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Signs 2002

So let me get this straight, you have aliens that...

> are able to build spaceships capable of interstellar travel
> can't figure out how doorknobs work

> are vulnerable to water
> decide to invade a planet that has 71% of its surface covered by it

M.Shaymalan's brain really does work in mysterious ways.


P.S. An extra half of a troll for tinfoil hats.

 

Hateful Eight
, one of those for Leigh, the other for the over the top violence which was dumb but still worth 1 trollface.

The more of Tarantino's movies I see and the smug assholes and overlong narcissistic and cynical dialogues in them the less I like them. It was kinda cool in Pulp Fiction and Jackie Brown but it gets sooo incredibly old.
Fucking one trick pony with his splatter B movie and spaghetti western obsession, without ever being able to create something genuinely original and coherent.
This one also was far from being coherent, the narrator sucked, the whodunnit was boring because half of these characters didn't get enough focus before the gorefest of a finale (which is baffling since some of them talked without end, but it was all just hot air and badly cut), the whole premise made no fucking sense. Why not hide 2 or 3 guys with guns and shoot the suckers that come in instead of this bullshit? Because "Henchman" Ruth is such a badass? Fuck off!
If they would have come right to the point that would have spared us the boring back and forths at least. Which didn't even work, Jackson's character looked like an idiot for not already disposing of that Mexican in the stable and Goggins seems to be eternally stuck to playing racist rednecks that don't really mean it and are just being ironic or some shit. Can't take any of these chars seriously except for Leigh's and Tatum's gang leading siblings. For me Leigh was the only saving grace to this whole mess. Well, and the violence. So shitty movie as expected from Tarantino by now, but at least this time the shootout kinda worked (unlike that horrible mess in Django Unchained).

 

I went to the movies a lot, lately...

The Martian

Yay, Matt Demon gets forgotten on a planet. Again. I quite enjoyed The Martian. Yeah it's sci-fi, some stuff won't make sense, but the movie kinda does make sense, and it's well done both visually and script-wise, and it even manages to throw in a few honestly lighthearted moments which really help breaking the general catastrophic mood (which, for example, is what Gravity went full-retard about, just piling up mishap over mishap). Good movie. Will watch again. I'd give it the same score as Interstellar, although at the end of the day I enjoyed The Martian more (Interstellar really shot itself in the foot with the time-space-continuum bullshit in the finale, IMHO).


Star Wars Episode VII

This should deserve a post on its own in its dedicated thread, but here we are. Bulletpoints style, because I'm a lazy fuck.
Cons:
-Bad guys. Disney cannot into them. EVER. Kylo Ren is a teenager pussy (not unlike Ana[l]kin), the "Ren goes mad and destroys PCs with a lightssaber" scenes had me laugh out loud in the middle of the theatre (really reminded me of that old youtube video of a german fat teenager waiting for -I believe- UT to load on his desktop), his lines are not as bad as Ana(l)kin's but sure as hell they try to be. And don't even get me started on the rugged-bladed cross-guard lightsaber. The rest of the bad guys are honestly even more of a PG-6 nightmare. Hux seems like a character from Austin Powers (his "Hitlerian" speech just sounds phony and comedic, rather than anything else) and Captain Phasma is just garnish. The Supreme Leader: LOL again. What is it, Kin Jong-il gone Dark Side? Where's the sunglasses and the olive-drab parka? Nowhere near as ominous as Vader in Episode IV, not even as Palpatine in episodes II/V/VI. Seriously. This is probably my main complaint with the movie, though.
-Again, not enough space battles. Hell, the franchise's name is Star Wars, not Planetary Squabbles or Moderate Skirmishes, I wonder if anyone in the industry can kinda catch on to that.
-At points, I felt the humour was a tad too much.
-Rey seems to only have one expression, which is one less that Clint Eastwood (according to the famous quote). She's kinda cure though?
-The whole Leia-Solo-Ren thing. Good Lord what a mushy pulp (there's still good in him / bring him back / help me with what I must do but I don't have the balls to do and so on). Puke-inducing at best, but they needed an excuse to

MOVIE SPOILER (open) MOVIE SPOILER (close)

kill (see below) Solo,

didn't they?
-Too much "recycling" from the OT (Only Trilogy, you heathens). Yeah I get they wanted to get past ep I-II-III and re-establish continuity with ep IV-V-VI, but recycling every other line from the old movies, often in a bit of a forced way, was a tad too much on occasions.
-Starkiller Base... well, do I even need to say anything about how stupid the whole thing is? Including the "single weak spot accessible via an open trench guarded by turbolasers only" design (Imperial Engineers. Imperial Engineers never change.), the lack of railings on gangways that cross bottomless pits, and a firing procedure that conveniently takes ages. It also vaguely reminded me of the Galaxy Gun from the Dark Empire comic book series. I think it's about time


Pros:
-Yay! Stormtroopers can actually hit shit! Including Chewie.
-Lots of visual references to the OT, in so many scenes. Good stuff. Nostalgia gripping my guts. Muh feelz.
-As I foretold on many an occasion, Disney couldn't do any worse than Lucas himself did recently, and in fact, they managed to do much better, under pretty much every aspect.
-Rey isn't actually half as annoying as Luke was.
-Rey is actually twice as hot as Leia was (hatersgonnahate/dealwithit).
-Very good visuals.
-Everything else that's in neither list.
-No Jar-Jar equivalent (so far).
-Good pacing.
-Good exploration of different planets (sand > jungle > ice), can't wait for some proper urban environment in ep 8 and 9 (I'd love to properly see Nar Shaddaa in a SW movie, I used to love the Nar Shaddaa levels, in any SW game really).
-Everything else that's not in the "Cons" list, really.

In Conclusion:
I really, really liked Episode VII, and even went to the movies two days in a row to watch it. It's even better than Episode VI.

Final Note:
Since the Empire (what's left of it) started enrolling black people, they had to start putting their Tie's on a chain...

PS:

MOVIE SPOILER (open) MOVIE SPOILER (close)

Han Solo. NOT dead. I call it as of now.

The Hateful Eight

Surprisingly shit. It's, literally, a copypasted Western remake of Reservoir Dogs. It's literally identical, but shit. Nothing really happens in the first 45' of the movie, the 70mm special edishun is (obviously) a commercial sham (it was the only one available when I went to see it, and it didn't really feel all that special), and even the Western theme is made superfluous by the plot. Seriously, this feels like the movie version of a crap B-side, or some amateurish attempt at being Tarantino. All he had to do was to shit some sort of Django 2 script. But noooooooooooo, let's go psychological demi-thriller in the West instead. Let's make an And then there were none styled melting pot of acting and random scenes, probably stuff that was cut out of the Django script or nightly drunken musings of Tarantino. I'm not impressed. Not impressed at all. Well, I gave it one troll because it's still not as shit as Deathproof.

 

The Driver (1978) is a good movie.

Drive (2011), not so much.

I found the latter boring, dull and oddly paced (I took no film class, nor I have a negative bias against any of the movie's crew).

It feels like the movie equivalent of certain Jazz music, which I can't put into words right now apart for the "weird" and "experimental". It has a very "nightly" feeling to it, soothing at times, but mostly conveys a feeling of mild "suspense" that never turns into an actual resolution or twist. It's just a lingering mood, hanging low over the whole movie like a mist.

 

It's still better and more enjoyable than QoS AND especially Skyfall, and it isn't as much of a tryhard as those two. True story.

 

F.I.S.T (1978) 6/10

An early Stallone flick, was slightly better that I expected. Didn't work out as well as it could have, but Stallone is not to blame.

How epic it would be to have Stallone and Nicholson yelling at each other in a court room

 

Better than Skyfall, wat. You need to lay off those drugs, before the brain damage becomes permanent, son.

Skyfall had: inventive action, interesting visuals, practical effects, cool villain, best "M", tasteful fan service AND on top of everything else even a coming of age theme for Bond, which gave the story weight and gave the character an arc.
Spectre had: forgettable action, stock footage landscape shots, embarrassing CGI, 1-dimensional characters, wasted Waltz, Fiennes and Belucci, corny and tone-deaf humour, constant references to the superior trilogy, retarded villain. If you were laughing during this movie, you were laughing at it and that is ok, because it's a terrible movie. Just don't pretend that that is what the movie actually intended to be, because the overall tone is very much srs bzns, which is why the corny 50s-era jokes don't fit and fall flat.

Regarding your opinion on Drive: look, it's fine if you watch movies while you're high, just put a disclaimer on your posts. Otherwise one might think that you're slow or something, seeing how you failed to pick up on the character arc in Drive. And if you're actually slow - hey, I'm not going to hold it against you.

 

Could never be bothered with Bland Bond after the Quantum of Solace debacle. I think the guy they picked to write the next Bond, some jew named Anthony Horowitz, wanted to dress Idris Elba in drag and change M into a ladyboy but things didn't worked out so far. Ah, Hollywood, how I weep for thee.

 

Sooooo, dear edgy newfag, where to begin?

Best "M". Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-kay. I could never stand M as the character was written for Judi Dench. Simply heinous (but hey that's personal preference so let's say it doesn't really count). Plus the whole 9/11-in-London theme... VERY inventive, right.

SPECTRE is poor a no-brain-needed action movie. Your critiques are kinda valid but the movie remains enjoyable in its shallowness.
Skyfall is a terrible, try-hard, overly-dramatic slob. Die Hard is, like, at least 250x times better (but I'd go as far as to say even 257x or 258x), just to name one. Any Sean Connery JB movie is better than Skyfall, yes even Thunderball.
QoS is... well, just a mess, really. Having the shits is more an enjoyable experience than this.

(Demi-quoting you, now) Regarding YOUR opinion on Drive: look, it's fine if you watch movies while you're 13, just put a disclaimer on your posts (although that newfag "Joined" date kinda doubles for it). Otherwise one might think that you're slow or something, seeing how you actually managed to get engrossed by the so-called "character arc" in Drive. And if you're actually 13 - hey, go play Mass Effect 2 or DA:I or something (great character arcs to surely fit your taste, there), I'm not gonna hold it against you.

Also, you might want to pull some arguments different than "you're high" (you did both with someone else and with me, and it's getting trite), when whiteknighting for movies you like that [SHOCKING!!!] other people on the internet don't.

 

Jools has really shit strange taste in movies.

 

Actually M was a dude before being hollywoodly transformed into that fat dyke.

 

The difference being, I never go full-retard or full-fanboy when people bash the movies I like (many of which would probably get a lot of shit thrown at). Jeez. I don't wanna sound like a fucking librul, but hey, it's the Internet and people have, like, this thing called opinions (I am old enough to live with the opinions of other people being complete bullshit different than mine ).

 

I know. Hence my remark to stress that that specific M was written specifically for Judi Dench. And to make the franchise more , OFC (otherwise feminazis would have rampaged because Bond movies only ever feature wymmyn as eye candy and sexualized objects and all that bullshit).

 

The repeat use of the "007 going rogue" plot has been beaten to death imo. I like the new Cruise's M:Is (3, 4, 5), but should fucking cut that off too.

 

Ned Rifle

Deluded Weirdo who believes god exists (he'd fit right in at the Codex) sets out on an extremely implausible mission to kill his biodad... because biodad was mean to Weirdo's mother and abandoned the family. Weirdo meets slutty stalker who likes bad poetry. Teen-angsty dialog ensues. Some people get shot.

Actual movie:
Aubrey Plaza's ass:

 

Going through the two Seasons of "The Knick" right now:



Pretty fucking awesome so far. Steven Soderbergh and Clive Owen team up to give us a look at the early 1900s state of medicine at the New York's Knickerbocker Hospital.

 

Space Cop

 

Jools mate, I told you - it's OK, if you're slow. Your poor level of reading comprehension (you misread inventive action for inventive plot) combined with your shitty taste and also your inability to enjoy anything but the shallowest shit are telling of this. Please don't take it personally, that I attacked you for your opinions before - it was wrong of me. I only did it, because at first I thought that you were an equal, who was wrong on the internet . I apologize.

 

MacGruber

3/5 because it's hilarious in its insane profanity and the jokes usually are great but the story is as boring as any other such parody

 

You're actually far more entertaining than Skyfall. Please, continue to throw random stabs at me. I am amused.

 

Haha - a story with weight!
Daniel Craig moves like a really strong ape which looks kinda nice if somebody's hitting him over his head with an iron pipe but his character is one of the most lifeless, indestructible and characterless action heroes I can recall. The movies are well made and fun but that's got nothing to do with any story or a character arc.

Waltz was really wasted and I had an impression he's not really good at that role anyway, like he had no idea what to do.
I wish they would stop with this retarded washed-out filter over the screen, why everything needs to look fucking grey? UH DOH LETS SHOOT A SCENE IN BRASIL FOR 50 MILLION DOLLARS TO SHOW OFF AN EXOTIC LOCATION AND THEN COVER THE CAMERA WITH GREY SHIT
geniuses
I watched the old Connery Bonds after seeing Spectre and they were fucking boring but the colours looked better.

 

Waltz got a taste of that Hollywood money, and now he'll do anything. He's currently appearing in TV commercials for shitty microtransaction mobile games in the US. It's sad to see.

 

Ghosts of Mars(2001)
6/10

Improved my note by +2 due to can opening scene. Movie deliever exactly what one would expect from having both jason statham(with hair) and ice cube

 

Guys, I've been rewatching the Mission Impossibles.
Now, I'm not interested in reviewing all of them. They are what they are.

My point, today, is that J.J. Abrams is a hack.
In MI3, you would start to see his signature "style", which would become painfully evident in later "efforts" like Star Trek and Star Wars VII.
That is: "copy shit from other movies and package an action shit film out of it."

The plot of MI3? Some biological hazard canister being sold.
EXACTLY THE SAME PLOT AS MI2!!!


Except this time he doesn't even bother to explain what the hazard is.
It's like he's winking at the audiences while saying: "look, we all know this would only be a PLOT DEVICE, so why don't we skip the bullshit and just call it PLOT DEVICE".
What's worse, he thinks that's being funny and clever, instead of being a cheap trick that dooms your movie to eternal cheapness and irrelevancy once past the BO haze.
The action piece set in an "Asian Skyscraper, where the canister is located". Already seen.... in MI2, again!
Good lord, can't you AT LEAST LOOK A BIT FURTHER WHEN YOU COPY PLOTS AND SCENARIOS ?!?!
Good lord J.J., how lazy are you, exactly?!
The only original thing (but it might be my fault for not spotting a reference) is the brain bomb, that was cool, except it was used to kill-off the only interesting female character.

Oh well.
Still nothing like J.J.'s Star Wars, I guess, where literally everything is copied from the previous movies, except made dumber.