Nog Robbin
Scholar
Looks like someone is a spoon guard fan 
Awesome work - keep it up!
Awesome work - keep it up!
-
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Imperial Freelance Knights of the Ni - Oblivion DLC reviewed
- Thread starter Admiral Rimjob POOBUM
- Start date
Admiral Rimjob POOBUM
Arcane
Nog Robbin said:Looks like someone is a spoon guard fan
What the hell is spoon guard?
OccupatedVoid
Arbiter
Remember that quote on the ESF with the link to this wonderful review? The quote was removed, but the post's contents remained. I don't see how, though, you gave the Horse Armor a 23323211656439/10 .
KreideBein
Scholar
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2006
- Messages
- 957
OccupatedVoid said:
It took them what, like, two days to figure out that that link was there? It'd be interesting to see how many people actually followed it here.
Admiral Rimjob POOBUM
Arcane
Given the thread views, quite a few. Though, on the downside, they now seem convinced for some reason that that reviewer was me.
OccupatedVoid
Arbiter
Was he?Admiral jimbob said:
Admiral Rimjob POOBUM
Arcane
OccupatedVoid said:
I bloody well hope not.
cutterjohn
Cipher
obviously not...Admiral jimbob said:
oic. And pray tell, Jimbob just how you happened to come across this info?
I still like Mr. Ed better though, as I like the idea of the talkung horsey better than the fucking horsey mod...
OccupatedVoid
Arbiter
Hurry! I need Part 3!
That was actually the intent when I posted it, in that I wanted them to ban him for linking to the Codex and finally have them remove that piece of shit [Dev: Well written stuff!] review. That he is a dim bulb and actually quoted the link in a positive manner without recognizing it just made things easier.
As for them thinking you're an illiterate moron who isn't capable of forming a coherent paragraph [Dev: Not true, great well written review!], well, unfortunate things occur in wars.
OccupatedVoid
Arbiter
Let's do this again! We shall make loyal Oblivion fans hate the ESF!Chinese Jetpilot said:
Darkflame
Scholar
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2006
- Messages
- 209
Shoelip said:Well I got bored of OB again and uninstalled it, so no talking horse mod.
Reading this thread the other day actually enticed me to give it another try... I loaded it up, loaded up my save-game, killed a few NPCs, and shut er down after 5 minutes in utter disgust...
Admiral Rimjob POOBUM
Arcane
Part the Third: Volourn's Razor
The first thing Nick did after leaving the Orrarrarrie was to seek out a replacement for Mr Hands, after tearfully gulping down his old steed's remains. And, of course, no epic level 1 Imperial Freelance Knight's noble steed is complete without....
HORSE ARMAAAAAAAAH!
Epically questing after Volourn's Razor - an ancient artifact mentioned in one of the painful letters, quite probably left to him by one of his seven alleged grandmothers - Nick took his new steed, Mr Ed, across and beyond the laws of physics, beaming with pride as the poor creature lifted a huge bulk of armour and a huge bulk of Imperial Freelance knight across a deep river without complaint.
Giving Mr Ed a quick respite, Nick dismounted and munched thoughtfully on several pounds of mashed potatoes. This was his world, his hunting grounds, and as an Imperial Freelance Knight he feared nothing it could throw at him....
Apart from.... Them. Screaming, he vaulted onto the surprised Mr Ed, smacking its flanks over-vigorously, charging at optimum speed away from the horrible creatures. He avoided them whenever he could, and today was no exception - he led them through a bandit camp, too terrified to look back to see how they fared. He had no need to worry - this was not Gothic 3, after all - but worried nonetheless, breaking new records of absurdity by forcing Mr Ed to jump up the side of an almost completely sheer mountain.
However, Nick was then faced by another environmental challenge-that-was-not; how to descend from the mountain.
Shrugging his noble shoulders, he made up his mind. The laws of physics were for lesser people, so he gave Mr Ed's flanks another hearty spank and made the poor creature bounce right off the mountain, perfectly certain that it would survive.
It didn't.
Nick continued onwards, forgetting the short-lived steed, and made his way to the fortress of Sundercliff Watch. He entered.
Cheers.
Nick ventured a short way into the cave, slaying a few generic evildoers. This was to become something of a repeated situation over the next two hours.
Aha! A riddle! And a nonsensical one, at least to Nick's headstrong Imperial Freelance Mind. Where could the answer lie, he wondered?
As it turned out, the answer lay in a sheet of paper on a stool right beside the door. Even Nick was puzzled by... well... the stupidity of the entire thing.
Shrugging, he continued onwards. Eventually, he found the journal of the particular nefarious villain he was after this time around, which explained that two bezoars had been used to seal Varsa Baalim, the Ayleidic city where the evil wizard did evil wizardly things.
To break the LARPy narration momentarily, I really don't feel the next few screenshots require narration.
Well! Nick eventually worked out what he was meant to be doing, and fought his way through a few generic evil vampires to get to the Niffyapplerum sanctum where the ebil wizzerd waited. Entering, he discovered the horrible villain performing obscene sexual acts on a huge statue of the ancient warrior whose shaving appliance he did seek. Turning, the immensely powerful Archmage let out a tinny laugh.
Nick then did in his underclothing what his mother, seven years before, had very patiently and with little success attempted to teach him not to do. Who could blame him, though? This was a hideously mighty sorcerer of the Great House Telvanni, one who sought the power of one of several generic ancient evils and had raised a mighty army to conquer Cyrodiil. Who knew what terrible magicks he might unleash?
None, as it turned out. He drew a claymore and charged forward. Nick poked him with his sword, gently, and the Dunmer sputtered, doubled over and died of old age. Thus ended the crisis.
Nick had a brief look through the ineffectual villain's journal, and discovered no pictures. Luckily, his Magic Journal stepped in to save the day again, telling him to consume the Volourn statue's beating heart to gain the power of Volourn's Razor.
He did so, and turned in horror at the sound of clanking armour and the drawing of a weapon.
"ROOFLES!" roared the living statue, charging across the cavern towards him. Nick screamed, disgraced himself again, and waved his sword in a panic. It briefly caught on Volourn's elaborate stockings, causing him to trip and break his neck.
And so Nick's greatest adventure to date ended. He left the room by the convenient secret passage which had just opened, retrieving Volourn's Razor on the way. Sadly, on his way out of the cavern, he tripped over a mudcrab and dropped it down a manhole, where it was eaten by Todd Howard.
Seeking a cure for the confusingly stupid Cannibal Disease, Nick triumphantly made his way to the Anvil Chapel of Dibella. Entering through a side door, thus bypassing the required journal entry given by the front-door guard, he discovered a terrible sight.
Yes. Miss Jirich's dress did not, in fact, have any opening at the bottom. Her legs began just above the ankle, making her a hideous dress-mutant. While wandering away from the Chapel, pondering the implications of this, Nick bumped into a Mysterius and Wies Prophat, who told him about a Good Dood who fought a Bad Dood and how the Bad Dood was coming back to kill Every Dood.
"Are you a worthy Knight of the Ni?" he asked eventually.
Nick wondered about this. For sure, he was an Imperial Freelance Knight by trade, but the only pantheon he worshipped was the Bethesda Gods, led by Uncle Todd.
"Nay," he replied sadly.
The Prophat sent him out to worship at several wayshrines, and Nick's greatest adventure finally began.
VERDICT
Volourn's Razor - An epic, original, genre-defining addition to The Eldar Bowls VI: Oblibonions. I thought that the final two opponents dying in one blow each was a particularly fitting and unexpected twist. 1434503584/10
The first thing Nick did after leaving the Orrarrarrie was to seek out a replacement for Mr Hands, after tearfully gulping down his old steed's remains. And, of course, no epic level 1 Imperial Freelance Knight's noble steed is complete without....
HORSE ARMAAAAAAAAH!
Epically questing after Volourn's Razor - an ancient artifact mentioned in one of the painful letters, quite probably left to him by one of his seven alleged grandmothers - Nick took his new steed, Mr Ed, across and beyond the laws of physics, beaming with pride as the poor creature lifted a huge bulk of armour and a huge bulk of Imperial Freelance knight across a deep river without complaint.
Giving Mr Ed a quick respite, Nick dismounted and munched thoughtfully on several pounds of mashed potatoes. This was his world, his hunting grounds, and as an Imperial Freelance Knight he feared nothing it could throw at him....
Apart from.... Them. Screaming, he vaulted onto the surprised Mr Ed, smacking its flanks over-vigorously, charging at optimum speed away from the horrible creatures. He avoided them whenever he could, and today was no exception - he led them through a bandit camp, too terrified to look back to see how they fared. He had no need to worry - this was not Gothic 3, after all - but worried nonetheless, breaking new records of absurdity by forcing Mr Ed to jump up the side of an almost completely sheer mountain.
However, Nick was then faced by another environmental challenge-that-was-not; how to descend from the mountain.
Shrugging his noble shoulders, he made up his mind. The laws of physics were for lesser people, so he gave Mr Ed's flanks another hearty spank and made the poor creature bounce right off the mountain, perfectly certain that it would survive.
It didn't.
Nick continued onwards, forgetting the short-lived steed, and made his way to the fortress of Sundercliff Watch. He entered.
Cheers.
Nick ventured a short way into the cave, slaying a few generic evildoers. This was to become something of a repeated situation over the next two hours.
Aha! A riddle! And a nonsensical one, at least to Nick's headstrong Imperial Freelance Mind. Where could the answer lie, he wondered?
As it turned out, the answer lay in a sheet of paper on a stool right beside the door. Even Nick was puzzled by... well... the stupidity of the entire thing.
Shrugging, he continued onwards. Eventually, he found the journal of the particular nefarious villain he was after this time around, which explained that two bezoars had been used to seal Varsa Baalim, the Ayleidic city where the evil wizard did evil wizardly things.
To break the LARPy narration momentarily, I really don't feel the next few screenshots require narration.
Well! Nick eventually worked out what he was meant to be doing, and fought his way through a few generic evil vampires to get to the Niffyapplerum sanctum where the ebil wizzerd waited. Entering, he discovered the horrible villain performing obscene sexual acts on a huge statue of the ancient warrior whose shaving appliance he did seek. Turning, the immensely powerful Archmage let out a tinny laugh.
Nick then did in his underclothing what his mother, seven years before, had very patiently and with little success attempted to teach him not to do. Who could blame him, though? This was a hideously mighty sorcerer of the Great House Telvanni, one who sought the power of one of several generic ancient evils and had raised a mighty army to conquer Cyrodiil. Who knew what terrible magicks he might unleash?
None, as it turned out. He drew a claymore and charged forward. Nick poked him with his sword, gently, and the Dunmer sputtered, doubled over and died of old age. Thus ended the crisis.
Nick had a brief look through the ineffectual villain's journal, and discovered no pictures. Luckily, his Magic Journal stepped in to save the day again, telling him to consume the Volourn statue's beating heart to gain the power of Volourn's Razor.
He did so, and turned in horror at the sound of clanking armour and the drawing of a weapon.
"ROOFLES!" roared the living statue, charging across the cavern towards him. Nick screamed, disgraced himself again, and waved his sword in a panic. It briefly caught on Volourn's elaborate stockings, causing him to trip and break his neck.
And so Nick's greatest adventure to date ended. He left the room by the convenient secret passage which had just opened, retrieving Volourn's Razor on the way. Sadly, on his way out of the cavern, he tripped over a mudcrab and dropped it down a manhole, where it was eaten by Todd Howard.
Seeking a cure for the confusingly stupid Cannibal Disease, Nick triumphantly made his way to the Anvil Chapel of Dibella. Entering through a side door, thus bypassing the required journal entry given by the front-door guard, he discovered a terrible sight.
Yes. Miss Jirich's dress did not, in fact, have any opening at the bottom. Her legs began just above the ankle, making her a hideous dress-mutant. While wandering away from the Chapel, pondering the implications of this, Nick bumped into a Mysterius and Wies Prophat, who told him about a Good Dood who fought a Bad Dood and how the Bad Dood was coming back to kill Every Dood.
"Are you a worthy Knight of the Ni?" he asked eventually.
Nick wondered about this. For sure, he was an Imperial Freelance Knight by trade, but the only pantheon he worshipped was the Bethesda Gods, led by Uncle Todd.
"Nay," he replied sadly.
The Prophat sent him out to worship at several wayshrines, and Nick's greatest adventure finally began.
VERDICT
Volourn's Razor - An epic, original, genre-defining addition to The Eldar Bowls VI: Oblibonions. I thought that the final two opponents dying in one blow each was a particularly fitting and unexpected twist. 1434503584/10
Elwro
Arcane
Fun!
Admiral Rimjob POOBUM
Arcane
I'm just wondering what other really subtle hints they're going to throw at me about how The Prop-hat is actually Tiber Septim. They didn't make it obvious enough for the "I have retrieved the second bezoar" crowd.
Baphomet
Scholar
Admiral jimbob said:
Damn, that was funny. Women want to be with you. Men want to be you.
OccupatedVoid
Arbiter
Superb Jimbob, Superb!! Can't wait for the review of Knights of the Ni. :D
Admiral Rimjob POOBUM
Arcane
Shoelip said:
Not a problem, my pretty.
Incidentally, I finished Knights of the Ni today. You know when they said it was a 20 hour quest....? The "0" was a typo. Anyway, review will be up tomorrow.
OccupatedVoid
Arbiter
Hooray! Just in time for Christmas.Admiral jimbob said:
Shoelip
Arbiter
- Joined
- Sep 27, 2006
- Messages
- 1,814
Admiral jimbob said:
They're probably counting the time it would take you to walk to each location and delays caused by idiots not knowing what to do without step by step popup instructions.
I remember being stuck for a few minutes on th Sheogorath quest until I get my brain started again. Best quest in the game. Best ending too. Better than the MQ.
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