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Hitman: Absolution

Cadmus

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I've played four Hitman games which are all more or less identical in terms of play (1, 2, Contracts, Blood Money).

I'm happy Absolution introduced some changes to the formula. Game feels more fluid, I like the new moves and interactions, the area by area progression is ok (not sure if there are true sandbox levels later on), the instinct feature is great (and can be disabled if you wish), i like how many objectives/achievements there are for each level, and there are all the standard Hitman things as well.

You people love hating games just for the sake of it.
what the fuck
I was wondering whered you get your tag

no, the game is a fucking piece of shit
it doesnt feel fluid, it feels fucking retarded, slow and counter intuitive
the new moves are "awesome button" shit and they are a fucking disgrace
the area by area progression is one of the main factors that contribute to the game having a different feel and dynamics than the previous games, thus being shit
the instinct feature cant be disabled, you need to use the fucking batman-o-meter to cover your fucking face at least, its shit fucking shit
objectives and achievements are totally fucking irrelevant because you dont get cash and you dont get bonus weapons and you cant fucking choose your fucking loadout so fuck the achievements, they are exactly the same as xbox achievements "OPENED THE DOOR, GOOD JOB, LETS SEE YOU USE THAT JUMP BUTTON, CHAMP!"
there arent the standard hitman things as well, fuck you, go die in a car fire you fucking retard
 

adddeed

Arcane
Possibly Retarded
Joined
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Messages
1,473
I've played four Hitman games which are all more or less identical in terms of play (1, 2, Contracts, Blood Money).

I'm happy Absolution introduced some changes to the formula. Game feels more fluid, I like the new moves and interactions, the area by area progression is ok (not sure if there are true sandbox levels later on), the instinct feature is great (and can be disabled if you wish), i like how many objectives/achievements there are for each level, and there are all the standard Hitman things as well.

You people love hating games just for the sake of it.

Without being a game dev, I've always held that making a good sequel to any game is about evolving the gameplay elements that are already there, and not about changing them so they become something enitrely different.
If you want to play something different than the previous four titles, play something that isn't Hitman.
Changing stuff doesn't mean a game is a bad sequel. They evolved the game enough through the four earlier games.
 

adddeed

Arcane
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Joined
May 27, 2012
Messages
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I've played four Hitman games which are all more or less identical in terms of play (1, 2, Contracts, Blood Money).

I'm happy Absolution introduced some changes to the formula. Game feels more fluid, I like the new moves and interactions, the area by area progression is ok (not sure if there are true sandbox levels later on), the instinct feature is great (and can be disabled if you wish), i like how many objectives/achievements there are for each level, and there are all the standard Hitman things as well.

You people love hating games just for the sake of it.
what the fuck
I was wondering whered you get your tag

no, the game is a fucking piece of shit
it doesnt feel fluid, it feels fucking retarded, slow and counter intuitive
the new moves are "awesome button" shit and they are a fucking disgrace
the area by area progression is one of the main factors that contribute to the game having a different feel and dynamics than the previous games, thus being shit
the instinct feature cant be disabled, you need to use the fucking batman-o-meter to cover your fucking face at least, its shit fucking shit
objectives and achievements are totally fucking irrelevant because you dont get cash and you dont get bonus weapons and you cant fucking choose your fucking loadout so fuck the achievements, they are exactly the same as xbox achievements "OPENED THE DOOR, GOOD JOB, LETS SEE YOU USE THAT JUMP BUTTON, CHAMP!"
there arent the standard hitman things as well, fuck you, go die in a car fire you fucking retard
Game is great rage boy. And that is a fact.

If you don't like certain features then great, go play something else.
 

Nuclear Explosion

Guest
I've played four Hitman games which are all more or less identical in terms of play (1, 2, Contracts, Blood Money).
Hitman 2 plays very differently to Blood Money and even Contracts. The changes to the disguise system made a huge difference. Also Absolution is pretty widely hated by Hitman fans.
 
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Outlander

Custom Tags Are For Fags.
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Divinity: Original Sin Wasteland 2 Steve gets a Kidney but I don't even get a tag.
I've played four Hitman games which are all more or less identical in terms of play (1, 2, Contracts, Blood Money).
Hitman 2 plays very differently to Blood Money and even Contracts.The changes to the disguise system made a huge difference. Also Absolution is pretty widely hated by Hitman fans.

Not to mention the changes in Hitman 2 from Agent 47. No saving anywhere during a mission, no first person, etc.
 

adddeed

Arcane
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Messages
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I said more or less. Of course there are changes. But none are major like those in Absolution.

I've played all four predecessors and liked them, but I also like #5. The horror.

The game is well made. May not be identical to those before it, but that doesn't change the fact that the game is fun and enjoyable.
 

Cadmus

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Joined
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Messages
4,264
I said more or less. Of course there are changes. But none are major like those in Absolution.

I've played all four predecessors and liked them, but I also like #5. The horror.

The game is well made. May not be identical to those before it, but that doesn't change the fact that the game is fun and enjoyable.
I like the fact how you post complete bullshit so that you may as well be a troll and I don't need to seriously argue and explain why the game is so bad. Good for you that you enjoy it, I hope you didn't buy it at least.
 

Lemming42

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It definitely couldn't be considered a true Hitman game, but I liked Absolution anyway. There's some pseudo-Hitman levels in there among all the action/stealth sequences. Super-duper-see-through-walls-vision and bullet-time mode are complete bullshit but it's not hard to refrain from using them, the game doesn't rely on it. Except for using "intuition" to walk straight past people and somehow not have your disguise blown, which was the stupidest fucking idea ever.

I'll be pissed if the next Shitman games aren't back to the 1/2/Contracts/Blood Money style, though. Most of the fun came from trying to plan and carry out your own ridiculously unlikely scheme and manipulating the AI, and Absolution had almost none of that.
 

Zewp

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Codex 2013
possibly_retarded.png

15217.jpg
 

adddeed

Arcane
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Messages
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Finished it. An excellent game, glad I don't listen to the posters here. Will replay in the future. Even brute force and doing shootouts is great fun. I liked the melee, the takedowns, the multiple paths in each level, some are big, some are small, love the variety. And the visuals are outstanding.
 

Metro

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Messages
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It's not as bad as a lot of people here make it out to be but it's hardly 'excellent.' Glaring faults are the smaller/broken up levels, some wonky AI, and the awkward instinct system.
 

Zewp

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Messages
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Codex 2013
I found it to be a complete trainwreck. There was nothing redeeming about it.
 

adddeed

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How is it a trainwreck exactly? Because it's not identical to its predecessors?

Was Age of Wonders 2 a trainwreck? Were Divinity 2 and Original Sin?

If Absolution was called Absolution and not Hitman, would it still be a trainwreck?

Because i just spend 13 hours on it, and I fail to see how can this game a be called a trainwreck.

The Hitman formula evolved with three sequels to the original, changing up things a bit was welcome, and Absolution did it and successfully I might add.
 

Cadmus

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Messages
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The Hitman formula went to shit with this game, it practically disappeared. Here's my review I made some time ago. I don't wanna be typing this shit again:
In short, it sucks cocks.

In long:

Everything about this game is wrong. Fuck, I’m so pissed off after playing this.

The story is fucking retarded, not that it should matter for a Hitman game but still, it’s completely idiotic. Some stupid Texas stereotype guy kidnapped a stupid wondergirl, who is a mutant like Agent 47 or something, I don’t know, and holds her ransom, demanding 10 million dollars from the Agency. It’s stupid because it’s stupid and also it’s stupid because throughout the game I had killed like 500 of his bodyguards, destroyed 2 towns, and his huge factory, it certainly didn’t seem like he would care for some laughable 10 million dollars. Another really annoying part of the story is how Hitman gets incapacitated several times, captured, left for dead, and generally fucked around with without the player being able to do anything about it. I wanted to shit into my screen in hopes of hitting the game developers somehow when after finishing a mission, Hitman walks into some door like total degenerate and lets himself get captured. Repeatedly. Which brings me to the cutscenes: there are fucking cutscenes for kills instead of you carrying them out or cutscenes which show how the victim actually escapes even if you did everything right and it’s frustrating, stupid, it’s done in the most retarded way possible, serves only to drag the totally pointless story and destroys the feeling of being on a hunt, being the boss of what’s going on, that this game absolutely must have.

Another stupid shit is that Hitman is now emotional crybaby, after killing Diana he suddenly, for no reason, wants to protect the girl that Diana was protecting, leading him to fight the agency and the Texas guy who are also kinda fighting each other. (How cool it was when he still was a ruthless killer, snapping the neck of his little bird to avoid being found out.) The only benefit of this is that there’s tons of really nice pre-rendered cut scenes (they are still done in the game engine with some post processing, but look pretty, and the voice acting is good.) However, the videos are complete shit anyway, because they are fucking stupid.

The level design is an utter horseshit, the game is totally linear, the areas are small and narrow corridors barring a few exceptions, they are uninspired, boring-looking generic China-town/sewers/warehouses/sometimes an open desert base, you don’t get to select your weapons before the mission starts, there are retarded shitfucking glowing checkpoints instead of normal limited saves. Aside from looking like cum stain, they are also stupid because you can’t save with enemies on alert and when you reload, enemies are in different places so you can’t prepare after a guard had finished his route, save and try to kill him. It’s shit, I hate it. Fucking imbeciles.

The whole game plays like Splinter Cell without the cool gadgets. Or more like a really shitty Splinter Cell with identity crisis. There’s a new cover mechanic, because every retarded cocksucking console game needs a cover mechanic because people like to stick to tables and shoot over them, ignoring how shitty it looks when half of the character is always visible, how it impaires the ability to precisely time shooting and aiming and how buggy and unreliable it ALWAYS is. Fuck the consoles.

Hitman Absolution is a homo shitty console port. It uses context sensitive controls instead of the good old pop up menus, which were awesome and practical due to the game’s habit of putting lots of usable items into one spot. Now you see three hundred fucking big ass boxes PRESS ENTER TO CLIMB THROUGH THE WINDOW PRESS DELETE TO DRAG PRESS END TO SWITCH AGENCY RIFLE FOR STEEL DILDO, which clutters the screen, looks like shit, gets confusing and hard to navigate through quickly and uses tons of different buttons for different actions. It’s totally unnecessary, oh no, wait, it is needed for the consoles. How about you fuckfaces fix the game before releasing it for PC.

Another sign of consolefuckization is the use of quick time events for everything, from scratching Hitman’s irritated asshole to EVERY FUCKING MELEE ENCOUNTER. It’s shit, fuck you, die in a car fire, homogay cunts, there is a difference between pressing O and X on 20 cm wide controller for the retarded PS3 and quickly finding buttons on a motherfucking keyboard. Besides, it feels totally shitty to have the character perform the moves based on stupid pop up messages instead of having A) a real melee combat system or B) who gives a fuck about the melee, I think since Hitman 2 or at least 3, the melee was solved by just having Hitman smash the guy with his gun when you got too close, or just some not so fancy move. It’s simple and works like it’s supposed to – you get fucked and need to quickly dispose of the enemy who made you. Now I have to watch a small cutscene for every cocksucker I want to fight. It’s bugged, too, sometimes Hitman starts meleeing when I was going to strangle the guy with a piano wire. It’s annoying, unreliable and totally unnecessary.

Oh, I forgot it’s also used on the bosses.

Another new feature, which probably comes from someone’s freshly used rectum, is the INSTINCT. It’s like when you hold your cock and attempt to fellate yourself but instead just stick the cock into your eyesocket and cum into your skull. It’s a stupid Batman rip-off, you can press a button and shit around you starts glowing, time slows down and objectives show. Together with the missing map, this means that instead of carefully planning everything you’re gonna do at the start of the game, you just run around like a moron and let things around you glow to see what you can pick up or where’s your target. It’s absolutely disgusting, probably an appeal to 10 year old transexual boys. You are a stoic assassin no more, you are the bald Batman with superpowers. Also, instinct enables you to rip-off Splinter Cell : Conviction and line up targets for a cut-scene kill. Fuck fuck fuck. Some retards on the internet will say WELL YOU CAN TURN IT OFF, yeah, you can also suck my cock. You can delete the game, faggot. It’s a retarded feature absolutely out of place for what ideally should be a pretty subtle assassin sandbox simulation.

Subtlety! I suspect Square Enix think it’s like a vaginal cancer and they try to avoid it at all costs. Hitman is being called “Hitman” or “Agent 47″ throughout the game by ALL THE FUCKING CHARACTERS. I even went to some retarded shop for a new suit (because every single piece of what makes Agent 47 interesting must be jerked off on and explicitly mentioned for the coolness factor) and the blind guy says OH HI AGENT 47! It’s so annoying how they are trying to supercharge the mythical epicness of Agent 47, with picking up the silver ballers being the objective in like 3 missions, the agency insignia everywhere and every last person on Earth talking about this HITMAN WHO PROBABLY DOESN’T EXIST!! yet everyone knows about him. It was so cool how Hitman had aliases like Tobias Rieper. Now he is a celebrity who rides across the country, leaving behind him burning towns.

The guns and fighting: it’s shit, obviously, but why? First thing that pisses me off is the shit animation for 1-handed gun, it looks like as if he had his arm in a casket. Sounds like a minor complaint, but I had to be staring at this shit a lot because it’s my favourite method of safely killing unsuspecting targets. Another shittiness comes from the inability to equip yourself before the mission starts, so you have to use shitty guns or conveniently placed sniper rifles that you find in the mission. How resourceful you feel when you come near a hole in the wall, press a button for mission tips that tells you ENEMIES ARE VULNERABLE TO SNIPER FIRE, so you pick up the prepared sniper rifle and shoot everyone in the face.

The sound effects are weak and make the guns feel like a BBgun. Some weapons have scopes or just collimator but you can never use those except for the sniper rifles. Weapons can’t be upgraded, you inexplicably lose them between the missions even though the cutscenes suggest you go from one place straight to another. It’s annoying and it again makes you feel powerless.There are some unlocks for achieving the fucking shitty useless ACHIEVEMENTS which are meant for xbox or PS3 retards, I don’t know, who the fuck cares about this? They do nothing at all, you just see a picture at the end of the mission if you had picked up that particular weapon or disguise. You also unlock some shitty boosts like 0,0003% increased running speed, which are useless and do nothing. The enemies are actually pretty fun, they can lose the sight of you and don’t magically know where you are so you can hide and quickly sneak up on them from another side. What sucks cocks though is that all weapons that are not guns are just used as melee weapons or you can throw them and magically hit the enemies in the head, which results in a silent kill. So no more tranquilizer injection, now they are for throwing! Fuck. Enemies sometimes get reinforcements, that kinda makes sense.

Another major fuck-up is the disguise system tied into the INSTINCT system. I’d rather wear diapers full of shit and piss than disguise myself in the Hitman universe. It’s probably the worst thing in the game, it makes you actually sneak around instead of hiding in plain sight like you should be doing. Enemies quickly recognize anyone who wears the same uniform as them, which can be prevented by hitting the COOL button so Hitman makes a dumbass of himself and slightly covers his face. I don’t know how many more times I will have to use the word shit, but it’s fucking shit. It’s a bother to walk through the levels to plan shit but there’s no map so you have to but you also have to be sneaking even though you have a disguise, because the mechanic works like cock and sometimes bugs out or what the fuck and you are made. It turns around the awesome feeling of superiority from the previous games into a paranoia about when this shit is gonna get me fucked and I’ll have to reload from the shitty checkpoint.

The characters are vapid uninteresting shits.
The music sucks, it wasn’t written by Jesper Kyd and as a result, it is boring, often subdued and always generic,
I have heard how this game has an awesome replay value, but that’s nonsense. Why would you try to replay the same narrow corridor if you don’t get anything at all for achieving some arbitrary score, you don’t get to test new weapons because you can’t unlock any or prepare them before the mission?

Some dialogues were funny, the general graphics were pretty nice but overall the game is so silly, consoletardish piece of shit that often I would just fuck it and shoot everyone since the game doesn’t reward you for trying to play it. Not with unlocks or satisfying kills and certainly not with the progress of its fucking horrible story. I wouldn’t care about it if it didn’t insist on fucking up the gameplay. Yeah, and then there’s some contracts mode that apparently doesn’t work when you don’t have the original game so that’s another minus, it’s some totally idiotic wannabe-multiplayer without actually allowing you to play with other people, why the fuck would you create your own objectives for other people you will never ever hear from to play through?

My verdict: instead of stealing the game from torrents, use the time to buy a 2l bottle, fill it up with horse semen, urine and feces and pour it into your ears. Your brain will thank you.
 

adddeed

Arcane
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Joined
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Messages
1,473
The Hitman formula went to shit with this game, it practically disappeared. Here's my review I made some time ago. I don't wanna be typing this shit again:
In short, it sucks cocks.

In long:

Everything about this game is wrong. Fuck, I’m so pissed off after playing this.

The story is fucking retarded, not that it should matter for a Hitman game but still, it’s completely idiotic. Some stupid Texas stereotype guy kidnapped a stupid wondergirl, who is a mutant like Agent 47 or something, I don’t know, and holds her ransom, demanding 10 million dollars from the Agency. It’s stupid because it’s stupid and also it’s stupid because throughout the game I had killed like 500 of his bodyguards, destroyed 2 towns, and his huge factory, it certainly didn’t seem like he would care for some laughable 10 million dollars. Another really annoying part of the story is how Hitman gets incapacitated several times, captured, left for dead, and generally fucked around with without the player being able to do anything about it. I wanted to shit into my screen in hopes of hitting the game developers somehow when after finishing a mission, Hitman walks into some door like total degenerate and lets himself get captured. Repeatedly. Which brings me to the cutscenes: there are fucking cutscenes for kills instead of you carrying them out or cutscenes which show how the victim actually escapes even if you did everything right and it’s frustrating, stupid, it’s done in the most retarded way possible, serves only to drag the totally pointless story and destroys the feeling of being on a hunt, being the boss of what’s going on, that this game absolutely must have.

Disagree with everything here. It's a game, why are you so annoyed that it's exagerrated and what not? So what if Hitman gets capture? It can happen. And the cutscenes were very well done and great to watch.

Another stupid shit is that Hitman is now emotional crybaby, after killing Diana he suddenly, for no reason, wants to protect the girl that Diana was protecting, leading him to fight the agency and the Texas guy who are also kinda fighting each other. (How cool it was when he still was a ruthless killer, snapping the neck of his little bird to avoid being found out.)

He's not a crybaby and was never portrayed as such in the game. He still looked and acted tough and unemotional.

The level design is an utter horseshit, the game is totally linear, the areas are small and narrow corridors barring a few exceptions, they are uninspired, boring-looking generic China-town/sewers/warehouses/sometimes an open desert base, you don’t get to select your weapons before the mission starts, there are retarded shitfucking glowing checkpoints instead of normal limited saves. Aside from looking like cum stain, they are also stupid because you can’t save with enemies on alert and when you reload, enemies are in different places so you can’t prepare after a guard had finished his route, save and try to kill him. It’s shit, I hate it. Fucking imbeciles.
I give you that the previous Hitman's had one big sandbox level to walk around on. Here it's more or less the same, but its segmented into areas you progress through. I see people dont like it, I dont mind it. The areas within the levels are still big and non linear. Plus i like the variety and the sense of progression.

Saving is no issue, the levels are smaller, and areas serve as checkpoint. The glowing checkpoints are optional really.

The whole game plays like Splinter Cell without the cool gadgets. Or more like a really shitty Splinter Cell with identity crisis. There’s a new cover mechanic, because every retarded cocksucking console game needs a cover mechanic because people like to stick to tables and shoot over them, ignoring how shitty it looks when half of the character is always visible, how it impaires the ability to precisely time shooting and aiming and how buggy and unreliable it ALWAYS is. Fuck the consoles.
Nah, the cover system is fine. Plus you can stll crouch and just walk around.

Hitman Absolution is a homo shitty console port. It uses context sensitive controls instead of the good old pop up menus, which were awesome and practical due to the game’s habit of putting lots of usable items into one spot. Now you see three hundred fucking big ass boxes PRESS ENTER TO CLIMB THROUGH THE WINDOW PRESS DELETE TO DRAG PRESS END TO SWITCH AGENCY RIFLE FOR STEEL DILDO, which clutters the screen, looks like shit, gets confusing and hard to navigate through quickly and uses tons of different buttons for different actions. It’s totally unnecessary, oh no, wait, it is needed for the consoles. How about you fuckfaces fix the game before releasing it for PC.
Never had an issue with the prompts. They work as intended.

Another sign of consolefuckization is the use of quick time events for everything, from scratching Hitman’s irritated asshole to EVERY FUCKING MELEE ENCOUNTER. It’s shit, fuck you, die in a car fire, homogay cunts, there is a difference between pressing O and X on 20 cm wide controller for the retarded PS3 and quickly finding buttons on a motherfucking keyboard. Besides, it feels totally shitty to have the character perform the moves based on stupid pop up messages instead of having A) a real melee combat system or B) who gives a fuck about the melee, I think since Hitman 2 or at least 3, the melee was solved by just having Hitman smash the guy with his gun when you got too close, or just some not so fancy move. It’s simple and works like it’s supposed to – you get fucked and need to quickly dispose of the enemy who made you. Now I have to watch a small cutscene for every cocksucker I want to fight. It’s bugged, too, sometimes Hitman starts meleeing when I was going to strangle the guy with a piano wire. It’s annoying, unreliable and totally unnecessary.

I really liked the melee system, nice and simple, and creates tension.

Another new feature, which probably comes from someone’s freshly used rectum, is the INSTINCT. It’s like when you hold your cock and attempt to fellate yourself but instead just stick the cock into your eyesocket and cum into your skull. It’s a stupid Batman rip-off, you can press a button and shit around you starts glowing, time slows down and objectives show. Together with the missing map, this means that instead of carefully planning everything you’re gonna do at the start of the game, you just run around like a moron and let things around you glow to see what you can pick up or where’s your target.

Inscinct IS your map. And its actually better than turning on and off a separate map screen (with separate sub maps within) all the time.

The guns and fighting: it’s shit, obviously, but why? First thing that pisses me off is the shit animation for 1-handed gun, it looks like as if he had his arm in a casket. Sounds like a minor complaint, but I had to be staring at this shit a lot because it’s my favourite method of safely killing unsuspecting targets. Another shittiness comes from the inability to equip yourself before the mission starts, so you have to use shitty guns or conveniently placed sniper rifles that you find in the mission. How resourceful you feel when you come near a hole in the wall, press a button for mission tips that tells you ENEMIES ARE VULNERABLE TO SNIPER FIRE, so you pick up the prepared sniper rifle and shoot everyone in the face.
The gunplay is the best in the series. Now using brute force is fun.

The sound effects are weak and make the guns feel like a BBgun. Some weapons have scopes or just collimator but you can never use those except for the sniper rifles. Weapons can’t be upgraded, you inexplicably lose them between the missions even though the cutscenes suggest you go from one place straight to another. It’s annoying and it again makes you feel powerless.There are some unlocks for achieving the fucking shitty useless ACHIEVEMENTS which are meant for xbox or PS3 retards, I don’t know, who the fuck cares about this? They do nothing at all, you just see a picture at the end of the mission if you had picked up that particular weapon or disguise. You also unlock some shitty boosts like 0,0003% increased running speed, which are useless and do nothing. The enemies are actually pretty fun, they can lose the sight of you and don’t magically know where you are so you can hide and quickly sneak up on them from another side. What sucks cocks though is that all weapons that are not guns are just used as melee weapons or you can throw them and magically hit the enemies in the head, which results in a silent kill. So no more tranquilizer injection, now they are for throwing! Fuck. Enemies sometimes get reinforcements, that kinda makes sense.
Weapons CAN be upgraded.

Another major fuck-up is the disguise system tied into the INSTINCT system. I’d rather wear diapers full of shit and piss than disguise myself in the Hitman universe. It’s probably the worst thing in the game, it makes you actually sneak around instead of hiding in plain sight like you should be doing. Enemies quickly recognize anyone who wears the same uniform as them, which can be prevented by hitting the COOL button so Hitman makes a dumbass of himself and slightly covers his face. I don’t know how many more times I will have to use the word shit, but it’s fucking shit. It’s a bother to walk through the levels to plan shit but there’s no map so you have to but you also have to be sneaking even though you have a disguise, because the mechanic works like cock and sometimes bugs out or what the fuck and you are made. It turns around the awesome feeling of superiority from the previous games into a paranoia about when this shit is gonna get me fucked and I’ll have to reload from the shitty checkpoint.
It takes getting used to , but it makes sense. Using instinct makes you go unnoticed like before, whats the issue?


My verdict: instead of stealing the game from torrents, use the time to buy a 2l bottle, fill it up with horse semen, urine and feces and pour it into your ears. Your brain will thank you.
I bought it, well worth the money.

I also loved the previous Hitman games. Impossible I know.
 

Zewp

Arcane
Joined
Sep 30, 2012
Messages
3,566
Codex 2013
How is it a trainwreck exactly? Because it's not identical to its predecessors?

Because it was turned into a shitty cover-sneaker. As simple as that.

It is to Hitman what Conviction was to Splinter Cell.
 

adddeed

Arcane
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Joined
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Messages
1,473
Ok so it turned into a cover-sneaker. But it isn't shitty. And it's Hitman flavoured. So i enjoyed it, very much in fact. Looking forward to a sequel.
 

Cadmus

Arcane
Joined
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Messages
4,264
Ok so it turned into a cover-sneaker. But it isn't shitty. And it's Hitman flavoured. So i enjoyed it, very much in fact. Looking forward to a sequel.
You basically replied to everything I said by "I liked it, what' s problem"
what the fuck
 
Joined
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Messages
7,308
The Hitman formula went to shit with this game, it practically disappeared. Here's my review I made some time ago. I don't wanna be typing this shit again:
In short, it sucks cocks.

In long:

Everything about this game is wrong. Fuck, I’m so pissed off after playing this.

The story is fucking retarded, not that it should matter for a Hitman game but still, it’s completely idiotic. Some stupid Texas stereotype guy kidnapped a stupid wondergirl, who is a mutant like Agent 47 or something, I don’t know, and holds her ransom, demanding 10 million dollars from the Agency. It’s stupid because it’s stupid and also it’s stupid because throughout the game I had killed like 500 of his bodyguards, destroyed 2 towns, and his huge factory, it certainly didn’t seem like he would care for some laughable 10 million dollars. Another really annoying part of the story is how Hitman gets incapacitated several times, captured, left for dead, and generally fucked around with without the player being able to do anything about it. I wanted to shit into my screen in hopes of hitting the game developers somehow when after finishing a mission, Hitman walks into some door like total degenerate and lets himself get captured. Repeatedly. Which brings me to the cutscenes: there are fucking cutscenes for kills instead of you carrying them out or cutscenes which show how the victim actually escapes even if you did everything right and it’s frustrating, stupid, it’s done in the most retarded way possible, serves only to drag the totally pointless story and destroys the feeling of being on a hunt, being the boss of what’s going on, that this game absolutely must have.

Another stupid shit is that Hitman is now emotional crybaby, after killing Diana he suddenly, for no reason, wants to protect the girl that Diana was protecting, leading him to fight the agency and the Texas guy who are also kinda fighting each other. (How cool it was when he still was a ruthless killer, snapping the neck of his little bird to avoid being found out.) The only benefit of this is that there’s tons of really nice pre-rendered cut scenes (they are still done in the game engine with some post processing, but look pretty, and the voice acting is good.) However, the videos are complete shit anyway, because they are fucking stupid.

The level design is an utter horseshit, the game is totally linear, the areas are small and narrow corridors barring a few exceptions, they are uninspired, boring-looking generic China-town/sewers/warehouses/sometimes an open desert base, you don’t get to select your weapons before the mission starts, there are retarded shitfucking glowing checkpoints instead of normal limited saves. Aside from looking like cum stain, they are also stupid because you can’t save with enemies on alert and when you reload, enemies are in different places so you can’t prepare after a guard had finished his route, save and try to kill him. It’s shit, I hate it. Fucking imbeciles.

The whole game plays like Splinter Cell without the cool gadgets. Or more like a really shitty Splinter Cell with identity crisis. There’s a new cover mechanic, because every retarded cocksucking console game needs a cover mechanic because people like to stick to tables and shoot over them, ignoring how shitty it looks when half of the character is always visible, how it impaires the ability to precisely time shooting and aiming and how buggy and unreliable it ALWAYS is. Fuck the consoles.

Hitman Absolution is a homo shitty console port. It uses context sensitive controls instead of the good old pop up menus, which were awesome and practical due to the game’s habit of putting lots of usable items into one spot. Now you see three hundred fucking big ass boxes PRESS ENTER TO CLIMB THROUGH THE WINDOW PRESS DELETE TO DRAG PRESS END TO SWITCH AGENCY RIFLE FOR STEEL DILDO, which clutters the screen, looks like shit, gets confusing and hard to navigate through quickly and uses tons of different buttons for different actions. It’s totally unnecessary, oh no, wait, it is needed for the consoles. How about you fuckfaces fix the game before releasing it for PC.

Another sign of consolefuckization is the use of quick time events for everything, from scratching Hitman’s irritated asshole to EVERY FUCKING MELEE ENCOUNTER. It’s shit, fuck you, die in a car fire, homogay cunts, there is a difference between pressing O and X on 20 cm wide controller for the retarded PS3 and quickly finding buttons on a motherfucking keyboard. Besides, it feels totally shitty to have the character perform the moves based on stupid pop up messages instead of having A) a real melee combat system or B) who gives a fuck about the melee, I think since Hitman 2 or at least 3, the melee was solved by just having Hitman smash the guy with his gun when you got too close, or just some not so fancy move. It’s simple and works like it’s supposed to – you get fucked and need to quickly dispose of the enemy who made you. Now I have to watch a small cutscene for every cocksucker I want to fight. It’s bugged, too, sometimes Hitman starts meleeing when I was going to strangle the guy with a piano wire. It’s annoying, unreliable and totally unnecessary.

Oh, I forgot it’s also used on the bosses.

Another new feature, which probably comes from someone’s freshly used rectum, is the INSTINCT. It’s like when you hold your cock and attempt to fellate yourself but instead just stick the cock into your eyesocket and cum into your skull. It’s a stupid Batman rip-off, you can press a button and shit around you starts glowing, time slows down and objectives show. Together with the missing map, this means that instead of carefully planning everything you’re gonna do at the start of the game, you just run around like a moron and let things around you glow to see what you can pick up or where’s your target. It’s absolutely disgusting, probably an appeal to 10 year old transexual boys. You are a stoic assassin no more, you are the bald Batman with superpowers. Also, instinct enables you to rip-off Splinter Cell : Conviction and line up targets for a cut-scene kill. Fuck fuck fuck. Some retards on the internet will say WELL YOU CAN TURN IT OFF, yeah, you can also suck my cock. You can delete the game, faggot. It’s a retarded feature absolutely out of place for what ideally should be a pretty subtle assassin sandbox simulation.

Subtlety! I suspect Square Enix think it’s like a vaginal cancer and they try to avoid it at all costs. Hitman is being called “Hitman” or “Agent 47″ throughout the game by ALL THE FUCKING CHARACTERS. I even went to some retarded shop for a new suit (because every single piece of what makes Agent 47 interesting must be jerked off on and explicitly mentioned for the coolness factor) and the blind guy says OH HI AGENT 47! It’s so annoying how they are trying to supercharge the mythical epicness of Agent 47, with picking up the silver ballers being the objective in like 3 missions, the agency insignia everywhere and every last person on Earth talking about this HITMAN WHO PROBABLY DOESN’T EXIST!! yet everyone knows about him. It was so cool how Hitman had aliases like Tobias Rieper. Now he is a celebrity who rides across the country, leaving behind him burning towns.

The guns and fighting: it’s shit, obviously, but why? First thing that pisses me off is the shit animation for 1-handed gun, it looks like as if he had his arm in a casket. Sounds like a minor complaint, but I had to be staring at this shit a lot because it’s my favourite method of safely killing unsuspecting targets. Another shittiness comes from the inability to equip yourself before the mission starts, so you have to use shitty guns or conveniently placed sniper rifles that you find in the mission. How resourceful you feel when you come near a hole in the wall, press a button for mission tips that tells you ENEMIES ARE VULNERABLE TO SNIPER FIRE, so you pick up the prepared sniper rifle and shoot everyone in the face.

The sound effects are weak and make the guns feel like a BBgun. Some weapons have scopes or just collimator but you can never use those except for the sniper rifles. Weapons can’t be upgraded, you inexplicably lose them between the missions even though the cutscenes suggest you go from one place straight to another. It’s annoying and it again makes you feel powerless.There are some unlocks for achieving the fucking shitty useless ACHIEVEMENTS which are meant for xbox or PS3 retards, I don’t know, who the fuck cares about this? They do nothing at all, you just see a picture at the end of the mission if you had picked up that particular weapon or disguise. You also unlock some shitty boosts like 0,0003% increased running speed, which are useless and do nothing. The enemies are actually pretty fun, they can lose the sight of you and don’t magically know where you are so you can hide and quickly sneak up on them from another side. What sucks cocks though is that all weapons that are not guns are just used as melee weapons or you can throw them and magically hit the enemies in the head, which results in a silent kill. So no more tranquilizer injection, now they are for throwing! Fuck. Enemies sometimes get reinforcements, that kinda makes sense.

Another major fuck-up is the disguise system tied into the INSTINCT system. I’d rather wear diapers full of shit and piss than disguise myself in the Hitman universe. It’s probably the worst thing in the game, it makes you actually sneak around instead of hiding in plain sight like you should be doing. Enemies quickly recognize anyone who wears the same uniform as them, which can be prevented by hitting the COOL button so Hitman makes a dumbass of himself and slightly covers his face. I don’t know how many more times I will have to use the word shit, but it’s fucking shit. It’s a bother to walk through the levels to plan shit but there’s no map so you have to but you also have to be sneaking even though you have a disguise, because the mechanic works like cock and sometimes bugs out or what the fuck and you are made. It turns around the awesome feeling of superiority from the previous games into a paranoia about when this shit is gonna get me fucked and I’ll have to reload from the shitty checkpoint.

The characters are vapid uninteresting shits.
The music sucks, it wasn’t written by Jesper Kyd and as a result, it is boring, often subdued and always generic,
I have heard how this game has an awesome replay value, but that’s nonsense. Why would you try to replay the same narrow corridor if you don’t get anything at all for achieving some arbitrary score, you don’t get to test new weapons because you can’t unlock any or prepare them before the mission?

Some dialogues were funny, the general graphics were pretty nice but overall the game is so silly, consoletardish piece of shit that often I would just fuck it and shoot everyone since the game doesn’t reward you for trying to play it. Not with unlocks or satisfying kills and certainly not with the progress of its fucking horrible story. I wouldn’t care about it if it didn’t insist on fucking up the gameplay. Yeah, and then there’s some contracts mode that apparently doesn’t work when you don’t have the original game so that’s another minus, it’s some totally idiotic wannabe-multiplayer without actually allowing you to play with other people, why the fuck would you create your own objectives for other people you will never ever hear from to play through?

My verdict: instead of stealing the game from torrents, use the time to buy a 2l bottle, fill it up with horse semen, urine and feces and pour it into your ears. Your brain will thank you.

It is shit indeed, you definitely shouldn't be typing anything of the sort again. Way too edgy to be readable. I can't really decide what's worse, your so-called "review" or blind praise from addeed.
 

adddeed

Arcane
Possibly Retarded
Joined
May 27, 2012
Messages
1,473
Ok so it turned into a cover-sneaker. But it isn't shitty. And it's Hitman flavoured. So i enjoyed it, very much in fact. Looking forward to a sequel.
You basically replied to everything I said by "I liked it, what' s problem"
what the fuck
Not really, i explained my reasoning.
 

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