Putting the 'role' back in role-playing games since 2002.
Donate to Codex
Good Old Games
  • Welcome to rpgcodex.net, a site dedicated to discussing computer based role-playing games in a free and open fashion. We're less strict than other forums, but please refer to the rules.

    "This message is awaiting moderator approval": All new users must pass through our moderation queue before they will be able to post normally. Until your account has "passed" your posts will only be visible to yourself (and moderators) until they are approved. Give us a week to get around to approving / deleting / ignoring your mundane opinion on crap before hassling us about it. Once you have passed the moderation period (think of it as a test), you will be able to post normally, just like all the other retards.

Imperial Freelance Knights of the Ni - Oblivion DLC reviewed

Joined
Nov 8, 2006
Messages
7,530
Location
New York
Shoelip said:
So Aj, did you just buy the plugins to do this parody?

I think he obtained them illegally, unless he's batshit insane. I think it affects his review, though. It cannot possibly capture the feeling of HOW FUCKING STUPID AM I SPENDING CLOSE TO $20 ON PURE HORSESHIT, without indeed paying for them.

I don't know much about Knights of the Nine aside from what Bethesda hyped, so I'm interested to see how badly they fell flat on their face. Credit where credit is due, they did seem to get rid of that ridiculous pop-up message ["I received a mysterious letter informing me..."] for the quest. Its funny because now their forums are filled with people asking "I DIDNT GET MESSAGE DOESNT WORK"; seems when you train chimps to think only one way...
 

Shoelip

Arbiter
Joined
Sep 27, 2006
Messages
1,814
It'd be fine if they really were chimps, smartest chimps I've ever seen. :) Hell who ever heard of a chimp who can play a piece of crap like a CRPG instead of hurling it at someone?
 
Joined
Jul 30, 2006
Messages
5,933
Location
Scotland
Part the Second: HORRRRRRSSSSSE ARMMMAAAAAAAHH

Now, as we all know, Nick is an internationally famous Imperial Freelance Knight. His name and deeds scorch the lands like a forest fire, killing small animals and rendering thousands of people dead or homeless.
But an Imperial Freelance Knight, to be a true Knight, needs one thing.

ScreenShot12.jpg


Yes, friends. A horse. But not just any horse....
....For what a true Freelancely Knightly Steed requires....
....I...
....S....

ScreenShot13.jpg


HORSE ARMOUR!

ScreenShot14.jpg


NICK APPROVETH

ScreenShot15.jpg


BANDIT WANTS

MartinOMG.jpg



uriel.jpg



5870_l.jpg



Alas, during Nick's horse-pleasing session which inevitably followed his first horse-armour enhanced adventure, he encountered a group of bandits which the magic green arrow certainly did not lead him to in search of a Dwemar Orrarrarrarry piece. In a magnificently Radiant manner, the bandits cunningly ignored the demented Imperial Freelance Knight charging at them swinging Dad's Fine Steel Longsword and chose instead to slaughter his horse for its beautiful armour.
Nick slew them all, weeping terribly at the waste. They could have bought the same armour for only £1.99 from Xbox Live Marketplace, he thinks.
However, what should happen when he checked the corpse but....

ScreenShot16.jpg


That's mighty handy, Nick! Even handier...

ScreenShot17.jpg


That's REEEEEEAL handy! Woo-hoo! NEXT-GEN!

Adventuring through the four bandit camps, Nick discovered little which could challenge his Dad's Fine Steel Longsword and his own Imperial Freelance Will. Striking down a villainous, Sithis-worshipping spawn of Dagon - a wizard - who had screamed hurtful obscenities about "depth" and "lore", he had a quick, glove-aided rummage through the moddafokka's pockets...
...only to find...

ScreenShot19.jpg


SPPPPEELLLLL TOOOOOOMMMMMMESSSS!

ScreenShot20.jpg


Quickly discovering the final Orrerrerrraaaaay piece, Nick triumphantly returned to The Stewartian City, pieces in hand and sorrow in heart. He had a quiet funeral for his horse, which he had fondly named "Mister Hands", and ate seventeen chunks of venison, nine rare fillet steaks, forty-three oranges and a melon.
Eventually, Sean Bean rolled him through the streets to the University. "I saw a mudcrab yesterday", he suggested.
Entering the Orrerry, the Mage's Guild Stewart fixerating it with magic and awesome, Nick broke out in a horrible rash. Wizards! Magickeries! Enchantings! EVERYWHERE!


ScreenShot21.jpg



Keeping his screams relatively low, he made his way up the stairs and activated the control console. The planets began birling in a manner which made his toenails throb, and the dome lit up with stars. It was impressive. £1.99 impressive? DAMN STRAIGHT. AND YOU'LL HAVE TO PAY £1.99 IF YOU WANT TO SEE IT.

But the adventure did not end there, dear reader.... a new, magical power awaited Nick, drawn from the moon-juice itself!

ScreenShot22.jpg


What could it be?

The tension....
....the tension....

.....THE TENSION....




.........THE TENSION.........



ScreenShot23.jpg




HOLY SHIT!

--------

Final Scores:
Spell Tomes - 10/10
Orerrerrerrreerrrerrreerreeeeeeroopy - 10/10
HORSE ARMOUR - 23323211656439/10


EDIT: BUY the plugins? Are you fucking kidding me?
 
Joined
Nov 8, 2006
Messages
7,530
Location
New York
This was fucking great.

"Masser's Grace"? Is that something a black slave would have called it when her owner fondled her?
 

Shoelip

Arbiter
Joined
Sep 27, 2006
Messages
1,814
Aj, why do you have to be so damn funny?! I feel like my chest/head is about to explode and/or I'm going to pass out! I'm suing!!
 

Micmu

Magister
Joined
Aug 20, 2005
Messages
6,163
Location
ALIEN BASE-3
The sheer amount of fanboyism and denial in this thread has made me puke.
This site has gone straight to hell.
 

LCJr.

Erudite
Joined
Jan 16, 2003
Messages
2,469
You know Jimbob you hurt poor little Nikky's feelings. And apparently Micmu's too. Although I won't even claim to have clue what the fuck that post was about.
 

Darkflame

Scholar
Joined
Aug 27, 2006
Messages
209
You're pretty funny CG, you should add your review to OB general and see the response you get.
 

KreideBein

Scholar
Joined
Sep 19, 2006
Messages
957
I would, but I'd probably be banned if I tried. It seems like this would be about as well recieved as the propaganda posters. It would be pretty interesting to see their reactions, though, especially since one of the devs is on right now.
 

cutterjohn

Cipher
Joined
Sep 28, 2006
Messages
1,629
Location
Bloom County
I hate to say it, but this is the most fun that I've had with Oblivious yet...

BTW shouldn't that horse be named Mr. Ed? (So they can come out wit hteh talkung horsey DLC for $4.99...)
 

Shoelip

Arbiter
Joined
Sep 27, 2006
Messages
1,814
I could rename a horse Mr. Ed, give it a dialogue tree and then take a screenshot of him complaining to me about how cheap I am for not buying the horse armor mod. :lol:

Well that is assuming that I can give horses dialogue.
 
Joined
Jul 30, 2006
Messages
5,933
Location
Scotland
cutterjohn said:
I hate to say it, but this is the most fun that I've had with Oblivious yet...

BTW shouldn't that horse be named Mr. Ed? (So they can come out wit hteh talkung horsey DLC for $4.99...)

You do know what Mr Hands is?
 

Frau Bishop

Erudite
Joined
Aug 16, 2005
Messages
2,147
Location
Mitten im Vaterland
"Kenneth Pinyan, a Seattle, Washington resident who died in 2005, and who engaged in sexual activities with full-size stallions, some of which he videotaped and distributed informally under the name Mr Hands"

or is it

"Mr. Hands (jazz album), a jazz album by Herbie Hancock"

american pop culture is really cockamamie. :?


edit: i miss horsehelper! :cry:
 
Joined
Nov 7, 2006
Messages
1,246
Admiral jimbob said:
Part the Second: HORRRRRRSSSSSE ARMMMAAAAAAAHH...

That made me laugh to death, Jimbob. Can't wait for part three...
 

As an Amazon Associate, rpgcodex.net earns from qualifying purchases.
Back
Top Bottom