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Captain Neckbeard in "Sid Meiers Pirates!" (Ended)

WetWorks

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Avast!, Ye landlubbers, here be wetworks1 own lets play of Sid Meiers Pirates.

In this LP i shall plunder and rape (and possibly be raped in a Port Royale cell) my way through the carribean in this strategic/arcade game.
I will of course Ironman it.

You probably know this game in one version or another, but for those who do not, let me sum up real quick:
Command ship on carribean map, attack ships, plunder, return to port, trade goods, hire crew, visit governor, get gear, get news,
dance the night away with the governors daughter, reapir/upgrade/sell ships. Rinse and repeat, though there is more options and more depth
as you shall see.

Plunder and rape begins with a story (doesnt rape always begin with a story?), and in this case the story is of a young lad in a happy home,
who has his life shattered by a cruel eyepatched villian with some name or other. The villian cruelly captures and kidnaps the protagonists family.

As the kid grows into man, so does his need for vengeance, and this is where we begin.

Let us meet our hero, the dashing rogue by the name of Neckbeard:

Neckbeard.jpg


As you can see, i have chosen to play on the next highest level of difficulty because i am a great big pussy*

I choose medicine, so as to give Necbeard some staying power, and postpone the effects of age.

(*Actually i did start up on the hardest and got brutally raped in my very first duel, so i chickened out.)

BTW, heres a closeup of our handsome swashbuckler, sure to set loins ablaze:

captneck.jpg


I choose the dutch, for no particular reason other than general hatred of the english. They're all wankers.
In the end is the choices in game that matters most.

During a harsh and cruel journey they make Necbeard swab the decks, for this cruel, cruel act against his person, he immediatly instigates mutiny,
and takes over the ship. A privateer is now born, who shall carve out his name in the carribean.

(quick note: I kinda fucked up on the fraps hotkey, and as a result all map shots are worthless.
Also, being new to this whole LP thing i kinda forgot a few shots along the way.)

We begin our journey in the Dutch port of St. Martin which is in the mideast of the map:

caribean.gif


Necbeard visits the governor and is informed of the dutch war against the english and spanish, and receives a letter of marque, which lets
Neckbeard and his crew engage in piracy for the good of the dutch cause.

Then, with dry throat he visits the local tavern accompanied by his trusty navigator:

tavern1.jpg


necksmall.gif
Lets get something to drink, Liberal.

liberal.gif
Are they christian here?
necksmall.gif
Yeah, more or less all europeans were christian at that ti.. i mean we are all christians in this day and age.

liberal.gif
European? Like Georgia?
necksmall.gif
: Where the hell is Georgia?

liberal.gif
East of the black sea, lies my beloved Georgia.
necksmall.gif
Wait isnt that the Ottoman empire?

liberal.gif
No, Georgia is north of that.

necksmall.gif
North of the Ottoman empire? Isnt that Russia?

liberal.gif
NO IT IS NOT! Georgia is an independant nation, with its own distincti...

necksmall.gif
Shut the fuck up Liberal! Im trying to score the barwench.

wench1.jpg


After much fun in the tavern, the revenge (as the ship is aptly named) leaves port and enter the hot and treacherous waters of the carribean.

liberal.gif
So where to, oh great Captain Neckbeard.

necksmall.gif
Southward my trusty fool! We are going to pillage and slaughter some english!

liberal.gif
Why the english?

necksmall.gif
Because they are all wankers.

Soon a merchantman flying the english flag is spotted on the horizon, and the revenge moves to intercept.

Merchantman1.jpg


A brief naval battle ensues, in which the revenge takes little damage, soon the Revenge boards the merchantman, the crew with murder in their eyes.

During the fighting Neckbeard crosses paths with the captain of the merchantman:

rooney.gif
Oi blighter! Ill rip yi ams uf an' shuv im ap yir arrrrse!

necksmall.gif
yeah, yeah, tell it to the sharks.

swash2.jpg


Having deposed of the english ape, Neckbeard plunders the ship for a pretty penny and some sugar (screenshot missing).

liberal.gif
Yeah! We are rich, Boss! RIIICH! Just as rich as the the dazzling georgian landscape.

necksmall.gif
Wait! Were the fuck were you during the battle? I didnt see you anywhere?

liberal.gif
I was praying for God to grant us victory, and he answered. Without me, oh and god, we would have surely lost.

necksmall.gif
You little weasel. Pray on your own time, you damned goatherder. On this ship we all fight, got that?

liberal.gif
Boss, i must protest! Our lord and saviour mu...

necksmall.gif
Shut the fuck up liberal! Im watching our crew sodomize the prisoners.

Having sold our plunder, we find ourself further south, near the french port of Montserrat. Another english merchantman is spotted and engaged.

merchant2.jpg


We duel another filthy english ape.

elton.gif
Oh dearie, dont hurt us old chap. We will do anything you say, and i mean ANYTHING!

necksmall.gif
Resisting capture eh? Then ye shall pay the ultimate price.

elton.gif
Aaaargh! Im fading... like a candle in the..
necksmall.gif
*STAB*

The spoils are somewhat meagre.

lucre1.jpg


Later at sea:

necksmall.gif
LIBERAL! Were the fuck were you during this battle?

liberal.gif
I can explain Boss! I was knocked out by that last barrage of cannons.

necksmall.gif
Hmmm. I guess thats reasonable, better shape up though.

liberal.gif
Will do Boss! Speaking of shape did you know that Sharon Stone recently visited Georgia? She was seen parading the mighty streets
of our splendid capital and she seemed to be thoroughly enjoy...

necksmall.gif
Shut the fuck up Liberal! Im trying to watch the crew sodomize that english captains corpse.

necksmall.gif
Is it me or is that corpse smiling?

After our battle we suddenly find ourselves being chased by a french pirate hunter. Apparently the French and the british have a treaty,
but after a long chase they give up (screenshot missing).

We visit the local spanish port which is located along the south american coast, with the intent of selling goods and the captured ship, but
sadly they dont like us.

heretic.jpg


liberal.gif
NOOOOOO!!! We are not heretics, we are good christians! I polish my cross every day!

necksmall.gif
Yeah, me and the crew have heard all that "polishing" you do at night.

In the spanish port we hear rumours about an indian ship carrying loads of gold. We try to intercept, but it is too fast.

indian.jpg


Somewhat demoralized the crew then suddenly notices their biggest prize yet: An unescorted spanish Treasure ship. The crews blood boils with
anticipation and the cannons are readied. It is a daunting task though, the Spaniards have triple the amount of crew and almost
double amount of cannons, but Neckbeard is certain he shall be victorious.

The plan is to get in close enough to fire some anti personnel grapeshots at the treasure ship, so as to diminish resistance.

treasure1.jpg


The plan starts off slowly with a few rounds hitting from both sides. The navigation is somewhat hindered by a strong westward wind, and
we suddenly find us on the receiving end of a volley of chained shots, doing severe damage to the sails, reducing our speed.

treasure2.jpg


Along the way we get a good number of grape shots fired, killing many spaniards, but as we are hit with another round of chain shots, the ship is
severely damaged.
The mast is gone and we are almost dead in the water. The brutal and unjust spaniards continue firing
round shots on us, damaging us further and the loss of the revenge seems almost inevitable.

treasure3.jpg


necksmall.gif
Nooooooo! My Ship. My beautiful ship!!!

liberal.gif
You son of a bitch! You brought us to this! I'm taking over this ship! Seize him men!

Is this the end of the intrepid Captain Necbeard and his untrustworthy dog?
Will the revenge be blown to smithereens by the swarthy spaniards?
Will Liberal be Captain Liberal now?

Stay tuned for part 2!
 

WetWorks

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yeah, its pretty good and addictive. Some of the minigames tend to become annoying after a while, though.

I would imagine this is quite cheap now, and it is definetly worth it, just dont expect great complexity.

There is quite a few things to do in pirates that i havent gotten to yet:
Turn based land battles, dancing minigames and digging up buried treasure.
 

Darth Roxor

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It's time to hunt down the 20 incarnations of Baron Raymondo and Colonel Mendoza!

oldmanpaco said:
The dancing was awesome. Best part of the game.

:thumbsup:

rooney.gif
Oi blighter! Ill rip yi ams uf an' shuv im ap yir arrrrse!

:lol:

(*Actually i did start up on the hardest and got brutally raped in my very first duel, so i chickened out.)

Yeah, on the hardest difficulty the AI simply cheats, and all enemies have fucking lightning reflexes.
 

Malakal

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Mmm looks good actually. And I liked your style. Try expanding the crew though, with more Codexian cameos.
 

anver

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Messages
31
That is the most magnificently traumatising neckbeard there ever was.









Also good LP :smug:
 

grotsnik

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Messages
1,671
rooney.gif
Ai, witwuurks, ya fokker, whai yew given me a fokking Gai Ricchei Dick van fokking Dyke Cocknai aksent when ai'm frem Liverpuul? Yew sem fokking furrener poofteh net able teh distenguesh bitween regional aksents er summat?

Fixed for accuracy, probably. Also, :lol:
 

RK47

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Dead State Divinity: Original Sin
Fuck. I mastered the dancing ...all the fucking way. Watch the hands...her gestures to court my perfect wife. Then defended her port for years from spain.....good times.
 

WetWorks

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Part 2: "The Revenge" takes revenge

(still a few screenshot problems, since this is from that same session).

Last time the cowardly Liberal had attempted to usurp command of "the revenge" in the middle of of what could be the ships last battle.
As the crew are about to seize the great captain Neckbeard, the spanish treasure galleon fires another volley of round shots causing more damage.
Incredibly the ship is still intact, but the crew is shaken and Neckbeard sees this as an opportunity to flee. With maddening slow speed the ship
set course away from the enemy, which incredibly does not pursue, but keeps firing and landing a few shots, but the hull doesnt break.

treasure4.jpg


Against all odds Captain Neckbeard manages to get the ship far enough away from the spanish treasureship, which itself has taken a great deal
of damage to crew and sails.

As everyone breathes a sigh of relief, the villian Liberal slams his fist on the rails.

liberal.gif
Seize him men! I am your Captain now!

necksmall.gif
I got you out of this people, and we live to fi...

liberal.gif
I am Captain Liberal and henceforth we shall fly the georgian banner, and our ship shall be named The Pearl of the Caucasus!

CodexMob.gif
You can't be serious. Georgia is a damn shitho...

liberal.gif
Lets us begin my new reign as your beloved Captain with us singing the Georgian National Anthem. Come on everybody:

My icon is my motherland,
And the whole world is its icon-stand.
Bright mounts and valleys
Are shared with God
Today our freedom
Sings to the glory of future,
The dawn star rises up
And shines out between two seas.
Praise be to liberty,
Praise be to liberty!


CodexMob.gif
...

necksmall.gif
Allright, you had your two minutes. Now seize him men!

CodexMob.gif
Aye Captain Neckbeard!

liberal.gif
No! I am your God! Bow before me! Bow before meeeeeee!

necksmall.gif
From now on you are demoted to deckswab/pegboy Liberal. Now, get him out of my sight, and set course for Curacau.
We need repairs and the shitbucket is missing!

CodexMob.gif
: Come 'ere me pritty. We'v sum fa tat niids swubbin'. Har har har!

The shambles that is the Revenge reaches the dutch port of Curacao, where we are greeted with open arms. Despite the recent defeat and
cowardly retreat, the local governor promotes Neckbeard due to his raid on the hated english.

dutchpromo1.jpg


Captain Neckbeard is now a bonafide Captain.

The repairs turn out to be incredibly expensive and drains the pirate coffers to the crews dismay. But with the Revenge in shipshape,
Neckbeard and his loyal band of mutineers sets sail southward on new adventures.

Not long from the southern coastline, the lookout shouts:

lookout.gif
Ship ahoy, Captain! I...Its her! Its the treasure ship!!!

Treasurerevenge.jpg


necksmall.gif
Grab cutlasses and muskets, men! Tonight we feast on human blood!

CodexMob.gif
: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

And so, the Revenge closes in for revenge on the bastard spanish.
This time the odds are in our favour, since their ship is damaged and badly equipped.

revenge2.jpg


With simple speed superiority the revenge sails circles about the floating barn and eventually boards the floating goldmine.

puyol1.jpg


necksmall.gif
Well well well! Didnt think you would see us again, eh?

puyol.gif
Caramba! How did you get here so fast?

necksmall.gif
Wait, Wait! What the hell are you? Some kind of transvestite? Look at you! You look like my fucking mother!

puyol.gif
Your petty wit means nothing! Im a master of the sword and shall carve my name into your pig-coloured skin!

necksmall.gif
Them's fighting words, dudette! No one bashes my teint and lives!

puyol.gif
Oink! Oink! You not only look like a pig you smell like one too!

necksmall.gif
Pretty weak lass. Speaking of bathing...

puyol2.jpg


The crew is victorious and hails in a vast chunk of gold (3000!) and over 50 tons of goods. Not only that, among the captured spanish we find a cook
who can raise morale at sea by virtue of his tasty meals.

cook.jpg


necksmall.gif
So you are a cook?

unflickable.gif
I am hybrid cook and emotional carpenter! The best of few competent in my respective fields of solitude!

necksmall.gif
What?

unflickable.gif
I am the great prosper, a bot of many talents and noun verbal skills. I shred compatability tears with the best of them!

necksmall.gif
What the fuck are you saying? Can you cook or what?

unflickable.gif
I make a grand FIFE souffle with emphasis on the garlic and MP experience. The multiverse is in awe/aww of my artbilities.

necksmall.gif
Look, none of that fancy french shit, okay! Just mash up some scurvy sores and rum into a stew, like we always do.
Now get in the kitchen and stop your fancy cook school shit.

unflickable.gif
Yes my leagues under the sea.

Newly armed with a possibly demented cook(?), the crew return to Curacao, where Captain Neckbeard is unexpectdly not promoted.

nopromo.jpg


necksmall.gif
Yeah, whatever you dutch piece of shit.

We sell of some our goods at what is probably not the best price, but we dont want to be logging to much shit around, unless theres a real profit
to be made without travelling around half the caribbean.

lucre2.jpg


We also upgrade the Revenge with some brand new sails enabling it to sail faster, and the grand Neckbeard has decided to keep the treasure ship
so it can lug some hypothetic loot.

With that in order the Revenge sets sail in search of more lucrative business opportunities, and lo and behold! one soon presents itself in the form
of a pathetic spanish trader.

galleon1.jpg


necksmall.gif
Look my filthy georgian moron! A new prize for us!

*Silence*

necksmall.gif
Oh yeah. I forgot. Maybe a new mate is in order?

unflickable.gif
Im available, my ear captain!

necksmall.gif
Get back in the larder you french weirdo! By the way, that stew you cooked up gave me the runs, what the hell did you put in that thing?

unflickable.gif
Altruistic seagull comes in many boxes. Assembly is key.

necksmall.gif
That explains it. Gulls are bad for the digestion, too many fibers. Remember that.

unflickable.gif
eyA Sir!

The majestic seadog takes on the spanish galleon with little trouble, and a new captain stands in Neckbeards way.

igleseas1.jpg


iglesias.gif
I once had a dog that was smarter than you!

necksmall.gif
...

necksmall.gif
So?

iglesias.gif
Look amigo. Here is how this works: I insult you and you reply with a witty remark or you fail and loose. It is how we do things here.
We are civilized people after all, no?

igleseas2.jpg


Another pretty penny and goods later, we once again find us in Curacau, selling off some crap and the captured vessel.

While there Neckbeard learns that the spanish has put a prize on his head for his recent transgressions.

bounty1.jpg


necksmall.gif
Awww yeah! Bring it on Spain! I can take all of you alls!

Contrary to the spanish, the Dutch grow fonder of Captain Neckbeard and promote him to Major (and give him a tract of land).

At sea a new plan takes form. We are gonna sail north to the mid islands such as Cuba and Haiti and wreak havoc on the spanish dogs.
We will take trading ships on the long journey north, and then recruit more crew from the french harbours, with the ultimate goal of capturing
and plundering one of the rich spanish cities on the coasts (likely some rape is included).

We snatch a trade galleon on the way there, with the enemy captain surrending without a swordfight. The name of Neckbeard know makes the
average spanish merchant quake in his Gilet*.

(*Fun fact: Gilet is a sort of a jacket. Now you know.)

surrender.jpg


Arriving in Petit-Goave on the south coast of Haiti, we are immediatly promoted to (french) captain for our butchery at sea.
We also get to meet the Governors daughter, whom Neckbeard makes an unforgettable impression on:

daughter.jpg


chick.gif
Hello dear Sir, ive heard naught but good about your exploits in this part of our domain.

necksmall.gif
Holy four-titted hooker!!! Baby you be smokin'! Look at those cans, man!

chick.gif
What! How dare you speak to me in that vulgar and common tone! I am the Governors daughter and you owe me respect!

necksmall.gif
Its you who owe me, baby! You've made this huge bulge in my pants! If you haven't got insurance, i'm sure we can work out a deal, heh heh. :smug:

chick.gif
Filthy peasant! I'll not waste another second in your obnoxious company. I take my leave sir!

necksmall.gif
Wait, your dad said we should go to a dance together when i have murdered some more spanish sailors or something.
So i guess i'll call you? Right?

necksmall.gif
Man, i'm no farmer but i'd sure plow that!

Bounty has increased to 4000 gold, meaning that the spanish merchants have their paellas* ruined.

(*Fun fact: paella is spanish food. Its got some rice and some other shit in it too. Know you now.)

In Petit-goave we also start the recruitment drive, picking up an assortment of fags, necrophiliacs, pedophiliacs, transvestites, cannibals, kleptos and
Ayn Randians. Needless to say they should fit in well with the other crew.

recruitment.jpg


Neckbeard also holds interviews with capable members of his crew to find a new first mate:

necksmall.gif
Gentlemen, introduce yourself and state you goals and ambition. What would you say are your greatest strength and weaknesses.
And lastly; tell me why i should pick you?

higher.gif
Im Higher Game, descendant of noble aryan superduper blood. My goals are to wipe out the lesser species contaminating our
proud superior heritage. My greatest strength is my hatred and sheer force of will, oh and my winning personality.
My greatest weakness is my compassion, but i'm working on that i swear!
Pick me because together we shall wipe out the bean in caribbean.

higher.gif
By the way, are you jewish?

necksmall.gif
Ermmm, i dont know if you are the right person for this job...

andburkjpg.png
I am the noble Andhaira of the mighty nation of Pakistan. I serve the one true God, Allah, praise be unto him,
and follow his will in all things. I shall bring his wisdom to the savages here, and watch them prosper under his guidance.
My greatest strength is my unshakable faith and my greatest we...

necksmall.gif
I have already had one religious nut as a first mate. Next!

prosper.gif
I be unflickable, lying to the dying sun. I am made of switches and carbon and desire to mate with Avellone.
Together we shall produce such offspring that will make the internet fade into the great everything.

necksmall.gif
Wait! Prosper is that you?

prosper.gif
No, of course it is.

necksmall.gif
Clever disguise! Almost fooled me. Get back in the fucking larder and serve me up some sugarcoated rat.

prosper.gif
I not know of this proper prosper, i descended in the knight in a great UFO, i am unflickable.

necksmall.gif
Whatever you say. Now go help prosper with the rats.


Will Captain Neckbeard get to pluck the nectar of the governors daughters closing flowerhole?
Just how much can Liberals Anus stretch?
And most importantly, who do you think should be Neckbeards new first mate? Vote now!
 

Coyote

Arcane
Joined
Jan 15, 2009
Messages
1,149
My vote goes to Andhaira, in order to further increase the magnitude of Liberal's butthurt.

WetWorks1 said:
oldmanpaco said:
The dancing was awesome. Best part of the game.

Sorry mate, the dancing gets old fast.

Agreed. I just played this recently, and the only minigames that didn't get old fast were the land and ship battles. (Ship battles because I was using a small ship that depended on speed and maneuverability, and taking even a few hits could turn the battle against me. Land battles because even once you got used to them it was still fun to try to take on much stronger forces via superior usage of flanking and the terrain.)

Dancing came down to memorizing a couple of simple patterns and repeating them 7-8 times per dance. Swordfighting could easily be won on every difficulty except Swashbuckler by spamming attacks with the rapier (although it was slightly harder in the beginning on Rogue), and there was far too much of it compared to the other minigames. Swordfighting on Swashbuckler, on the other hand, was just tedious; the only way I could win against pirates like Montalban was to either run circles around their ships whittling their forces down to the single digits beforehand or spend ~15 seconds defending with the cutlass and taunting before each thrust, appropriately cursing like a sailor every time I got hit and had to waste another 15-to-30 seconds recovering lost ground. And sneaking around was very easy and rarely useful unless you were escaping prison.

Somehow the game still managed to be addictive, though.

P.S. Useful trivia: knocking out an enemy's sails will always make him surrender unless he's Raymondo or Montalban (who will stop firing at you but always initiate a swordfight when you get close enough).
 

RK47

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Nah the game got easier and easier as you buy more gears to compensate...by near mid game, the fastest ship in the game would blaze past cannon barrages and proceed to beat them with swordfighting.

A classic, nonetheless.
 

Krash

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WetWorks1 said:
In Petit-goave we also start the recruitment drive, picking up an assortment of fags, necrophiliacs, pedophiliacs, transvestites, cannibals, kleptos and
Ayn Randians.

Codexers?
 

Esquilax

Arcane
Joined
Dec 7, 2010
Messages
4,833
Fuck this manboon bullshit. None of the above. The only man with the skills and the resolve to lead these men through a post-ITZ mutiny is Cleve.

Of course I came up with this while the rest of you didn't. You see, these sort of things occur to you when you've got an IQ of 183.
 

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