Glaurung
Liberal's alt
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2014
- Messages
- 186
Prologue: A Cup Of Shit
Dragon Age: Inquisition is the third installment in a popular fantasy RPG series, universally beloved by the RPGCodex and the rest of the internet.
In Dragon Age: Origins the Gray Warden saved a fantasy version of medieval England from an invasion of Darkspawn led by a huge purpledildo dragon.
In Dragon Age II Hawke ended upsaving doing nothing whatsoever to stop the mages and templars of Kirkwall from starting a bloody war that claimed the deaths of thousands, including the Grand Cleric, crazy templar woman, Sister Petrice, Ketojan, the Arishok, and Merrill. In addition, the Qunari were involved... sort of.
Now as the soon-to-be Inquisitor we must not only face the aftermath of the mage-templar war, but also an entirely new threat - an invasion of demons from a mystical dream world known as the Fade. The game starts on a lovely Orlesian morning when the mages and templars meet under the supervision of the Chantry leader Divine Justinia V to negotiate a peace treaty. Templars and mages march side-by-side in the direction of the conclave wearing spanking-new identical uniforms, which they had time to produce and distribute despite being in the middle of a bloody war.
Nothing could possibly go wrong.
First things first, we must create our Inquisitor.
Looks like the game got a little too excited at the forthcoming 100+ hours of fun and joy. Hurr hurr.
We get to the character selection screen where we choose our race, gender (female pre-selected), class and difficulty (hard).
Call me unimaginative, but I'll just go with a male human mage character, as per real-life.
This plethora of visual customization settings is wasted on a philistine like me. Slightly modified default head morph it is, adjusted for personal wish fulfillment fantasies.
My wish fulfillment must be suffering from low self-esteem. All right, "Maxwell", let's attend the conference and see if we can broker peace.
I'm guessing this isn't the official state banquet?
I am generally highly mistrustful of places with swirling green mist, jagged rocks and flashes of lightning. Wait, who's this?
Inverted pyramid head, it that you? Were you also invited to the banquet?
Wait, who's that?
Oh my god, Bioware fanboys have found me. Help me, glowing pyramid head!
Quickly, we need to reenact Michelangelo's 'The Creation of Adam', Biodrones are physically harmed by manifestations of true art!
Well, that was both fun and educational. Certainly worth the seventy potatoes I subtracted from my family's quarterly rations. Let's Stop!
Somehow Maxwell ended up all the way down on the ground and fell unconscious in the merry company of a whole three soldiers.
We end up behind bars with a glowing hand. As far asintro cutscenes peace conferences go, that was a total fail. Could we at least get a glimpse of what was going on at the actual conclave? Did we have to start smack-dab in the middle of an explosion?
DAO was unique in that it actually started with six different origins stories that gradually introduced the player to the world and his player character.
DAII put us on the run from an off-screen horde of darkspawn destroying Hawke's off-screen hometown.
Generally you want sequels to expand on the original's strong points, not subtract from them.
Ah, the wonders of Biowarian facial animations. Truly we are blessed.
We see some familiar faces. And hear some familiar accents.
Okay, I can think of approximately ten million reasons, chiefly "There's no reason for you to do that", and "That's a terrible way to start any conversation, regardless of purpose."
Do you want me to answer your question or not?
We are faced with our first ever Biowarian dialogue option - whatever you choose, her response is exactly the same.
"I can't"
"What do you mean you can't?"
"I don't know what it is or how it got there"
"You're lying!"
Why does she think I'm lying? Why is she inexplicably hostile towards me in the first place? I remind you, a conclave blew up, and Maxwell was the only survivor. This is all she knows at this point.
"Let me go!"
"Do you remember what happened? How this began?"
"I remember running. Things were chasing me, and then... a woman?"
"A woman?"
"She reached out to me, but then..."
Yes, yes?! I too am interested to know-
FFS, do you want me to tell you what happened, or not?! This is why women shouldn't be allowed to handle interrogations.
"On that fateful day, I saw with my own eyes that John F. Kennedy's assassin was none other than-"
"YOU VILL SUBMIT TO ZIS QUESTIONING OR DIE, HEATHEN!"
"Right, I'm quite willing to share this inform-"
"SPEAK ZE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT ZE TRUTH!"
"I'm trying to say that the president was killed by the following person-"
"HE VILL TELL US NOTHING OFF WIZ HIS HEAD."
Ending this fruitful interrogation, we come outside to see a big green cloud swirling above the mountain. Swirling. Is. Baaad.
"We call it the Breach. It's a massive rift into the world of demons that grows larger with each passing hour. It's not the only such rift. Just the largest. All were caused by the explosion at the Conclave."
"An explosion can do that?"
"This one did. Unless we act, the Breach may grow until it swallows the world."
What an oddly-specific selection of facts about a completely unprecedented supernatural phenomenon that happened just minutes ago. Did she interrogate some demons while Maxwell was lying passed out?
The Breach pulsates and causes a painful reaction in Maxwell's hand. Cassandra provides information on this issue as well.
"Each time the Breach expands, your mark spreads... and it is killing you."
She's making this all up as she goes along, isn't she?
"Oh, and the mark also causes permanent erectile dysfunction in adult males, which can only be avoided by dosing your genitals in camomile extract while spinning on your left heel thrice under a full moon"
"You still think I'm guilty? That I did this to myself?"
"Not intentionally. Something clearly went wrong."
Yes, mostly EA and SJW agenda.
"So I don't really have a choice about this?"
"None of us has a choice"
Well, you got me there!
"The people of Haven mourn our Most Holy, Divine Justinia, head of the Chantry. The Conclave was hers. It was a chance for peace between mages and templars. She brought their leaders together. Now, they are dead."
It's unlikely that Maxwell was attending the Conclave as one of the mages without knowing any of this.
Lash out like the sky?
"There will be a trial. I can promise no more. Come, it is not far"
"Where are you taking me?"
"Your mark must be tested on something smaller than the Breach."
Well guys, that was the whole intro sequence. No combat or real dialogues yet, but I'm sure we'll be thrilled by copious amounts of both in following segments.
Dragon Age: Inquisition is the third installment in a popular fantasy RPG series, universally beloved by the RPGCodex and the rest of the internet.
In Dragon Age: Origins the Gray Warden saved a fantasy version of medieval England from an invasion of Darkspawn led by a huge purple
In Dragon Age II Hawke ended up
Now as the soon-to-be Inquisitor we must not only face the aftermath of the mage-templar war, but also an entirely new threat - an invasion of demons from a mystical dream world known as the Fade. The game starts on a lovely Orlesian morning when the mages and templars meet under the supervision of the Chantry leader Divine Justinia V to negotiate a peace treaty. Templars and mages march side-by-side in the direction of the conclave wearing spanking-new identical uniforms, which they had time to produce and distribute despite being in the middle of a bloody war.
Nothing could possibly go wrong.
First things first, we must create our Inquisitor.
Looks like the game got a little too excited at the forthcoming 100+ hours of fun and joy. Hurr hurr.
We get to the character selection screen where we choose our race, gender (female pre-selected), class and difficulty (hard).
Call me unimaginative, but I'll just go with a male human mage character, as per real-life.
This plethora of visual customization settings is wasted on a philistine like me. Slightly modified default head morph it is, adjusted for personal wish fulfillment fantasies.
My wish fulfillment must be suffering from low self-esteem. All right, "Maxwell", let's attend the conference and see if we can broker peace.
I'm guessing this isn't the official state banquet?
I am generally highly mistrustful of places with swirling green mist, jagged rocks and flashes of lightning. Wait, who's this?
Inverted pyramid head, it that you? Were you also invited to the banquet?
Wait, who's that?
Oh my god, Bioware fanboys have found me. Help me, glowing pyramid head!
Quickly, we need to reenact Michelangelo's 'The Creation of Adam', Biodrones are physically harmed by manifestations of true art!
Well, that was both fun and educational. Certainly worth the seventy potatoes I subtracted from my family's quarterly rations. Let's Stop!
Somehow Maxwell ended up all the way down on the ground and fell unconscious in the merry company of a whole three soldiers.
We end up behind bars with a glowing hand. As far as
DAO was unique in that it actually started with six different origins stories that gradually introduced the player to the world and his player character.
DAII put us on the run from an off-screen horde of darkspawn destroying Hawke's off-screen hometown.
Generally you want sequels to expand on the original's strong points, not subtract from them.
Ah, the wonders of Biowarian facial animations. Truly we are blessed.
We see some familiar faces. And hear some familiar accents.
Okay, I can think of approximately ten million reasons, chiefly "There's no reason for you to do that", and "That's a terrible way to start any conversation, regardless of purpose."
Do you want me to answer your question or not?
We are faced with our first ever Biowarian dialogue option - whatever you choose, her response is exactly the same.
Why does she think I'm lying? Why is she inexplicably hostile towards me in the first place? I remind you, a conclave blew up, and Maxwell was the only survivor. This is all she knows at this point.
Yes, yes?! I too am interested to know-
FFS, do you want me to tell you what happened, or not?! This is why women shouldn't be allowed to handle interrogations.
"On that fateful day, I saw with my own eyes that John F. Kennedy's assassin was none other than-"
"YOU VILL SUBMIT TO ZIS QUESTIONING OR DIE, HEATHEN!"
"Right, I'm quite willing to share this inform-"
"SPEAK ZE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT ZE TRUTH!"
"I'm trying to say that the president was killed by the following person-"
"HE VILL TELL US NOTHING OFF WIZ HIS HEAD."
Ending this fruitful interrogation, we come outside to see a big green cloud swirling above the mountain. Swirling. Is. Baaad.
What an oddly-specific selection of facts about a completely unprecedented supernatural phenomenon that happened just minutes ago. Did she interrogate some demons while Maxwell was lying passed out?
The Breach pulsates and causes a painful reaction in Maxwell's hand. Cassandra provides information on this issue as well.
She's making this all up as she goes along, isn't she?
"Oh, and the mark also causes permanent erectile dysfunction in adult males, which can only be avoided by dosing your genitals in camomile extract while spinning on your left heel thrice under a full moon"
Yes, mostly EA and SJW agenda.
Well, you got me there!
It's unlikely that Maxwell was attending the Conclave as one of the mages without knowing any of this.
Lash out like the sky?
Well guys, that was the whole intro sequence. No combat or real dialogues yet, but I'm sure we'll be thrilled by copious amounts of both in following segments.
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