Dominions 4 - Pink Natajara

[Grimwulf]

You orders remain as before however you must now also accomplish the following task within 3 months. All the mages/cooks (all commanders with any paths in any path) within your capital must be sent at the nearest level 3 throne and fight with no support from any other troops, to prove their bravery and desire to reach valhalla.

I'm sorry, liege, but if you don't want a riot to happen right now, you'd better take my tributes and let me do things my way. You'll get 24 and 28 cleared during this winter, as we agreed. You can also take my provinces already. But currently I'm busy claiming what's mine by birthright - Calgayan capital.

 

[Dayyālu]

I'm sorry, liege, but if you don't want a riot to happen right now, you'd better take my tributes and let me do things my way. You'll get 24 and 28 cleared during this winter, as we agreed. You can also take my provinces already. But currently I'm busy claiming what's mine by birthright - Calgayan capital.

Whoever loses this match becomes the vassal of the winner for 10 months, starting from month 39. The liege nation can still rule over vassal on month 49, but the vassal will be free again on month 50. Liege can demand literally anything from his vassal, but let us be clear on some restrictions:

- Liege can't demand more than 50gp AND 5 gems per turn from vassal.
- Liege can't demand to send over items from vassal.
- Liege can't order to do nothing (stale). If the vassal has spare gold/gems/warbands after completing leige's orders, he is free to to whatever he likes.
- Liege can't tell Pretender what to do. Metamphetamine and Cheburashka are independent creatures.
- Liege can take over provinces and Thrones from the vassal, but every province with a fortification in it cannot be taken away, and will remain in vassal's possession.
- Vassal cannot trespass the territory of his liege, unless ordered to do so.

Do you agree to these terms? Are you ready to show the lowly desert creatures how the real men fight?

"Uhmm.... I have the impression someone is fuckin' with us... gotta ask the king if that is proper under the so-called rules of honour...."

"But it's pretty clear. Illdorf has employed the Tecaburgians to cripple us, and now that the job is done they are demanding the same from them. It's up to the Tecaburgians to obey their liege or to lose face. A devilish deal, sure."

"Who the heck asked for your opinion? AND WHY YOU ARE HERE?"

 

[KoolNoodles]

At the start of The Lord of the Rings The Game, Sam, typically for a hobbit, had never before ventured far from the immediate area where he lived. Unusually for a hobbit, however, since childhood Sam was fond of legends and other fantastical stories. Sam was particularly interested in the Elves Tecaburgians, and always hoped to one day see one. This he did, in his travels, but he'd never seen Rivendell Tecaburg itself.

Samwise....Samwise! Where are you? What is going on....

My Lord! Samwise The Protector, The Most Powerful, The Strong, The Always Hungry, seems to have surrounded himself with sages and he's just yelling into the wastes......some undecipherable call of old. And miraculously, these great huge bears are just showing up in droves! I can't say I understand My Lord.....

Yes yes I know all that! I'm not blind! We've been summoning things for months....years even! That's all we do anymore! I like seeing things grow as much as the next fish but this is getting ridiculous.

Very well My Lord! I will ask an audience with Master Samwise.

What do you fish fries want? I've done all the heavy lifting here. I killed the mechanical men, helped forge a peace treaty, forged some gear, stomped on those silly lizards, now I'm just taking a break, chilling with my learned men and fuzzy bears......

Samwise! Listen to me. What do you think complacency brings? Happiness? Food? Rosie? NO! It brings the enemy closer to our homes.

I saw an omen last night. A red moon rose in the sky. Evil is plotting, waiting, hoping we remain still. Heck, it's even in the papers! The people of Atlnomia are once again afraid, and need your leadership! If we do nothing, then evil triumphs, and if evil triumphs, the world you've helped create will end.

All this time I was just thinking about potatoes and calling my bear friends known to Beorn the skin-changer for a great feast.....I thought all was safe! Perhaps I have been the fool....

No Samwise! You are not a fool. Far from it. We are prepared. Your people are ready now. Lead them to victory in this accursed land. Create a garden worthy of Hobbiton of old!

Very well fish men. I don't know how I got here, or why what little of my brethren are left have to lead you lot. But if action is what is needed, action we shall have!

FRODO: I can’t do this, Sam.
SAM: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy. How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened. But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding on to something.
FRODO: What are we holding on to, Sam?
SAM: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.

 

[Grimwulf]

"The hobbit learned from his mistakes". "The hobbit will now stay home with left thumb up his ass". Isn't that what you were saying, Jesse?

...

YOU NEVER LISTEN! I told you it's not fun and games, your meth-head! We should have destroyed Altnom entirely, showing NO MERCY!

...

No, YOU made a mistake! Calgaya played you like a damn fiddle! "Oooh, pls spare Altnom! Oooh, pls notice global threat Gaelinia! We monkeys so cuuute, pleeeease Jesse". You fucking idiot.

...

Don't be so naive. Our leige will never interfere to help us out in a conflict. Illdorf didn't even take a bite of Calgaya, even though they are completely unprotected.

...

No, I will not change the priorities. Our word of honor comes firts - we'll clear the Thrones. And we capture Calgayan capital while at it.

...

That's right. Thankfully, Altnom is extremely weak. We don't need the Convoy to fend him off. And once we're done with monkeys...

...

Exactly. There will be no more Altnom.

... BITCH

 

[Dreaad]

 

[Grimwulf]

Dreaad

Progress report. The Convoy is almost ready to be witnessed. We need one last month to do what has to be done.

Spoiler

And right after that, we shall make our move. Calgaya is important for me, since you (in your infinite wisdom) took away my provinces and my clients. I needed a new market, and Calgayan population has a soft spot for my product. They have accepted Tecaburg as their new ruler already.

Spoiler

However, liege. I have to ask. Are you absolutely sure you don't want to use the Convoy for something else, rather than send it to death? I can destroy Altnom. I can annihilate Gaelinia. I can put all lesser nations down in a brutal fashion. But this...

Spoiler

Spoiler

This is simply too much.

 

[Dreaad]

Spoiler

OoC: Busy time I'm afraid, no time to insert a picture of Iron Man on a throne

I am sure everything will be fine. You'll even have 3 capital cities to fall back on. Just remember if you win and take casualties you must also deal with the second throne in the time you have left

 

[Dayyālu]

Spoiler

OoC: Busy time I'm afraid, no time to insert a picture of Iron Man on a throne

THIS MESSAGE IS BROUGHT FOR BY THE CALGAYAN MINISTRY OF INFORMATION

THRE RULER OF ILLDORF ENJOYS HIMSELF WHILE OUR KIN AND FAMILY DIE

 

[Grimwulf]

ooc:

Anybody knows what's the deal with horror marks in this game? I suppose it was caused by Demon's Gate, but I'm not really sure. Am I the only guy here whose each and every unit is horror-marked?

 

[KoolNoodles]

ooc:

Anybody knows what's the deal with horror marks in this game? I suppose it was caused by Demon's Gate, but I'm not really sure. Am I the only guy here whose each and every unit is horror-marked?

Horrors are attracted to great men, you should feel proud. :D

Maybe somebody(doubtful)/some event/some thing planted a Horror Seed in your army.

 

[Grimwulf]

At first I thought it was some effect from hidden magic site or whatever, but ALL my units keep gettin mark'd throughout the game. No matter where they go or what they do.

inb4: your whole life is horror, Grimass. Just deal with it.

 

[KoolNoodles]

At first I thought it was some effect from hidden magic site or whatever, but ALL my units keep gettin mark'd throughout the game. No matter where they go or what they do.

inb4: your whole life is horror, Grimass. Just deal with it.

Well I just checked some of my dudes, and they are also horror marked. There was the Demon Gate event, then the Necromancer. One or both probably started some horror seeds.

 

[Grimwulf]

Dreaad

Operation "New Market" was a success.

Spoiler

The Convoy is now departing. (this won't end wel...)

 

[Grimwulf]

Let's get this over with. If we are about to die, I'm going down with MUSIC!



Like it always happens with Tecaburg, the enemy has numbers.

Spoiler

But we have BALLS.

Spoiler

400 monsters is standing in front of us. There can be no tactical approach to this mess. Meth overdose and going FULL BLOODRAGE is all preparations that we've made.

Spoiler

Of course, some shit went to hell right from the start. For example, the masked guy here is our infamous Immortan Joe.

Spoiler

Why did he charged ahead, despite being ordered to fire largest? Only he knows.

Spoiler

ooc

Note to self: Fire Bola sports low range even when wielded by high-str commanders. That's why he had to get that close. However, I'm still confused why the fuck of all possible targets he decided to burn the rearmost possible ogres.

My spell of choice for this combat was Blade Wind. Me and three other powerful meth-lords spammed this throughout the battle, ignoring even the usual favorite Maws of the Earth.

Spoiler

Blade Wind works just fine on Vine Ogres, who lack protection and slash resistance, while not affecting our heavy-armored Chosen Warriors and ethereal Winter Wolves. It worked out nicely.

Spoiler

The battle ended with a gang-rape. Chosen Warriors of Tecaburg are hungry not only for meth.

Spoiler

Dreaad

Casualty report.

Spoiler

We've lost witnessed Immortan Joe. He left us, but his STUFF remains even after his death. Twelve wolves left us as well - they will await Tecaburgians in Eternal Winter (Methamphetamine Revelations: Batch 14, Dose 3). Two scorpions seem to be more dead than alive. As for the Convoy, of 60 Chosen Warriors one was afflicted (Weakness, -4 str). Everybody else made it through this battle unscratched. The Throne of Splendour is yours.

Spoiler

 

[KoolNoodles]

Easy as pie. Curious as to what the Great Mother cast? Nothing special it would seem. Not as bad as "Fog Warriors" thrones.

 

[Grimwulf]

She casted some self-buffs (Ironskin, Str of Gaia) and also two times (!) Curse of Stones. My guys had enough MR to resist both of her attempts.

 

[Zephyr Arsland]

Epic. Those truly are the inheritors of Valhalla. And now Immortan Joe himself has opened The Way. Congratulations~

 

[Grimwulf]

Might be ooc, but who cares.

Today is a sad day for Tecaburg. In fact, if I would be pretty depressed if I wasn't so drunk right now. CORPUS COLOSSUS

The last survivng member of the Old Team, the famous hero of Tecaburg, was finally challenged by a worthy opponent. He was not ready for this.

Spoiler

I be damned. It's the first time I see a doom horror in pbem since Scabiel killed my Pretender in Decline 2. Fuck!

Spoiler

At this point Corpus Colossus was almost as strong as Rictus Erectus.

Spoiler

I had plans for him. I had some cool new equip ready and waiting for his arrival to the nearest lab. He should have died during a full scale war with Gaelinia or Altnom. But not like this, men.

Spoiler

The battle was lasting for 13 turns. Corpus Colossus lasted longer than Batman vs Scabiel. But the Curse Luck attack is pretty much a death sentence.

Spoiler

On turn 13, it was all over.

Spoiler

WE WITNESSED YOU, Corpus Colossus. Valhalla awaits! You were the last Chosen Warrior hero of Tecaburg.

Spoiler

Now the most reknown world hero is Krazy-8, who is not even a Chosen Warrior, but rather a random naked retard.

Spoiler

Fuck you, doom horrors. FUCK YOU!

Dreaad

Progress report. Pretty much the same shit, but no new afflictions this time. Just more experience and several ded wolves.

Spoiler

 

[Dreaad]

Good work, I salute your dead and living heroes . For turn 48 and 49 you may return to your cap circle, I will also grant you leave to keep behind 30 men of your choice to keep the monkey freedom fighters rebels in line.

 

[Grimwulf]

New turn file: Pink_Natajara, Tecaburg turn 50

FREEEEEDOOOOOM!!!

DO YOU SEE THAT, SNAKE OF GAELINIA?! Do you witness Tecaburg being FREE again? NO! because you're dead! Again!

Fishes, monkeys, midgets, ironballs - you are ALL going down! PREPARE THE CONVOY!

Spoiler

Heisenberg might have suffered PTSD after Jesse's death.

 

[KoolNoodles]

We need Jesse back. At least he understood love. Resurrect his ass!

 

[Dayyālu]

We need Jesse back. At least he understood love. Resurrect his ass!

Can do. Send the body, Death Gems, and he will be as good as new. Wait, WE have the body! Do we have the authorization from the Masters of Meth to prepare his rebirth, in a new, more durable form?



TOOOO THE LAAAAAAAAAAAB

EDIT:

We indeed appreciate that Illdorf thought to double-cross us, but we doubly appreciate that we thought that beforehand. Despite the crazy luck (seriously, sniping a 400 G mage with a shortbow is shit luck and no one will tell me otherwise) we will endure. Time to dish some damage, I guess.

 

[Grimwulf]

Do we have the authorization from the Masters of Meth to prepare his rebirth, in a new, more durable form?

Bring him back, you murderers! I need him to lead the Altnom invasion.

 

[KoolNoodles]

Bring him back, you murderers! I need him to lead the Altnom invasion.

Et tu, Jesse?

 

[Dayyālu]

Meanwhile, in the lands of the the Exiles of Calgaya....

RISE! RISE WITH CHANT AND ORDER, WITH SONG AND DISCIPLINE! I RELEASE YOU FROM THE VOID OF NOTHINGNESS; AGAIN TO BE CHAINED TO THE WHEEL OF THE WORLD! RISE... *checks notes* JESSE OF TECABURG!

.......

This stuff isn't working. And why we are all here?

Yes, why?

Mhhhhh!

I'll explain. To properly resurrect this guy I need a lot of magical power and discipline. The Council of the Magi has suffered.... peculiar losses, lately, and even with the flux of initiates we are getting now I can't find proper replacements. I need support, and you are always here bickering, so I guess your minds could have been of help...

But there is something wrong. We need something greater to make this resurrection work.
A spark of the divine. A sacrifice of something equal. The ancient lore of Blood is almost forgotten and prohibited, but if ONLY I had someone with a direct connection to the Holy Order to sacrifice, we could gain the power to... Wait a minute... YOU! WEIRD HUMAN! DID NOT YOU CLAIM DIVINE BLOOD?

What do you want from the Emperor, Ruler of Monkeys? My time has not yet com.....

CATCH HIM! AND PLACE HIM IN THE CAGE!

KALI-MA! KALI-MA! FASTER! FASTER! FASTER! RISE! RISE NOW, JESSE! BE CHAINED AGAIN IN THIS WORLD! RISE!

...... *Flash of light*

I LIVE .... AGAIN!

Who the heck gave him that stupid hat? Take it away! Welcome back, Jesse, to the world of the living.

Who are you fucks? And why I am surrounded by idiot monkeys? IDIOT. MONKEYS.

THANKS! SHIP THIS GUY BACK TO TECABURG, LIKE, NOW!

(Pardon for the larping. Havin' a bit of fun with mah substandard writing skills.)