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CYOA Circlejerk Round-Robin - Currently Showing: The Adventures of Baron Von Schwarznatter

treave

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Jul 6, 2008
Messages
11,370
Codex 2012
Neither do I, but the wiki says that dwarves hold a grudge for generations and are touchy about their beards, humans are like some sort of Holy Roman Empire, and witches should be like Chaos worshippers except more medieval?
 

treave

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Jul 6, 2008
Messages
11,370
Codex 2012
Well, we've already started fantasy, so it's best kept fantasy even if it isn't Warhammer?
 

Cassidy

Arcane
Joined
Sep 9, 2007
Messages
7,922
Location
Vault City
Well, we've already started fantasy, so it's best kept fantasy even if it isn't Warhammer?

Do it the Shadowrun way: Historical early 1600s with magic suddenly coming to the world, Portuguese and Spanish Conquistadores suddenly being ambushed by natives casting lightning bolts, some Native Americans becoming faggy Elves, Mountain Jews becoming Dwarves and some Congoids and Turks becoming Orcs, Goblins, Trolls and Ogres.

:M
 

TOME

Cuckmaster General
Joined
May 25, 2012
Messages
1,820
Better use the meatshields than get our clothes all sweaty.

3.
 

Darth Roxor

Royal Dongsmith
Staff Member
Joined
May 29, 2008
Messages
1,878,404
Location
Djibouti
BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY



"Forsooth!", I exclaim boldly, as my undergarments become soiled and dark thoughts appear in my head. This savage's oversized axes could split me in two. But there is still hope! After all, a man of high birth such as Baron von Schwartznatter, that is, me, should have a natural affinity for rousing the rabble to his cause!

"Brothers!", I shout, "dwarves, today this enemy is at your door! You know your duty and you will do it!"

The bearded runts just look at me confused, while the norseman starts panting heavily, slowly driving himself into a berserker rage.

"Uhm", I hesitate, "You've come to greet me as free men, and free men you are. What will you do with that freedom? Will you fight?"

One of the dwarves picks his nose. The other scratches his head. It becomes apparent these yokels have limited thinking capabilities. But my deliberations are sharply interrupted, as the wicked foe throws himself at my horse.

"KILL, KILL, SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE."

Losing my steel-hearted grit in this time of horror, I can only yell in terror, "AAAAAAAAGH"

"Waaaagh?", one of the dwarves asks insightfully.

"Waaaagh!", replies the other, taking a hefty sip from his hip flask.

"WAAAAAAAAGH!!", the dwarves rush to my aid, flailing their axes in a rage not unlike that of my assailant. They very much lunge into him right before he manages to decapitate my jolly steed, forcing him into a vicious melee. Soon, the dust cloud produced by the fighting obscures everything, and all I can see is a whirlwind of fury and cursing, kicking and a-gouging in the blood, and the mud and the beer.

After approximately 24 seconds, the dust settles, revealing the dwarves arguing over whatever loot is left of the Khornate madman, not that there's much left of him to speak of.

"Ahem", I try to get their attention with a cough, "Avast, well done, my trustworthy fellows! I knew you wouldn't leave me in times of peril!"

"Oi, so I'll take the bloke's right horn, you take da teeth necklace, we sell the axe and split the geld, how aboot that?"

"Ye's got yerself a deal. Let's geddis baron of somethin'whatev to the thane so we can conclude the transaction."

Dwarves. Their extreme love of gold fills me with contempt. Almost as big as my hate for their pretentious banking dialect. I follow them without uttering another word, I'd rather start a new conversation with my trusty mount, and I'm sure it would be much more sophisticated as well.

Soon, my guides take me right to the gates of Stonehamster, or Turbochomik, as they call it in their mother tongue. It is a majestic work of dwarven craftsmanship and military art, with high stone walls that seem to have seen many a battle - there are numerous signs of various rock lobber hits and explosions all across them, perhaps even from dreaded ratmen warpstone "technology". Armed to the teeth lookouts are posted pretty densely on the battlements. The fortress itself is built into a mountain, and it looks spartan, albeit battleworthy as well. Mortar and cannon crews are stationed on its walls, its towers can probably be garrisoned by whole regiments of crossbowmen, and the fact that it has a huge, rocky mountain strategically placed behind it no doubt makes it a formidable objective to capture. In fact, if not for the banners, some ornaments for the glory of the thane and a few other huts in the fortress's feet, it would look more like a bunker than an actual citadel.


Where should I go now?

a) Straight to the thane, where we can discuss our business. Time is of the essence! Especially since he might feel insulted that I kept him in waiting.

b) To the local tavern, pick up news and rumours, maybe learn a thing or two about the thane that I could use in negotiations.

c) The axe Ulf and Jorn picked up from the berseker seemed... intriguing. Maybe I should visit the smith and buy it off, or try to convince them to give it to me before selling it.

d) Turn around and leave. I've had enough of these damned dwarves! Might as well try my luck elsewhere.

e) To the Baronvonschwartznattermobile! ERROR: Superhero DLC available only from Gamespot required.
 
Joined
Feb 20, 2011
Messages
845
A.

Taking back our lands on the backs of a foreign army is a time honored tradition; let's get to it, come on.
 

Azira

Arcane
Patron
Joined
Nov 3, 2004
Messages
8,519
Location
Copenhagen, Denmark
Codex 2012
You're in a dwarven settlement, and your first thought is not "Let's get drunk"?!?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU CODEX? DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND PROPER DWARVEN ETIQUETTE?!

The time now is for quaffing, not talking!

B
 

TOME

Cuckmaster General
Joined
May 25, 2012
Messages
1,820
You're in a dwarven settlement, and your first thought is not "Let's get drunk"?!?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU CODEX? DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND PROPER DWARVEN ETIQUETTE?!

The time now is for quaffing, not talking!

B
:bro:
 

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