delivery-man approaches us:

”Ooops! ...Greetings! (It's Escargo Express's neglected class.)Whew! I just got here from the Dusty Dune desert. There was this sunbathing guy,and he told me about a cave with lots of monkeys... or was it orangutans? Anyway, he said... well... uh... I forgot. Yup, I forgot... actually I forgot the stuff I was supposed to deliver, too.I think it was some weird machine to make trout-flavored yogurt. Yeah, I forgot it at the desert... I'm not going back that way, so don't ask me to get the package... I mean, it's your package, right? So YOU go get it! Go on, get out of here..Maybe that thing I forgot is important to you... So... have a good time in the desert!...”

Frigging asshole!! That explains the “neglected class”. But we have other things to think about, such as another person approaching Codex:

”I'm a maid who serves Mr. Monotoli, and I'm looking for trout-flavored yogurt to give our special guest. If you know anything about it, please tell me!I've been searching and searching...”

Interesting, we now have an excuse to infiltrate Monotoli’s headquarters, but first we must complete probably the WORST part of the game, I’m referring to the Monkeys’ Maze: http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/the-monkeys-maze

The objective here is to find Talah Rama that has entrenched himself at the deepest part of the cave, and every area has the same design: there’s two possible ways with a monkey in each one, both of these ask for random items you must give to continue, and most of these items can be found in the place itself. Although the asked items aren’t difficult to find (you may get asked for a Wet Towel that you can buy in the Desert’s drugstore for example), it’s incredibly irritating when you must retreat 8 screens just to buy a Pizza you were asked just to find it in the next area the monkey was guarding, thus wasting your time uselessly (I believe Itoi attempted to troll these stupid puzzles in games that are solved by touching a lever some steps away of the door/device/whatever the “puzzle” was, if you got what I mean); fortunately to compensate there are some powerful items here such as the Flame Pendant (protect against fire obviously), the Neutralizer (a contraption for Jeff that nullifies the enemy’s AND the party’s shields, useful if you activate it in a battle’s first turn), and the Bag of Dragonite (turns the user into a dragon for a massive damage attack to all enemies, not related with Breath of Fire, acceptable jrpgs that were mostly Final Faggotry’s competition but unlike that one BOF’s series tried to innovate in every game, and each game include choices and consequences plus several endings to boot). You will know you’re near Talah Rama because:

There’s a fucking pencil statue blocking the path, unless you played this area already and thus you were prepared you will likely have to backtrack AGAIN just to get the item from the Escargo Express, I’ll spare you of the suffering and instead move directly to where Talah Rama broods:

(Now featuring Mother 2’s original dialogue with some additions of my own: http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/buzz-buzzs-prophecy)

Talah: “The truth of the universe travels the cosmos like a grain and like a wave and speaks to the universes known as man. Your coming here, my waiting here… It was all predestined truth. Codex, Paula, Jeff, and Poo… When these four forces meet, the twisting cosmos will breathe calmly once more.”

”Hey! How do you know my name? And what the hell is Poo? Is that a real name?”

Talah: “Plot awareness, all generic savant-sages share this power. And before you ask, I cannot help you with metagaming, it may cause the weakness all generic sages share as well: spontaneous death. Do you understand?”

””Not much, it seemed you were just bursting random nonsen...


Talah: “It doesn't matter. Proceed as you wish. Open the treasure box and take what is inside with you. ...Did you come in search of this? Someone left it behind in this hole.(Codex got the Yogurt dispenser, pray you had space for the mcguffin or you would be forced to backtrack once more, as it happened to me, AARGH!!) The adventure that lies ahead won't be easy. I'll give you a special skill to help you move through space as you wish. Learn the skill from the monkey over there... Would you like to learn this special power? (Fuck yeah, after all we got through Codex demands something nifty in exchange). Ha ha ha. That's wonderful! 'Speak to the monkey over there.”

And the monkey-teacher tells us to go outside for a demonstration:

”(If you learn this, you can go anywhere you've been previously.)Kyakkyaki kiki (You can go there instantly.)Kyakki Kyaki(This skill can't be used in a room or underground, though.)”

And the monkey runs away at light-speed and comes back in less than a blink, as you see.

”(I showed you the basic, straight course, but you can also build up enough speed while turning, if you have enough room.)Ukkikie(Ok! Why don't you try it, young man!)”


And soon after this Codex learns Teleporth Alfa! That useful spells allows you to quickly return to any place you had been before, the catch is that you need a straight line and lots of space to work, if you bump into something (be it a wall or even a random enemy) the spells fails as your characters become partially carbonized and blackened. Now we can do stuff like momentarily return to Winters to buy new gear for our heroes, meeting in the way someone known:

”My fiancee loves to chew gum. He went to visit Dr’s Andonuts’s lab… but he hasn’t returned yet. I want to go there so I can get him home, but without him I can’t cross Lake Tess. I’m really worried that the mad doctor will use him in a crash test.”

That’s bullshit, a mad doctor wouldn’t do this in an apparently sentient and psychic monkey, instead he would practice a vivisection :twisted: . The party rearmed with new gear, it’s time to visit Monotoli for a last time, contacting with the oblivious woman of before, who gets so happy that she steals the Iogurt dispenser without waiting us to reply and invite us to her room in the 48th floor, where Monotoli’s office is, so now we can use the elevator it was locked before:

” Mr. Monotoli's maid, Electra, told me about you. I'll take you to Mr. Monotoli's office on the 48th floor. Only you may go.”


And the elevator takes us to the bloody 48th floor, which unsurprisingly is another dungeon, a fairly straight-forward one, having for enemies only Sentry Robots:

Unfortunately 10 seconds isn’t enough for Codex to give the robot a witty comeback, so you’re forced to fight them, they’re not dangerous but can use Bottle Rockets and summon reinforcements. One of the few things of interest is the maid’s room:

”Master Porky is cool! He gave me something the other day and said “this is fit for a maid…” ”

I remarked that statement because in the original Mother 2 game, basically Porky gave the maid a souvenir gift and told her “meido no miyage”, which could mean “maid’s gift” if you wanted it to, but “meido no miyage” is also an old Japanese phrase that means “this will be a good memory for when you die and go to hell”, showing that Porky can be an incredibly refined and twisted dick when he wants. In any case, now there’s only one thing standing between us and the heretic, the dungeon’s boss, the terrible Clumsy Robot!

This little cutesy is mostly harmless, having skills such as falling, appling a bandage, losing some cogs and pieces. You may be wondering why I don’t just exterminate it with exagerated prejudice, it’s because after a certain amount of damage…

It fires a motherfucking missile, heavily damaging your characters, and worse he can repeat the same attack in his next turn, likely killing Jeff in the proccess. And what’s worse, he’s incredibly resistant to Codex’s psychic butthurts and IT’S IMMUNE TO BOTTLE ROCKETS!!! Fortunately, you only have to survive until several turns have passed, triggering this event:

”It was the Runaway Five!Lucky quickly ducked behind the robot! ”I flipped the switch, and it stopped.""Ha ha ha hah... Geez, what a loser robot. It was so easy to stop!""That was quick thinking!"”


And so the boss is defeated in a rather unusual way, turning an humilliant defeat to an embarrasing victory with a strangely logical and plausible move. Codex was butthurt after having his ass saved by these idiots so he rushes to the office ignoring them, finally meeting the twice-damned Monotoly at last:

A shame for you but the only mercy you will have is the Emperor’s one (right after the dialogue of course, let’s be polite and hear what he has to say shall we?)

”I believed you'd come and save me. Mr. Monotoli isn't really a bad person. Take some time to listen to him.”

Monotoli: “Look at my skinny arms, thin body, and white hair… I’ve become so weak since I lost the Mani Mani Statue. I apologize for kidnapping Black Cat. I haven’t harmed her in any way… and she was truly a nice girl (that sounds very creepy considering he’s an old man…). Okay, Black Cat. Return to Codex now. I’m very sorry for causing you so much worry… I will tell you everything I know now. The Mani Mani Devil shows people illusions. It then increases the evil in their hearts and brings forth the devil’s power. I was so afraid of that power that I hid it in the storeroom in Boris’s bar, where I went to look upon it on occasion… There were mysterious words inside the illusions, including your name, Codex. Things like, “Stop Codex by your own hand!”And, “Do not let them go to Summers!”And, “Do not let them see the pyramid!”I don’t really understand why, but someone apparently doesn’t want you children to go to Summers. I also heard things like, “The devil… Giygas…”Apparently, the devil’s side doesn’t want you going to Summers. Which means, of course, that you probably SHOULD find a way to Summers somehow… Summers is across the ocean. You can use my helicopter. Allow me to open the way to the heliport. I’m exhausted now. I’m sure you children can manage to right things on your own. It appears that that is your fate, Codex! Well, goodbye, Black Cat. Please be careful on your way.”

”Okay, goodbye!”

Huh? That’s all? Weren’t you supposed to neutralize him permanently?

”Why would I do that? He’s only a poor old man that was affected by an alien influence, now he’s back to his senses.”

Right, because his weak will was what made him being possessed first, and despite nothing stops him to be taken over by Gygas again you believe he’s safe, I guess expecting common sense in a jrpg was way too much (even for Earthbound) *rolls eyes*. Here’s the helicopter the party was promised to have:

Well, that was… Unexpected.

”Codex, you brain-dead moron! Struggle all you want, but you’re still too late! Bye-bye! Now that old Monotoly is a nice guy again, I have no more use for him. I sure am glad to take his helicopter, though! Spankety-spankety! Bleh! Blehhh! (that’s him sticking his tongue out and flying away)”

”Where in hell he managed to learn how to pilot an helicopter?”


That’s a good question, and what’s more: Despite obviously being unarmed, surely not athletic and without resources he moved faster than you and effortlessly several times, I bet Gygas buffed him with super-intelligence and off-screen teleport (probably in exchange of his ability to dream, his virility, his soul and the first progenitor of his seven next reincarnations), cursed munchinks… We can safely confirm that Porky is now an actual threat and should be considered dangerous, he’s no more an asshole but balless like Cartman, next time Codex will not be so nice with him.
While the party thinks about the next step, Black Cat suffers a sudden attack of “plot-devicenism” with her powers:

”...to get to Summers... we need to go back to Threed. Yep, somehow I know that's where we must go...”

More strangely Apple Kid also decided to suddenly call Codex:

”I think I'm a real genius... In fact, I know I'm a genius. Why? Well, I have discovered the primary enemy of you and of all humanity. We have to fight and defeat this being... To do so, we need to invent a machine called the "Phase Distorter." I've got to find the wandering scientist, Dr. Andonuts, and make the distorter. So, I may be gone for a while. Later... *click*”


Gygas really needs to make itself less publicly known. Randomness aside, the next stop in our trip is known (less we would be clueless and forced to think about what to do for once), and for more plot convenience the Runaway Five offer you to go to Threed (more than offer I should say force, you cannot deny their help and if you attempt to move away of their bus they automatically “accompany you” to it, assume Codex and co travels back with the Five despite being able to teleport for no more reason that the plot demands it). At Threed:

”All right. We're gone now. If you get lonely, imagine the Runaway Five singing somewhere far,far away... By the way, why did you need to come back here? You must have forgotten some very important item or gadget here... How's that for a guess? Am I close? Well, you don't have to tell me...See you later and good luck!”


That was a “subtle” hint from the game, for those with attention-deficit disorder you’re supposed to search for the Sky Walker to continue this event-based game, so away we go… But before I decided to return walking to Fourside to buy some healing stuff to be prepared, and in the way I bump into this:

(Stalking meter: 15)

Come on! That’s just evil! There was no way for this to happen unless you purposely padded your way to Fourside instead of like using Teleport. Anyways, Codex continues to miss the point so after the stuff is bought we return where the Sky Walker was:

”Now I wonder how you start this thing up?”

I like the man’s line of thoughts, “if I paint this it will be fine as new!”. I guess someone played with Orks too much (and he even didn’t painted it red goddamit!) In any case Jeff comes closer to the ship and inspects it:

”Oh! This isn’t that broken at all! All right, hold on for a bit. Okay! It should work now! Except, if we get into the Sky Walker now, it’ll wind up taking us back to Winters. We’ll need Dr. Andonuts’ help to modify it to go to Summers. In the case that Dad, no, I mean Dr. Andonuts, isn’t there… then I’ll have to figure it out on my own somehow. But, for now, let’s return to the lab in Winters. That’s our only choice. Let’s go!”

(Meanwhile, in the Walker)

”You sound like you had some issues with your dad…”

”Issues? ISSUES?? WHAT ISSUES? IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT MY DAD COMPLETELY IGNORED MY EXISTENCE FOR TEN DAMNED YEARS WHEN HE WAS JUST STEP AWAYS FOR ME!!! IT’S NOT LIKE I WORKED HARDER AND HARDER SO AT LEAST HE COULD RECOGNIZE MY EFFORTS, JUST TO BE FORGOTTEN!! AND MY BEST FRIEND IS AN HOMO THAT STALKS ME!! AND NOTHING HAPPENED WITH HIM!! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HE DID CERTAIN NIGHT!! IT’S NOT ONLY HATE WHAT…”

And amusingly Jeff’s repressed anger finally explodes into an energetic tantrum; fortunately for Codex and co the thingy is auto-piloted and quickly reaches its destination…

Only to be received by more annoying monkeys (AARGH!):

”(Oh yes, we finally tied the knot... Honey, don't just stand there with your mouth open, say hello!)”

”You passed by a cave north of Stonehenge. Don't you ever wonder what's inside? Can't seem to stop thinking about it! Go and see what's there! We're going to get out of here. We're still newlyweds, you know... Bye-bye!”


And gone they are the little bastards, surely to fuck as if there was no tomorrow and spawn more of these psychic monkeys abominations. Walking a few steps to the right we’re received by Dr. Andonuts.

Andonuts: “Jeff wets his bed sometimes. But other than that, he's a good boy. Take care of yourself and Jeff!... The Bubble Monkey said there's a cave north of Stonehenge. I've known about it for a long time. The locals call the area "Rainy Circle," but I haven't been there. I wonder what's inside the cave... “

”… *death glare*

Andonuts: “Oh Jeff!! It’s that you?? We meet again sooner than expected… Your name was Jeff right?”

”… You happily greet a stranger you never met before much more effusively than your own son, and you tactlessly make a fool of myself for no particular reason???"

Andonuts: : “Uh? I don’t understand what you mean.”

”*starts twitching uncontrollably*”


Andonuts: “I uh, huh... I understand... While you're checking out that place, I'll work on remodeling the Sky Runner. Oh yes, yes. My co-worker, Big Foot, dislikes violence. He's such a nice guy, and he loves people. He often shares his beef jerky with me... .”


ROFL. In a Worst Father Ever show this guy would win the second prize AND the consolation prize (the 1st prize is permanently reserved and shared by Gendo Ikari, Homer Simpson, *whisper* The Holy Emperor and worse inhuman beings), as the mad doctor told us the caveman, unfortunately the party is already loaded with better shit than the one he sells (and yet despite being a caveman he quickly adapts to this business), after this is done I spent some minutes purging random enemies so Black Cat levels up a bit and later go to confront the local guardian, video here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIo0gTUZw5I

And that’s all for now. In the next update you’ll find more insanity, more 4th wall breaking jokes and mindfuck. Stay tuned!

 

[ghostdog]

I like the fact that you also show parts of the original dialog.

I also like the fact that the game manages to retain its wacky-ness all the way.

”*starts twitching uncontrollably*”

 

[lightbane]

I like the fact that you also show parts of the original dialog.

I also like the fact that the game manages to retain its wacky-ness all the way.

”*starts twitching uncontrollably*”

Actually, that last part was obviously of my own (such as Jeff's tantrum, and most dialogues where Ness/Codex says something, that's the problem of silent characters), but I thought it would fit the game's style.

Unfortunately, this will probably be the last time I show original dialog, 'cause the source where I took most of that random info, well it has not been updated in ages...

 

[lightbane]

Update between thursday and saturday, do not expect update next week however, a break is needed, with Christmas and all of these thingies, you know.

 

[lightbane]

Update 8: This is the (non) new shit!

After defeating the corresponding guardian, the party returns to Andonuts’ lab to report, and that’s the dialogue:

(Yes, once more Andonuts makes a fool of his own son with the same people, not pictured, Jeff gritting his teeth.) ”But other than that, he's a good boy. Take care of yourself and Jeff!... Hmm...It looks like you found something out. I finished remodeling the Sky Runner. You can leave for Summers whenever you wish. It shouldn't break this time... Well, maybe...”

And with these “encouraging” words, the Chosen Ones depart with the Sky Walker to Summers.

I guess this is the end for the poor Sky Walker, you usefulness will not be forgotten… for 2 minutes: http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/summers- ... urist-trap
Despite the fact that an UFO crashing would be enough to scary the shit out of everyone in a radius of several kilometers, Summer’s citizens are “peculiar”:

”And at night, fall in love again… That’s my dream life.”

”Relax, and have some fun…”

”You guys are spoiling the atmosphere”

”You should travel across the sea to Scaraba from Toto the port town”.

Toto is a subtown next to Summers, you can see it in the map:

As you see, the citizens are extraordinarily “relaxed”, (despite there are of course enemies such as Duke Nukem himself:

Mad Taxis and sentient signs). Such town seems a good place to be, no? NO:

”At least until you run out of money).. Hotel Du Summers (the parrot in the right randomly repeats dialogue from npcs)”
This is the first sign that shows something is wrong with the town, and if you want more proof, look at the shop’s items:

FUUCK!! Yes, I have enough money to actually buy almost anything, but I’m thriftly and I will not give them any satisfaction to these greedy jews, so I’ll just buy 3 Lucky coins (a defensive boost item), a new Bat, 1 super plush bear (upgraded Teddy bear), and 2 diamond bands (if you ask where do I got so much money, through fighting mostly, for working in a burger company Codex’s Dad has tons of money to give).
What’s more, Summors is so snob that it has an enormous restaurant, where you can enter and ask the richasses attending here, for some hilarious comments:

(translation: a simple cake isn’t fancy and expensive enough)

”Y’know, can’t quite describe it… Drinking glass after glass of ice coffee is… well… Buurp! Ooo, ‘scuse me…”
I’m sure in the original version it was alcohol instead of ice coffee. Also, even out of Eagleland we’re not safe from the Stalker, who appears ominously:

(Stalking meter: 16)
http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/what-a-great-picture That’s his theme, for if I haven’t posted it before.

”breaking into their room and checking their drawers for valuables. Yeah, other people on important adventures do such things, but you have to admit that it’s bizarre!”
A reference to other jrpgs, and we could say for Zelda tool, as Link seems to love randomly breaking people’s vases and steal the valuables hidden there. But enough with the gossip, let’s see what this restaurant has to sell:

Fortunately not as expensive as the other stuff, so we buy some of these thingies, their descriptions are amusing:
Chef’s special: This is today's special. It is highly recommended by our chef, who trained at a five-star restaurant in Paris. When eaten, you recover about 200 HP.
Pasta di Summers: This is a pasta dish which legend holds was a favorite of King Summers the Third in the 16th century. Back then, there were many great chefs, confident of their culinary skills, always going to and from Summer's Palace. One day, King Summers wife, Anna Summers, said, "Oh what I wouldn't give for some really delicious pasta!" ... ... ... ...Well, let's just leave it at that. The story is too long to go through completely... but it really is a beautiful, touching tale... When eaten, you recover about 110 HP.
Kraken Soup: Soup made from the fin of the sea monster known as Kraken. This beast lives in the ocean off the shore of Summers. Very expensive, but a sizable power boost is guaranteed.
Royal Ice Tea: The highest quality tea, produced by tea expert Mr. Y. Todaar, who carefully selects only hand-picked tea leaves. Long ago, only aristocrats at a king's court were allowed to drink this tea. If you drink this, you recover about 60 HP.

Now that our party is fully equipped, let’s go to the hotel to rest before continuing the exploration… Unfortunately, the Stalker shows up again…

(Stalking meter: 17)

When it was like 5 minutes ago we had met him, as if he was becoming more and more obsessive with Codex. Shame that Codex’s innocence prevents him of noticing the great danger he’s having with that pedo, entering the hotel without looking back.

It looks like Porky had been here before as well. Codex asks for a room, and that’s what happens:

”My name is Risosha Richmonde, and I’m the assistant manager. I’m sorry sir but I’m afraid that we do not have any reservation under your name. However, we can offer you a room at $450 a night.”

Bloody rat (notice that unlike other hotels the telephone is not the usable for free)!! Still, I pay anyways just to have an opportunity for more inane gossip:

”Everyone seems to be nice, but they’re just doing it for the money. I know from experience.”

Surprisingly true comment, sadly too late, and because the rest of the “gentlemen/women” gathered here have nothing interesting to say, the next place to go is Toto and its surroundings.

”No, no… I’m not a billboard…”

“Codex can eat my shorts! For a neighbor, he’s a loser!”
You know you suck when you’re so slow that a chubby kid has more than enough time to write down random insults just to piss you off and more.

”However a monster named Kraken lives in the open sea. He attacks ships that pass through. Are you scared?”

Foreshadowing.

”How is it that no-one tried to stop this monster, specially if it’s bothering a port town? They surely lose tons of money for each attack.”

Remember that logic and common sense is so rare that it should be considered a superpower in most games, especially in jrpgs; anyways to advance the plot we must contact this guy:

” You need to call a secret reservation if you want to get in. What? Yeah, I'll give you the secret number. I warn you though, it's a strange place...”

You’ll see soon why do I need this, before, something unexpected happens:

” Oh, happy day! I finally got a hold of you...Oh, Jeff! Hi, it's me--Tony.I'm collecting player's names for a school project. You know, players just like you! That's right, you--the one holding the controller. Would you register your name, please? Don't spell your name wrong!”

Okay, that’s more than just breaking the 4th wall, that’s kidnapping and raping his mom, setting its house on fire and then piss on the remains. Still, the show must continue, so:

”I apologize for any trouble this may have caused you. Don't put my friend Jeff in any dangerous situations, okay? I worry about him. I really do...Well, talk to you later...Jeff... I hope that I can see you again when you are feeling up to it...From T-O-N-Y...You got that? Well I've been on the phone too long...Gotta go... Good luck...Take care...So long... This time, I'm really gonna hang up.Goodbye.*Beeeeep*”


Definitively that was equally surprising, funny and disturbing, as only Earthbound can do, there aren’t many games that address you directly, the player, I recall Omikron being another one where characters refer to you personally, but that’s a rare case. Continuing with our investigation:

”(Yes)I don't feel like sending a ship out. I'm worried about my wife...I'm not afraid of the Kraken!..... My wife's totally ignoring her Magic cake business. These days she spends her time hanging out in a strange club. We no longer have any mutual interests to discuss. Is our relationship over?...*Sigh*”

I suppose he’s referring to the Stoic Club, we must contact it from a phone to get an invitation, so we use the phone in Toto’s townshop to get an invitation, curiously being accepted in the 1st try. Before going here let’s check the last important building in Summers, the Cultural Museum:

Wacky, as the other fellows here:

”Why would Mr. Spoon from the Fourside Museum try to call me? I bet he just wants to brag about something… Well, let him try… I wonder what he wants to tell me? Bah! I dare him to try and upstage me… Oh, pardon me… I was talking to myself, *cough*”

More foreshadowing.

”He looked like he was awfully wealthy. He was being extravagant!”

Porky somehow managed to outwealth a town made by and for rich people… In the upper floor there’s an Arabian-looking man, let’s check if the stereotypes are applied here:

”I can’t… well, I usually don’t… show this room… Once you hit adulthood, you’ll understand.”

He seems to be nice …

Arabian guy: ”I do, however, like jewelry. Perhaps, a little, shall we say, “under the table deal” would be in order ”

Forget it, misleading, dishonest and greedy, as expected from a cliched arabian. About time to visit the Stoic Club then:

”your repudiation of entropy supports my theory of space-time synthesis. Of this, I am irrefutably confident. ”

”I've finally awakened the inner me, the true self. The patrons of this club are able to stare into their own soul hard enough to burn a hole in their psyche. I'm now comfortable enough to stare at the real me, the true self, and burn the impression into my super-ego. I want to be in this comfort zone at any time, all the time or at no time. My id is telling me...”

”Oh! Sorry… I was sleeping…”

We can assume here the programmers just took a dictionary and started pouring words randomly, I wonder how much randomness was lost in the translation, at least our old friend Mr T likes to hang around here in this club:

”I don’t either, but I try to be patient with the customers. They pay high prices just for a glass of water and the chance to have serious, intellectual discussions. Actually, it’s an easy business. You want a drink? We only serve water though…”

He’s sincere but not very helpful. About what has to say the last member of this club:

“Everyone stares at the stone on stage and philosophizes… Doesn’t it sound stupid?”

Indeed. Because we have talked with everyone, my metagaming sense tells me that now someone of the club will have something different to say, likely the 1st npc we met:

“(Repeats the same lines until this point) You came all this way just to eat my Magic cake? I see... okay... Why don't you stop by a little cart out on the beach later?”

Codex doesn’t waste time and rushes to the meeting point, not wanting to lose an opportunity to get a slice of cake.

” I thought making cakes would be the best career for me. Dig in! I used all leftover materials. This is a very special Magic cake!”

”CAKE!!! PIE!!! ME WANT!!! *pounces and starts eating viciously a slice*.

You will not even ask what those leftover materials are? So naïve are you?

”(trying to talk as he eats) Wdy? It’s PIE!!! Offered bya berfect stdanged!! Whatz the worze dadh can happ….*collapses*.

And Codex got high again!
http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/in-dalaa ... -a-warrior
http://rpgmusic.org/earthbound/the-floa ... -of-dalaam

”Go to the "Place of Emptiness" and endure this final test. I am praying for your success in this final stage of your training.”

And that’s our 4th and final party member, Poo, a supposed prince of the Far East that either his parents were very drunk at the moment of his conception and/or he was unwanted (probably the reason why they don’t show up):

Although he starts at level 15, his stats are still shitty, specially IQ, surely related as a possible side effect of his harsh training, that granted him superhuman self-control plus agility and the ability to punch metal as if it was paper, in exchange of having the emotional depth of a rock (and brain damage to mix).
Another thing of interest here is the guy at the right; since it’s obvious electricity is little to non-existent in this reactionary place, the man works as a rudimentary Astropath that will duplicate the functions of a telephone:

”Why are you disguising your voice like that? Who are you pretending to be? Oh, well. It’s not a big deal. I suppose you need to have a sense of humour at a time like this.”

This change of his usual dialogue happens everytime you try to save as a different party member besides Codex (the only way to do it in-game is letting Codex to be killed, giving the lead to another party member, as a fun detail many characters react differently when you talk to them, such as Codex’s Mom). Outside:

A (failed) attempt in a deep comment, I suppose.

Someone giving his respects to the Prince.

Considering Poo is like 15/16 years old, the “game” could be “mature”…

Or not. Also, observe how despite the real palace is practically covered in gold, unsurprisingly the rest of the commoners live in coarse and crappy shacks, totally nothing wrong here.

Despite there’s a restaurant and that Poo is the Prince, he doesn’t have a shit of money and the vendor will not make an exception for him; what’s more, Poo has some peculiarities compared to the other characters: Due to his royal nature, his taste is absurdily “specialized”, he will not recover as much HP as other characters when using food items except if these are “eastern products”, such as the Bowl of Rice (to compensate he’s the only one that gives any worth to Bottles of Water, recovering twice of PP unlike the others); more strange is that for some reason this applies to his inventory, he has a specific gear only he can use (several pieces of equipment that have the words “[…] of the Kings”), any other item you try to equip him will LOWER his stats (except the Combat Yoyo, a ranged weapon). ¿?? Don’t ask, let’s move instead.

Blocked by the Plot, now statues of rabbits are stopping our evolution for further madness, we’ll have to do that final test the “cliched mentor” was talking about.

People who train here must first clear everything from their mind. If you can make your mind blank and learn the true meaning of “Mu”, you’ll pass through. Mu is Mu…)”

One of the few words I know of Japanese is that, Mu, that means literally nothingness, the Void, whatever you want to call it.

”Long ago, I completed Mu Training.I want to show you a higher level of intelligence... However, I'm still realizing and learning this high level... I'll see you again. So long!”

As the Strange Oldman TM teleports away in a whirl, Poo climbs to the top and meditates...

”He sent me to tell you that you must stop your meditation immediately. Prince Poo! You must come back with me instead of staying in a place such as this. You Master wishes it... please rise, Prince...Your highness, you must give up this trial for now... believe what I say,it is the truth...”

GTFO bitch, we’re busy here (you must purposely ignore her and remain motionless for some minutes, if you move even an inch you will have to start over). After a while the whore got tired and left, Poo has a “vision”:

”To complete your trial, I am going to break your legs. You will lose the use of them. Do you accept this?”

Goddamn, hardcore training is really hardcore, fortunately I know a specialist in these things:

”BAH!! That’s nothing but a flesh wound!”

The Spirit agrees and sadistically breaks Poo’s legs, before continuing his speech:

”Next, I will tear your arms off...I shall then take your arms and feed them to the crows. The taking of your arms...Do you accept this?”

”Once more, that’s nothing but a scratch!”

And his arms he lost.

”Now, I'll cut your ears off. You do not mind my taking your hearing away, do you? Do you accept this?”

”How many times I have to say it?? It’s a flesh wound!! I still can headbutt you!”

After accepting, the spirit tears Poo’s ears as promised, to represent this the music and any other sounds abruptly stop.

”By floating words through the air, I must ask you... Do you care if I take your eyes? Do you want to live in eternal darkness? I shall steal your sight...Do you accept this?)”

”MMPFFF!!! HMMM!!! THHZZZ!!! FLSZZ!!! WND!!!! (assume he lost his voice as well to make sense)”

The spirit carries out his promise, and then:

”Your mind is all you have left... In the end, I will take your mind, though you probably don't want to allow that, do you? So... you can't answer? You can't even move? Are you sad, are you lonely? If you lose your mind, you also lose any feelings of sadness... Do you accept this? I will take your mind, Prince Poo, know that I will possess it...)”

(Mind)RAPE TIME!!!! A shame it’s not shown:

”The old Master must be so pleased! Hurry, now, and return to the palace.”

And now we can continue, after suffering a terrible experience where a sadistic spirit literally chops you to pieces until you’re completely reduced to the most basic expression of your being, so to speak, learning in the process the value of… Propierty?? Undoubtly disturbing for a kids game (if you still want believe that’s a game for children after being constantly stalked by an obsessive/compulsive photographer, harrased by a gay boy very “fond” of Jeff, and even working part-time as a matchmaker). In any case, we can continue the game returning to the palace:

”There is nothing more to teach you from the holy writings. Prince Poo, I shall relay a message to you from Eternity. The evil entity that controls all wickedness is preparing for the greatest struggle of all time... The only ones who can challenge the entity are three boys and one girl. Once named Codex is the leader of the four. One of the boys is you, Prince Poo. Now that you've completed your training, search out Codex at once. For all beings, for the earth herself. I pray for growth in the might of the four.”


As expected, the sage has plot awareness as well, and after his dialogue Poo automatically levels up to 16, learns some PSI and Teleport Beta, that allows him to teleport without need to run in a straight line, something he uses to move where the rest of the heroes are:

Wow, that was a fucked up experience, you will never believe what I saw…

“Huumm, Codex, I never knew your life was so bad you’re forced to do these… things to escape from the pain. But this is not the solution, it will end destroying you. Can we speak about your problems, if you don’t mind?” .

HEY! I’m not a junkie! I don’t get high on purpose! Wait, that sounds even worse, I mean that wasn’t an hallucinogen drug, I had a precognition of some sort, for a brief summary I’ll say that Poo, the last Chosen One is coming…

And came he did:

”I am the servant of Codex. I will obey Codex. Codex! My life is in your hands.”

Great, now I have my personal slave! Tell me, why the shitty name, Poo?

Poo:”…”

Too ashamed to talk? Don’t worry, I was kidding, no offense, let’s go before shit happens… HA!

Puns aside, sadly I’m forced to teleport back to a previous dungeon to grind for a minute or two, as Poo has low levels compared to the party:

After a while we return to the museum, because Poo has in his inventory a Tiny Ruby we could use (for a random detail, if you try to enter the museum without paying the assistant will notice it and intercept you, if you refuse to/cannot pay the entrance she’ll make fun of you saying an oddity like you should be exhibited in the museum for not even having 12 $) as a payment for the arabian.

” Will he be giving me that gem?”

Poo: “NO! That’s from my fami…”

Curator: “Excuse me? So, what he just handed me is not a gem (regardless of what you say the rat steals your ruby). Hah ha ha. I'm going to really enjoy the "cookie" that I just got. Let's pretend this conversation never took place... While I'm pretending, you go on in...”

Inside you’ll find two moving vases containing mummies that will attack you; the Arabian as the dick he is he will not move a finger to save you from harm, what’s more, if you talk to him:

”Do you feel like you’re really experiencing this great historical period? The experience is more valuable than a small gem… HA HA HA! The other day, a rich kid came to Summers by helicopter. He also took a picture of the Hieroglyphs. I got lots of money from him. Heh heh.”

Dishonest, liar, corrupt, and unable to control his kleptomaniac impulses, a stereotypical Arabian 100 %. About the hieroglyphs:

”To fight against invaders, we built this pyramid fortress. However, our efforts were futile, and we lost (pointy sticks and stones vs lasers and teleportation, duh). Nonetheless, our pyramid was protected by the gods of Scaraba. The invaders will be reborn every millennium and will attack again. Even now, the invaders hide beyond space and time and build their evil stronghold. A place out of time is beyond the Dark, and is even farther beyond the Lost Underworld. The Deep Darkness is shrouded, it is without light.Only one with the Hawk eye can pierce the dark. The Sphinx now watches over everything, waiting for the coming of a truly brave hero.
4 3
2 5
Dance in front of the Sphinx!”

Poo: “Codex! Let's go to Scaraba. The pyramid is the key!”

Before exiting the museum the Arabian gives us a copy of the text for if you forgot something, plus a call from someone we met in Fourside:

”It doesn't sound like you... Well, I'll quickly tell you my story, 'cause I'm busy, busy, busy! I found something so extraordinary that mere words could not do it justice. What do you mean "who am I"? Don't you recognize my voice? It's me, Mr. Spoon from the Fourside Museum of Natural History! Look Mr. Fork, I'm not exaggerating this find! I'm telling you...It's fantastic!...It's outrageous!...”

This will be the last thing I do in the update, checking what Mr. Fork wants, so the party teleports and ask him what’s the matter, he says:

” Hmmmm...You know, there's a new singer named Venus at the Topolla Theater. Could you bring me her autograph on an eraser? Then, I'll show you something "extraordinary."Oh, if you can get her autograph on anything, don't worry about the eraser...I don't care if the autograph is written on toilet paper...”

Fucking fetch-quests. Regardless we go to the Theater for a last time, and quickly find Venus, who accepts to sign an autograph on:

” Oh, and this is a bonus...Smack!”

Win..

“*looking angry* Come on! We have the stupid autograph; let’s give it to that wacko right now; you don’t have anything more to do with that woman!”

And Codex is forcefully dragged to the museum by a jealous Black Cat, where:

”Yup, there's no doubt about it! Now for my promise. I'll tell you about something "extraordinary." In the next room, there is a light shining from far, far below the manhole. There, I found a huge, monster rat! I'm not trying to pull your leg...'I'll let you go there and check it out yourself.”

Lovely, at least I can detect a Sanctuary nearby. Poo, you lead the way!

Poo:” ??? What???”

Duh, it’s a sewer, you should be in your element…


Poo: “… (I must control myself, I must be able to control my anger…)”

The dungeon has nothing specially interesting, and even the guardian isn’t specially difficult nor has dangerous attacks, dying easily (more because at high levels Psi attacks will literally burn bosses to ashes effortlessly, specially with PK Butthurt Gamma and Psy Freeze Omega): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9eE2tYtkjI


Now gentlemen, it’s time of choices (not really)!!!! From the video you can see we could now return to Dalaam to go directly to another Sanctuary’s dungeon, so it’s time to vote:

A: We go and complete Dalaam’s sanctuary (where the rabbits statues are) to complete the dungeons in order.
B: Ignore Dalaam for now and go first to Scaraba
C: I don’t care, just post the next update as soon as you can


Next update will be much later, next week is Christmas time.

 

[lightbane]

Back after having Christmas' Holidays; it seems that all lurkers here had a mutual pact of silence to stalk this topic obsessively, and/or once more you're too shy to post any comment. In any case next update next Thursday-Friday. If possible, bump it to next page so it's less clustered.

 

[ghostdog]

You're an hero.
Keep up the LP and the monty python references.

 

[Silellak]

Bump, bitch.

 

[lightbane]

Meh, I really insist this should reach page 4, so selfbumping so I can post the new update soon.

And for something random, there's an orchestrated song of the original Mother Zero game here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LImAwVjM ... re=related


And the Earthbound version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fr_cYdULAD0