A Fistful of Collars: BEASTMASTURBATION

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About two years ago, I started an LP of Baldur's Gate 1. It was called The Old Shit, making fun of the recent Dragon Age: Origins media campaign. That was back in the days before the playground, when LPing on the Codex was a lot more...primitive. All you needed to do was have a few screenshots, throw them on photobucket, and then write a few lines of snark in between. Hell, if the game was "popular", you'd hit five pages before the second update. I updated it a few times, then took a two year sabbatical before returning, and eventually finishing the BG1 LP. LPing now, however, is a different beast. We have some people stepping up their game with cool obscure titles, meta-plotting, clever LARP, alternate endings, better humor, and higher production values. In the immortal words of Charles Barkley, "Shit's changed".

The Old Shit was, upon resurrection, kind of antiquated. It didn't resonate with modern LP readers. I kept the same style throughout, all the way to the end, but now things need to change. For one, there's already someone doing a Codex-style commentary run through BG2, and probably definitely better than I could. Check it out here if you want that. And someone is already doing a Codexer-party run over yonder. What does that leave as an option?

LARPing harder than ever, forcibly injecting EXTREME into things, and weaving absurd narratives or dialogues not in the actual game, into the LP.

NPCs may be like they were made by Bioware. They may be slightly different. They may be completely nothing like the Bioware version.

The same goes for situations.

I won't be doing much if any narration, most will be handled by Shepard and crew. Oh, and NPCs will actually get lines. I have gotten with the times.

Basically, it's going to be a total trainwreck. Strap in and strap on.



Motherfucker Shepard is coming back. This time darker, edgier, and grittier! This isn't your grand-dad's Shepard. He's next gen!



And nothing screams NEXT-GEN like dual wielding! And getting really angry!



It's time to get EXTREME, grab collars, and Shepardize Baldur's Gate 2!

Stay tuned for the Pilot episode of A Fistful of Collars!

Episode List

Pilot Episode (Escape From the Rape Dungeon)
Part 1
Part 2

Season 1

Episode 1: (Not) At Baldur's Gate
Episode 2: Get a Haircut and Get a Real Class
Episode 3: Beastmasturbation

Pilot, Part 1



:.....



:Wah...AUGHHHH!



:They act sooner than we had anticipated. No matter, they will be dealt with. *teleports out*



:Wha...Imoen? Where are we? What happened?



:What do you mean by "doing things"? You don't mean...

:I don't want to think about it. Let's just get going, bro!

:No. This is important what was he....wait...did you call me bro?

:Oh...he really messed with you...you don't remember?

:Remember what?

:Never mind...we just need to find the others and get out of here as fast as possible.

:Yeah, let's get going. I can find out what happened once we're safe, then immediately begin repressing horrible memories of that guy *shudder* "doing things"...



ost of our stuff is gone. Some might be around here, but most all I could find was some basic things. They probably sold most of it.

Maybe I should've learned a few tricks from that smuggler in Ulgloth's Beard...could've kept some stuff...)



Right...I'm a Berserker...and I think...I think I use long swords. I think I use two of them at once, or maybe use a mace or flail. Yeah...sounds right)

:I found a key as well as some of our stuff! A few healing potions, that lightly enchanted dagger Fuller gave you back in Candlekeep, and these.



:Wonderful. I can drink myself stupid, put on some ridiculous pants, and poke all our enemies to death.

I really should've gotten Callahan to show me how to hide things...probably could've at least had a Necklace of Fireballs and a ring or two...)

:Come on, let's go free Minsc and Jaheira. I saw them in cages nearby. Maybe the key will free them.



insc, you're free. Any idea what happened?

:We were attacked by EVIL outside of Baldur's Gate. Evil that did not fight fair, taking advantage of us while we were asleep. Even my mighty berserker spirit could not help.

oor choice of words, especially given the circumstances. Hey...where's your witch, where's Dynaheir?

ynaheir....they killed her. BUTTS WILL BE undomesticated snowmanLY KICKED IN HER HONOR!

:Yeah, I'm certain...just keep it down, okay? I'd like to not attract too much attention. Now let's go find Jaheira.

:*uses the key* Jaheira, you know what happened to us?



:Khalid? He wasn't with us. At least not since the Cloakwood. You mean Coran, right?

: No. Who is Coran?

:You know, the womanizing elf ninja? Guy who would backstab like a pro?

:You are mistaken. We traveled with no such person. Our captor must have seriously affected your mind. We must find Khalid and escape here.

:Yeah, okay...let's just get you guys some equipment and get moving.



:Alright...let's go.

****

:Welcome Motherfucker Shepard. I see you are no longer in your...accommodations.



:Shoot.

:Hypotheitically you find yourself trapped in a room with a button. Your sibling is in a similar room. If you press the button, you die, and your sibling goes free. If your sibling presses the button, they die, and you go free. If neither of you press the button within 15 minutes, you both die.

:What kind of retarded excuse for a prisoner's dilemma is that? Plus...I'm screwed anyway. My sibling, Sarevok, is dead. I shot an arrow of piercing through his head. He ain't pressing any buttons.

:I mean your sibling here. *gestures towards Imoen*

: She's not my sister. Why would Gorion have another child of Bhaal in his care, and not tell me? Not even in that letter in his room? And why didn't he take her out of Candlekeep that night? None of this makes any sense!

:It doesn't to you. Now...



:I'll press the goddamn button, though it's totally not awesome in any way. In fact, it downright sucks.

:Oh...ok. Bye then.

:You're such a caring big brother. I knew you'd save me!

:I'm not your brother, okay!?

on't worry...your memories are probably a little fuzzy...he experimented on you a lot more than on me.

God damnit...maybe I don't know what's going on...but it doesn't make any sense...) Alright, let's keep moving.

****



:This is pretty messed up. What was he doing here with all these....things?



:Yeah...no argument here.

****

:Look, guard golems going into that room. Anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?

:BUTTKICKING! FOR JUSTICE! *charges*

:...ugh...better call on my bhaalspawn powers then.

:I'll haste us all.



:That went well enough. Seems like this place isn't guarded by elite types. Getting out might not be that tricky.

****



:I'll charge ahead, take out their spellcasters and archers. you guys kill the rest.



:No problem at all. We've still got the touch...we've still got the power. Let's check out the next room.



:What manner of beastie is that?

:Looks a lot like the demonknight I killed down in Durlag's Tower.

:Bro, it's a cambion, a half-demon. Not nearly as strong. Though it does have that shiny sword...could be magical.

:This machine must be powering the barrier it's trapped in.

:Let's bring the barrier down and take it out. Four on one should easily be enough.

:Are you out of your mind? This isn't a prudent move!

:We might need all the weaponry we can get.

:Of course, our intrepid leader.

on't give me that. Let's take down the barrier and kill that thing.



:Simple enough. Let's check the loot.

:Not much. Busted chainmail and a lightly enchanted bastard sword. No one here uses those.

:Glorious Commander Shepard leading us into unknown conflicts...for naught but petty treasures.

:Stuff it Jaheira, we don't have time for this shit. We need to find a way out of here.

****



:You think we can get somewhere from the sewers?

:Yeah...the sewerage has to come from somewhere, probably living quarters. Don't like the sound of that guardian though. Let's follow the golem.

****

:Oh hell no...that is one nasty critter. Oh well, here goes.



amnit...I got a bunch of this goop on me. Hope I didn't catch something. (I don't want no Calimshan Crotchrot...)

****



efinitely a living area. Check it for traps and look for anything useful.

:Come over here, quick! I found some of our old stuff! The amulet of metaspell influence...and this!



:Nicely done. We're getting back in business here.

****

:Hello. Are you prisoners here as well?

Dryads...wonder if they're in league with him?)We were, but we're busting out. What's keeping you dryads here?

:The master has our nuts. He has forced us into concubinage.

:Um...excuse me?

:He gave them to a nasty dwarf.

:Ohhhhh....you mean these acorns I found on the body of a dwarf guard? Those kind of nuts.



:She. She's why he keeps you. Why he was interested in me.



:"Touched you as we"...that better be some sort of telepathic stuff. You know, forget it, let's just keep moving and escape from this crazy man's rape dungeon.

You may proceed.

We're experiencing an inflation of Shepards that drives down the value of each individual collar grabbing.

A Fistfull of Collars is just about the cleverest LP title we've ever had.

But I am disappoint at the Chaotic Good alignment. We need retarded BioWare Evil for Shepard, he should be an asshole for no particular reason.

Goddammit. How about you take a little vacation... maybe a year or so.

I don't want to be passed.

Let's just say there may be some...character development as the series progresses.

This LP will either carry on at a blazing speed or burn out real fast. Just the first update took a lot longer than I expected. This may be biting off more than I can chew. My life will wither under the yoke of this LP.

Or I'll take a few years hiatus. You may get your wish.

Take a hiatus longer than a week and I'll manhandle your balls.

Motherfucker Shepard is back?

So I'm 3/4 of the way done the next update. It stands at ~900 words. Not immense, but it makes me realize that this could take a lot of time. A lot of time I could be....oh who am I kidding?

Right, I'll stop attention whoring (though I do like attention M: HINT HINT I WANT LOTS OF POSTS BECAUSE HIGHER POST COUNTS IN YOUR LP THREADS MEANS BIGGER E-PENIS). Expect the update tommorrow....maybe before.

I hope this post moves this to a new page.

Looking forwad to more please.

Pushing it on to page deux.

EDIT: We need a few more.

Bump for new page

Great. the 3rd BG2 LP these last few months

Awesome. Although LARPing that much in BG2 LP is a somewhat more ambitious project than I would dare to undertake, as the game is abundant with content, especially including Throne of Bhaal. All the more to You, Mr Murrow.

Anyway, You starting this thread gives me an excuse to delay continuing my LP means I should probably give some rest to my LP to avoid oversaturating the playground with shadowsofamning.

I will follow closely and poke You with a pointy stick if longer delays happen. Consider Yourself warned.

Oh, would've forgotten.

MOAR!

Seriously, your BG1 LP was the funniest one on the Codex (that I have seen at least). Change nothing except putting EXTREMENESS into overdrive!

Pilot, Part 2



aybe this door here is an exit?



aybe not. This place seems kind of strange. Like we aren't even on the same plane anymore.

:Actually bro, we might be in a pocket fold of the elemental plane of air. I overheard our captor talk about this.

:Why the hell would he have a portal there?

::Really? This man has sewer monsters, parts of people in glass containers, half-demons imprisoned here, and performed experiments on you and Imoen...and you're questioning this of all things?

unno, just seems even more over the top.

::I am so confident in the leadership of this group.

:insc misses the days when the party got along. Boo says this is “a direct consequence of giving NPCs speaking roles”, whatever that means.




A weapon of mine huh? I'd love to get Varscona back. That sword served me very well ever since I picked it off that bounty hunter who was after that artist.)



:I wouldn't exactly say I'm risking my life...



:Wait a minute...this is a two-handed sword. An awfully familiar one too. This is Sarevok's sword! Damnit, this isn't mine!



:Alright, let's get out of here. Or at least get closer to getting out of here.

::You hope. This could easily be a trap.

:We've searched the whole place and even gone to another plane. You have any better ideas?



:Are you a prisoner here?

:It would seem so. I was doing some...work, I slipped into unconsciousness, and then I found myself here.

:What kind of “work”?

:Ah...a kind that is less than reputable.

:That could mean many things.

:It isn't what you're thinking. Now, shall join forces to try and get out of here?

:For now. Don't try anything funny.

::You're actually letting some complete stranger you found in a dungeon join our group? You have no sense at all.

:This isn't exactly a conventional situation, and this isn't up for debate. I need all the meats....I mean we need all the allies we can get.



:So, where were you before you got captured.

:The slums of Athkatla.

:So there's a chance we're in Amn. That, or you got taken a great distance too.

:Oh, before we move on. The next room is filled with portals that spawn little winged creatures. They keep coming out of the portals...perhaps, all together, we could stop the portals.

:*uses an oil of speed*Leave it to me. Everyone else draw the creature's attention.



:Time to get EXTREME!



:That's two down, two more left.



:Goodbye endless mephits. Wait...what's that on the table...aww shit. This won't be pretty...



: You have resurrection magic. Use it.

::It won't work. The body has been...desecrated.

:So? There are spells powerful enough, ones that ignore that. I'm certain they could even bring back someone who was dead and decaying for years. We can bring him there.

::That's not how nature works.

Actually, Khalid was total dead weight, Jaheira was the useful one. Come to think of it, this isn't a bad thing.)

:Alright Jaheira, do what you need to do, then we'll get moving.



:Stop bickering. We gotta get out of here before anyone else has...things...done to them by this maniac. Let's explore that side room.




:That's a clone...of her.

:I guess “she” left him and he wasn't quite ready to leave her. Nothing for us here, let's keep going.

****



Why is this place so laxly guarded? A mage like him shouldn't have goblins, low quality golems, and cheap dwarven security...something ain't right)

****



Even his traps are easily dispatched with these oddly well-labeled keys I've found strewn about the dungeon.)

****



More goblins...this doesn't make any sense...)

:*whispering*Bro, I hear some dwarves up ahead.

:Right...let's give them a little surprise. Get a fireball ready.



Even the dwarves are easily caught off guard...)

:There were a few side rooms off of the wand-trap chamber...perhaps we should explore them?

Could be a trap...better be careful...might want to go alone). Alright, I'll check em' out.

****

Some strangely dressed woman fighting some people. Another clone? Might have to kill it. Then I can grill them for answers.)



Damn...two of them are dead...this thing is ripping through them.)



amnit! Couldn't save any of them. (And that “clone” just evaporated into mist. What kind of creature is that? Might want to bring Imoen and the others along for the next room just so they might know what's up if another strange creature shows up.)

****




This thing's definitely a doppelganger...had enough experience with them to know this.) Yoshimo, unlock the door...I've got something to take care of.



Knew it, a doppelganger. Dunno why it would be here. Though nothing here makes much sense.)

:Shepard, don't you think that was a little extreme? It was locked in there and couldn't harm us in any way.

:We've had a bad history with doppelgangers. They've killed our allies, stolen the faces of friends, framed us for murder, and were part of a grand conspiracy to take over the Sword Coast.

:What about the good ones? There may be ones that don't engage in evil acts.

:The only good doppelganger is a dead one. End of story. Let's get out of here.

****



:Bad choice.



:Irenicus...that must be the name of a grabbed-collar walking.

:Who do you think those others were? What's this other guild?

:There has been conflict between the Shadow Thieves and an upstart rival organization. Perhaps these men were agents of the Shadow Thieves, and this place, and Irenicus are allied with the other guild?

:Assuming we're in Amn of course. Shit, we could be in Matzaca for all I know.

****



:A light up ahead! Perhaps an escape?

:Yeah...you all hear that, though? Sounds like a hell of a fight going on out there. We better be ready.



:Look! It's him. *casts magic missile...not at the darkness though*



:Fine. I'll come with you...provided you take in the other offenders over there. *gestures at Imoen*

:You ain't gettin' taken in anywhere...I'm taking you out! (Why would he give up like this? Why is he interested in us as well?)



amnit! They just teleported away, and took Imoen!

:Where the hell are we anyway? And who were those robed goons?

:It would seem we are in Athkatla after all. Those people who took Irenicus and Imoen are the Cowled Wizards. Mages and sorcerers are not tolerated here in Amn, and the Cowled Wizards serve as a sort of “magic police”.

: Right. Looks like we have a lead to follow. Find the Cowled Wizards, and find Irenicus.

::Just how do you plan on going about this? Are we going to interrogate every last person in this city?

:If that's what needs to be done, then we'll do it. I don't know where these Cowled Wizards are...I don't know where Irenicus is, but I do know that both of them and anyone else who stands in my way is going to end up in a world of pain.

Next time...the crew finds a possible lead to follow. But will they be able to hold together, or will the group break up faster than a rock band full of big egos? Stay tuned for the next episode of A Fistful of Collars!

A promising start!

Nice. Keep 'em comin'.

Please, give the boot to Yoshimo, recruit Jan.