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5. Hydroponics for growing. Alcohol will heat us up as it should in proper KOMUNISTIC KOLONY!
Husky... I'd name him Slaughter because in case of starvation he will be first to slaughter. And it's close enough to be named after The Brazilian Slaughter I wonder if they have Husky's in Brazil.
Love how the lp seamlessly fluctuates between a more small-scale, sit com like whammy writing and epic conspiracy storytelling. Marvelous job, Kommissar Grim Wulf of Eternal Frost in Forlorn Woods of Solitude Howling to the Dark Moon of Glorious Kommunism.
You have an errand boy AND yourself. Both of you are decent crafters, and our workshop sports some nice toolsets. So you may pick two items in total* from the following lists:
Cheetah is the only real man in KKK despite the fact that she is a woman.
Also with vegetables Grimwulf can make even better borsch. Borsch and vodka. True kommunistic paradise.
Fuckin Grimwulf thought he could bamboozle me, living in a palace while im left with nuthin.
"Har-har!! Stupid Kalin can't build shit, I got monopaly on buildin shit around here!"
Yeah Grim, dat clevur. Realy clevur. Except for one littul detail:
Im a mothafuckin first class miner!
Cheap fuck aint gon build me my CITIZEN QUARTER as PROMISED! I can't BUILD SHIT so ima gonna MINE my own place in dem mountins.
I already mine and haul shit all day long. KKKers are lazy fucks, no one will figure out a thing.
Yep, totally gonna work. Cover the door with some covery shit, then stock my sekrut place with all da goodies I can smuggle away.
Kalinz Kapitalist Kontrarevaloshun baby!
7. Plumbing. I've lost the whole pigsty to frostbite this way, don't really want Cheetah to need amputations and a special brand of KKK's medical attention.
Fuckin Grimwulf thought he could bamboozle me, living in a palace while im left with nuthin.
"Har-har!! Stupid Kalin can't build shit, I got monopaly on buildin shit around here!"
Yeah Grim, dat clevur. Realy clevur. Except for one littul detail:
Im a mothafuckin first class miner!
Cheap fuck aint gon build me my CITIZEN QUARTER as PROMISED! I can't BUILD SHIT so ima gonna MINE my own place in dem mountins.
I already mine and haul shit all day long. KKKers are lazy fucks, no one will figure out a thing.
Yep, totally gonna work. Cover the door with some covery shit, then stock my sekrut place with all da goodies I can smuggle away.
Kalinz Kapitalist Kontrarevaloshun baby!
Anyway, I wish all the best to Kalin and his underground Kapitalist Korporashun. Clearly, Grimwulf's utopia needs a worthy adversary that personifies everything they fight against to keep them motivated.
Anyway, let's research Hydroponics, otherwise the colony will be known as a failed social experiment that collapsed due to a serious lack of alcohol and Kapitalism will become the way of the future.
But... but.. that's not a goat. It's a Grimdoe. Your ancestral archenemy. I tamed it for you. To employ it as an unstoppable weapon of mass destruction. Learn from your enemy's behavior. Tactics. Weaknesses. SCIENCE!
Do whatever you like with it.
I thought you were proud of me. Sad.
Need ice crea--- awwww, no vodka. Doubleplussad.
5. Hydroponics. Need some other plants to talk to. And a place for Azira to emerge next spring.
Building an opulent mansion that oozes decadence whilst the people starve and prioritizing creature comforts such as "modern plumbing" are warning signs that we are abandoning the true communistic way. We have perfectly functioning pit latrines, damnit, that's more then you get when you go out camping!
My vote goes to batteries. It's not sexy, it's not exciting, but it's a needed building block for progress and civilization. I'd normally prioritize food and therefore hydrophonics but without batteries it's kinda pointless.
1. Solar Panels (need energy for sun lamps, need sun lamps for growing plants -> hops - beer, strawberries - no more fucking cooking)
2. Smithing (need for Machining)
3. Machining (Guns!)
Votes are no longer accepted. We research Hydroponics, since Cheetah and Blobra decided to roll like that. Grimwulf voted Plumbing, because CHORUS INSIDE THE HEAD, while Kalin and Lizzurd abstained for reasons unknown.
It's Friday. People all over the world enjoy coming home after work, relaxing, making plans for the weekend.
Except Grimwulf. For Grimwulf, each Friday marks the start of great pain and suffering which is KKK. Only through the sheer power of will he is able to withstand and endure this challenge. How does he manage to stay calm? Marx only knows.
HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO SET UP HYDROPONICS WITHOUT ELECTRICITY?! HOW?? HOOOOOOW???
Good morning, Senor! Your face makes me feel gorgeous.
What's that supposed to mean? Actually, nevermind. I don't want to know.
*opens the door* Breakfast. Eat.
THE ANGEL OF MY LIF--
Shut it. *starts writing something at research bench*
*growls while staring at Lizzurd*
Umm, would you tell your dog to calm down?
Take it easy, Slaughter. We shall deal with Lizzurd in proper time.
Woof!
Slaughter?
He smells of blood.
Ah, yes. Sangre de perro! Brilliant.
Who in their sane mind would name a dog Slaughter??
*shrugs* Grimwulf named his new goat Grimdoe.
Brilliant.
I'm done. *finishes his work*
Running errands for Kalin?
Nope. Just your ordinary apprentice duties. These boots look solid, no?
Yes? No? No?
No.
*sigh* Next on the list: winter gloves for Kalin.
Would you keep it down, Senor Lizzurd? A decent gentleman is trying to rest.
*kicks Trobo*
AY AY! What was that for??
Eat your stew and start working, savage.
A bit later.
Aaand done!
Jejeje, I've seen better gloves tailored by baby savages!
Fuck you, Trobo. *goes outside*
*burps* Foul broth - DIGESTED. Now I will show Senorita how a MAN does STONECUTTING. *grabs a chunk*
*watches Trobo*
*hugs a stone chunk gently*
What are you doing?
Love.
...
I know that look. Feministas look at me like that when they try to determine if I am a communist or not. I am not.
Do you have a slightest idea what does it mean to cut stone blocks?
*touches stone chunk intimately*
I see. *returns to her work at research table*
Since Trobo doesn't make any progress while stonecutting, he is no longer forced to work.
Later that morning.
Bark! BARK!
Hrmmmm. Git out, beast. Shoo!
Heh heh heh.
We gotta go, Grimwulf. Lots of things need to be done!
*yawns* Yeah, yeah. Coming... Almost...
*bites Grimwulf's foot*
HEY!!! Fuck! Piece of dogmeat, motherf
One hour later.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! FUCK, FUCK!!!
*chuckles* Papa bear woke up at last.
*SLAMS the door open* YOU THERE, PROLETARIAN!
Who, me?
YES, dammit! YOU! How many fingers you got? Need someone with a farkin' thumb outside.
I do have a thumb, Senor Kommissar.
Then why don't you PULL IT OUT OF YOUR ASS?!
Morning, Grim. Slept well?
Would sleep better AND LONGER if there was FUCKING SOMEONE capable around here! I hafta do everything myself!
You're doing great, though.
*enters the workshop like a boss of life* Move along, citizens! DA SPACE COP is watchin' ye. Oh hey, MAH NEW GLOVES! And BOOTS!
Hey! Look at how fkn SNAZZY I am! Finally sum perks around here!
Kalin. Grimwulf. Come over. *spreads her notes over the research table*
Hrmpf?
What's that?
Barebones basic intel on major powers around here. Things you have to know.
Some of these factions I know pretty well, and some of them remain a mystery. You should keep an eye for allies, Grimwulf. We won't survive a war on our own.
I'm more of a Grim Curtain man myself. Shredder them all with turrets first, ask questions later.
We're all socialites here, Snow White.
Are you done? Look. There is Insten, the Outlander Union.
Their leader Slag holds a bitter grudge against me and my family, but it's not an issue. Insten needs strong trading partners. KKK has that potential.
KKK's potential can be described in one word: KALIN.
Medieval societies might be our second best bet. The major ones are The Crowned Bat and Council of the Green Cockroach.
Green Cockroach? Why not RED DICKSALMON?
Cockroaches are more numerous, but The Crowned Bat owes me more favours. Now, there is also the the Assassin's Outfit.
Mercenaries specializing in assassinations. Their Warlord Zeke is Zeppy's brother. Remember Zeppy?
Ye kiddin'? I poked so many new holes in her body, she's basically Sponge Bob right now!
Who?
Oh, come on! "Are you ready, kids?", - "Aye aye, uncle Kalin!!"
...
"Who lives in a fucking excuse of a barrack", - "Kalin SpaceCop"
...
"Who almost drowned while sailing a carrack", - "Kalin SpaceCop"
...
"If well-deserved bonas is held by a schmuck", - "Kalin SpaceCop"
...
"Call dibs on a steel club and go fuck him up", - "Kalin SpaceCop"
...
READY?! Kalin SpaceCop, Kalin SpaceCop, Kalin Sp-- *claps his hands and dances by himself* Wooooooo *grabs crotch*
Brilliant.
... Anyway, KKK is a sworn enemy of Zeke now. Forget about negotiations. Next we have Elder Things. A small society, to be sure, and extremely difficult to deal with.
Just send 'em ice cream and vodka. Worked with Blobra.
Blobra is... how do I put it?
SPESHUL?
Speshul. Yes. They are alien, and so are their minds.
Hrmpf. What about fishfolk?
Unreliable and unresourceful. Wouldn't make that bet, Grim.
The Agency, however, does have competent fighters among their ranks. Problem is, they are assholes, each and every one of them.
Aren't we all?
Salvajes, Senorita. That's where manly men come from.
The tribals, yes. More pain in our asses.
They would be the worst, if not for the Slicer Team.
Is there a Basher Squad? I would totally sign up.
Among all the raider bands roaming these lands, the Slicer Team, led by Golden Jane, is the most organized and brutal. They know tactics, they have a steady supply of recruits, guns and ammo, but worst of all - they do not talk.
No negotiations, eh?
You don't get it. They do not talk. Do you know why they call her Golden Jane?
Shiny butt?
She cut off her tongue and replaced it with a golden one. Her officers are forced to do the same during the initiation.
Wish we could do the same to Grimwulf. Fucking Grimwulf.
That's it, Che? That's all we got?
Yes. I won't bother to mention smaller groups and towns, as they are irrelevant right now. Additionally, there are new powers of which I don't know much.
Like the helicopter guys who destroyed Trudograd?
Bearers of the bloody spade emblem. Werewolf clans are starting to form as well. It's a relatively new plague, but I've heard a disturbing rumor about a particularly powerful clan--
Meh. Saw them. Wasn't impressed.
Finally, there is a group of soldiers, more like a legend, said to be appearing here and there. They shoot everything they see and vanish into nothingness afterwards. I've been trying to ambush them for years, but to no avail.
Soldiers..? They could be the the spade guys.
No. These are different.
How do you know?
I just know things, Grim.
Awright, that's enough information to reflect upon. Time to work. KALIN, go cut bushes around the base - I need clean ground to build stuff.
And I need faces to bash, Grimwulf! We don't always get what we want!!
To each according to his needs. Cheetah, you--
I'll stay here for intellectual labour.
Eh? What's that?
Something you'll never know.
Later that day.
So calm. It's easy to get used to.
Yeah.
Stay sharp, Grimwulf. Remember: THE GERMANS.
Lizzurd is probably German.
He seems to take his duties seriously. Weirdo.
*GUUUUUUUUUURGLE*
Bro Bro, what's wrong?
*pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop*
*rapidly crawling inside the shit cave*
Hoommmm... Can you imagine--
SHUT UP!
*crawling outside victorious*
Attagirl! Now go bring me DEAD HARES!
*WAR GURGLE*
This is the weirdest fucking colony I have ever seen.
Trobo still manages to resist Cheetah's charm.
But he will break. Just like all of us did, in a way.
KKK is bursting with activity. Not with effectiveness, mind you.
All in all, I've seen worse days on this goddamn Rimworld. Gonna go to sleep earlier this day.
Hey, Grim.
What now, Azira?
Why don't you leave the bedroom door open? So that, you know, the heat would reach Cheetah's couch?
Hrmpf. Fine.
Later that evening.
GRIMWUUUUUUUUUULF!!
Fucking WHAT, what?!
Ya sleepin'?
Should have kept the fucking door closed, WHAT DO YOU WANT, nasty-eye fucker?!
We're running out of food again, stupid fuck!
So eat a damn dead squirrel!
Fuck you!
Fuck YOU!
Meanwhile.
I find something fishy about you, Trobo.
What can I say? I love fish.
You don't smell right.
Si. Kommissar's borsch has a very... peculiar odor.
Is that beard fake, Trobo?
Touch it. Touch my face. Touch my whole body! TOUCH ME, SENORITA, SWEET LUCIDNESS OF MY DREAMS!!!
I'd rather touch a giant poisonous hedgehog.
Later that night.
*bubbling*
Good night, Bimbo.
*quiet popping*
*falls asleep under the sounds of Elder Thing's pop-pop's*
One hour later.
*sneaks outside*
*tunining the receiver* Hmmm. Did everything right, I did. No. No. Yes? Hmm.
The signal isn't weak, no. No. Something else. Must be something else. Has to be. Yes. No?
Can't be, but... Fuck. No other options. No other. None. Something is interrupting the signal. Yess.
It's just a landmark, though. Just a... landm...
*takes a deep breath and does his best to collect himself*
Just a-- WHO'S THERE?! F-fuck... *looks in the distant forest* Stay calm and investigate the monolith, Lizzurd.
*the receiver starts to pick up whispers*
*psh* Lizzurd... *psh psh* Lizzurd...
*turns off the receiver* Kek. Just... My imagination.
Lizzurd
*throws the receiver into the river, takes a deep breath, looks above* What a starry night. *begins investigating the monolith, completely ignoring the silhouette of an armless man standing in a distant forest*
I wonder if they have Husky's in Brazil.
