Kodex Key Kontest: Xenonauts

[Ulminati]

So. Xenonauts. It's out soon™ and has caused something of a stir on the Codex lately with 3 let's plays in the playground.
If you don't know the game, you could do worse than checking out the Beta Let's Plays (1, 2, 3) or game discussion thread.

As it just so happens, I have keys to spare from back when I backed the kickstarter. And I want you* to have one of them!
I initially thought I'd give them away in the beg-beg-beg-beg thread, but that thing's declined and hit rock bottom since MHC left us. So I'm making a contest instead. I have two keys I'm sending to two lucky winnars. The keys are to the Humble Store, so you can even elect to have the game DRM free if you wear a tinfoil hat and you're scared of GabeN.

The rules are simple. Post original content in this thread. It can be pictures, sound, videos, short stories, whatever you like. The topic must be a fictional mission in the game. Whether it's (A)wesome explosions, (T)asteful rape or something altogether different is up to you. As is what the exact nature of the mission is.

2 winners will be chosen Sunday, May 18th, at 18:00 Central European Time. One key will go to whichever entry makes me laugh the hardest or engages my emotions the best. The other will go to the "people's choice" entry that receives the most brofists from other posters. If the people's choice is tied, I'll roll a die for the tiebreaker.

People who already have the game are ineligible. (It's not BRO to hoard a key you don't need yourself). I'm counting on you to be honorable and notify up-front if you have the game and are only posting for lulz. Limit 1 entry per person. That's actual persons, not codex accounts. Alts are verboten.


I look forward to seeing what the Kodex can produce. May the best BRO win.


*No, not you. That bro over there.

 

[TripJack]

Ulminati and the Alien by tripjack

The faggot exits the skyranger, weapon at the ready. Whoops, out of nowhere a hidden alien fires a plasma round into the skyranger before the fag's squadmates can exit. The fag is covered in a warm pink mist of what used to be his brothers in arms. The fag begins to cry and drops his weapon. The alien strolls out into the open. On your knees bitch hisses the alien as it drops its alien drawers. The fag gets on his knees and his tears of sadness become tears of joy as he see's the alien's fully erect multiheaded alien dong. The alien rubs the throbbing multiheaded green mass all over the fag's face and chest, coating it with pink humanmist. Open commands the alien and the fag opens his mouth to receive the alien's magnificent package. One head in, two heads in, finally all heads in! The fag is in ecstasy as he feels the end of the alien dong tickling the bottom of his stomach. After 2 minutes of this the alien grunts loudly and dumps many gallons of his alien seed into the fag. The alien pulls out and beckons over a dozen of his alien friends to come and share in his pleasure. The fag strips down and lets out a girlish giggle as he positions himself for the alien gangbang. And Ulminati and his new alien husbands lived happily ever after.

The end.

 

[anus_pounder]

 

[spectre]

So ur with yr m8s from SEXCUM chilling out in
teh SKYRANGER wen Cpt. Kurkenko says big text
it say HIDDEN MOVEMENT. He step outside whn
I hear him screams “ohmygod it is hitting ass and leg”.
I tell “ Cpt. Kurkenko is ded”.
THEN WHO WAS BIG TEXT?!

 

[anus_pounder]

 

[evdk]

The other plan that asked for posting photos of your hovel and some identifying feature, deciding the winner on the most pitiful living conditions was better. This is gonna be full of tryhards and then felipepepe will win.

 

[Ulminati]

As if people wouldn't tryhard on pictures of their hovel as well evdk. At least this way the only smearing of feces all over the place people will do is the metaphorical kind.

 

[felipepepe]

This is gonna be full of tryhards and then felipepepe will win.

I own the game already, and I'm busy with the book.

 

[The Brazilian Slaughter]

The other plan that asked for posting photos of your hovel and some identifying feature, deciding the winner on the most pitiful living conditions was better. This is gonna be full of tryhards and then felipepepe will win.

Pfff, if your hovel ins't caked with shit on the walls and cockroaches roaming through the ground, you're not even trying,

Can we do only one submission?

 

[Renegen]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
The aliens are coming
They're going to kill you

 

[sser]

The average Xenonaut's life is fraught with the rot of an alien lot. What it's not is tying knots and cleaning pots. You keep the receipt to prove what you bought. Stop. This ain't not Carmax, it's a used car lot. Don't research a yacht, there's no seanauts to be fought. I used lot twice.

 

[spekkio]

I plan to grab the game from TPB, but thanks for the effort.

 

[ERYFKRAD]

Brb, installing Garry's mod or something.

 

[Raghar]

I didn't know what Free Bruticis! is but I voted yes.

 

[Night Goat]

The dropship hovered above the desert, before touching down on the burning sand. A short distance away stood the geographical formation humans knew as Ayers Rock. The landmark had stood unchanged for aeons, but recently a circular blast door had appeared upon its surface. The psions had detected a huge amount of mental activity somewhere within, but could not guess at the source. For the first time the invaders could remember, they were confronting the unknown.

The aliens had brought plenty of ultra-thermite on this mission; they could take as much time as they needed to burn through the vault door. As they approached, however, the door opened, as if inviting them.

The praetor leading the mission urged caution to its comrades. The team entered the vault, and found something they never could have expected.

A mound of skulls. Dozens of them, despite the humans' bizarre aversion to collecting trophies from their own kind. But were these human skulls at all? The fronts looked normal enough, but the backs were strangely elongated - certainly, the cranial capacity was greater than that any human they'd studied.

The aliens did not have long to ponder their find, before a jar came flying from the darkness like a rocket. It struck the Praetor's head, killing him instantly. The invaders could faintly make out a huge shape in the darkness, like that of a man, but far bulkier than those weak creatures. Then the shape let out a bellowing warcry: "You don't even know what you don't know!"

The aliens opened fire, but despite his immense size, the creature avoided their projectiles effortlessly. He came to the closest, a Sebillian, and shattered its skeleton with a single blow. He moved gracefully to the next invader, an Andron, and pulled its body apart, metal shards striking his skin but failing to break it. For the first time, the aliens knew fear.

It was a massacre. The enormous man disassembled the aliens as thoroughly as any autopsy. When the last had fallen, he left the vault and entered the alien craft. With his superior intellect, he mastered the spaceship's controls in a matter of minutes. At last, he could escape from the manboons forever. And at last, no one could pester him to finish his game.

 

[MasterSmithFandango]

snip

Mother fucking beautiful.

 

[Unkillable Cat]

If you play Xenonauts backwards, it's about a highly advanced spacefaring species punishing Mankind by packing all their stuff together and leaving and also by de-evolving our technology so that we're forced to burn fossil fuels, watch M*A*S*H* and listen to disco.

 

[Ulminati]

Got delayed a bit on the way home, so the contest got to run for 1 hr longer. Not that it made a difference it seems. :3

Congratulations to Night Goat for getting the most brofists. I was going to pick his entry myself, since Cleve never fails to amuse. But it'd be silly to give both keys away to the same person.

It's a bit lean pickings after that unfortnately. Night goat was the only person who seemed to put any effort into this. I guess Kodex cannot into writing.
Unkillable Cat managed to get a chuckle out of me, which is more than the rest of the entries did. So I guess he wins by default.

Urls to claim your keys from the humble store should be in your inbox in a couple of minutes.

 

[Admiral jimbob]

fug i was going to do a comic for this and forgot

 

[WetWorks]

I only seen dis naow.

Wuld hv liekd key, waz gonna wirte a hole story about private power and seargent death and their crzasu sheninagings. Deres was gonna bes exspoofns and pwe pew aliens lazer guns shootin blaster shots and grenadessa and sexxy barbies.

 

[Scroo]

fug i was going to do a comic for this and forgot

I wanted to do something too, possibly a drawing, but forgot about it either

 

[Unkillable Cat]

I won with something that literally took me longer to type than to come up with?

 

[Ulminati]

It wasn't like you were up against stuff competition. I was counting on felipepepe or jimbob to provide some quality lulz, but they let me down. Maybe I should've gone with evdks idea of taking pictures of your disgusting hovel after all.

 

[TripJack]

christ you have shit taste

 

[Hoaxmetal]

I wanted to make something in Sims3 but I forgot too, like most of people here :D